Deleted
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Aug 2, 2016 6:04:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2016 6:04:54 GMT
The way I kept a good male friend was to completely drop him for a while and just got to know his wife. We became great friends and I was able to keep his friendship. Becoming friends with the wife can only bless your friend and the overall friendship. This doubled.
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Nink
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Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Aug 2, 2016 10:15:24 GMT
Sorry about the dynamics of your friendship changing. It sucks. But I'm convinced you'll get it back at some point. I've had a male BFF for over 25 plus years and while I'm married, he's not, so anytime a new girlfriend comes along there's an ebb to the friendship, but eventually it gets back on track.
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raindancer
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Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Aug 2, 2016 10:52:19 GMT
The way I kept a good male friend was to completely drop him for a while and just got to know his wife. We became great friends and I was able to keep his friendship. Becoming friends with the wife can only bless your friend and the overall friendship. This doubled. Unless the wife isn't interested.
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Aug 2, 2016 12:50:54 GMT
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 2, 2016 12:50:54 GMT
I lost a long term friend from college this way. I was still single, but in serious relationship with future DH. She didn't like his friendship with me, or any other women.
I cutback the friendship when I learned my guy friend was only reaching out when she was out of town because of her opinion/jealousy. She'd never met me, so I know it wasn't me, personally she didn't like, but that didn't set well with me. It seemed bound for trouble.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Aug 2, 2016 12:56:38 GMT
It seriously pisses me off to hear about insecure idiotic women who think that opposite sex friends are a threat to their marriage or relationship. It's just disgusting and embarrassing to think that there are still women out there who think men can only be friends with men and women with women. Honestly? I've lost a few friends because of this stupidity and I wish they had pulled their balls out of her purse and stood up to them.
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blue tulip
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Jun 25, 2014 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by blue tulip on Aug 2, 2016 13:06:34 GMT
am I the only one wondering if new wife is this way because she knows something about her DH? perhaps he's been harboring feelings all this time, but never said anything to avoid disrupting the friendship, your marriage, or he knew you didn't feel the same? maybe she can tell there's something there? just a thought, from someone who hung out with a "platonic" friend after she was married who eventually turned out to be playing the very long game.
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Aug 2, 2016 13:08:25 GMT
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Post by LiLi on Aug 2, 2016 13:08:25 GMT
If you talked down about his wife to him, or he to you, that is completely inappropriate. You shouldn't be alone with him anyway. With others, sure no problem. Not alone though. LOL! My best friend happens to be a guy. We hang out alone and have no issues. Besides normal venting about our spouses, we don't talk shit about them. I don't feel like I am disrespecting my husband. Laugh all you want it works for us.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 2, 2016 13:19:25 GMT
The part that I dont' get it is why can't your husband come along?
Do you two make plans and then his wife comes along... why not just bring your husband along as well. It feels like that might normalize the situation for the new wife.
Also I would say their relationship is new... I would just keep up like you are and the wife might just decide to bow out when she realizes there is nothing between you too.
If you think of it from her position.... My new husband's best friend, a female, doesn't want me to come along when we hang out. (the peas would all be.. Red Flag)
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Aug 2, 2016 13:24:28 GMT
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Post by secondlife on Aug 2, 2016 13:24:28 GMT
My feelings are mixed.
I appreciate a little bit of discretion and though I feel that men and women can be friends, there are times when men and women alone together can cause misunderstandings or worse.
But my DH has female friends who have been in the picture since before I was around. He has a perfect, near 20 year track record of faithfulness. If I told him he couldn't see his friend without me around he would look at me like I had gone batty.
To complicate things, don't forget that people of the same sex can be attracted to each other too. So it isn't as if men and women is really the problem. that's a factor in my life, and misapplied this thought process could mean I would end up with no friends of my own at all. So you have to apply a different thought process to close friendships than just the gender of the people involved. Character matters.
I have to admit that I think befriending the wife is the most reasonable course of action. She may be figuring out how to establish herself in a life that has been going on for years and feel like she needs to find her role. I understand that. Maybe she feels like a 20 year friendship is hard to compete with even if you don't feel like you're competing. Maybe she is lonely.
It's possible she's a shitty person for sure - but your friend of 20 years picked her. Even if it doesn't work out, how much will your friend feel blessed to say - my friend of 20 years made such an effort to love the woman I married.
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inkedup
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Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Aug 2, 2016 15:07:07 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 2, 2016 15:07:07 GMT
My best friend happens to be a guy. We hang out alone and have no issues. Besides normal venting about our spouses, we don't talk shit about them. I don't feel like I am disrespecting my husband. Laugh all you want it works for us. So you are okay to hang out alone with your male friend, but OP is not? That's the part I found aughable. Like women and men can't be alone together without ripping their clothes off.
