momto4kiddos
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 17, 2014 13:50:30 GMT
I thought i'd throw this question out here to see what it means to you. What does it mean to "accept someone for who they are?"
I have a couple of thoughts on it... accept as in know how they are and accept that they are who they are. Or does it go further accepting mean accept and maybe embrace (i'm not really sure what word to use here?)
I'll give a couple examples that I can think of where you might use this statement. I feel like the perception of some of it gets sticky. If you had an alcoholic in your family, accepting them for who they are means what? I'd go along the lines of you accept the person as is, but at the same time if you don't approve of the alcohol maybe not enable, engage in it?
Another, accepting a spouse as they are...accept means just that accept that they are who they are. But does that mean if your dh tends to be lazy, it is who he is and you need to accept that too?
This was a recent conversation and I feel like the lines blur to easily and with someone that is manipulative, it could be used to manipulate also. One of those interesting things to ponder so I thought i'd get some more feedback to ponder.
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Post by Kelpea on Aug 17, 2014 13:58:05 GMT
Hmm. I guess it means literally that you need to accept the person as he/she truly is. Because you don't really have the right to change that person. Obviously if they are putting themselves in harm's way, or potentially putting someone else in danger, that might be different.
I mutter the Serenity Prayer when my husband "does" the dishes and I empty the utensil basket and find food on the damn forks, lol. But that's my deal, I guess, and not his.
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Judy26
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Jun 25, 2014 23:50:38 GMT
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Post by Judy26 on Aug 17, 2014 13:58:33 GMT
I think it's more about releasing yourself from the need to "fix" someone. After years of trying to make DH more aware of other people's opinions and feelings I chose to just accept who he is and get on with my life. I don't need to take responsibility for his choices and I no longer apologize to others when he says something or does something that makes others go WTF. Accepting that freed up a lot of space in my brain.
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 17, 2014 14:04:55 GMT
Let me tell you, I have someone in my life with whom I finally came to terms with, and it has been incredibly freeing. I knew this person would never change - it was who she is and it was never going to be different. My whole outlook toward her changed. And our relationship became much better.
Now, her behavior wasn't "toxic" or dangerous to herself or me. That would be different.
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Deleted
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Oct 9, 2024 16:23:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2014 14:14:34 GMT
I think that accepting someone for who they are is one thing, but making yourself be "acceptable" to live with the person the way they are is wrong IMO. For example, the alcoholic. He is the way he is, but that does not mean that the spouse has to "learn to live with it" therefore putting all of her wants and needs in a relationship away for a better day, that more than likely will never come.
I think that goes back to the deal breaker threads that we have talked about here. Some say they don't have deal breakers, but maybe if actually faced with alcoholism, cheating, laziness (not working) etc they may feel differently.
From experience I can tell that there is nothing lonelier that being married to someone that thinks everyone should accept him for the way he is. I didn't marry him this way and I feel like I have been duped, KWIM? So why should I have to continue to put off the things that I want, want to do, the things that I want to feel just because it does not coincide with the way he chooses to live his life.
I have got off on a tangent here, and maybe this would be better served in another thread, but anyway, I think you get my point.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 17, 2014 14:38:00 GMT
This has become a huge issue on my life right now. I feel that I am a pretty accepting person and I have many friends who are different ethnicities, have different views than I do, different religions, different social standings, different outlooks on life etc. I can get along well with many types of people. I have 3 best friends. Many other friends. I play nicely with my co workers. I am close to my family.
Only there is a person who was very close to me, they have 0 close relationships besides me and one online 'friend', and their relationship with their other family is seen as an obligation. They have decided that everything that I do is not to their liking and they tell me frequently, in a demeaning way or in a reprimanding way. When I complain they pull the 'you have to accept me for who I am card'. Well, no I do not. Quite frankly, I am not willing to extend my close and personal acceptance to include behavior that tears me, or even others down. Yet I am related to this person and they can not simply 'go away'. It is tiresome and draining to deal with them. It often leaves me in tears.
If people want to live that way and aren't breaking laws I can take a live an let live attitude, you know, in a distant way, in a societal way. So at a distance or in a societal way I can 'accept' them for who they are but I can not accept this behavior in those close to me. Because really, if they are not breaking laws I actually can not do anything about it in a societal way anyway, so ruminating over it will just give me insomnia or something. But in people whom I have to have relationships with I do not have to accept this because 'this is who they are'. No, I do not.
