grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Aug 29, 2016 12:43:49 GMT
A couple who experienced the loss of a stillborn baby girl earlier this year was having a bit of a sad moment at a family event over the weekend. The husband of said couple was sad because he was watching his niece and her father (his BIL) interacting together and it made him think of the daughter he lost and that he would never experience that. While still upset, the mom (his sister) asks what's wrong and when told, she says "well just have another baby!".
Part of me says her intention was not to hurt and was being supportive, but the other side of me says that she was being incredibly insensitive. I had every desire to throat punch this woman for saying something so crass and insensitive, but part of me wonders if I am overreacting and that she was simply trying to help them through their loss.
Thoughts?
|
|
|
|
Post by Miss Ang on Aug 29, 2016 12:46:31 GMT
It was horribly insensitive.
|
|
craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
|
Post by craftykitten on Aug 29, 2016 12:47:46 GMT
I'm sure she would say she was trying to be supportive. But I think its incredibly hurtful and insensitive. People are idiots sometimes.
|
|
Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,240 
|
Post by Peamac on Aug 29, 2016 12:49:36 GMT
I'm sure she had good intentions, but it certainly was hurtful. I'm guessing she didn't really know what to say and now regrets her comment. At least I hope that's the case!
|
|
|
|
Post by Sam on Aug 29, 2016 12:50:17 GMT
I agree - very insensitive and she should have known better. It's not really as simple as replacing a phone et al, is it? Even if she had to go the 'have another baby route', it was incredibly undiplomatic - could have worded it along the lines of, 'you will be an amazing father and when the time feels right...' (I'm not sure I'd have gone beyond an 'I'm sorry' and hug or pat on the back, though, at a family gathering.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:52:01 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 12:55:52 GMT
It's a stupid thing to say no matter what the intention.
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on Aug 29, 2016 13:00:23 GMT
I've lost a baby, and I cannot tell you the times that people said this. Probably on a monthly basis for the first 5 or so years. Even now, a decade later, people ask why we didnt just have another kid. Cause you know, you can totally replace the one you lost like you replaced the shoe your dog chewed. Ugh.
People don't think before they open their trap. Its hurtful and incredibly insensitive.
|
|
|
|
Post by monklady123 on Aug 29, 2016 13:05:02 GMT
Yes, insensitive. Especially with the use of the word "just".... as if one baby is interchangeable with another one.  Sometimes people don't know what to say so they say stupid stuff. Really the best thing is just "I'm so sorry", or in this case maybe "it must be so hard...I can't imagine". |
|
|
|
Post by gar on Aug 29, 2016 13:05:32 GMT
She was forgetting that that baby was their child, the one they were waiting to meet and already loved, not just an anonymous 'baby'. You wouldn't say to a widow, "Well, just find another husband"
|
|
Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,244
Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
|
Post by Gravity on Aug 29, 2016 13:28:12 GMT
Very, very stupid and insensitive thing for her to say. Other equally stupid insensitive comments are "It was God's will" and "They are in a better place."
|
|
|
|
Post by anonrefugee on Aug 29, 2016 13:28:34 GMT
It was a comment made between siblings, it's possible you don't know about their ongoing discussion and shared feelings. Assuming they have a good relationship, of course.
Missing context is one of the problems with overheard comments. Taken at face value it's coarse!
My father was once heard saying a phrase to me that caused someone to think they needed to comfort me. Because they were trying to be kind I explained the bigger long term reason and enlightened them. If she'd shared the comment to others and been judgemental she not only would have been wrong, but rude. (I'm sure you didn't and only brought it here.)
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:52:01 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 13:33:49 GMT
So fucking heartless and rude.
If that's anyone's idea of support, they completely lack social skills and empathy and basic human decency.
|
|
|
|
Post by disneypal on Aug 29, 2016 13:39:00 GMT
Totally insensitive...he lost his child! While he never interacted with his daughter, he still loved her and was heartbroken and is grieving. How sad for him to be told something like that  |
|
LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
|
Post by LeaP on Aug 29, 2016 13:43:56 GMT
Insensitive. A stillborn child is life changing and traumatic.
|
|
|
|
Post by miominmio on Aug 29, 2016 13:48:43 GMT
It's so incredibly hurtful and insensitive! A child, even one you haven't met yet, isn't something that can be replaced. Yes, maybe they will have another child, but that child will never, ever replace the child they lost.
|
|
|
|
Post by leslie132 on Aug 29, 2016 13:55:04 GMT
Having had the child that passed away after birth, I can say without a doubt, I would view that comment as vile!!
