Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,769 
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Dec 2, 2016 14:47:44 GMT
I truly value not only the RP's opinion, but getting other opinions in general while processing things. If I don't provide details needed...sorry. I'm trying to be brief on a lifetime of this same type thing.
Backstory: My mother moved in with us several months ago. It is not a place I ever in a million years thought I would be, but she needed help and we chose to give it. It has gone much more smoothly than I expected. My mother is mentally ill AND has had a traumatic brain injury. Often her judgement is off. My sister is just drama.
1. My mother went to visit sister in another state. It has been a reoccurring thing that my mom makes no plans on where she is going to stay prior to going. We have harped and harped and harped at her about this. Every.single.time she says she has made the arrangements. About 50% of the time my sister (the person she stays with most frequently) has no idea she is staying at her house. We have explained 29808904890 times that it's incredibly rude and not acceptable. So when mom starts making plans, I give my sister as much of a head's up as I can but realistically I don't always know she is making plans at all. Case in point-other sister came for Thanksgiving and mom went home with her. Surprise to me!
Mom is currently at sister's. I talked to mom yesterday and asked when she is coming home. I was told previously that it would be next week sometime as sister will be traveling through our state and I will meet them about 2 hours away from where I live to get mom. I have again asked for plans to be shared so I can adjust my schedule. Mom says sister hasn't decided so I contact my sister. She basically says she doesn't really know. It depends on when her friend wants to leave. And what restaurants they want to stop at and and and.... Well, what day? They're not sure. OMFG. I can't just be on hold indefinitely. So she concedes to maybe Wed or Thur. Thursday I have three appointments, two of which are difficult to reschedule, so Wednesday works best for me. Can we set a day and time so I can plan on that? Well...it will depend on blah blah blah.
How about NO. How about you making a fucking plan. Here is my boundary: I can do Wednesday, not Thursday. This isn't a medical situation or something completely out of their control that they have negotiate. It's whether they want to eat at fucking Cracker Barrel or stop at the outlet mall. This particular time nobody else in my immediate family can help out. It would be unreasonable to use an option like Uber. I feel like my sister (and my mother but that's somewhat of a separate issue) is being incredibly rude.
2. My mother continuously invites extended family to come stay with us. 98% of the time I enjoy those visits. IF I KNOW ABOUT THEM! Most recently an aunt called to tell us she would be at our house in a couple hours to stay for the weekend and I was driving to a girls day out in a different city with my DDs. I love this aunt! I would love to visit with her and host her for the weekend. I was furious that my mother once again sprung this on me with no prior knowledge.
My mom and sister act like I have six heads when I explain that I really like to plan ahead. I like to know what is going on from day to day. They have told me I'm controlling and act like I'm being inhospitable. I would LOVE to have these visits. I don't think it's too much to ask that I have some notice so I can plan ahead a little bit or, I don't know, buy groceries and make sure we have enough toilet paper! My sister says no special accommodations need to be made for her. I don't go out of my way, but I like to KNOW what is happening. I would never just drop in for the weekend on anybody!
So am I being obnoxious? Controlling (since that is the word that was used)?
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,646
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Dec 2, 2016 14:50:17 GMT
I will totally validate you. Wanting basic logistic information is in no way controlling or obnoxious. I'm sorry.  |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 0:36:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2016 14:51:18 GMT
Not being obnoxious, and also like a heads up. Maybe it's time for your sister to take care of your mom for awhile?
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garcia5050
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,729
Location: So. Calif.
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Post by garcia5050 on Dec 2, 2016 14:56:32 GMT
You are being completely reasonable. Mom and sis are the ones who need to get a clue.
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Post by kelly316 on Dec 2, 2016 14:58:10 GMT
NOT AT ALL. On a previous thread that asked how long would it take to prepare for overnight guests, my answer was a lifetime! Soooo I may not be the best person to ask.  Side note: My favorite part of your post was "f-ing Cracker Barrell". |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 0:36:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2016 14:59:28 GMT
I don't think you're being obnoxious or controlling but at this point you know that this is how they operate and stressing yourself out only affects you. Let them get on with it and don't go to any trouble for them.
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,179
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
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Post by lesley on Dec 2, 2016 15:01:01 GMT
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think I would have to say that as they can't give you any advance notice, you can't drive for 2 hours to meet them, and they will just need to bring your mum all the way home. Hugs, I totally get your frustration.
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,769
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Dec 2, 2016 15:04:59 GMT
Maybe it's time for your sister to take care of your mom for awhile? As enticing as it may be, it would be disastrous for the entire family. They cannot get along for five minutes. SaveSave I don't think you're being obnoxious or controlling but at this point you know that this is how they operate and stressing yourself out only affects you. Let them get on with it and don't go to any trouble for them. I know this is right...just much harder to do. What with my control issues and all. lol I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think I would have to say that as they can't give you any advance notice, you can't drive for 2 hours to meet them, and they will just need to bring your mum all the way home. Hugs, I totally get your frustration. Then I will be hosting my sister and her friend who can't tell me when they're coming! It's a vicious circle. lol lol |
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Dec 2, 2016 15:11:00 GMT
Will also validate you! I am like you, I like to know what is going on. I would absolutely tell them that you have appts on Thursday so they'll need to drop Mom off at the house if they choose Thursday. Doesn't seem like you are going to change them, but I would set some boundaries.