So that phrase is not on my happy list right now because it is being twisted around and used as a stick to torment me.
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Deleted
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Oct 9, 2024 16:23:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2014 14:58:56 GMT
I think it's more about releasing yourself from the need to "fix" someone. It is then up to you to decide how much interaction you want to have with that person.
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scrappinghappy
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Jun 26, 2014 19:30:06 GMT
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Post by scrappinghappy on Aug 17, 2014 15:06:52 GMT
I have come to embrace the "it is what it is" philosophy after a nice long chat with BFF. She helped me understand that no matter what you say or do, you can NEVER change someone else. This has really made a difference to me, reduced my stress levels when dealing with certain people, made some relationships more acceptable and helped me to let go of toxic ones. And toxic ones I can't let go of because they are family? I just say "It is what it is" over and over and over when I am dealing with that person.
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Post by moveablefeast on Aug 17, 2014 15:43:52 GMT
I think for me at this stage of my life, it means that you can't change a person.
Sometimes it means I need to accept that a person is okay the way they are even if I would choose differently for them.
Sometimes it means I need to accept that a person isn't going to change and I can't influence that and it is NOT my responsibility.
It depends on the situation. I have a toxic person in my life right now and am about to sever that relationship. If I accept who she is, that just means that I can't change her and I'm accepting that I can't change her. It relieves me of my burden to try to do something that's not my job.
But over the years our family has had to learn to accept a variety of choices our loved ones have made, and maybe we don't always like all those choices but we love the people, and their choices aren't harmful to us and in that context accepting those loved ones as they are means that we don't try to force change on them because that's not right.
Accepting that a person is who a person is is step one, deciding what that means for our shared life is step two.
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Deleted
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Oct 9, 2024 16:23:15 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 17, 2014 15:53:15 GMT
To me it means I can view them in a realistic light. Not try to "fix" them but set appropriate boundaries of interaction so they don't have a prolonged/permanent negative impact on me.
If I know someone is an alcoholic it isn't up to me to monitor their drinking but at the same time I'm not going to go out clubbing with them. Sense I don't normally serve wine, beer or hard liquor at my home I'm not going to provide it when they are there.
The lazy husband is a different story because a spouse does impact me. I guess the question I'd have is didn't the lazyness get noticed while dating?
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eleezybeth
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Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Aug 17, 2014 15:57:48 GMT
For me, it is that I need to make the choice. If their behavior is not a positive in my life, then I must choose. I either accept it and deal with it or I move on. They are who they are and I am me. It is a two way discussion. If I accept who you are, then you must accept that you are not going to be in my circle and also accept those facts. I don't have to like you for you. I can choose to overlook somethings and value things about you more than the annoying ones, but accepting you is my choice and that's not always inline with me. Such is life! Nobody is wrong, nobody is right, we are just ourselves.
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sharlag
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Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Aug 17, 2014 15:58:22 GMT
I think it's a cop-out to use "accept me as I am" as a a defense for laziness in relationships, or addictions. But it can be very freeing to release yourself from frustrating expectations and efforts to change people. Many relationships in my life are trade-offs full of conflicting feelings. I imagine it's the same with most of us. One lesson in acceptance I'm currently dealing with is my oldest son wanting to cross dress, in his exploration of transgender male-to female expression. My parental expectations of how my children would live their lives is all disrupted! We all carry around these ideas of how our loved ones should be. With our children, it's especially powerful.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Aug 17, 2014 16:13:08 GMT
You can accept by believing that something is true or correct (he is an alcoholic; my husband is lazy, etc.)
You can accept by believing that something is usual and habitual (he always drinks; my husband never makes an effort around the house, etc.)
You can accept by tolerating, learn to live with, put up with, or make the best of towards someone or situation (although he us an alcoholic-he is still family, while my husband is lazy he is great with the kids, etc)
However, accepting does not always mean that you have given your seal of approval, condone or support the behavior or situation, or that if it was "your cross to bear" or if you had control of changing it that you would not do so.
We often boycott others (company's, places, individuals) that exhibit behaviors that go against our belief system but with family it's not always an easy thing to do!
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Post by chances on Aug 17, 2014 16:21:19 GMT
Wow. What a timely question! My fiancé (boyfriend?) are dealing with this as we decide whether to get married or not. We would both like to see some specific changes and the other person is willing to try and change. No one is pulling the "accept me as I am card" but it is hard to change even if you want to. I'm starting to think that people should accept each other, as is, or get rid of them.
