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Post by dazeepetals on Apr 17, 2017 18:16:19 GMT
We lost my mother (my last parent) in early November after a year long battle with brain cancer. My parents divorced when I was around 9 years of age and she remarried when I was around 11 years old. My Step-father (I'll call him Bruce) has been in my life since then. We've had a up and down relationship all my life, mainly due to his alcoholism, bi-polar disorder, and cheating on my mother. Over the past 2-3 years I've learned to forgive him and our relationship has been quite strong. My DS(3) calls him PaPa and we've always made an effort to have him in our family. After my mother's death, I expressed to him that I still want him in my life due to our relationship and he countered back with the same, mainly because I was the last link to my mother.
He came down here last month to visit following the birth of my DD. While I was driving him home from the airport he started talking about a lady friend. I wasn't going to push the issue but he continued to talk about it to me. Right before he officially told me he was dating her, I got a call from my vet that my sick dog was dying on the operating table. That ended the conversation as I was gutted. During his stay, he was constantly on his phone texting someone, sending photos and videos, etc. When I casually asked him about it, he started telling me about "Maggie". Basically, he started online dating about 2 months (maybe even less) after my mother passed.... He told me that when he told my brother over dinner the week prior that my brother told him he wasn't sure what to think about it and Bruce didn't understand why my brother would say this. I tried to explain to him that perhaps my brother was just having a difficult time with it and that everyone has a different idea on when they believe it's appropriate to move on after someone dies/divorces/etc. He spend the remaining part of the week texting "Maggie", telling me about how she helped him pick out an RV to purchase, and their planned trip to Canada in the next few months.
Yesterday, I sent him a text message with a picture of my family (DH, DS, DD, and I) saying Happy Easter. He replies back with this big long text about how he spent the day with family (he has no family in the state he lives in FYI) and attached a selfie of "Maggie" and him. I'm just not sure what to say/think. It feels sorta like pouring a bit of salt on a wound that isn't healed yet. My mother has been gone 5 months! If my DH was to die, I'm not sure when or even IF I'd be able to start dating someone. I mentioned this to my DH and some friends over dinner one night and all the guys commented that guys tend to jump back into relationships sooner because they just need to be with someone.
I guess what I'm asking for advice on is how to deal with this. I love my step-father and want him in my life. I want to be happy for him that he's happy, but it just feels so wrong. I feel like supporting this is stabbing the memory of my mother in the back. She was my best friend, and I'm no where close to being okay with her being gone. Every holiday is torture knowing that I won't hear her voice and that I have no one left.
Sorry this got so long. I've never been one to be brief in words.
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
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Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Apr 17, 2017 18:23:50 GMT
Grief is complicated and everyone deals in their own way. I myself have not remarried or dated and its been 5 years since I lost my husband. My grandfather remarried a year to the day after losing my grandmother. It pissed his kids off to no end and at the time I didn't understand it, but now I do. He is very happy and she has NOT replaced my grandma. I know plenty of women who have been widowed and have dated quickly and even married quicker than their families were prepared for.
For you it is too early, for him it is not. He is not replacing your mom. She cannot be replaced. But you can't expect him to grieve on your timeline any more than he can expect you to grieve on his. Maybe you need to tell him that it still hurts for him to talk about his relationship with this woman right now and you need some time to adjust. You understand he feels the need to move on, but you need more time to adjust to that timeline.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Many many hugs to you.
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Post by Linda on Apr 17, 2017 18:28:59 GMT
((((Hugs))))
some people don't do well alone - they really want to be part of a couple. Plus it's possible that Bruce did some of his grieving for your mum before she died, during that year-long battle. Grief is a different journey for everyone.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. Prayers for you as you continue to grieve and face her widower moving on.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
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Jul 24, 2014 19:51:57 GMT
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Post by MerryMom on Apr 17, 2017 18:33:22 GMT
We've had a up and down relationship all my life, mainly due to his alcoholism, bi-polar disorder, and cheating on my mother.
If he is still a drinker and he hasn't managed his bi-polar disorder, then his actions are quite honestly in keeping with his issues.
I am sure this is so hurtful to you, but you cannot manage someone else's behavior or how someone reacts to grief or loss. I do, however, think it is perfectly within your prerogative to say to him in person or by telephone (no texts, social media posting!!) that while you do want him to be happy, find happiness, etc. and that you are sure "Maggie" is a lovely person, that at this point in your own grieving, it is difficult for you to hear about Maggie and that you hope he will be sensitive to your loss and feelings, etc.
