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Post by twinks on Jun 20, 2016 16:46:10 GMT
I am so sorry you both are having to deal with the situation. It is so hard.
With my DD, she knows that her father is an ass wipe, but, she still hangs onto the idea of having a loving and supportive father. It is hard to watch it year after year. Father's Day is my least favorite day of the entire year.
As far as your DD not getting him a gift or acknowledging Father's Day, does he make sure that your DD has a Mother's Day gift for you? Probably not. What does he expect you to do? Take her shopping and make sure he is recognized but will not reciprocate? That is how I feel in my situation. Every year, I wonder why I do it. Why do I spend the time and $ to make sure my DD recognizes her father's birthday, Christmas and Father's Day. This year was interesting. I kept asking my DD what she wanted to give her father. She finally looked at me and said, "Mom, I don't know him at all. I don't know what he likes and what he doesn't like. It is the same with me. He doesn't know me at all. He doesn't know what I like." So we came up with an idea together and took it out to his mother's house to give to him. He is so wonderful that he doesn't want his own DD to know where he lives so we take the gifts to his mother's house. Yes, I could find out, but, to be honest, I don't give a damn where he lives.
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Post by woodysbetty on Jun 20, 2016 16:49:55 GMT
How sad for your DD and how frustrating for you....cyber hugs and positive energy sent to you both!!
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Post by ilikepink on Jun 20, 2016 16:54:11 GMT
I'm sorry you and DD are going through this. Help her to rise above it - as others have said, don't put him down, but point out the good qualities he has that you see in her that makes her into the wonderful person she is. With love, she can rise above this - it isn't her fault he doesn't father well.
I had a difficult relationship with my dad for many years and finally forgave him for not being the dad I thought I wanted. My DSs dad isn't always the greatest either, but they all manage.
On the flip side, I have great friend - a guy -who has a daughter he hasn't seen in years. He didn't hear from her yesterday and was a little upset about it. I tried, gently, to point out that if he doesn't reach out, she isn't going to. She doesn't need a birthday/christmas/graduation present from him (that he can't afford), she just wants to know her dad is thinking of her and loves her. He's the adult and needs to make the first gesture, but he's stubborn and can't quite see that yet, and the more time passes the worse it gets. Her birthday is at the end of this week, and I think he's sending her something. We'll see. Sometimes I want to shake him.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jun 20, 2016 16:55:42 GMT
UGH!!
My daughter has a Dad who is passive agressive like that too,
sorry she had to go through that.
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Post by papersilly on Jun 20, 2016 16:56:43 GMT
that is awful. what a D
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Jun 20, 2016 17:13:23 GMT
I'm sorry you and DD are going through this. Help her to rise above it - as others have said, don't put him down, but point out the good qualities he has that you see in her that makes her into the wonderful person she is. With love, she can rise above this - it isn't her fault he doesn't father well. I had a difficult relationship with my dad for many years and finally forgave him for not being the dad I thought I wanted. My DSs dad isn't always the greatest either, but they all manage. On the flip side, I have great friend - a guy -who has a daughter he hasn't seen in years. He didn't hear from her yesterday and was a little upset about it. I tried, gently, to point out that if he doesn't reach out, she isn't going to. She doesn't need a birthday/christmas/graduation present from him (that he can't afford), she just wants to know her dad is thinking of her and loves her. He's the adult and needs to make the first gesture, but he's stubborn and can't quite see that yet, and the more time passes the worse it gets. Her birthday is at the end of this week, and I think he's sending her something. We'll see. Sometimes I want to shake him. I am 32. My father walked out when I was 10 and lives overseas. I've seen him 3 times since, and the last time (I was 25) he asked why I didn't send him cards. HE was the adult. HE made the decision to leave. He doesn't get to come back in my life and tell me off for my behaviours. OP, I am really sorry your daughter is hurting and that you have to pick up the pieces. I'm glad you can come here and vent. |
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Post by ilikepink on Jun 20, 2016 18:14:18 GMT
craftykitten - I'm sorry your Dad treated you like that. My point was that the dumbass, stubborn male species sometimes makes choices/decisions that get them in a box they don't know how to get out of. Whether it be stubbornness, stupidity, meanness or just ignorance - and (IME) men don't easily see the other side. But that doesn't mean they aren't hurt by the situation. And the adult should be the one to reach out to fix it; as the child (or the adult child) you don't want to go forward, that's your choice--and no one should fault you for that. Hugs.
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Post by anniefb on Jun 20, 2016 18:42:34 GMT
So sorry that you and DD have to deal with that crap.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 20, 2016 18:53:21 GMT
Hugs from another mom who has been there. I hate watching my kids suffer. My son at least seems to have gotten to the point where he doesn't care but my DD still does
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Post by kernriver on Jun 20, 2016 18:56:18 GMT
The guy does sound like an asshat. But to prevent this from happening again, why not remind her to call on birthday and fathers day. If she says no then gently remind her that it is the right and gracious thing to do, doesnt cost her anything, and she wont feel bad after the occasions have passed.
