|
Post by LAM88 on Aug 7, 2014 1:47:43 GMT
and I don't know what if anything I should say to her. She asked me how my MIL was doing and I told her that she had taken a turn for the worse and was in the final stages of cancer. And then I said to her: "You know how it is with cancer...you are doing fine until all of the sudden one day you are not and then it's downhill from there." She didn't react to what I said, but afterwards as we were talking it struck me that SHE HAS CANCER TOO!!! You may wonder how I could have forgotten that my friend has cancer, but she is extremely private in general and especially about this, so it's not something that we've discussed in quite some time. I think the last time she said anything was last Fall, and then I think it was only because I caught her at a weak moment when she had learned that her margins were not clear after having large portion of her lung removed. Additionally she looks very healthy, has more energy than most people I know, and is not doing any treatments so it's not like you think "cancer" when you see her. I realized in mid-conversation what I had said, but I froze and didn't know how to react. I wish I had just apologized right then and there, but now I don't know what to say after the fact, if anything. Help me out Peas...what should I say? ======== UPDATE: I sent my friend an email because we aren't really phone conversationalists. She thanked me for the apology and told me not to give it another thought. She said that cancer sucks, but she was grateful that her cancer was a more curable kind, unlike my MILs terminal cancer. But she also didn't have to ask me what I was referring to so it clearly left an impression of some kind. Glad I cleared the air on that. Thanks Peas!
|
|
caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
|
Post by caro on Aug 7, 2014 1:54:12 GMT
I would go back to her and tell her you feel you made an insensitive remark to her and how sorry you are. Telling someone you are sorry for something you said is healing for you and hopefully she will accept your apology.
You can 't go wrong with a sincere apology.
|
|
|
Post by leslie132 on Aug 7, 2014 1:54:17 GMT
You should talk just like you did here. You sound very sincere in the fact that you don't want to have caused hard feelings. I would also be honest that she seems healthier than other people you know, and that it slipped your mind. Cancer sucks, and is a tough subject. I would do it sooner instead of later.... Both of you will feel better for it!
|
|
|
Post by annabella on Aug 7, 2014 1:56:18 GMT
Wow. You should have apologized on the spot.
That happened on the Today show once when Katie Couric was interviewing Robin Williams. He made some off color joke about not wanting to get a colonoscopy, then immediately caught himself, it was a tense moment live on TV. He quickly apologized (which is the decent thing to do) and I have to hand it to Katie she took it with grace and smiled and said politely "that's ok". It was uncomfortable to watch.
|
|
|
Post by katlaw on Aug 7, 2014 2:02:44 GMT
If I was your friend I would be turning that casual remark over and over in my mind, picking at it and worrying about it. I think you should just call her and tell her what you said here. If you leave it and you find out later it hurt her feelings you will feel awful. I had a friend one time go on and on about how she could NEVER make the decision to stop life support for a loved one and she cannot imagine what kind of person could do that. She just kept talking about how terrible someone would be to do that. I could see the change in her face when she remembered that I had to make that decision for someone I loved. But she just stopped talking and did not apologize.
|
|
marianne
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys. . . My monkeys fly!
Posts: 4,176
Location: right smack dab in the middle of SC
Site Supporter
Jun 25, 2014 21:08:26 GMT
|
Post by marianne on Aug 7, 2014 2:11:21 GMT
I would go back to her and tell her you feel you made an insensitive remark to her and how sorry you are. Telling someone you are sorry for something you said is healing for you and hopefully she will accept your apology. You can 't go wrong with a sincere apology. Don't wait until the 'time is right' - do it now.
|
|
eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
|
Post by eastcoastpea on Aug 7, 2014 2:14:43 GMT
Say it like you did here. Good luck.
|
|
melissa
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,912
Jun 25, 2014 20:45:00 GMT
|
Post by melissa on Aug 7, 2014 2:23:10 GMT
Go ahead and say something... however, she may not have given it a second thought. Many of us who live in cancerland do speak quite frankly about it.
|
|
|
Post by mcscrapper on Aug 7, 2014 2:23:10 GMT
I would call her quickly and tell her what you said here. No excuses, just an apology is all that is necessary.
meredith
|
|
janeliz
Drama Llama
I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.
Posts: 5,641
Jun 26, 2014 14:35:07 GMT
|
Post by janeliz on Aug 7, 2014 2:25:08 GMT
I agree with previous posters. You can't go wrong with just giving an honest and heartfelt apology. I think a friend will understand that sometimes we all just stick our feet in our mouths. You're human. It happens, but it's not too late to rectify the situation.
|
|
|
Post by bluepoprocks on Aug 7, 2014 2:32:43 GMT
I did something like that. There was a house fire near where I worked and a woman who the year before lost her grandchildren in a house fire was walking by and I grabbed her and said oh my god look how bad that fire is I hope everyone got out. I realized my mistake as the words came out but they were already out. I apologized immediately because I knew by the look on her face that I had brought that nightmare day into her mind. I felt so awful.