I agree with the others that acceptance is not condoning or living with behavior that is negative.
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raindancer
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Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Aug 17, 2014 16:39:49 GMT
To me it is about determining if their behavior is a deal breaker for me. I have a friend who is never on time. Ever. Like an hour late at times. Or longer. But sometimes only 15 mins. So it leaves me in limbo. And it was driving me up the wall. To the point of feeling really cranky and upset with her all the time.
So I had to make a choice. Did her other qualities, the things I loved about her outweigh that for me? When I did spend time with her was it fulfilling to me, even if it was an hour later than planned? And once I decided that it was, I made a shift in my perspective. We would meet at a mall, and I would know that I had at least a few minutes to myself to go to the stores I needed to hit, and get a drink and just people watch. Or we would meet at a coffee shop and I would take my laptop, have my coffee surf the net and wait for her then she would get her coffee to go. And I would also not worry about it, if I left late, it's not like she would be there and if she was who cares if she has to wait for me for once?
We no longer live near each other, but I still love to see her when she visits. Even if I have to wait, I think she is worth it.
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chamadog
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Jul 5, 2014 19:09:25 GMT
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Post by chamadog on Aug 17, 2014 18:05:27 GMT
For me, accepting someone as they are has meant different things. Sometimes it has been releasing the need to "fix" someone, as others have said. Or rescue someone. Or keep fighting the fight to get what I want out of another person. I think there's great opportunity in accepting someone for who they are, because you get to make the choice about whether that person is someone you want in your life. If you do, you can start focusing on who they are and what they do as opposed to who they aren't and what they won't/can't do. If you don't want them in your life then you get to choose to rid yourself of, or distance yourself from, someone who causes you some form of unhappiness.
Ann
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 17, 2014 18:55:43 GMT
I thought i'd throw this question out here to see what it means to you. What does it mean to "accept someone for who they are?" I have a couple of thoughts on it... accept as in know how they are and accept that they are who they are. Or does it go further accepting mean accept and maybe embrace (i'm not really sure what word to use here?) I'll give a couple examples that I can think of where you might use this statement. I feel like the perception of some of it gets sticky. If you had an alcoholic in your family, accepting them for who they are means what? I'd go along the lines of you accept the person as is, but at the same time if you don't approve of the alcohol maybe not enable, engage in it? Another, accepting a spouse as they are...accept means just that accept that they are who they are. But does that mean if your dh tends to be lazy, it is who he is and you need to accept that too? This was a recent conversation and I feel like the lines blur to easily and with someone that is manipulative, it could be used to manipulate also. One of those interesting things to ponder so I thought i'd get some more feedback to ponder. Accepting who they are - Someone was born with a gross (meaning big) facial deformity, but is a good person. Which weighs more heavily on how you approach them, their appearance or their personality? A young girl belongs to a major religion, but is the only member in her school. Besides that, she is very kind, but her hair is always greasy and she's overweight. Do you make an extra effort to play with her if you are a young girl too, or do you approve of your daughter playing with her? There are things about each of us that define who we are on the surface. Can you get past the surface and find out who that person is on the inside? Can you accept who they are? If the outside is beautiful, but the inside is mean, or abusive, or destructive, which is more important to you? The radiant smile or the laughter behind someone's back after a little mean "fun"? We all do stupid, terrible things. Some learn from their mistakes and work to do better, and others make it a career to be nasty. How important is it to you that someone strives to be a good person? If someone takes up that bottle and lets down those who depend on them, is that acceptable? If they grow tired of their spouse and become inspired with someone new, are they allowed to "be happy" at the cost of their family's trust and security? When did accepting a person turn into accepting every choice they make? If the standard is that you accept all actions as OK, then you aren't making the decision to accept someone based on who they are on the inside.
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craftykitten
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Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on Aug 17, 2014 18:57:55 GMT
Wow, what a deep question. There are so many parts to it, and there have been some very thought-provoking answers.
I agree that it is a 'cop out' to use that phrase sometimes. Usually from someone who is doing something unpleasant/unpopular and is using it as a way to justify their actions. I don't think that's fair and I don't think that's right.
But I also agree that you can't change someone and you shouldn't expect them to change for you. The comment up thread about a couple getting married but they both want the other to make serious changes. Really?! If my BF said something like that to me, I think I'd tell him to take a running jump. You can't go into a relationship expecting change from the other person. You can talk about the problem, you can support them if THEY want to make a change, but you can't demand anything.