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Post by chlerbie on Jun 20, 2016 18:58:29 GMT
I totally understand, as growing up, I was the daughter in that situation and it's so hard to deal with that. My father would pull similar things, after blowing me off for every holiday, visitation, etc. and then cry and get angry when Father's Day or HIS birthday weren't "events" for me. It was hard to deal with throughout my life, knowing I was always an afterthought unless it was about HIM, but I came to the place where I finally realized it was HIS loss, not mine. It took a long time--I hope your daughter can come to that place sooner. I'm so sorry she has to deal with it.
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Post by angieh1996 on Jun 20, 2016 19:06:07 GMT
My dd was up crying last night. Cried herself to sleep. Does he care? Doubt it. My momma heart is raging and breaking all at once. I feel sick for her. And so unbelievably angry at him. She had her reasons for not saying Happy Father's Day to him. (Maybe it has something to do with him walking away from our family abruptly when she was 9 yrs old, and moving across the country) She has that right. Thanks for letting me vent. I can relate to too many points in your OP unfortunately. I'm sorry. For you and your DD. Having BTDT with two 25yo DDs who have no relationship currently with their sperm donor, I will second what a previous poster said to never, ever, ever feed into the negativity towards him. Give your DD that gift...because it will truly be a gift to her. I was very careful to let my DDs know that I supported them wherever they were in their relationship with their dad. Sometimes they were heartbroken and sometimes they were ambivalent. No matter what they were feeling, their feelings were justified and I let them know that. But I will not *ever* talk poorly about him to them. He has made his own bed and I don't have to. What Kerri W said! My SDD's mother pulled this crap with her all the time. We had full custody of her and her mother was the most selfish toxic bitch I had ever met. I never said a unkind word about her mom to her, but I let her know I supported her 100% in her decisions. She hasn't spoken to her mom in over 18 years. I still support her and don't speak ill of her mother in front of her. She's an adult, married with 2 beautiful kids that her dad and I adore. Her mom still blames us for their lack of a relationship. She even came to us to try to make us fix it since we turned Sdd against her. I told her she did that all on her own. Her problems with Sdd were her own doing. It ours. I would not be the go between. Sdd had her own life and if she wanted that relationship she'd need to figure that out on her own. That didn't go over so well. O/W not my problem anymore. Just be there for your DD. Mean people suck. |
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Jun 20, 2016 19:55:47 GMT
craftykitten - I'm sorry your Dad treated you like that. My point was that the dumbass, stubborn male species sometimes makes choices/decisions that get them in a box they don't know how to get out of. Whether it be stubbornness, stupidity, meanness or just ignorance - and (IME) men don't easily see the other side. But that doesn't mean they aren't hurt by the situation. And the adult should be the one to reach out to fix it; as the child (or the adult child) you don't want to go forward, that's your choice--and no one should fault you for that. Hugs. Thanks ilikepink, sorry if I sounded like I disagreed with you. I think I was just trying to reinforce your message to your friend - that he needs to be the adult right now and try and maintain that relationship, even if it hurts him. Thanks  |
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Post by 950nancy on Jun 20, 2016 21:10:18 GMT
Remember that commercial where the kid is smoking pot and the dad yells at him? "I learned it from you, Dad!"
