tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Apr 28, 2016 17:40:15 GMT
I have a difficult time saying no when someone asks me for a favor. I am trying to change that because I work full time plus and I have limited free time. After I say yes I resent spending my little free time working on favors for people. So I've decided to start saying no.
I started with my Friend who asked me to make her grandson a weighted vest. I'm not certain if he's autistic or she is just hoping to help him with his behavioral issues. She said would pay for the materials. That's nice but the materials are not the only issue. My time is valuable and I did some Googling and there seems to be specific weighting guide lines that are often recommended by the child's therapist. She and her DH make very good money and can easily buy this without batting an eye. So I said no and have not felt too much guilt. There is a learning curve when you make something new and it would take me much longer to create this than it is worth to me.
Then last night I was out to dinner with a singles group and my quilting came up. I showed the event leader a photo of the last quilt I'd completed. Then she asked me to finish a quilt that her great grandmother started and had almost finished. I told her no, that I don't do hand quilting. As we talked longer she made several remarks about quilts she had done. WTH? She can quilt but wants me to do her the favor of finishing her great grandma's quilt. That is crazy particularly when she works from home so she doesn't even commute. I know she has more free time than I do because we're FB friends so I know about all the clubs she frequents to see blues groups and jazz bands.
I am feeling no guilt over this one and am so happy the peas have taught me that "no" is a complete sentence. Thank you Refupeas for helping me develop and hone this skill.
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Post by mellowyellow on Apr 28, 2016 17:45:53 GMT
Good for you!!! Doesn't it feel great?! I've started doing the same thing. I sew and scrapbook and I don't even have the time to do my own projects let alone anybody else's. They have said they will pay but when I really put a pencil to it, they don't want to pay my prices. And I don't even think it's outrageous either. Enjoy your guiltless life!  |
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Post by auntkelly on Apr 28, 2016 17:47:10 GMT
Good for you for saying no! I would never ask a friend to make something for me unless they had a business and I was going to pay them at the same rate they charge others.
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Post by craftedbys on Apr 28, 2016 17:57:35 GMT
Yea you!
That is something that I need to learn as well. However, I do have a cottage industry sewing on scout patches and I occasionally do minor repairs, hems, and alterations, so I usually don't say no to those smaller jobs.
Some people still ask for my "help" on a project (like making a t-shirt quilt when they can barely sew on a button). Luckily for.me, whenever someone asks me now if I can do some sewing for them my BFF jumps in and answers "No! Not until she finishes DD's graduation quilt and the other projects she has going!" And no one argues with my BFF, lol.
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marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,282 
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Post by marimoose on Apr 28, 2016 18:09:34 GMT
Yea you! That is something that I need to learn as well. However, I do have a cottage industry sewing on scout patches and I occasionally do minor repairs, hems, and alterations, so I usually don't say no to those smaller jobs. Some people still ask for my "help" on a project (like making a t-shirt quilt when they can barely sew on a button). Luckily for.me, whenever someone asks me now if I can do some sewing for them my BFF jumps in and answers "No! Not until she finishes DD's graduation quilt and the other projects she has going!" And no one argues with my BFF, lol. We all need more friends like your BFF. Good for her ...... and you. |
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Post by annabella on Apr 28, 2016 18:19:28 GMT
Good for you!
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Post by angieh1996 on Apr 28, 2016 18:19:33 GMT
I have a hard time saying No sometimes too. Once friends found out I crochet they were all asking for afghans. I have made gifts for family and very close friends with no problem as I'm close to them.
The one that irritated me was a gal I knew from high school. We were not close but friendly. She messaged me on Facebook and wanted an afghan. I said sure, this is what I charge. She was irritated that I would charge her. She was more than happy to purchase the yarn for me though. I said No. My time is valuable and crocheting an afghan takes quite a bit of time. She commented that she had another friend that made her a scarf and all she had to do was buy the yarn. I said then ask your other friend to make your afghan, it's great she'll do that, but as I stated an afghan takes quite a lot more time than a scarf and my time to complete that is worth something. She unfriended me on Facebook after that. I didn't feel the least bit guilty.