If he brings Maggie up again, then rinse and repeat within a few sentences of her coming up in the conversation.
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luckyexwife
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Posts: 3,067
Jun 25, 2014 21:21:08 GMT
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Post by luckyexwife on Apr 17, 2017 18:34:18 GMT
It's still upsetting to me to talk about, but I totally validate your feelings.
The time that it really hit me, and help me understand what my dad was going through a little bit, was when I called his phone and the lady he was dating answered. At first I was really upset, but I didn't say anything or let her know I was upset, I just politely made small talk and then asked to talk to my dad. Turns out he had some kind of stomach bug, and she was taking care of him. It really hit me that my dad deserve to be happy and to be with someone who would take care of him when he was sick.
Good luck to you, the grief process is no fun at all. Everyone Grieves in their own way, and on their own timeline.
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Apr 17, 2017 18:35:23 GMT
I am very sorry for the loss of your Mother. I know this must hard.
But I agree with the above post that grief is very complicated. Grief can look like two totally different things to two different people and it is on it's own timeline. Grief doesn't necessarily start with a loved one dies, it can start when the spouse finds out there is a terminal diagnosis or during treatment. There is a sense of loss that is already present.
I know this must be so difficult, but try to be happy for him the best you can be right now that he found someone to be by his side. I agree that men maybe just move on faster, not because they want to replace the person they lost, but because they do not want to be alone.
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melissa
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Posts: 3,912
Jun 25, 2014 20:45:00 GMT
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Post by melissa on Apr 17, 2017 18:38:55 GMT
My father was dating in probably less than 6 weeks after my mom died. It might have been only a month. She died in May and he was dating by the end of June that year. One of the hardest things for me to do was listen to him. I really did not want to know and did not want to hear. It was WAY too early for me. But the truth is that my dad did not have friends to talk to and those that he did were like him, married for a very long time. My parents, despite all the fighting and differences over the years, stayed together for over 40 years. My parents were in the process of selling their home when my mom died (she never really wanted to move and she got her own way in the end!! ![:D](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/grin.png) ) So, right after mom died, the house sold. My dad was also diagnosed with bladder cancer 2 weeks after her death. Fun times for me. My sister was on strict bedrest after losing her first pregnancy at 22 weeks and my brother does not live as close as we do. So, I dealt with everything, including moving him into his new home in a 55+ community. The widow who sold us his new home told me something important. She said do not be upset or surprised when you father starts to date quickly. He will probably end up in a relationship again sooner rather than later. She explained that I should think of this not as a negative reflection on my mom, but a positive one. He is not looking to replace her because that isn't possible. It's a reflection of what they had together and he is looking for something like that again. She also said, and I'm not sure I agree, that this is much more common with men. That women can handle being alone and independent much more than a man who had a long term relationship.
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valleyview
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Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Apr 17, 2017 18:40:01 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
When my mother died, it was quite sudden. My father came home from the funeral and told us that her death had cut his life expectancy in half. We ignored that as a statement of shock instead of an actual worry that he had.
Turns out, he could not handle living alone. He had no kitchen skills, and he pretty much refused to take care of himself. Your stepdad may be like that, and he had your mom's illness to convince himself that he couldn't make it on his own. I'm sorry for that.
Good luck as you navigate this new path. Sadly, it will probably be up to any future girlfriends to define his role in your life. Be patient, and remember none of this reflects poorly on your mom or you. As said upthread, we all grieve differently.
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Post by annabella on Apr 17, 2017 18:41:04 GMT
Men can't be alone, and those that were in a long happy marriage, need to replace that void immediately. I know this hurts for you, but if you reject him he'll just start avoiding you, then you lose your step father. I think his behavior is normal unfortunately.
I am very sorry for the loss of your Mother. I know this must hard so I would gently tell him it's too soon for you to hear about Maggie, but you still want him in your life.
"His alcoholism, bi-polar disorder, and cheating on my mother" - You should also take a deep look and ask yourself why you want him in your life? Is it because he's your last semi-parent? Because he was married to your mother? Does he truly behave like a father you would want? Focusing on you and your kids?
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Post by dazeepetals on Apr 17, 2017 18:41:16 GMT
Grief is complicated and everyone deals in their own way. I myself have not remarried or dated and its been 5 years since I lost my husband. My grandfather remarried a year to the day after losing my grandmother. It pissed his kids off to no end and at the time I didn't understand it, but now I do. He is very happy and she has NOT replaced my grandma. I know plenty of women who have been widowed and have dated quickly and even married quicker than their families were prepared for. For you it is too early, for him it is not. He is not replacing your mom. She cannot be replaced. But you can't expect him to grieve on your timeline any more than he can expect you to grieve on his. Maybe you need to tell him that it still hurts for him to talk about his relationship with this woman right now and you need some time to adjust. You understand he feels the need to move on, but you need more time to adjust to that timeline. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. Many many hugs to you. Thank you for telling me exactly what I needed to hear. I have been trying to explain exactly that to myself, but having someone else say it makes me understand it better.