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by mlana on Jun 20, 2016 22:19:21 GMT
I understand. My Dad is one of those "not there for certain children" parents. Namely me. Last year he totally forgot my birthday. My Mom wasn't well (still isn't) so I understood that may be why since she usually does the birthday stuff. However I found out he didn't forget my sister's birthday which is just 5 days before me. Since she is his favourite, I understand why. Anyway this year my Mom was at my house last week. She gets a call from him. Afterwards she says Dad is asking what he is getting for Father's Day. I was seriously going to respond "A pile of shit". But then it's not my Mom's fault that she's dealing with on set Dementia and my Dad was ignoring it while buying a sail boat in Florida.  Though a talk with my Aunt who is his only sister promoted her to call him up and yell at him to get his "ass" back here and deal with it. My prim and proper Aunt said "ass"! So yeah, I wasn't pleased that he is phoning his wife who is having a hard time remembering things to "remind" me. Yes, I have made that dick an card and will throw in a $10 gift card because that's all I can afford the man who is living it up and giving his favourite money for this and that and not helping his wife out by getting her daily care until she can be in a home. She's that bad. I had her for a week and a half I am still exhausted. So yeah, I understand and it's got to be tough for your daughter. I don't deal with my Dad unless I have to do for a reason. It sucks when a parent can't really be bothered to be a parent. Just be there for your daughter as long as you can! I don't mean this in a snotty way - I am truly asking to learn. Why did you do this? Why would you give in to his demand to be treated like an honored parent when he is a dick thru and thru? I'm sure you had a reason, but I just can't see it from what you've shared. Marcy |
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mlana
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by mlana on Jun 20, 2016 22:31:43 GMT
I am so sorry you both are having to deal with the situation. It is so hard. With my DD, she knows that her father is an ass wipe, but, she still hangs onto the idea of having a loving and supportive father. It is hard to watch it year after year. Father's Day is my least favorite day of the entire year. As far as your DD not getting him a gift or acknowledging Father's Day, does he make sure that your DD has a Mother's Day gift for you? Probably not. What does he expect you to do? Take her shopping and make sure he is recognized but will not reciprocate? That is how I feel in my situation. Every year, I wonder why I do it. Why do I spend the time and $ to make sure my DD recognizes her father's birthday, Christmas and Father's Day. This year was interesting. I kept asking my DD what she wanted to give her father. She finally looked at me and said, "Mom, I don't know him at all. I don't know what he likes and what he doesn't like. It is the same with me. He doesn't know me at all. He doesn't know what I like." So we came up with an idea together and took it out to his mother's house to give to him. He is so wonderful that he doesn't want his own DD to know where he lives so we take the gifts to his mother's house. Yes, I could find out, but, to be honest, I don't give a damn where he lives. Why do you do it? Not being snarky. It seems to me that you are teaching her that someone can mistreat her and she still has to allow them to be a part of her life. I don't agree with that. I believe that you teach people how to treat you and doing for them while they do you wrong teaches them that they can treat you poorly and still expect to be treated well by you. If my ex didn't send my kid cards and gifts for their special days, they wouldn't be taught to send him such on his special days. Instead, they would be told that some adults don't value gifts and so don't give them. Those adults won't value being given gifts, either, so the child is under no obligation to give them a gift. This is a valuable lesson, IMHO. Marcy |
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Post by hop2 on Jun 20, 2016 22:52:11 GMT
Text back
'Hey ex, your card and gift are here, DD will give them to you next time you visit her, she prefers to give it in person, as I'm sure you feel the same way about her birthday and holiday gifts'
Ball squarely back in his court
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Post by peanuttle on Jun 20, 2016 22:59:56 GMT
I'm sorry, he sucks! I hate when grown "adults" pull that crap on kids.
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Post by OntarioScrapper on Jun 24, 2016 4:40:47 GMT
I understand. My Dad is one of those "not there for certain children" parents. Namely me. Last year he totally forgot my birthday. My Mom wasn't well (still isn't) so I understood that may be why since she usually does the birthday stuff. However I found out he didn't forget my sister's birthday which is just 5 days before me. Since she is his favourite, I understand why. Anyway this year my Mom was at my house last week. She gets a call from him. Afterwards she says Dad is asking what he is getting for Father's Day. I was seriously going to respond "A pile of shit". But then it's not my Mom's fault that she's dealing with on set Dementia and my Dad was ignoring it while buying a sail boat in Florida. Though a talk with my Aunt who is his only sister promoted her to call him up and yell at him to get his "ass" back here and deal with it. My prim and proper Aunt said "ass"! So yeah, I wasn't pleased that he is phoning his wife who is having a hard time remembering things to "remind" me. Yes, I have made that dick an card and will throw in a $10 gift card because that's all I can afford the man who is living it up and giving his favourite money for this and that and not helping his wife out by getting her daily care until she can be in a home. She's that bad. I had her for a week and a half I am still exhausted. So yeah, I understand and it's got to be tough for your daughter. I don't deal with my Dad unless I have to do for a reason. It sucks when a parent can't really be bothered to be a parent. Just be there for your daughter as long as you can! I don't mean this in a snotty way - I am truly asking to learn. Why did you do this? Why would you give in to his demand to be treated like an honored parent when he is a dick thru and thru? I'm sure you had a reason, but I just can't see it from what you've shared. Marcy Because he's still my dad. We are going to have a "family" discussion about my Mom this weekend. Maybe I'll just end up ripping the Father's Day card up infront of him. |
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Post by mlynn on Jun 24, 2016 5:56:23 GMT
The guy does sound like an asshat. But to prevent this from happening again, why not remind her to call on birthday and fathers day. If she says no then gently remind her that it is the right and gracious thing to do, doesnt cost her anything, and she wont feel bad after the occasions have passed. Bolding is mine.
The heck it doesn't! There is probably a HUGE emotional cost. All I have to do is speak about something approaching my highly dysfunctional family and I am in for nightmares for weeks. Not to mention the emotional toll during the days. And the voices in my head. Do not be so sure that it will not cost her anything.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:47:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2016 8:09:20 GMT
I'm so sorry. I know the pain you are feeling because this sounds like my ex husband. He did similar selfish, self-absorbed things to my daughter at just about the same age. His lack of respect for women was evident in his behavior towards her. I can't tell you how much I cried during those years and how much I (silently) blamed myself for giving my daughter a father like that.
