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Post by Really Red on Jul 4, 2017 19:31:40 GMT
"It's not about what they deserve, it's about what you believe." - Wonder Woman I wish I could love this 100 times over J u l e e ! I fell in LOVE with Wonder Woman because she did the right thing no matter what was easier. |
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Post by Really Red on Jul 4, 2017 19:36:58 GMT
No, I really don't have an unhealthy attachment, although it's clear the evidence does not prove my point of view!! I am very happy and have a generally happy life, with normal annoyances (teenagers and bills). But my ex is not mentally okay. I believe he is bipolar (he was diagnosed with depression, but lies to doctors) and made him go through the checkpoints of that illness with me one day (way back when). He is strong on 13 or 14 characteristics. So Dr. Really Red diagnosed him. In any case, he is European and just doesn't make friends here well. He has a ton of them in Switzerland - and they are normal, good people - but here, he just doesn't make any effort. I adore his family and I got them in the divorce. They are so sad for him and they worry about him. So how could I ignore someone I loved for 20 years, the father of my kids and someone who is loved by people I love? I don't think I could live with my conscience if I did that. Basically, I want him to go back to Switzerland, but he doesn't want to make that effort either. He refuses meds and I have wiped my hands of that. After the last bout of illness, I told him if he was off meds I'd not help him again. I remember the person he was and I am sad for him. Depression in any shape or form is a very, very awful disease. (((hugs))) Please note that you don't owe me an explanation, & I certainly am not suggesting that you "ignore" your ex-husband. I am just concerned about the toll that continuing to remain attached & taking responsibility of an ex-spouse is having on you & your relationship with your children who he's abandoned. I would expect that you frequently find yourself in the middle, & the children question why you continue to drop everything for a man who cannot be bothered with them. Admittedly not a mental health expert, but it doesn't seem like the status quo is healthy for anyone involved...especially you. Best wishes... I always love the Peas varied and interesting explanations. I don't always have to agree, but I'd be some kind of idiot if everyone said one thing and I blindly moved forward in another. FWIW, I don't disagree with you. It does take a toll, but less and less of one as the years go by. Thank you for your good thoughts!! I appreciate the place they come from! While I don't live and die by Wonder Woman, I loved the quote that J u l e e wrote. I always want to show my kids that you need to do the right thing even when it isn't the easiest thing to do. I wonder what they would think of me if they thought I ignored their dad in his distress? I love my MIL very, very much. She lost her only daughter to an accidental drowning a few years ago and I know she's stressed about her son living so far away. I don't do things for my ex. I do them for my kids and for my in-laws. They are all absolutely worth it. FWIW, he has already Facebooked me the money  |
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,412
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 5, 2017 6:08:50 GMT
Uh, are your children with him? If not, that'd be filed under "not my fucking problem." Just thinking the same thing. |
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Post by SockMonkey on Jul 5, 2017 12:59:17 GMT
"It's not about what they deserve, it's about what you believe." - Wonder Woman I wish I could love this 100 times over J u l e e ! I fell in LOVE with Wonder Woman because she did the right thing no matter what was easier. Man, y'all are making me feel some feelings now. Seriously, you are kind and did the generous thing, not the thing that would have felt best at the time. Damn it. |
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Post by annie on Jul 5, 2017 17:50:02 GMT
Really impressed with your kindness and caring. A great model for your children!
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927 
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Post by freebird on Jul 5, 2017 19:37:31 GMT
You know, I don't get along with my ex at all but if he called me desperate in the same situation, I probably would help him too. I'd be pissed the whole time, but I'd do it.
I think it's less about being his ex wife and attachments and more about being a decent human being in general.
You're a good egg Red, thanks for being kind.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jul 6, 2017 10:58:23 GMT
Uh, are your children with him? If not, that'd be filed under "not my fucking problem." No. He doesn't have much contact with them. I would LOVE to file that exactly there, but I just can't. I am no saint, but I feel like one these days with him. Helped him move, cleaned up his old place and did a ton more. This - I just want to bonk his stupid head. I cannot tell you how many times he's lost his wallet, but now he's all alone in a new city with zero money. I can't leave him. Why not? He left you, didn't he? I'd send him enough for a couple meals and the address of the nearest police station. (And I'm usually the one who errors on the side of compassion) |
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Jul 6, 2017 11:05:51 GMT
(((hugs))) Have you considered counseling? I'm not an expert, but concerned that you have an unhealthy attachment/responsibility to your ex-husband. You describe him as selfish, not dependable, & inactive in your & your children's lives (except to impose), yet you insist on always being there for him. Please try to redefine & balance the relationship to reflect your divorced status. Best wishes... No, I really don't have an unhealthy attachment, although it's clear the evidence does not prove my point of view!! I am very happy and have a generally happy life, with normal annoyances (teenagers and bills). But my ex is not mentally okay. I believe he is bipolar (he was diagnosed with depression, but lies to doctors) and made him go through the checkpoints of that illness with me one day (way back when). He is strong on 13 or 14 characteristics. So Dr. Really Red diagnosed him. In any case, he is European and just doesn't make friends here well. He has a ton of them in Switzerland - and they are normal, good people - but here, he just doesn't make any effort. I adore his family and I got them in the divorce. They are so sad for him and they worry about him. So how could I ignore someone I loved for 20 years, the father of my kids and someone who is loved by people I love? I don't think I could live with my conscience if I did that. Basically, I want him to go back to Switzerland, but he doesn't want to make that effort either. He refuses meds and I have wiped my hands of that. After the last bout of illness, I told him if he was off meds I'd not help him again. I remember the person he was and I am sad for him. Depression in any shape or form is a very, very awful disease. After reading this, my compassion came back. There's a big difference between mental illness and *******. That said, you also have to be careful about enabling vs helping. If you're close with his family maybe a conversation with them is in order. Perhaps a little brainstorming can come up with some ideas to help him. |
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