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Post by scrapmaven on Apr 17, 2017 18:53:03 GMT
Grief can take us many places. That your sf is bi-polar could mean that it was a lack of impulse control or he was just so lonely and needed companionship. Hard to say. If you want to continue a relationship w/him I would do so and try and be silent about his new relationship when speaking w/him. He can choose this for himself and won't listen to your concerns, but you don't have to like it. Just grieve in your own way and know that this is not a replacement for your mom.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 5, 2024 4:33:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2017 19:18:31 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. When my mother died, it was quite sudden. My father came home from the funeral and told us that her death had cut his life expectancy in half. We ignored that as a statement of shock instead of an actual worry that he had. Turns out, he could not handle living alone. He had no kitchen skills, and he pretty much refused to take care of himself. Your stepdad may be like that, and he had your mom's illness to convince himself that he couldn't make it on his own. This is why I will never remarry, unless the man comes with his own bank and servants.
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keithurbanlovinpea
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Flowing with the go...
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Jun 29, 2014 3:29:30 GMT
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Apr 17, 2017 19:24:33 GMT
My parents had a rocky relationship due to my mother's bipolar disorder. They were married just short of 40 years when she passed. My father was lost without her. He was perfectly capable of taking care of himself but after all that time, he was just used to being a part of a twosome, no matter how dysfunctional. He started dating my stepmother about 3 months after my mom passed and they were married a year later. I never felt like he was replacing my mom. He was happy to have companionship and we were happy he wasn't lonely. I truly think he would have withered and died had my stepmother not been a part of his life. They were married 15 years when my dad passed away at 83. Now a year and a half after his death, I see her withering away from loneliness. I am reticent to advise anyone on the "best" way to grieve, but if my father's new relationship gave him an inkling of happiness in his later years, then I'm all for believing he grieved the best way he knew how.
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scorpeao
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Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Apr 17, 2017 19:25:11 GMT
It would be hard to spend my life with someone and then they die, leaving me alone. Nobody to help me pass the time or distract me from my grief. You have your dh and children to help you...he has nobody.
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Post by Really Red on Apr 17, 2017 19:26:01 GMT
I know you said there were problems in your mom's and his relationship, but when you are really happy with someone, you often want to find that happiness with someone else. It's almost a tribute to their relationship that he wants to try again so quickly. I divorced 8 years ago and I never want another man in my life. That is not a compliment to how my ex treated me.
I think of Sheryl Sandburg (sp?), the CEO of Facebook. She barely managed losing her husband and when they were both young. She never thought she could find someone, but she started dating less than a year after losing her husband. Her tribute to her husband are incredible. Just absolutely beautiful, yet she has found someone.
You never, not never ever, get over the death of your mom (when you have had a good relationship with her). That's not the relationship your stepfather had with her. If your sister turned around and got another mother in 2 months, I would find that much worse.
You want everyone to be on your same page. That's normal and I'd want it too. It's comforting to have someone grieve with you. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. It sucks to lose your mom.
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Post by julieinsweden on Apr 17, 2017 19:38:12 GMT
My dad died at the age of 65 from cancer. My mum was very quick to start dating again - 2 months. At first I struggled to deal with my silly giggley 17 year old head over heels in love mother. But looking back over the 4 years of her grief journey I realise that she was not designed to be alone. She had moved from her parents, in with my dad the day they married. She had never been alone. And I also owe the guys she was with, a big thank you. First they gave her a reason for getting up each day. Then, in each case the guy was recently widowed too, so they were able to grief counsel each other. Which took a huge burden of my sister and I.
I think you have some good advice above. Tell him to minimise the talk of Maggie until you are ready to hear it. He has to realise that you both have your own grief journeys and timelines.
Hugs. Cancer sucks.
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Post by mikklynn on Apr 17, 2017 19:48:24 GMT
I'm sorry. My DIL went through something similar with her dad.
The men I know who have been widowed were both remarried in a year. I can't understand it, but I am not walking in their shoes.
Hugs.