As far as the guests...i'm not a fan of dropping in on people (or having them drop in on me.) I can't imagine overnight guests with no notice. I'd probably talk to Aunt and tell them you love having them, but please let you know that they are coming because Mom isn't good communicating it to you.
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,179
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
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Post by lesley on Dec 2, 2016 15:11:16 GMT
In that case, when they call at 2pm to say they will be at the meeting spot at 4pm I would respond that I won't be able to get there until 6pm - take it or leave it! I wouldn't knock myself out trying to accommodate them, when they can't help you.  |
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rodeomom
Pearl Clutcher
Refupee # 380 "I don't have to run fast, I just have to run faster than you."
Posts: 3,661
Location: Chickasaw Nation, Oklahoma
Jun 25, 2014 23:34:38 GMT
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Post by rodeomom on Dec 2, 2016 15:11:19 GMT
OMG that would drive me crazy!
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Dec 2, 2016 15:11:20 GMT
I totally understand where you are coming from.
You are going to have to figure out how you can handle the situation.
They aren't going to change, you will have to change your expectations, your reaction, or simply start saying NO.
I have a sister who is like this, her plans are always fluid and she gets irate if you don't fit into them.
Thanksgiving was like that this year. We fit in. But I told her that I needed a heads up and next year we would spend it with friends if she didn't make arrangements in advance. This year she circumvented me and had my niece invite my daughter, so I caved, and it was fine we have a great time with them but next year... I won't. I need to know in advance.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on Dec 2, 2016 15:21:30 GMT
My mother is mentally ill AND has had a traumatic brain injury. Often her judgement is off. I think that says it all right there. you're mother is not capable. What would you do if you had a kid that was incapable? Do that. |
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Post by epeanymous on Dec 2, 2016 15:22:12 GMT
I'll validate you. That is nuts. People can't just be on call for days on end so that someone can keep open their own options, or for their entire lives just in case a house guest drops by.
The latter part is a little easier, maybe. I assume your family members are aware of your mother's condition--I would contact all of them and tell them you love seeing and hosting them, but your mother doesn't remember to let you know about visits, so to please confirm any plans with you. The former part is a little harder. It sounds like your sister has figured out that all of the other options are even worse for you, so she can do whatever she wants. Which reflects poorly on her. A four-hour round-trip isn't something most of us want to (or can) do in someone else's whim. What would happen if you said, "since you can't decide, I will be there in December 6 at 6PM to pick up Mom" and stuck to that?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 0:36:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2016 15:23:21 GMT
You are not being obnoxious AT ALL!
If Wednesday is the day that will work for you, then stick to your guns. If your sister can't get her act together, she can let your mom stay with her a little longer. You have other responsibilities that require your attention. It's not like you're sitting around, waiting for the call so you can mobilize and come pick her up.
As for the extended family visits, could you let your aunt and others know that if your mom issues an invitation to let you know right away because she sometimes forgets to tell you? That you really hate to miss out on the visits, but without any knowledge you might have other plans that can't be changed?
I guess I don't see why your mom and sister just can't make plans and be done with it. Or why your mom can't give you a heads up about visiting family.
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,352
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Dec 2, 2016 15:32:24 GMT
Based on your OP, you are neither obnoxious nor controlling. Rather you appear to sacrifice your sanity/time/money/etc. to accommodate (seemingly selfish) family members.
My suggestion is to draw more boundaries, demand respect, make them accountable, & stop allowing their lack of planning/consideration to become your emergencies. Basically, you're going to have to teach them how to treat you. Begin with the following:
-Tell your mom that while welcome as a guest, she must ask before inviting others, into your home. If you feel she doesn't understand or cannot remember, offer to extend the invitations on her behalf. Your home is not a bed & breakfast at her or your other relatives' disposal.
-Tell your sister what day/time is convenient to meet her next week; if unable to commit to your offer to reduce her commute time, she can drive your mom the extra two hours to your house. Request that she call you at least 30 minutes (or whatever time period you prefer) in advance of their arrival. Communicate you will be unable to host your sister & friend for the night due to prior plans. Do not reschedule your appointments.
Best wishes...
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Post by melanell on Dec 2, 2016 15:35:41 GMT
OMG, that would drive me out of my mind. Hugs to you!
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Post by Linda on Dec 2, 2016 15:50:24 GMT
I'll validate you -that would drive me nuts
DH comes from a family that 'drops in' and makes last minute plans etc... I'm a planner. When we first got married, he explained to his family that I didn't cope well with unexpected visits and to please ALWAYS call first - I think he chalked it up to cultural differences, lol. It's mostly worked although his brother showed up out of the blue last week as we were getting ready to leave the house...
Since your mum isn't fully capable - I agree with those that have said to reach out to extended family and ask them to touch base with you when they make plans with mum.