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The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,340
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Apr 28, 2016 18:55:40 GMT
The one that irritated me was a gal I knew from high school. We were not close but friendly. She messaged me on Facebook and wanted an afghan. I said sure, this is what I charge. She was irritated that I would charge her. I think your "friend" wasn't much of a friend at all. No loss to you! |
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Post by Lexica on Apr 28, 2016 19:14:19 GMT
Good for you for valuing your time and work product. I have never understood people who will expect someone to basically gift their skill to them without any compensation. Are you supposed to be so flattered that you will just do anything for them simply because they have the nerve to ask? I wonder where people like this draw the line. If they had a friend that was a dentist, would they expect free dental care?
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Post by flanz on Apr 28, 2016 19:19:52 GMT
amen!!! I support you one hundred percent!
It is a joy to give from the heart, but when people expect us to do x,y,z.... no way. And often they are clueless about the extent of a gift they are asking for. However, that doesn't excuse their extreme rudeness!
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 28, 2016 20:05:50 GMT
Good for you! It gets easier the older I am.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Apr 28, 2016 20:45:52 GMT
Way to go! The more you say 'no', the easier it will become. When people ask me about sewing or quilting, I give them the name of local stores or people I know who do it. My favorite is when people find out I sew and ask if I do alterations. My stock answer is always, "I don't even do my own alterations, but if you hear of a good alterations person, please let me know!" I figure if my own DD has to pay an alterations person, then they can too!
Lately I've had to start telling people 'no' when they want me to to teach them how to sell on eBay. For one thing, it's not something where all the tips and tricks can be imparted quickly. It takes time and I'd rather be spending that time on my own listings. Last year I was cornered once after a card game at my house and spent almost an hour running over the basics with someone. A year later she still hasn't listed a thing. Lesson learned - if someone wants to do it they will figure out on their own...just like I did!
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,582
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Apr 28, 2016 21:04:09 GMT
Good for you!!
I have trouble saying no to PAID things sometimes. I'm often asked to do musical birthday parties for my youngest students. I dearly love the kids, I love the parents, I love making music, and I love making money. However, I do NOT love doing birthday parties. I usually say, "I don't really do parties," and I give them the number of my friend who does amazing kiddie parties. I'm often met with a blank look.
The guilt is really hard for me to manage - people can take it personally, which really breaks my heart. Maybe they don't realize the big difference between teaching a class and entertaining at a party? Though I am good at teaching, I'm not great at parties, and I've got a zillion other things that I could/should be doing with my weekends.
/rant
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Post by birukitty on Apr 28, 2016 21:14:13 GMT
Good for you! It is a very important word to learn and it doesn't come easy to some. But once you learn it and assert yourself it makes you feel like a million, doesn't it?
I think people sometimes just do not understand how much time goes into the things we do (like scrapbooking or quilting) when we make things. And then there are those people who I'm sad to say do know, but take advantage of others when they can. I'm not specifically talking about your friends, I don't know them, but I'm talking about one of my sisters. She does this all of the time to my father who still hasn't learned to say NO to her. I hate it and really feel for him.
No is a one word answer as you said. It does work beautifully if you stand your ground and say it with emphasis.
Debbie in MD.
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Post by originalvanillabean on Apr 28, 2016 23:55:47 GMT
Good for you!!
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psiluvu
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,217
Location: Canada's Capital
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Post by psiluvu on Apr 29, 2016 0:02:56 GMT
Awesome, keep up the good work.
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FurryP
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To pea or not to pea...
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Jun 26, 2014 19:58:26 GMT
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Post by FurryP on Apr 29, 2016 0:21:27 GMT
Yay for you! It will get easier to do, I promise! I used to be the same way. Not speaking up for what I did not want to do, depending on who it was. One time I was put on the spot, my mind was racing, and I decided: IT IS NOW OR NEVER! It worked!  |
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Post by fredfreddy on Apr 29, 2016 0:31:20 GMT
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Apr 29, 2016 2:26:52 GMT
I will say what really started my journey to saying no was an incident with a couple who are friends of a friend. After we had know each other about 8-10 months, they asked me if I would make them a cushion for the chest that sat at the end of the bed in their guest room. Of course, they would pay me for it. They don't want to pick out the fabric, telling me that I had seen the room and they had seen my home so they were certain that whatever I picked out would be fine.