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DEX
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,362
Aug 9, 2014 23:13:22 GMT
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Post by DEX on Apr 17, 2017 20:14:10 GMT
My mom died from early onset Alzheimer's at 62. My dad was her caretaker. 6 months after she died my dad reconnected with an old flame and a year later they were married. My dad was so lonely and my heart broke for his grief. They had 20 years together before he passed. She was the mother I always wished I had and I was grateful for her.
My husband died 3 years ago. I was his caretaker. I haven't dated and have no interest. It really is different for everyone. Sometimes there is baggage in someone's life that causes them to need or not need a new partner. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. I am thinking of you.
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Post by bc2ca on Apr 17, 2017 20:27:32 GMT
I don't have anything to add other than you have been given some very wise and thoughtful advice here. {{{hugs}}}
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Post by jenjie on Apr 17, 2017 20:27:35 GMT
I'm so sorry. scrappinspidey gave some good advice. "For you it is too early, for him it is not. He is not replacing your mom. She cannot be replaced. But you can't expect him to grieve on your timeline any more than he can expect you to grieve on his. Maybe you need to tell him that it still hurts for him to talk about his relationship with this woman right now and you need some time to adjust. You understand he feels the need to move on, but you need more time to adjust to that timeline." I agree with this. I'm dealing with my my own emotions plus that of my mil. I need things to be a certain way to protect myself. Mil wants things a different and opposite way. We are not enemies. We are both hurting and coping the best we can. when mil says ABC needs to happen, I will set my own boundaries and only do what I am comfortable with. This is a family dynamics issue. Mil wants her family super close, too much time with them isn't helpful to me. Perfect example, the family celebrate Easter on Saturday. This week has been particularly hard on me. I would have preferred to spend all day at home in my pajamas. Instead, I drove the kids to mil's house in time to play games all afternoon. But I went home for some time alone and returned in time for dinner. That was the compromise I was willing to handle. I don't know whether or not it was ok with her but it's going to have to be. Like spidey said, give him room to develop a new relationship if that's what he thinks he needs. But by all means you can and should gently let him know you aren't ready to hear about it. Big big hugs.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
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RefuPea #2956
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Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Apr 17, 2017 20:29:20 GMT
For you it is too early, for him it is not. He is not replacing your mom. She cannot be replaced. But you can't expect him to grieve on your timeline any more than he can expect you to grieve on his. Maybe you need to tell him that it still hurts for him to talk about his relationship with this woman right now and you need some time to adjust. You understand he feels the need to move on, but you need more time to adjust to that timeline. This right here. When my mom died, my dad started talking to another lady very soon after. Maybe a couple of months, maybe sooner. My sister and I were both upset with this, we were pretty much where you are now. My mom died in 28 days of diagnosis, there wasn't anytime for acceptance for what the hell was happening. She was 58 years old. I was seeing a counselor and one of the things she said to me was "would you rather see your dad unhappy and alone than happy and with someone?" That really opened my eyes and heart to this new person in his life. Of course I don't want him unhappy and alone, how selfish of me! I want him enjoying his life, trying new things. It takes a minute to push out these feelings, my mantra was - I want my dad happy, I want my dad happy. Sorry for your loss, it's hard to lose your mom. Give yourself time to grieve. Sending hugs to you.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Apr 17, 2017 20:32:18 GMT
My father was my mother's caretaker for years. She died very young at 60 and my heart broke for my had. He waited about a year I think but honestly I was praying for him to find someone pretty quickly. It's been 7 years since she died and his girlfriend was also widowed that same year. I love them together. I hadn't realized how much of who dad was had been lost in those care taker years till I saw him out living and experiencing life again. He wouldn't give up those years looking after my mom though.
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Post by papersilly on Apr 17, 2017 20:35:26 GMT
((((Hugs)))) some people don't do well alone - they really want to be part of a couple. Plus it's possible that Bruce did some of his grieving for your mum before she died, during that year-long battle. Grief is a different journey for everyone. very well said and i agree. your grief may never coincide with his and while you may still be in the throws of grief, he may be ready to move on. it doesn't mean he's forgotten about your mom or has minimized his life with her but maybe he's just ready to move on and keep on living.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Apr 17, 2017 20:40:41 GMT
I kind of understand. My sister died October 11th and my BIL had a "friend" cook Thanksgiving Dinner for him and his adult kids. My sister was the cook of the family and loved making big meals whenever possible. I know my niece took the relationship very hard. I can't imagine moving on so soon, but I have never been in that position so I really don't know how I would react.
