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Post by Sandie on Aug 10, 2014 16:59:44 GMT
I read this in the morning paper and I agree with it up until the second paragraph: news.yahoo.com/overweight-womans-bikini-top-gets-harsh-review-mom-050007835.html"You are not wrong for wanting to be comfortable. But please remember that when you visit someone else's home, that person's wishes take precedence -- even if it used to be your childhood home. While you say you are comfortable in your own skin, it would be interesting to know what your physician thinks about your obesity. I suspect that your mother would be prouder of you if you were less complacent and more willing to do something about your weight problem." I feel that the second paragraph is uncalled for and quite harsh. The original letter did not ask for advice about a weight problem, and she does not know the relationship between the girl and her mother to make any mention of "pride", or if the girl works out so she is comfortable in her own skin. IMO, it is rather harsh and comes off a little like fat shaming, with Dear Abby giving very blunt, rather harshly worded, advice about a problem she was not being asked to advise, writing in a way that would only make the original letter writer feel awkward and/or embarassed. Just wondering what others thought?
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,955
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Aug 10, 2014 17:33:53 GMT
I think it's an asshole response. There was a time in my life where I was even more overweight than that, and while I personally never donned a bikini, I say go for it (assuming it's the right size). It wasn't until I was ready to shed the pounds that it actually worked. All the "friends" and family telling me I needed to do it for my health just made me feel worse. And what did I do when I felt bad? I ate.
Whoever is behind that pen gives crappy advice, in my opinion.
ETA: it's pretty big leap to assume a parents pride is tied to their child's weight.
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Post by disneypal on Aug 10, 2014 17:34:58 GMT
That is a bit shocking. I agree with her response in the first paragraph but why did she feel the need to tell the girl...hey you big butt, just lose weight and it won't be a problem.
The girl's mom may not have a problem with her daughter's weight. She may have a a problem with her lack of modesty, who knows??
The second paragraph was uncalled for.
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Post by jackie on Aug 10, 2014 17:39:47 GMT
She's not even wearing a bikini--it's a bikini top and shorts. And it's around friends. If you're overweight, people know it. Anyone who is overweight is going to be showing a certain amount of skin/fat in a bathing suit, no matter which one they choose. That she can't be allowed to be comfortable in her own choice of bathing suit is very sad. I think it's the last sentence of the "advice" that gets me the most. I agree...asshole.
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smginaz Suzy
Pearl Clutcher
Je suis desole.
Posts: 2,606
Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Aug 10, 2014 17:40:39 GMT
Honestly, I have not been able to read Dear Abby since Abby passed away and the column was taken over by others (her daughter, maybe?) It is clearly (to me) written so differently and there is so much more judgement, I just stopped reading it. I like direct, specific advice (thanks Amy Dickinson and Carolyn Hax) without the condescension.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 8, 2024 18:25:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2014 17:48:28 GMT
The first paragraph should have been the whole response.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 8, 2024 18:25:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2014 18:18:35 GMT
Further proof that anyone and everyone thinks they have the right to comment on other peoples weight.
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Post by theboydbunch on Aug 10, 2014 18:26:31 GMT
Further proof that anyone and everyone thinks they have the right to comment on other peoples weight. I agree
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tracylynn
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,899
Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on Aug 10, 2014 18:37:13 GMT
Agree - the second paragraph should have been left off. And I agree with the above poster who said it's just further proof that it's still OK to talk about someones weight. I guarantee you, the person who's overweight KNOWS they're overweight! It's not a big secret!
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Post by bluepoprocks on Aug 10, 2014 18:53:54 GMT
I can't believe she said that! It was totally uncalled for. If the mom's pride in her daughter really is based on her weight that would make her a pretty crappy mom anyhow.
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Post by librarylady on Aug 10, 2014 19:01:05 GMT
The first paragraph should have been the whole response.
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phdscrap
Junior Member
Posts: 60
Jun 26, 2014 16:14:58 GMT
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Post by phdscrap on Aug 10, 2014 19:35:39 GMT
Well I must be an outlier since I think the first paragraph is a bit harsh. It is true you should defer to your host's wishes about whether to wear shoes in their house, what and where to eat, ect. you shouldn't have to defer to their wishes about what you are wearing. It was a bathing suit in a pool. And it doesn't sound like it was particularly revealing. Why in the world should any host (and particularly your mom in your childhood home) have a say on what type of bathing suit you wear?
The second paragraph is equally insulting.
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Post by auntkelly on Aug 10, 2014 19:50:29 GMT
I think the second paragraph is bad and Abbey would be rolling in her grave if she read it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 8, 2024 18:25:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2014 19:54:46 GMT
Well I must be an outlier since I think the first paragraph is a bit harsh. It is true you should defer to your host's wishes about whether to wear shoes in their house, what and where to eat, ect. you shouldn't have to defer to their wishes about what you are wearing. It was a bathing suit in a pool. And it doesn't sound like it was particularly revealing. Why in the world should any host (and particularly your mom in your childhood home) have a say on what type of bathing suit you wear? The second paragraph is equally insulting. We assume it was in the pool. However, after re-reading it, I wonder if the "girl" was dressing for the pool several hours before getting in and mom wasn't wanting to look at her in her pool attire at the lunch table but the writer felt since it was shorts it would be ok around the house beyond just pool side activities... I dunno. Too much left out of the original letter.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 8, 2024 18:25:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2014 19:59:12 GMT
Seems to me a bit odd she wears a one piece in public so she doesn't attract attention but wants to wear the two piece because it "properly accentuates" her curves at home. Makes me feel like there might be just a bit more going on in the argument than bathsuit in the pool issues.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Aug 10, 2014 20:03:50 GMT
I can't believe she said that! It was totally uncalled for. If the mom's pride in her daughter really is based on her weight that would make her a pretty crappy mom anyhow. Exactly.