Shame on someone for being stupid enough to think that another baby can every replace the child that was lost. We were blessed again after our daughter died, and while our boys are a blessing and brighten our lives, they in no way replace what we lost!!
|
|
smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,509
Location: MN
|
Post by smcast on Aug 29, 2016 14:10:47 GMT
It's insensitive and dismisses his grief. I think it is about the same as when someone relies, "oh, well," to your statement. Almost as if it doesn't matter at all. Some people just don't think but want to say something and that is not always best. An "I'm sorry" goes a long ways.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:52:01 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2016 14:11:28 GMT
Very insensitive. It may be very well simply how the siblings interact with each other, but still not appropriate. I agree with you OP. I'd want to throat punch her too!
|
|
|
|
Post by pierkiss on Aug 29, 2016 14:12:55 GMT
I think that was a really shitty thing to say. Hugs. Hugs are always a good thing when words fail or you don't know how to word something. Hugs and listening ears.
|
|
|
|
Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 29, 2016 14:15:12 GMT
Definitely insensitive. |
|
|
|
Post by Linda on Aug 29, 2016 14:42:07 GMT
insensitive and rude
|
|
|
|
Post by compwalla on Aug 29, 2016 14:46:15 GMT
A couple who experienced the loss of a stillborn baby girl earlier this year was having a bit of a sad moment at a family event over the weekend. The husband of said couple was sad because he was watching his niece and her father (his BIL) interacting together and it made him think of the daughter he lost and that he would never experience that. While still upset, the mom (his sister) asks what's wrong and when told, she says "well just have another baby!". Part of me says her intention was not to hurt and was being supportive, but the other side of me says that she was being incredibly insensitive. I had every desire to throat punch this woman for saying something so crass and insensitive, but part of me wonders if I am overreacting and that she was simply trying to help them through their loss. Thoughts? That is fucking terrible. Just....no. |
|
bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,859
|
Post by bethany102399 on Aug 29, 2016 14:47:09 GMT
I'm going to have to go with taken out of context, though I can't come up with any context in which that comment would be acceptable. largely because I can't believe anyone would be so stupid as to actually think that. For those who have heard it, I'm so very sorry for the a$$hats that have no filter. because that is beyond the pale.
I have experienced that situation myself, there is a child we interact with often who would be close in age to a baby we lost. for me, it's healing to be around her. I would however throat punch someone who had the audacity to say that to me.
|
|
GiantsFan
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,704
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
|
Post by GiantsFan on Aug 29, 2016 14:48:49 GMT
It is horribly insensitive. As someone who has personally had stillborn births (twins) that comment makes me cringe every time I hear it.
I'm sure this "advice" was given with the best of intentions but it's not comforting to the grieving parents at all.
|
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on Aug 29, 2016 15:02:26 GMT
Unbelievably insensitive. Wow.
|
|
used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,147
|
Post by used2scrap on Aug 29, 2016 15:07:42 GMT
She was forgetting that that baby was their child, the one they were waiting to meet and already loved, not just an anonymous 'baby'. You wouldn't say to a widow, "Well, just find another husband" I think you maybe surprised to find that people actually have and do say this to young widows!! And I'll agree there is no "just have another baby", horribly insensitive! |
|
momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,156
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
|
Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 29, 2016 15:54:37 GMT
Punching in her throat wouldn't have been wrong!! I'm not even sure insensitive is a strong enough word.
|
|
The Birdhouse Lady
Prolific Pea
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,589
Location: Alaska -The Last Frontier
Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
|
Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Aug 29, 2016 16:23:51 GMT
It was very rude and insensitive. I hope she thought about her words and will offer an apology.
|
|
snugglebutter
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,566
|
Post by snugglebutter on Aug 29, 2016 16:26:41 GMT
Oh hell no.
We lost our first child at birth and there were only a small handful of people who we felt comfortable talking to about potential future children. None of them behaved like this woman. She may have had good intentions but she was completely thoughtless.
|
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Aug 29, 2016 16:34:07 GMT
It was a comment made between siblings, it's possible you don't know about their ongoing discussion and shared feelings. Assuming they have a good relationship, of course. Missing context is one of the problems with overheard comments. Taken at face value it's coarse! My father was once heard saying a phrase to me that caused someone to think they needed to comfort me. Because they were trying to be kind I explained the bigger long term reason and enlightened them. If she'd shared the comment to others and been judgemental she not only would have been wrong, but rude. (I'm sure you didn't and only brought it here.) I agree with context, but I really still have a hard time with telling someone to "just have another baby." It does not take away the pain. It is not compassionate. I have a friend who really wanted to have kids and when I got pregnant, telling her was the hardest thing ever. She was very gracious. My son is now grown and I always remembered to bite my tongue about how hard or time consuming it is to raise a kid because I know she would gladly have gone through it. |
|
_on_the_beach.jpg)