Throughout her college years she put distance between them so he couldn't hurt her anymore, and when she got married she refused to have him walk her down the aisle. (I paid for the wedding myself.) She asked my son instead. For the first several years of her married life, she had very limited contact with him and she limited his access to her children. I never spoke badly about him. But hell if I wasn't going to acknowledge her feelings about the shoddy way he treated her.
He has now learned he has to be respectful of her if he wants to see her and his grandsons - which he does - and I think she is stronger in many ways than she would ever have been. She definitely has the upper hand in the relationship. People like this need to be trained in how you want to be treated. Sometimes, taking that high road might seem "nice," but it's not empowering for our daughters.
Sounds like your daughter did exactly the right thing in not sending him well wishes. Next she should block his phone calls until he can behave. Big hugs to you, mama.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
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Post by M in Carolina on Jun 24, 2016 10:00:34 GMT
I feel so badly for your daughter. I think you're doing the right thing by not speaking negatively about him. She'll always remember that.
I was talking to a friend this week about my narcissistic mother and brother and how they manipulate people by twisting the truth about events to make themselves out to be blameless victims. When someone gets tired of their shit and doesn't let them get their way, they always have excuses that the reason they treat people badly is because those people treating *them* badly. There's always an excuse for their bad behaviour even when they're expecting everyone else to act exactly like they think they should act (it's their "religious convictions"). Anything less than absolute obedience isn't tolerated, and when someone finally gets tired of it and backs off, they've been "betrayed". They expect other people to "forgive" any misbehaviour on their part while never forgiving or forgetting anything anyone else does to them, which will always be brought back up as ammunition and proof that everyone betrays and mistreats them. Nothing is ever their fault.
My friend reminded me that while I can't control their bad behaviour, it's ok to protect myself from being re-hurt and no longer put myself in the position to be hurt.
We can treat people positively and kindly without rewarding them for bad behaviour. Giving this dad cards and attention even when he doesn't care about the daughter rewards his bad behaviour. It's not ok for him to call his daughter and guilt her into giving him what he wants. He's shown that he really doesn't care about her. He just wants a card or a facebook post as a way to get attention from other people in his life who would wonder why his daughter didn't acknowledge Father's day or birthdays. It's all about him. He's twisted his separation from you and your daughter to make him out to be the victim. Unless he's getting attention for having a card to show people or putting on a show for a girlfriend or buddies of whining to your daughter, he doesn't really care. If he did care, he'd call her, send her birthday cards and presents, or at least call and apologise for forgetting her birthday, etc.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jun 24, 2016 10:58:08 GMT
But to prevent this from happening again, why not remind her to call on birthday and fathers day. If she says no then gently remind her that it is the right and gracious thing to do, doesnt cost her anything, and she wont feel bad after the occasions have passed. I truly have to disagree with you. It costs her a ton to have to "be the adult" and call him for his birthday and his father's day, when he can't be adult enough to remember her on her birthday, Christmas, etc. Any time a person is involved in a one-sided relationship, it is draining. I will not tell her (essentially) to "suck it up" and call him to appease his selfish, childish emotions. The heck it doesn't! There is probably a HUGE emotional cost. Thank you!!!! |
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Post by kimpossible on Jun 24, 2016 14:53:00 GMT
I'm so sorry - the Mama Bear in me wants to kick him in the shins! Your poor DD!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:47:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2016 16:10:36 GMT
But to prevent this from happening again, why not remind her to call on birthday and fathers day. If she says no then gently remind her that it is the right and gracious thing to do, doesnt cost her anything, and she wont feel bad after the occasions have passed. I truly have to disagree with you. It costs her a ton to have to "be the adult" and call him for his birthday and his father's day, when he can't be adult enough to remember her on her birthday, Christmas, etc. Any time a person is involved in a one-sided relationship, it is draining. I will not tell her (essentially) to "suck it up" and call him to appease his selfish, childish emotions. I agree with you. Not your job to prod her to call and if she doesn't want to, she shouldn't. That's exactly what he wants when he guilt trips her that way. |
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Though a talk with my Aunt who is his only sister promoted her to call him up and yell at him to get his "ass" back here and deal with it. My prim and proper Aunt said "ass"! So yeah, I wasn't pleased that he is phoning his wife who is having a hard time remembering things to "remind" me. Yes, I have made that dick an card and will throw in a $10 gift card because that's all I can afford the man who is living it up and giving his favourite money for this and that and not helping his wife out by getting her daily care until she can be in a home. She's that bad. I had her for a week and a half I am still exhausted.
Southern Side eyed Pea 