Just apologize I'm sure she'll forgive you.
|
|
|
Post by mztfied on Aug 7, 2014 2:35:16 GMT
Talk to her.
|
|
|
Post by donna on Aug 7, 2014 2:46:09 GMT
I agree with the others. Just call her and tell her everything that you told us.
|
|
|
Post by doesitmatter on Aug 7, 2014 2:53:32 GMT
I would go back to her and tell her you feel you made an insensitive remark to her and how sorry you are. Telling someone you are sorry for something you said is healing for you and hopefully she will accept your apology. You can 't go wrong with a sincere apology. I agree.
|
|
gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,092
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
|
Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 7, 2014 3:16:03 GMT
I would send her flowers, a note of apology and an invitation to lunch to talk.
|
|
|
Post by anonrefugee on Aug 7, 2014 3:20:58 GMT
My DH did this with a friend last weekend. They both looked at each other for split second as they processed. Then both erupted laughing. He apologized over and over and friend realized she's doing so good others "forget". So in a way it became a positive- his was more of a "as fun as a trip to cancer clinic" kind of comment, no references about The End.
Hers is a chronic type, the doctors have told her she's as likely to die from anything else before this gets her. Who knew?
Good luck, you've gotten nice advice here. If it was me my friends know I'm a mess, they'd understand.
|
|
NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
Jun 25, 2014 21:53:42 GMT
|
Post by NoWomanNoCry on Aug 7, 2014 3:21:04 GMT
I agree with others..just say you are sorry don't make excuses and ask for her forgiveness. Good luck
|
|
|
Post by scrapmaven on Aug 7, 2014 3:23:34 GMT
Be authentic with your apology. Oh, how I feel for you. The earth never opens up and swallows us whole when we need it to, does it?
|
|
kelkel
Junior Member
Posts: 77
Jul 10, 2014 16:31:30 GMT
|
Post by kelkel on Aug 7, 2014 3:27:53 GMT
I'm in agreement with the rest. I would tell her that you've been bothered by what you said and that you wanted to make sure she was okay. Obviously, you meant no harm and I'm sure she knows that. Good luck!
|
|
|
Post by peano on Aug 7, 2014 3:36:56 GMT
Wow. You should have apologized on the spot. That happened on the Today show once when Katie Couric was interviewing Robin Williams. He made some off color joke about not wanting to get a colonoscopy, then immediately caught himself, it was a tense moment live on TV. He quickly apologized (which is the decent thing to do) and I have to hand it to Katie she took it with grace and smiled and said politely "that's ok". It was uncomfortable to watch. Geez, Annabella, we're all human here and I'm sure we've all had moments we'd like to do over. Cut tango some slack. I'm the queen of saying stupid things I regret, but I find people are forgiving. Just tell her what you've told us...and do it soon.
|
|
|
Post by worrywart on Aug 7, 2014 3:56:09 GMT
People are forgiving...just remember OP, if you do call and talk with her about it and apologize sincerely, you will have to stop beating yourself up over it. That is, even if she is not understanding etc. you will have done all that you can. Sorry, I hate it when I say something I regret but it is a part of life. Also, it is possible that she didn't really take anything personally from it at all. Hugs!
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Aug 7, 2014 4:09:43 GMT
I would send her flowers, a note of apology and an invitation to lunch to talk. I think this is complete overkill. I'd be embarrassed if someone did all this over making an awkward comment. I agree with Melissa ... those of us who have had cancer tend to be more cavalier about it. Call her and apologize. She will probably say it's nothing. If she actually is upset, THEN you can send the flowers and the note of apology.
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Aug 7, 2014 5:27:37 GMT
It is very hard to be upset or mad at a person who has apologized for something they truly feel badly about. I would say the sooner the better… for your heart.
|
|
anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
|
Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 7, 2014 6:20:13 GMT
Just call her and apologise. We all open our mouths and put out foot in it sometimes. I dare say she will have done similar in the past. I agree that the flowers and lunch thing is too much, and would put way too much emphasis on the situation.
|
|
cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
|
Post by cycworker on Aug 7, 2014 8:02:44 GMT
I would send her flowers, a note of apology and an invitation to lunch to talk. I think this is complete overkill. I'd be embarrassed if someone did all this over making an awkward comment. I agree with Melissa ... those of us who have had cancer tend to be more cavalier about it. Call her and apologize. She will probably say it's nothing. If she actually is upset, THEN you can send the flowers and the note of apology. I think Lucy's right. Keep it simple.
|
|
|
Post by TracieClaiborne on Aug 7, 2014 8:30:19 GMT
Being the big chicken that I am - I would send her a note on FB or an e-mail and I say, "Hey! I got to thinking about what I said earlier about cancer and realized how insensitive that was! I am so sorry! Please forgive me and my big mouth." (Not that you have a big mouth - I do and have had to say this very thing before!!!!!!)
|
|
|
Post by gar on Aug 7, 2014 9:21:36 GMT
I agree that the flowers and lunch thing is too much, and would put way too much emphasis on the situation. Me too. I'm with the majority in thinking a genuine apology can't fail.
|
|
|
Post by phoenixcov on Aug 7, 2014 12:00:08 GMT
I`ve been on the receiving end of an apology like this and appreciated it very much. Don`t overthink what to say, just say it from the heart. Good luck.
|
|
|
Post by anxiousmom on Aug 7, 2014 12:15:27 GMT
I tend to express myself better in writing than in person, so I would probably send a handwritten apology, and then follow up with a phone call. It additionally allows the person you are apologizing to a bit of time to decide how they want to handle it. The thing is, we ALL do and say things at the most inappropriate times. Lots of people don't even notice when they hurt others, so you are already way ahead of the curve-and wanting to apologize puts you even further. Don't beat yourself up too much, you can apologize and move on.
|
|
akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
|
Post by akathy on Aug 7, 2014 12:54:26 GMT
I'd call and apologize.
|
|