Vent - More Mother than Wife

I do think his anti-depressant needs adjusting, but I don't think it caused his earlier mistake with his meds or his most recent delay in taking them. I honestly think he got up, got involved with a game, and lost track of time. He should have set an alarm when he sat down in front of the computer, something I've been working with him to do to avoid this and other issues, but he chose not to do so. That's why I was so mad with him - I feel like he made a choice NOT to do something he knows he HAS to do - and he made this choice AFTER he promised me he would take care of himself.

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with chronic illnesses and the life altering changes they bring. I know he often feels trapped by the slowly tightening list of things he can and can't do; I hate that you are also having to experience this. I hope those who are around you are kinder and more gracious than I feel like I am. 

Marcy

He uses an app to track his blood sugar and blood pressure, but I still require a photo of his monitor and bp cuff. He would have no problem whatsoever lying to me about what his readings were if telling me the truth meant that he was going to get fussed at or restrict his diet even more. Sad truth, but a fact I learned to live with a long time ago.

I usually have him set a timer for 10 minutes after he takes his morning readings so he won't zone out in front of the computer and be late to work. We've done it long enough now that it should be part of his longer term memory. This is one of the reasons why I got so angry with him over the 3+ hour delay last Saturday. He chose not to set a timer and he lost track of time. It was a choice. He has a series of reminders in his calendar for his day to day activities, like taking out the trash and checking his call back list. I will check out the app store to see if I can find anything there that might work better. Do you have any recommendations?

I've decided that if he does something dumb and ends up in the hospital, I'm going to restrict his access to me. When he had his stroke, it was the first time he'd been in a hospital since he had his tonsils out at age 6. I hardly left his side the whole time and I made sure everything went smoothly with as little stress on him as possible. He was able to see that having me there beside him made his stay much more bearable. I've told him in the past few days that I won't do that if he has to go as a result of his own bad choices. Both of the kids have also told him that they will follow my lead, so he knows he's dependent on my goodwill. 

Marcy

Thank you for the hugs!

I do believe that he is depressed and his anti-depressant meds aren't working. Before he became ill, he was really independent and had a hard time asking for help. Business-wise, we are a great team; he handles the client interactions and I chase money. As long as we stay out of each other's way, we've always worked well together.

After his stroke, I tried to back off overseeing everything. I thought we were doing pretty good, then his blood work showed that his kidney function had plummeted - it had dropped as much in 5 months as they had expected it to drop in the next 3 years or so. Turned out he had mixed up his meds - he didn't believe me until I pointed out that he had been taking 1 med for over 100 days, yet the bottle of 100 still had more than 60 pills left in it. I redid where the meds were stored and set up a series of containers so he knew to take what and which containers to take with him so he'd have his pills for the day. We sit down every Sunday night and do the meds together and go over what he took when. I realized at this time that the reason his diabetes meds weren't very effective was because he wasn't taking them correctly. It's amazing how much better they worked when he took them as prescribed.

I did go speak with a therapist last year about the toll the stress was taking on me. I have had chronic insomnia for years, but it had gotten so bad I was having panic attacks as soon as DH went to bed. Some nights I'd prowl the hall to make sure he was breathing. The panic attacks were triggering my asthma, which made it hard for me to move around as much as I needed to. I was putting weight back on, which made so ashamed.

When my DD came home from China for New Year's, she put up a fit for me to come see her before she came back home for good. She told me point blank that I looked bad and she wanted me to come over and relax. My mom agreed to come stay with DH while I went, our finances had improved, and DH agreed that I needed a break. I went to see my primary to get my Xanax prescription filled, and he asked me to go see a therapist before I went. I did, and she agreed not only to refill my travel prescription, but to give me a longer term one. She said if I could handle all of that on 30 Xanax every 90 days, good. If not, I should go back and we'd look at something to help with the anxiety. She did tell me that she thought, for the amount that I had on my plate at the time, my anxiety wasn't misplaced or out of control. LOL That probably helped more than the Xanax.

I hadn't considered anything like  a caretakers' support group because I had never thought of myself as a caretaker. I think of that as someone who is taking care of someone who is critically or terminally ill, not as someone who is 'looking out' for their spouse. When I'm not having a pity party for myself, that's what I think I actually do.

Marcy

I'm so sorry for what you and your husband have gone thru and are still going thru.

I've always been the one to look at things long term in our relationship and I've ben so focused on the finances, I hadn't thought about the care taking until I started this thread. Some days DH does so well, I can see us doing ok for the next 10 years. Other days, I'm afraid we'll be on dialysis next year and that is going to be rough, especially since he is so needle phobic.

We will see his kidney dr in 2 months and he is planning changing DH's meds at that time, if his bp continues to respond to the new medication DH started on after the last visit.

Marcy

I go with him to every dr's appointment. There is no way he would actually hear what the dr said if I didn't. He might hear with his ears, but he wouldn't hear with his brain, kwim? He not only has a memory problem, he has selective hearing that predates the stroke by decades. The drs are aware that DH is having memory problems and they are also aware that he will suddenly stop taking his meds if not tracked. They've told me that this isn't uncommon among people who have chronic diseases or mental illness; apparently, folks get feeling better and then decide the don't need so many meds.

I do think he likes the attention. In order to get him to actually think about what he is doing, I have to make the consequences something he is so afraid of, he won't risk it. Currently, that read is that he'll pass out and have to go to the hospital and I won't go with him. I've told him if he does something that knocks him out and I have to call 911, I'm going to make sure they have his wallet so he can call Uber to get home. Would I do it? Maybe. If he dicks around and gives himself low blood sugar after all the precautions I've set in place, I'd be awfully tempted.

I spend a lot of time being his cheerleader for the good things in his life. When he walks 15 hall laps without stopping, when he works extra hours, when he takes the trash out with only his phone alarm to remind him, I go wild. LOL If anyone saw me, they'd think I'd lost my mind. DH is a praise junkie, though, so I try to keep him fed.  When he doesn't do what he should, like take his pills not more than 30 minutes before we're ready to eat, I try to keep it low key and not give him any special attention. It's hard, though, when I want to scream and yell about how he KNOWS not to take the pills before we get to the restaurant and find if there's a wait.

I do think that DH knows how much stress he creates for me. Sometimes I get the feeling like he thinks I deserve it, like it's payback for the stress in his life. He's someone who believes in payback, but not the in-your-face payback.  A good thing about having my mom visit as often as she does (besides just the joy of having her visit) is that she and DH get along really well. When she says to him that she thinks I'm really stressed, he seems to look at me differently than if I or one of my kids pointed out my stress level.  

Sometimes I think DH thinks my stress is all mental. LOL The way he sees it, he's working pretty regularly, our bills are paid, we have some savings, DD is almost done with college, and my mom is alive and healthy. What do I have to be stressed about? Like I've said before, I'm the one who looks at things long term. like the bills for 2 months ahead.

Marcy