HUGS, it is hard no matter what.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jul 5, 2024 4:33:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2017 20:48:59 GMT
From the spouses I know who lost a loved one after prolonged illness, the grieving process started well before the physical death. Her body died 5 months ago, but he may have begun grieving the loss of his *wife* before that. I also have heard that moving on quickly CAN indicate that the marriage was strong/healthy/happy enough that the grieving spouse wants to experience it again, which may explain the quickness.
I would tell him that while you want him to be happy, you're still reeling from the loss of your mom and you need time to grieve through that still before beginning to process a new woman in his life, and could you keep the conversation to more neutral subjects like the grandkids and stuff.
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 17, 2017 20:56:59 GMT
I have been in your shoes. Mine story was my mom passed away after a really difficult cancer. He was there for her taking care of her. I think his grieving started long before ours did. He lived it day to day. They had been married since they were 21. 37 years. He passed away in November and by Easter, he was dating again. I was actually happy for him and sad too. In the end, I wanted what made him happy. He went through a really bad funk. The house was being neglected and so was he. His new friend took care of him and he took care of her. She made him happy. I remember how tough it was, but I never begrudged him companionship and love. I guess I really just missed my mom and this new lady didn't take her away. They were together for 10 years when he got very sick from cancer and she was there to take care of him.
ETA: I have heard from countless people that men don't do well on their own after a happy marriage. Seems pretty true.
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Post by llinin on Apr 17, 2017 20:59:27 GMT
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom, your dog, and for your stepdad being insensitive.
Grief is so complex and overwhelming. My parents died two weeks apart but I know to the core of my being I would have been DEVASTATED if one of them had lived and then immediately began dating. Here is where I am a hypocrite. Right after my folks died, a coworker lost his wife to the same cancer as my dad (unknown primary, brutally fast). She was only 43. It was so sad. A few months after she died, we talked about dating. Less than a year after her death, we were engaged. I have no idea how in the heck two broken people managed, but we have been really happy for a long time now. Grief doesn't always make sense, at least it didn't for us.
So, that is my way of saying your feelings are valid and you have every right to feel like you do. He may do what he wants, but you can and should tell him you want him to be happy and do his thing and grieve his way. In the next breath tell him that you need to grieve your Mom in your way and that doesn't include Maggie right now, it is too soon for you. That doesn't judge him or say it is too soon for him, so it maybe won't put him on the defensive.
Losing a parent is so hard. I am sorry you have to deal with this. Laura
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Post by polz on Apr 17, 2017 21:19:34 GMT
I'm sorry you lost your Mama. I know someone who dated six weeks after the love of her life passed. They married in 1997 a few short months after they started dating and as far as I know, they are happy together. This was a woman, so it's not just men who can't live alone. Some people are just wired that way. My Grandfather passed in 1988 and my Nan didn't pass until 2013. She never dated or remarried.
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Post by hop2 on Apr 17, 2017 21:25:34 GMT
Hugs
That must be hard on you.
But some people just can't/won't be/stay alone, especially some men from certain generations. It's just how some people are. Also his loss is different from your loss. He lost a partner and he's lonely. And of course you will never replace your MOM, because she's your mom and it's a completely different loss so it's different for you.
Have you done any grief counseling? It might help you to come to terms with his different mourning timeline.
Some people move on because they are lonely and at a different point in thier lives so they feel they have less time. But it's really a completely different thing to loose a parent.
Hugs
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Apr 17, 2017 21:40:40 GMT
My MIL died in year 26 of their marriage after fighting cancer bravely for 6 years. We were home for 3 weeks taking care of him, sorting it all out and just being with him. As DH packed the car for the airport, FIL brought me a camera and said, "I need a profile picture." What?!?!!? I was gutted. DH was gutted. It was weird. It took me about 30 minutes of "needing to take care of the baby" to catch my breath. I finally decided that if that is what HE needed at that moment that is what I was going to do. It wasn't about ME. While I was grieving, it wasn't my place to judge his grief. He said to us, "I've been grieving her for 6 years, I need to move on."
So... in February, he sends me an email chain where he professes his love for this women and her two teenage daughters. He was spending an insane amount of money on her. I was livid! That was my grief. MIL would never have let that happen. They broke up, he had one more love of his life. Then, he met Donna. She didn't leave. When they married 6 years later it was still very difficult. That was our grief. It was again our opportunity to be there for HIM.
My mom dated one man after my dad died about a year afterwards. It was weird. But she had such a miserable marriage that we didn't mind as much. It lasted about a month and that was all she dated.
I ask you to process YOUR grief for you and let him take care of his. Be as honest as possible with yourself.
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