Ultimately, I suppose it depends on your relationship with the person and the thing that's a problem. And you can't fix anyone, you can only take care of yourself. Sometimes that means walking away from a person or situation, too.
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Post by tuva42 on Aug 17, 2014 19:00:33 GMT
I was just thinking about this today. When you have someone in your life who is not happy with their life, but finds every excuse in the book to avoid making changes, its frustrating. But I have to accept that person for who they are and then decide how much contact I want to have with them.
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Post by PEArfect on Aug 17, 2014 19:13:43 GMT
Accepting someone for who they are means accepting that you can't change their behavoirs. They have to want to change for themselves, not for you.
My dad is an alcoholic. I'm to the point now where I don't want to interact with him at all, which makes me sad. I love my dad. He's a great dad when he's not under the influence. Don't get me wrong, he's not violent. He just forgets every conversation you had with him. He argues about everything, so why bother? He falls asleep (passes out), sometimes mid-coversation. I don't want my daughters to see that side of him. This has been on my mind a lot.
When he was caring for my mom he quit. The one and only silver lining of my mom suffering with her ALS. I got my dad back. The day she was put in full care facility he started drinking again. His mom and one of his brothers encouraged him. They even brought him more, because 'he needed the release.' After my mom passed away he consumed even more. After my husband passed away I had hoped he would stop to be supportive to me and my daughters, nope. This is where we're at now. When he talks to us on the phone he guilts me and MY GIRLS about how long it's been since the last time we talked to him. Then he goes on to tell us about his day. Never asks how they are doing, or about school, nothing. Makes me sad.
I have accepted his alcoholism, but I don't have to be a witness to it.
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Post by leftturnonly on Aug 17, 2014 19:22:09 GMT
I have accepted his alcoholism, but I don't have to be a witness to it. I think that's a great way to phrase it.
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Post by cropaholicnora on Aug 17, 2014 19:47:21 GMT
There's a lot to think about in this thread. I start with a basic acceptance of everyone for who they are, their quirks, positive traits, negative traits, and overall personality. I give myself permission to simply witness who they are without making a judgment. That's just the first layer of the process of interacting with others though. The next layer is looking at their behavior/choices. How do they treat others/themselves? Do they choose to make a positive impact, trudge through life, or do they kick puppies? It is this layer that gives people problems. It's relatively easy to accept people for who they are. It is a lot harder to accept many of the choices they make with their lives, especially when those choices impact others or trip our own personal triggers.
The common culture seems to want us to believe that if we accept someone for who they are, we won't judge their choices. IMO, that's ridiculous. I don't think we all need blanket permission to judge people, but we DO need to evaluate the choices of the people around us for our own health and wellness. I'm not going to hang out with people who are making risky choices because that could negatively impact myself and my family. I'm going to choose to spend time with people who bring positive energy into my life. If I can be uplifting to someone, I'm going to make that choice too.
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Post by cropaholicnora on Aug 17, 2014 19:55:24 GMT
Only there is a person who was very close to me, they have 0 close relationships besides me and one online 'friend', and their relationship with their other family is seen as an obligation. They have decided that everything that I do is not to their liking and they tell me frequently, in a demeaning way or in a reprimanding way. When I complain they pull the 'you have to accept me for who I am card'. Well, no I do not. Quite frankly, I am not willing to extend my close and personal acceptance to include behavior that tears me, or even others down. Yet I am related to this person and they can not simply 'go away'. It is tiresome and draining to deal with them. It often leaves me in tears.
So that phrase is not on my happy list right now because it is being twisted around and used as a stick to torment me. That kind of manipulative behavior makes me really angry. I try to deal with people like that by setting a firm boundary and reinforcing my personal space/rights by saying something along the lines of, "I do accept who you are, but I do not accept any behavior that allows you to be hurtful or demeaning to me." Then when they try to justify their behavior, rinse and repeat. "I understand who you are, but that does not give you the right to be disrespectful." Continue to set that boundary and repeat that while they are acceptable, their behavior is NOT until they get tired of fighting that battle with you and go way. You might feel silly or frustrating repeating the same thing over and over, but it does work. Eventually they see that you won't be drawn into their little game and they leave you alone. That is the best tool I learned from my years in therapy.