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Post by Skypea on Aug 10, 2014 20:17:02 GMT
don't blame Abby - she's been dead for some time now...
anyone who is 50-70 lbs overweight ain't gonna have their 'curves' properly accentuated in a bikini top. Sounds more like that's the problem - and this 'girl' is showing too much of herself.
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scrapnnana
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,347
Jun 29, 2014 18:58:47 GMT
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Post by scrapnnana on Aug 10, 2014 21:49:35 GMT
anyone who is 50-70 lbs overweight ain't gonna have their 'curves' properly accentuated in a bikini top. Sounds more like that's the problem - and this 'girl' is showing too much of herself. That thought occurred to me, too, that perhaps her mom is mostly bothered by how much is showing, depending on how skimpy that bikini top is. I'm about 10 to 15 lbs. overweight, and the bikini tops I've seen wouldn't be sufficient for my curves. She said her mom was the only one who had a problem, but it's also possible that her other family members didn't feel they could honestly tell her how they felt, even if they were of the same opinion as the mom. I agreed with the first part of the response that essentially said guests should accept and follow the rules of the homeowner, even if that homeowner is your mom and you grew up in that home. However, I was shocked and appalled at the second paragraph in the "Dear Abby" response. That was uncalled for.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 8, 2024 18:25:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2014 22:15:37 GMT
The thing is say the woman had a DD or DDD size boobs, I doubt "Abby" would tell her to get a breast reduction.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 8, 2024 18:25:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2014 22:23:59 GMT
Honestly, I'm way more than 50-70 lbs overweight and while I don't go around in bikini tops and shorts, I do wear well fitting tanks and shorts. Does my fat show? Yes. Do I care much? No, not any more. I am fat and that fat is there no matter how much cloth covers it. I wear clothes that fit and leave a little room so the rolls aren't showing, but flabby arms and thick legs do show.
If you don't want to see it, don't look. I think, if you are comfortable and your parts are covered, it's no one else's business. I'm not here to offend, but I'm also not here to be censored in my dress or dieting habits. JMHO.
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Post by melanell on Aug 10, 2014 22:28:01 GMT
I think that the first paragraph sounded like Dear Abby answers used to sound, and it was fine on its own.
I used to like that Dear Abby responses could sound kind even when giving the sternest of advice.
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Post by lilacgal on Aug 10, 2014 22:29:08 GMT
I happened to read that this morning. I haven't read Dear Abby in years. I was shocked by that second paragraph. I had the "what a bitch" thought run through my head.
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Post by tampascrapper on Aug 10, 2014 22:32:38 GMT
Further proof that anyone and everyone thinks they have the right to comment on other peoples weight. I agree I agree with this and the other posters that said the response should have ended with the first paragraph.
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Post by moveablefeast on Aug 10, 2014 22:40:50 GMT
Being emotionally healthy and comfortable in your skin is not really the same thing as being physically healthy. It is good to be comfortable with your body no matter what size it is.
I am working to be more physically healthy - good diet, exercise. But that is not because I am unhappy in my body, it is because I want to be healthy.
Whether I should feel good in my own skin should not be up to other people, including my mother, my physician, or anyone else. If my mother was prouder of me when I was thinner then I really have nothing to say about that other than I'm sorry she would have felt my value comes from the tag in the back of my pants.
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Post by hollymolly on Aug 10, 2014 23:46:22 GMT
I was appalled when I read that this morning. I had noticed that I didn't really agree with the advice that is being given since Abby's daughter took over, but this is the first time I felt it was truly offensive. That second paragraph was completely uncalled for. I don't think I will read that column again.
I do love Carolyn Hax. Love. I don't get to read Amy Dickinson, but I like her when she's on Wait Wait Don't Tell Me on NPR.
Now I'm feeling the urge to be proactive and formally complain about the Dear Abby today.
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Post by BuckeyeSandy on Aug 10, 2014 23:58:06 GMT
Honestly, I have not been able to read Dear Abby since Abby passed away and the column was taken over by others (her daughter, maybe?) It is clearly (to me) written so differently and there is so much more judgement, I just stopped reading it. I like direct, specific advice (thanks Amy Dickinson and Carolyn Hax) without the condescension. Jeanne Phillips (She is the daughter of Pauline Phillips, who founded the 'Dear Abby' column) seems to have many issues, one of which is weight. I feel bad for whom ever reads that response and thinks it is directed at them.
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Post by sillyrabbit on Aug 10, 2014 23:59:28 GMT
Yeah...that was a terrible response. Dear Abby was way harsh.
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smginaz Suzy
Pearl Clutcher
Je suis desole.
Posts: 2,606
Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Aug 11, 2014 0:10:10 GMT
In the link from the OP, the advice to the second person is even more appalling. SMH.
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Post by melanell on Aug 11, 2014 0:19:33 GMT
I didn't even see the second letter the first time I clicked on the link. I am reminded why I no longer read the column.
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Post by Merge on Aug 11, 2014 0:28:41 GMT
Yeah, that second paragraph just confirmed that our society sees fat people as unlovable and unworthy.
But I've also thought for a while that the new Abby occasionally writes answers that she knows will be unpopular just to stir up publicity. In a week or two we'll see a "boy, I really missed the mark on that one" column with responses from readers calling her on the carpet for her insensitivity.
There's no such thing as bad publicity.
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