I paid for all of the materials, the fabric, the cushioning, the piping, the zipper, etc. All told, I had about $100 into the cushion. I put all of my things aside and had it done for them short order. It was a cream tone on tone with dragonflies on it. They live in a country styled home with natural tones. Light blue is the wildest, most vibrant color in their home. Finished, it was a zippered cover for a foam pad about 2" thick, which was also covered with quilt batting.
I delivered it to their house the night we were to play our monthly card games. They immediately put it on the chest. Yes, it fit and they supposed it would be okay. Seriously, that is what they said, it wasn't really what they wanted but it would be okay. Not wanting to offend them, I asked what modifications they wanted. They didn't want any, it would be fine. Talk about being under enthused.
Off we go to play cards and the evening continued. I got involved playing cards and forgot to remind them to pay me. Not once did they ask what they owed, nothing was said. I remember when I got home of course. Expecting them to contact me and ask me what they owed, I let it go. The next month rolls around and again, not a word was said. I thought do I say something? I decide to talk to them privately at a later time. Do I do it? No, because before I can, I find out they had had a couple of personal problems that they have to deal with. So being far too nice, I let it go. It's been about 3 years now, we still play cards every month and not once have they ever said thank you or offered to pay me.
That was the turning point for me. I began resenting being asked and I felt taken advantage of. I refuse mention it to them at this point. So then I began thinking it is time I start saying no to all favors people ask me to do, except for my dearest friends who I will do anything for. But then again, they will do the same for me.
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Post by duchess on Apr 29, 2016 2:38:54 GMT
Even if someone pays you they can't and won't pay what your time is worth. I work full time and commute 2 hours a day. I have very little time to do the projects I want. If I charged them the rate I get paid at work, they couldn't afford the quilt. I point them to Craftsy or the local quilt shop and encourage them to take beginner classes. And sometime I don't bother with all that, sometime I quote a huge amount and they usually say it's out of their range. Maybe I should just say no like you. No guilt.
Congrats on being strong.
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Post by lancermom on Apr 29, 2016 2:40:14 GMT
I have said no a lot more. Even to DH!! I find that quilting is the same as seeing/mending in people's minds. It is not. Just because I can quilt does not mean I can fix the crotch in your pants.
DH asked me this, after telling him I do t know how and with him reminding me that I have a sewing machine, I did it. I did the $hittiest job I could. He won't ask again!
But I have friends that have asked me to fix /add crap to dance costumes. Ugh, no!!!!
I used to feel bad, but now, whatever!!!
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Apr 29, 2016 11:59:55 GMT
My hairdresser, to whom I had given a nice set of handmade bibs, burp clothes and a swaddler when she had her last child, asked me if I could make costumes for Halloween. I can and I have. Then she asked me what I would charge to make them for her two DDs. I told her to buy the materials and patterns and I usually charge double that. She said, "So if I pay $20 for materials it will cost another $40 to get them made?" Yes it will. She told me that was far too costly. I agreed with her. This from a woman I pay $100 for a color and cut which takes about 90 minutes.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Apr 29, 2016 12:48:14 GMT
My hairdresser, to whom I had given a nice set of handmade bibs, burp clothes and a swaddler when she had her last child, asked me if I could make costumes for Halloween. I can and I have. Then she asked me what I would charge to make them for her two DDs. I told her to buy the materials and patterns and I usually charge double that. She said, "So if I pay $20 for materials it will cost another $40 to get them made?" Yes it will. She told me that was far too costly. I agreed with her. This from a woman I pay $100 for a color and cut which takes about 90 minutes. I would have been more than tempted to point out the comparison between her skill and cost vs. your skills and cost. It's a rare person who recognizes that we have a skill that many don't, and that it has value. All the cheap clothing made with cheap overseas labor has contributed to that skewed perception of what things are worth as well. I used to sew for people when DD was young. That lasted about 2 years and then I quit. It took all the fun out of what was a favorite hobby and made it hard work. I now refuse to sew for others. And a little off topic - I am amazed you only pay $100 for a color and cut!  Here that would be $250 (and more if you add in highlights). |
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Post by sues on Apr 29, 2016 15:26:48 GMT
Some people still ask for my "help" on a project (like making a t-shirt quilt when they can barely sew on a button).