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Aug 2, 2016 15:20:08 GMT
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Post by LiLi on Aug 2, 2016 15:20:08 GMT
My best friend happens to be a guy. We hang out alone and have no issues. Besides normal venting about our spouses, we don't talk shit about them. I don't feel like I am disrespecting my husband. Laugh all you want it works for us. So you are okay to hang out alone with your male friend, but OP is not? That's the part I found aughable. Like women and men can't be alone together without ripping their clothes off. Wow, no. I must not have been clear. I am okay with anyone hanging out, alone. I thought it was inappropriate for her to talk shit with him about how his wife is the center of all of their friends troubles. I think talking shit about one's spouse is the thing that makes it bad for them to continue hanging out alone. It can be damaging to a marriage.
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Aug 2, 2016 15:53:49 GMT
inkedup likes this
Post by crimsoncat05 on Aug 2, 2016 15:53:49 GMT
but the OP never SAID the guy was talking shit about his wife to her... I think you inferred that from the posts.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 2, 2016 15:55:54 GMT
My husband has a few work friends that he can talk medical stuff with that puts me to sleep. I don't care if they are male or female as long as I don't have to sit and listen to it for hours. I am sure he feels exactly the same way about my work stuff.
I think you just need to be more careful with opposite sex friends. I think it works. You just need to be honest with yourself.
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Aug 2, 2016 18:03:10 GMT
Post by LiLi on Aug 2, 2016 18:03:10 GMT
but the OP never SAID the guy was talking shit about his wife to her... I think you inferred that from the posts. We already solved that read again, you missed it
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Post by papersilly on Aug 2, 2016 18:25:43 GMT
mine too. my friend has great season seats to Laker games. I mean absolutely awesome seats. his GF never wants to go with him so one time he took me and we had a really great time. during the game we cheered, danced around our seats during breaks and even appeared on the Jumbotron screen. the team even won and the confetti and streamers fell from the ceiling. well, he told her what a great time we had and she told him he is not allowed to take me to a game anymore because he is not allowed to have fun with anyone but her. well, crap.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 2, 2016 18:40:04 GMT
That's a tough one. My BFF is a man. He has actually been friends with my DH longer than he has been friends with me but we are closer. We hang out together quite regularly. But for a little while he was in a relationship with a woman who was uncomfortable with our friendship and he did pull back and we stuck to couples events only.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 2:24:02 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2016 22:18:38 GMT
but the OP never SAID the guy was talking shit about his wife to her... I think you inferred that from the posts.
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Post by katiekaty on Aug 2, 2016 23:34:45 GMT
In my opinion, the DH and my home and work life is really busy and hectic. Spending time together can really be tough to find sometimes. If Dh wanted to ditch me and spend time with guy friends doing guy things, that is kind of one thing, same as when I do crafty, scrappy, shoppy, girly things with my friends. We tend to do that at the same time. But if he wanted to ditch me to spend time with a female friend, then I might get a bit upset-most females kind of want to do the same things I do. Maybe you like the old movies, museums, etc. These are more DATE-LIKE THINGS that you are describing. Doesn't mean that my DH should spend that time with his female friend doing those things, when our time together may be tight. You don't get to "date" my husband and have your own DH too. Doing those kind of things should be adapted so WE can do them together-maybe see a movie that is of interest to both of us, go to an art or music festival together. If his female friend wants to come too, fine, but if not fine. AND, just once in a while. His place is first and foremost with me, not you.
And just trying to push and keep that friendship going will cost one of two things: your friendship completely or ruining your friends marriage.
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Deleted
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Aug 3, 2016 1:04:53 GMT
Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2016 1:04:53 GMT
And just trying to push and keep that friendship going will cost one of two things: your friendship completely or ruining your friends marriage.
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Aug 3, 2016 2:14:03 GMT
Post by katiekaty on Aug 3, 2016 2:14:03 GMT
Sometimes you just have to let go. Trying to hard can be just as damaging to all of the relationships involved, even if it's mutual. Your friend needs to also realize that things have changed since he got married, too,, as you should, also. Sometimes you are the third wheel, period. Pushing so hard with his marriage still new (and it will be for a few more years) will also increase her fears and insecurity. You should gracefully back off and let them be. This is there bonding time and they need it.
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Deleted
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Jun 2, 2024 2:24:02 GMT
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Aug 3, 2016 2:27:27 GMT
LiLi likes this
Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2016 2:27:27 GMT
Sometimes you just have to let go. Trying to hard can be just as damaging to all of the relationships involved, even if it's mutual. Your friend needs to also realize that things have changed since he got married, too,, as you should, also. Sometimes you are the third wheel, period. Pushing so hard with his marriage still new (and it will be for a few more years) will also increase her fears and insecurity. You should gracefully back off and let them be. This is there bonding time and they need it.
