tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 9, 2014 9:56:55 GMT
"Mr. XXXX Age 74, passed away Wednesday, June 18, 2014 at Hurley Medical Center. XXXX was born in Flint, MI on November 25, 1939 and deceased on June 18, 2014. The XXXX estate has suffered significant losses and devastating embarrassments. To reserve what little dignity our family was allowed to have, we decided not to have a funeral or a memorial service. For all who wish to send condolences, please address them to (name and address removed). For many years our dad has suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD); we don't know whether it was the result of witnessing his foster mom decease from a diabetic stroke at age 4 and laying with her for 8 hours until his foster dad returned home from work and told him that she had passed and would never wake up again. Or from being in the Army when the military was extremely segregated or a combination of both. Dad was not perfect, and he knew that but he tried his best to be perfect as he could; when he fell short, he spent a great deal of his time pointing out the unfair imperfections of others at anytime and anywhere. This personality flaw rubbed a lot of people the wrong way and turned a lot of former friends and family alike into enemies and now his children have inherited his enemies. Dad usually meant well but did not know how to convey the difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism. It takes a very resilient person to survive our dad's environment. Speaking from experience, as a son, I took his criticism as a challenge and did my best to prove it wrong. For those who know our dad, know that he was truthful in what he said but it was painful. Those of us who were resilient, appreciated dad's critiquing of our flaws and his truthfulness after we learned not to take it personal. It takes a great deal of time to recover from our dad's arsenal of insults and many never did recover. We as his children don't have a clue as to who or how many people our dad has offended; all that we know is that we have paid a steep price for it. As we ask God to forgive us for our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us; we personally want to apologize to the greater Flint community for our father's inconsiderate insults and any that we may have committed. "We send our greatest sympathy." The new generation of XXXX "understands that the best offense is to never offend at all." Thanks to all of my dad's friends and family who showed support in our times of need. Please pray for us in our time of healing."
I thought this was the oddest obit I had ever read. I worked with Mr. XXXX for quite a few years and he was a character. I just felt bad that his children who are certainly middle aged are still in so much pain over their father's life.
Disclaimer: I think I took out most of the identifying things although if someone is determined enough, they can surely find the information. However, it was posted in a local newspaper so it is public information.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,092
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Aug 9, 2014 11:50:00 GMT
Wow. Sad on so many levels. Definitely unusual.
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bomo
Full Member
Posts: 150
Jun 26, 2014 15:54:49 GMT
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Post by bomo on Aug 9, 2014 11:59:36 GMT
Sorry to see so much bitterness in an obit. Do hope they find some healing.
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Post by librarylady on Aug 9, 2014 14:38:12 GMT
Wow. Sad on so many levels. Definitely unusual. I agree.
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Aug 9, 2014 14:53:33 GMT
Maybe more of these types of obituaries will become more popular. I know I was taught not to speak ill of the dead, but so many common courtesies are falling away. My brother said some awful stuff to people who were at the hospital when my dad was dying as well as acting like a huge ass at the funeral.
I totally understand the anger and hurt of having a toxic person as a parent. I do think that writing an obituary like that speaks more of the character of the children than of the deceased parent.
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Post by traceys on Aug 9, 2014 14:58:20 GMT
I'm not even sure how to respond to that. I can't imagine wanting to publish something like that, even if it was how I felt.
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Post by turangaleela on Aug 9, 2014 14:59:03 GMT
This is very sad. I hope it helps this man's children find some closure.
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Post by peasapie on Aug 9, 2014 15:08:34 GMT
I have such mixed feelings about this. On the one hand it seems like way too much information made public and for what? The man is gone. On the other hand, sometimes it's good to get it all out and this may be their only chance.
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Post by houston249 on Aug 9, 2014 15:11:09 GMT
It is sad. But I see where they might be coming from: What are you to do with a person who hoards nasty experiences with his family?
I chose the word HOARD carefully. Things might be a bit off from the outside, but enter the family's everyday life behind the closed doors and it is much like one of thoses houses you see on hoarders where they find cats that "ran off" 3 years ago dead or 4 ft of used adult diapers (because they haven't been able to reach the toilet in 2 years). But instead of hoarding things, Mr. XXXX let his insults permeated into every part of his life. It is something so overwelming you can't ignore his negitive behaviour anymore than you can ignore the stench of 3 years of adult diapers.
Much like those hoarders on tv, it doesnt matter how many times you try to talk to them, a healthy relationship is impossible for them. After so many minutes, hours, months, days and years of this kind of behaviour it is not so much bitterness. It is just a fact. You deal with it as it is and move on.
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Post by vi on Aug 9, 2014 15:31:14 GMT
I've seen a lot of obituaries and that is the most unusual one I've read. Sounds like that family has a lot of healing to go through. They must have a lot of harsh memories to not even have a memorial service.
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Post by sillyrabbit on Aug 9, 2014 15:43:28 GMT
I have never seen an obit anything like that. Sounds like maybe the children feel obligated to take care of his arrangements but don't want to pretend that he was an amazing person like lots of people do when a particularly troublesome family member passes. I probably would've just put the basics in the obit or not done one at all.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 8, 2024 11:46:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2014 15:55:19 GMT
Wow! I've never seen an obit like that. It sounds like his children want to be judged on who they are, not on who their dad was 'cause he sounds like he was a big jerk. Still not something I'd share with the entire world.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Aug 9, 2014 16:00:12 GMT
To summarize, our dad was a huge asshole. Sorry.
That's basically what I got from it. I think that stuff belongs on the couch of a therapists office. That just makes the family seem bitter and angry. They should have stuck to the basics.