As to sister - I would let her know that you're available on Wednesday between x and y time but not at all on Thursday to make that drive. If Wednesday doesn't work for them, then she'll have to drive mum all the way to your house at her convenience - does mum have a key? and unfortunately you won't be able host them overnight at this short notice due to other plans.
however I would probably expect to get stuck with sister and friend and plan accordingly just because you and I both know how that'll work
Good luck!
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Post by KelleeM on Dec 2, 2016 15:58:00 GMT
You're totally reasonable. I'd cut your mom some slack. Your sister...ugh. I'd want to strangle her.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,763
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Post by scrapngranny on Dec 2, 2016 16:05:10 GMT
I'm with you. I couldn't handle that BS. My guess is you are kind of stuck with situation with the dynamics the way they are. I feel your frustration and hope you can find a way to make them understand your feelings.
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Post by hop2 on Dec 2, 2016 16:12:05 GMT
You can't change them. Easier said than living with it though. Hard concept but it's a fact only they can change themselves-and they don't seem to want to
Just inform then BOTH in some sort of written media ( or multiple medium ) that you are not available Thursday and if Wednesday doesn't work they will have to make alternate arrangements themselves. Tell them firmly but politely. Don't answer your phone Thursday. Lol
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Post by beanbuddymom on Dec 2, 2016 16:12:51 GMT
I'd view the two people as separate - your mom I excuse because of her brain injury, so I give her a pass. I would therefore give everyone in the family and extended family a heads up that any decisions your mom makes that involve YOU that they give YOU a heads up before they trek over to your home. That's how I would handle your mother in that regard. Like I would if it were a child that was incapable or that should not be making decisions taht include me without checking first.
Secondly addressing your sister, no you are not crazy and you have every right to want to plan your day, stick to your guns with her! Let her know you can't just drop everything, hello, life? That if she expects you to meet her and drive 2 hours out of your way to meet up then she needs to make a plan. Period. As you said, f-ing boundaries!
I wish you luck. You are not crazy or inhospitable or controlling. That's what's called being responsible. (I hear you though, I have a sister that does shit like that - I could text her all day asking for help and she'd be all the next day saying I didn't see your text, but if she needs me she expects me to get back to her within 10 minutes or she's calling the house saying, hey I texted you, I need you to get back to me! So yeah, I get you!)
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 2, 2016 16:21:07 GMT
I validate you. I need to have plans in place. DH doesn't always get that.
But, you aren't going to change your mom. The other family members need to keep you informed. If you can get them to do so, that's probably the best you can get.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Dec 2, 2016 16:27:05 GMT
I think you're trying to control your sisters actions by making her make a plan but realistically you can't control her...she's an adult but you can control your own actions. Lay it out for them what you can do: "I can do Wed sister but I can't do Thurs...so if you want Thurs you will need to make arrangements to bring mom the whole way" stand your ground.
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Post by lucyg on Dec 2, 2016 16:37:16 GMT
You are right and they are wrong. However, you aren't going to win, anyway. I agree with the others who said to get in touch with your relatives about letting you know when mom invites them to visit. They must be aware of her limitations. Hopefully, they will cooperate. Your sister ... good luck with that. I would tell her flat out that you are not available on Thursday but you can be on call for Wednesday. And I guess you'd better just go buy groceries and toilet paper NOW and get it over with.  Good luck! |
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Post by not2peased on Dec 2, 2016 16:40:03 GMT
nope, you are fine! they are not fine |
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,539
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Post by MerryMom on Dec 2, 2016 17:49:34 GMT
Since your sister won't commit to a time or date, then my response? "If you don't commit to a date and time by tomorrow, then I will assume that you are going to bring Mom back to my house."
For the other extended family members? Why not let them know, "I love having visits with you, but with Mom's head injury, she has been making plans for company at our house, but then she doesn't tell me about it. So in the future, when mom invites you over, could you do me a big favor and please please please give me a phone call in advance as a head's up? Thanks I really appreciate it."
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Post by originalvanillabean on Dec 2, 2016 18:00:14 GMT
I totally understand where you are coming from. They aren't going to change, you will have to change your expectations, your reaction, or simply start saying NO. This! Not at all. Asking for communication is absolutely acceptable. |
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Post by ilikepink on Dec 2, 2016 18:04:02 GMT
It's not you, it's them. In fact, I would you say you need to more in control - and continue to be the responsible one. Agreeing with others - the folks that mom may invite over - let them know to confirm with you because mom isn't letting you know when she makes plans that involve you and your home. Boundaries, firm boundaries. Tell sister what works for you--and stick to it. Perhaps a few times of things not going how she expected will help her to see she is being immature and inconsiderate. Hugs--this has to be tough. Makes me glad I'm an only child! |
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Post by beebee on Dec 2, 2016 18:11:08 GMT
You are being reasonable. With that said though, my dad is the exact same way. He cannot make concrete plans. If we try to nail him down, his answer is always "we will see" or "I'm not sure yet". As the years have passed, I have realized that he can't help it. It is as much a part of his personality to NOT be nailed down as it is mine to have organized, specific plans.
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