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~Lauren~
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Jun 26, 2014 3:33:18 GMT
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Aug 3, 2016 2:43:37 GMT
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Post by ~Lauren~ on Aug 3, 2016 2:43:37 GMT
This is an issue that each couple needs to address for themselves. While it may be upsetting to pre-marriage friends, in the end, it's the couple's relationship and their decision to make.
OP, I do understand that it's disappointing but it is what it is.
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Aug 3, 2016 2:57:38 GMT
Post by freecharlie on Aug 3, 2016 2:57:38 GMT
My husband has a few work friends that he can talk medical stuff with that puts me to sleep. I don't care if they are male or female as long as I don't have to sit and listen to it for hours. I am sure he feels exactly the same way about my work stuff. I think you just need to be more careful with opposite sex friends. I think it works. You just need to be honest with yourself. OMG, we could be twins. I don't care about the medical stuff DH deals with at work. i have no frame of reference for his tests or machines or whatever and I don't care.
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smginaz Suzy
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Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Aug 3, 2016 5:09:03 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Aug 3, 2016 5:09:03 GMT
I get it. I am changing jobs and losing my work BFF. We are close in a sister/brother way and share similar interests in literature and in some cases, rude behavior. But once I leave the company, I just don't think I can maintain this friendship-it was built as a professional relationship and I would think it was weird for me to contact him outside the bounds of work. But I am so going to miss him!
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Deleted
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Aug 3, 2016 12:16:54 GMT
Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2016 12:16:54 GMT
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Aug 3, 2016 17:38:58 GMT
Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 3, 2016 17:38:58 GMT
If you feel I am being too pushy feel free to ignore this. This quote is why I questioned why your husband can't come along. And what's weird is, I've suggested getting together as two couples, but that never seems to get off the ground. Oh well. If three of you are already going... it sounds like your husband chooses not to go. You can not control anyone else's behavior or response, so if you can alter things on your end, by having your husband come along. Perhaps the four of you will find a common ground to have fun together, or maybe you and your friend will bore your spouses with your talk of old movies and they will let you have the occasional lunch etc. without them. 3 of my closest friends from college were guys. When I was married I would see them with and without my ex. It was always his decision. So I get it. I understand wanting things to be the same, but they are changed. So you will have to decide if you want the altered relationship or not.
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Aug 3, 2016 18:06:43 GMT
Post by BeckyTech on Aug 3, 2016 18:06:43 GMT
Bummer.
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Aug 3, 2016 18:35:25 GMT
Post by bc2ca on Aug 3, 2016 18:35:25 GMT
DH & I met and married in our 30s, so both came into the relationship with strong, long term, opposite sex friendships. It is hard to make adjustments with a new relationship and find the time to nuture the old. Sometimes favorite friendships do get lost in the shuffle or drop to a once or twice a year status instead of weekly or monthly. TBH, I would be looking forward to spending Friday night with my DH and not sure how I'd feel if that was the time he choose to go out with any friend over me unless I already had a commitment. Knowing nothing about this new wife, can you try time your get-togethers around when she is busy doing something else?
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Aug 4, 2016 1:02:41 GMT
Post by katiekaty on Aug 4, 2016 1:02:41 GMT
Sometimes you just have to let go. Trying to hard can be just as damaging to all of the relationships involved, even if it's mutual. Your friend needs to also realize that things have changed since he got married, too,, as you should, also. Sometimes you are the third wheel, period. Pushing so hard with his marriage still new (and it will be for a few more years) will also increase her fears and insecurity. You should gracefully back off and let them be. This is there bonding time and they need it. Well, you're entitled to your opinion, and I certainly asked for it by posting here. But I repeat I am not "pushing so hard." His wife is okay with our getting together once in awhile, as long as she joins us. I have never once said, "oh, can't you leave your wife at home" and I go out of my way to make sure to talk to her almost more than I talk to him. She and I aren't going to be BFFs but we do text each other. There are friends of his that she's not okay with at all, and THAT has caused problems for them. I am not a problem for them. And just how do you know that you are NOT a problem for them? Your friend will not tell, he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. His wife won't say anything to you, she doesn't want to hurt her husband. I am just saying, NO ONE is going to just come out and say it is an issue, even if you ask and push for an answer. Maybe you also just don't want to see. But what you have posted, lets me see that there MAY be a problem. Those that cannot not see, just don't want to see. Don't remember where this quote gets attributed to, but it might apply.
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