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,229
Jun 26, 2014 0:09:18 GMT
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Post by Peamac on Aug 9, 2014 16:03:33 GMT
How sad that his children have to bear the burden of going through this loss with very few people to comfort them. It's one thing to lose a parent and have a bunch of support from family and friends, but to lose a father and know that he drove so many people away for so many years- must be very difficult.
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Post by disneypal on Aug 9, 2014 16:10:47 GMT
Wow - that is an odd obit. I think I am more of the kind that goes by "If you can't say something nice....." approach. I think they should have just said "Mr. XXXX Age 74, passed away Wednesday, June 18, 2014 at Hurley Medical Center. XXXX was born in Flint, MI on November 25, 1939 and deceased on June 18, 2014. There will be no public funeral or memorial service. Condolences can be sent to (name and address removed). And just leave it at that. ETA: I like my new ranking with this post [HASH] 314)
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 9, 2014 16:25:50 GMT
It is sad. But I see where they might be coming from: What are you to do with a person who hoards nasty experiences with his family? I Houston, I understand what you mean, but not sure who you think is the Hoarder in this case. The father that died, or the child" who is so hurt or resentful they wrote this? It reads to me like both held onto their negative, and even horrible experiences.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 8, 2024 11:46:32 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2014 16:31:41 GMT
Wow. Just wow. I can't even imagine being able to write something like that, let alone publishing it.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 9, 2014 16:32:01 GMT
There are times when the less said, the better. This is one of them. Whatever has gone on before, this reflects really badly on his family.
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Post by marmargirl on Aug 9, 2014 16:34:27 GMT
To summarize, our dad was a huge asshole. Sorry. That's basically what I got from it. I think that stuff belongs on the couch of a therapists office. That just makes the family seem bitter and angry. They should have stuck to the basics. I agree. The man's obituary was not the place to air these feelings, in my opinion.
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Post by cecelia on Aug 9, 2014 16:37:19 GMT
I think they should have just said "Mr. XXXX Age 74, passed away Wednesday, June 18, 2014 at Hurley Medical Center. XXXX was born in Flint, MI on November 25, 1939 and deceased on June 18, 2014. There will be no public funeral or memorial service. Condolences can be sent to (name and address removed). And just leave it at that. I completely agree. Or they could have skipped the obit altogether. Congrats on reaching pi. May you continue posting for infinity.
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Post by PEArfect on Aug 9, 2014 16:43:38 GMT
Besides the fact that they basically aired their 'dirty laundry' in the newspaper, is anyone else wondering how much that obit cost???
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Post by jenjie on Aug 9, 2014 16:47:15 GMT
See I kind of agree with @nicksmom. It seems like whatever dad did already made his family look bad. Maybe they were trying to do damage control. As she said, don't judge us by what our dad did.
It's a shame and no I don't condone it. I that they could have said it differently and still gotten the same point across.
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Post by jenjie on Aug 9, 2014 16:49:13 GMT
A joke, if I may:
In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with. The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were. One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died. Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother went to the local pastor and offered vast sums of money if he would come to the funeral and say the appropriate words, AND, a large bonus, but ONLY if he would - during the course of the eulogy -refer to his brother as "a Saint." The pastor was troubled by the request, however, it was a very poor church and the church desperately needed repairs. The Parishioners had heard about the pastor's dilemma and were curious as to what he would do. The Funeral began, the church was packed, and the pastor started with the usual prayers and followed the rites and traditions as required by the churches teachings. In closing, after referring to the man in the box, he paused and turned to face the remaining brother. He began, "As you all know, the departed was an awful individual who robbed, cheated, swindled and stole from everyone he ever did business with. However, compared to his Brother, he was - "a Saint!"
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,955
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Aug 9, 2014 16:53:53 GMT
That is definitely an odd one. I think I'll sit down and write my own. Just to be on the "safe" side.
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Post by scrappinmom3 on Aug 9, 2014 17:50:45 GMT
Hmmm. My take is that the kids are looking for their own forgiveness.
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Post by irisheyes on Aug 9, 2014 18:40:52 GMT
It sounds like they are trying to come to terms with who their dad was - trying to understand what happened in his past to make him the way he was, and trying to help others understand why he may have acted the way he did and offer a public apology to anyone he may have offended. I think the obituary tries to do a lot of things that an obituary was never intended to do. Hopefully it helps them heal and opens doors that were closed to them with other people because of their father's behavior.
I won't judge because I also have a crappy dad and have no idea how I'll react when he dies.
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Post by sisterbdsq on Aug 9, 2014 19:00:43 GMT
IMO, that family is worse than their father was. I sincerely hope their mother is deceased and didn't have to read that. I would be horrified that my children would air such dirty laundry in such a classless way. While I feel for them as many families have a terrible human in it, that was over the top inappropriate and I don't think I could look them in the face at the store or wherever I might see them for fear of calling someone a shitheel.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Aug 9, 2014 19:31:04 GMT
Why is this one any different than the one the kids wrote for Martha Stewart's sister? I get that one was very negative and one was very positive but in my opinion both families over shared.
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Aug 9, 2014 19:39:38 GMT
Why is this one any different than the one the kids wrote for Martha Stewart's sister? I get that one was very negative and one was very positive but in my opinion both families over shared. It isn't, really. Both of them share too much for my liking. Some rambling thoughts, though...if you doesn't say this stuff in an obituary, when can you? It sounds like they have a whole lifetime of hurt to get over. Maybe this is a way for them to try and move forward and re-build relationships. I dunno. I guess I try to give people a pass when they've suffered a bereavement.
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Post by Native New Yorker on Aug 9, 2014 19:43:13 GMT
Wow. There are no words...
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