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Post by hollymolly on Aug 17, 2014 20:00:32 GMT
Accepting her for who she is does not mean allowing her to abuse you. You can accept that she has poor social skills and is a manipulative and abusive person. You have the power to keep that from affecting you. When she criticizes you, that is on her, not you. Tell her "thank you for your input" and then walk away, or just ignore her unless she says something that isn't nasty. Only respond to comments that warrant a response. If she questions you, well, you don't respond to that kind of behavior, and she has to accept you for who you are. To answer the OP: accepting means acknowledging to yourself what a person can and can't change about themselves and what they are and are not willing to change about themselves. The only thing you can control is your half of the relationship. If you can't live with who they are (an alcoholic, etc) then you pull away from the relationship as best you can. If it's a marriage, well then there is a commitment, so I would see a counselor before ending things, because maybe each of you have gotten a little out of touch with who you really are and who your spouse really is. I know I have truly believed things about myself that over time I learned were absolutely not who I was at all. momto4kiddos: I don't know anything about your husband or your marriage, but I do cringe at the word lazy. I've found that clinical depression can look a lot like laziness, even when, no especially when, the person doesn't seem down or sad at all. It's a personal thing for me, as it is by far my most prominent symptom. I'm not saying true laziness doesn't exist, I'm just saying if the laziness is new and getting worse, it could be depression. chances: Think hard about any red flags from him that you may have been ignoring. They're probably there. Please don't go into a marriage with either of you needing the other to change. It's ok to have things about your partner that you might prefer to be different. Marriage is compromise and no one is going to be your ideal. But if you don't think you can spend the rest of your life with him exactly as he is right now, and he doesn't feel the same way about you, then he's not the one. Even if you both said yes to the previous sentence, if you aren't willing to accept that each of you will change naturally over time, and if either of you don't think you can adjust as that happens, then don't get married. Whatever the case, don't go any farther in this relationship without some pre-marital counseling, whether you are engaged or not.
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Post by lindah on Aug 17, 2014 20:06:32 GMT
I think it means that you cannot change who & what the other person is. However, you do not have to embrace that person, become their BFF, if you do not accept their core values or you do not like who or what they are. Now, if this person is your SO, or a close relative, it gets more difficult, but still you do not have to closely associate with that person.
Accept who they are is similar to tolerance. I tolerate some people, but do not want to have a close relationship with them.
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artbabe
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Jun 26, 2014 1:59:10 GMT
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Post by artbabe on Aug 17, 2014 20:25:09 GMT
To me it is about determining if their behavior is a deal breaker for me. I have a friend who is never on time. Ever. Like an hour late at times. Or longer. But sometimes only 15 mins. So it leaves me in limbo. And it was driving me up the wall. To the point of feeling really cranky and upset with her all the time. So I had to make a choice. Did her other qualities, the things I loved about her outweigh that for me? When I did spend time with her was it fulfilling to me, even if it was an hour later than planned? And once I decided that it was, I made a shift in my perspective. I am dating someone like that right now and struggling with this. Usually the reason it bothers me is that I can't wait to see him because he is so fun. So I'm trying to get myself into this mode that he is who he is so I need to accept it, adjust my expectations and carry on.
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Post by librarylady on Aug 17, 2014 20:56:23 GMT
I think it's more about releasing yourself from the need to "fix" someone. Yes, that.......
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PaperAngel
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Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Aug 17, 2014 21:53:37 GMT
For me "accepting people for who they are" means taking the time to listen, learn, & respect the perspective/opinions/existence of each individual. Acceptance ideally lacks being judgmental, but does not equal approval.
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Post by candleangie on Aug 17, 2014 22:14:16 GMT
Ok, I didn't read the other responses yet...
To me, it means that you aren't trying to change them, or push your ideas of how their life should be. You accept that they are who they are, as they are, where they are. At that point you have a decision to make (sometimes several) good or bad, about the place they have in your life and the place you have in theirs.
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Post by Aheartfeltcard on Aug 17, 2014 22:33:24 GMT
Accepting someone for who they are means not trying to change the person or expecting something different from them.
My mother has always been a private person and very protective of her belongings , even to her children. I always thought it was odd, but I accepted it. When she got very sick and was reaching the end of life she was in a rehabilitation center. My sister wanted to ask my mother if she could sleep at my mom's place , I warned her prior that my mother has not changed and my mother would say no. My sister asked her anyway , got mad and went into a fit of rage . I could not believe my sister and the things she said . My mother died 5 days later and I don't talk to my sister now. I mean , I understand as this was my mom too, but it was how my mother was. I accepted it and loved and respected her. I feel my sister did not.
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