OH- this one kills me. I have a friend- who is more like 'someone I used to know' - she FB messaged me last year to ask how to make a tee shirt quilt. Her plan is to accumulate all of her dd's sports jerseys and turn them into a quilt to give her for graduation. I sent her a link to a good tutorial- even though I wondered how she'd do it, since she doesn't have a machine or any degree of sewing experience.
Her messages after that included me- as if I agreed to take on the job! "We're going to really have to stay on top of this, so it doesn't get overwhelming and all have to get done senior year!" and "How can I save everything so it's easier for you?" "What supplies will you need as we go, to stay on top of the squares?" Every time I answered her, I pointedly said "This is what YOU will need to do." Finally I said "I have two quilts going for my own kids that aren't finished. I can't take on a quilt for someone else." That ended it.
People act like if you enjoy doing something- they're doing you a favor by giving you projects to complete for them. It's maddening. Once a group of moms I knew from school a few years back got wind of the fact that I can sew- I was flooded with 'favors' I should be happy to do....hem a half dozen pair of jeans, make Halloween costumes, make black out curtains for a night shift worker, make valances for a kitchen, sew patches on work sweaters, alter a bridesmaid dress. WTH??? I had to learn to say no SUPER FAST.
Once you do it the first time, you are flooded with such immense relief- it makes it easier to say it again.
Good for you!
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Post by duchess on Apr 29, 2016 15:49:35 GMT
Quilting and altering are two different beasts. I wouldn't even know how to do any of that. And I sew every day.
The funny thing is, I would rather donate a quilt or gift a quilt to someone rather than make one for someone to their specs. I will even sell quilts that I have already made, but don't ask me to make a special one in a certain color that you want. I tried that a few times and it never comes out good.
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 29, 2016 15:59:41 GMT
Some people still ask for my "help" on a project (like making a t-shirt quilt when they can barely sew on a button).OH- this one kills me. I have a friend- who is more like 'someone I used to know' - she FB messaged me last year to ask how to make a tee shirt quilt. Her plan is to accumulate all of her dd's sports jerseys and turn them into a quilt to give her for graduation. I sent her a link to a good tutorial- even though I wondered how she'd do it, since she doesn't have a machine or any degree of sewing experience. Her messages after that included me- as if I agreed to take on the job! "We're going to really have to stay on top of this, so it doesn't get overwhelming and all have to get done senior year!" and "How can I save everything so it's easier for you?" "What supplies will you need as we go, to stay on top of the squares?" Every time I answered her, I pointedly said "This is what YOU will need to do." Finally I said "I have two quilts going for my own kids that aren't finished. I can't take on a quilt for someone else." That ended it. People act like if you enjoy doing something- they're doing you a favor by giving you projects to complete for them. It's maddening. Once a group of moms I knew from school a few years back got wind of the fact that I can sew- I was flooded with 'favors' I should be happy to do....hem a half dozen pair of jeans, make Halloween costumes, make black out curtains for a night shift worker, make valances for a kitchen, sew patches on work sweaters, alter a bridesmaid dress. WTH??? I had to learn to say no SUPER FAST. Once you do it the first time, you are flooded with such immense relief- it makes it easier to say it again. Good for you! Someone has some huge balls. I hate to ask favors of people for small things. I love it when people look at your crafts and say that they wished they had time for that. We all have the same amount of hours. It is what you do with them. Many of us have husbands and children and work and extended family I actually find that I scrapped more when I had less free time because I was more organized with my time. |
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Here that would be $250 (and more if you add in highlights). 
