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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 12, 2017 16:59:25 GMT
Oh my gosh, I just want to give you and hug. You poor thing. What you are dealing with is terrible. I would rather deal with the absent, drunk ex that I do then one who undermine everything I do.
One thing I want to say is that kids are smart. Hold the line. Keep doing the right thing. They see it. If you feel like you need to take the phone away on your time then do it. But the kids will eventually realize who is the better parent.
DHs ex talked bad about us for many years. But we kept on being consistent. Doing the right thing. The kids are seeing it now. Just yesterday my stepdaughter sent me pictures of dresses she was considering for homecoming. It meant the world to me that she wanted my opinion. She also asked me if I would come take pictures. This is huge. In the past I have shown up at their events and they haven't even so much as acknowledged me because their mom hates me so much. It got to the point where I did not even want to go anymore because I was afraid my presence was just making the kids uncomfortable. But I persisted and they are starting to come around now.
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marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,282 
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Post by marimoose on Aug 12, 2017 17:10:44 GMT
Do you know his Apple ID and password (or just ask DS)? If so, sign up for Teen Safe. Nothing is loaded onto their phone, but it monitors deleted texts, among other things. I don't necessarily have an opinion on how to handle the situation with your DS and ex, but Teen Safe should at least give you some peace of mind with a newly-phoned 11 year old. I second this. I know that it is possible to do on androids. It sends all the texts to your email. You can read them or have the peace of mind of knowing they are there. Your son is 11 and kids get into trouble with their phones, aside from the communications he has with their dad. It is so sad when adults can't be just that for the sake of their children. Your ex needs to put aside his feelings and think of his children. |
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Post by Really Red on Aug 12, 2017 17:47:14 GMT
Thank you to everyone who replied. This year has been so stressful! Our divorce documents state that all medical and dental appointments must be mutually agreed upon, so I cannot legally take him to therapy without his father's consent. However, this is going to be a main topic at our court date, which is in October. My lawyer does not want me to put my son in therapy until a judge over rules my ex and therapy is a court order. Yes, we have a disparaging clause, but the problem is proof. My youngest dh has told my mom some things, but those statements cannot be used in court because the judge won't call a child to testify. My ex knows exactly where the line is and how far he can push me. It's infuriating. Holy hell! You have to mutually agree on medical and DENTAL appointments?! Maybe that's when you have 50-50 custody, because that just seems crazy. And it makes me sad there has to be a no disparaging clause in any divorce decree. I had never heard of that. My divorce was easy because I just wanted out and my ex didn't care, so I gave him more money and a limited alimony so that I could be gone. In exchange I got the kids all the time (in the decree it states every other weekend and Wednesdays, but he never once did it). I can't even imagine my ex taking one of the kids to a dr. appt. He doesn't even know who they are! |
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 12, 2017 17:49:13 GMT
I didn't read all the replies.
Are you in a position where you could buy ds a 2nd phone. This one stays at your house and is the one he can use there. That eayvyou can monitor it?
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 12, 2017 18:19:24 GMT
Really Red, Lauren once told me I was a fool for agreeing to let go of my ex's pension in favor of full custody. But I feel like having full custody both physical and legal was worth every single penny I gave up for exactly this type of reason.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,156
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Aug 12, 2017 19:45:54 GMT
I've been reading through and a couple things I like are the second phone for your week. Would be good for ds to hear from you that you expect the right things done with your phone like not trash talking either parent. You could also put some monitoring devices on it as suggested. You might just get lucky and get some evidence of what the ex is saying about you. Either way I like the idea of pushing back with your phone, your rules.
One post also mentioned a court appointed therapist. I'd welcome that. Older ds might not spill too much, but sounds like younger one is bothered by what is going on. I'd capitalize on that before he has a chance to poison his mind.
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paigepea
Drama Llama
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Posts: 5,609
Location: BC, Canada
Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Aug 12, 2017 20:57:41 GMT
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
I like the idea of the second phone. The one thing that doesn't stop, though, is how your ds speaks to his father about you or others.
Have you had the conversation about how texting can really hurt others. I would explain how friends treat friends and how speaking badly about someone behind their back is a form of bullying - even in a text (cyber). And I would have the discussion about standing up for friends. Give your kids the vocabulary to stand up for you if ex bad mouths you. I don't like to talk this way, I don't talk about others badly, friend would feel upset if he/she heard this conversations. Maybe relate it to friends / school to start and see if your son picks up on it for conversations with his ex. My dd is 11 and she's had too many opportunities to use this vocabulary. So sad. Nowadays people think they can say / text anything without consequences.
Maybe also talk about what happens if you bad talk someone - mean/bad reputation / loose friends.
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Post by hop2 on Aug 12, 2017 21:18:28 GMT
Really Red, Lauren once told me I was a fool for agreeing to let go of my ex's pension in favor of full custody. But I feel like having full custody both physical and legal was worth every single penny I gave up for exactly this type of reason. ive given up several things for myself but not one single thing for my kids. My kids will come out of this divorce whole if it kills me. Worth every penny to have him LEGALLY tied to giving them a specific amount of money. And pay for college if something happens to their scholarships. They will be absolutely fine. I made sure of that. |
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Post by Really Red on Aug 12, 2017 21:44:11 GMT
Really Red , Lauren once told me I was a fool for agreeing to let go of my ex's pension in favor of full custody. But I feel like having full custody both physical and legal was worth every single penny I gave up for exactly this type of reason. ive given up several things for myself but not one single thing for my kids. My kids will come out of this divorce whole if it kills me. Worth every penny to have him LEGALLY tied to giving them a specific amount of money. And pay for college if something happens to their scholarships. They will be absolutely fine. I made sure of that. I would have given up everything if it had come to that. I could not agree with you more. I did get half his pension, but here we are three years later and I still don't have it. He's mostly not awful about money, but it takes a long time to get it! |
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Post by pretzels on Aug 13, 2017 0:20:20 GMT
Thank you to everyone who replied. This year has been so stressful! Our divorce documents state that all medical and dental appointments must be mutually agreed upon, so I cannot legally take him to therapy without his father's consent. However, this is going to be a main topic at our court date, which is in October. My lawyer does not want me to put my son in therapy until a judge over rules my ex and therapy is a court order. Yes, we have a disparaging clause, but the problem is proof. My youngest dh has told my mom some things, but those statements cannot be used in court because the judge won't call a child to testify. My ex knows exactly where the line is and how far he can push me. It's infuriating. Holy hell! You have to mutually agree on medical and DENTAL appointments?! Maybe that's when you have 50-50 custody, because that just seems crazy. And it makes me sad there has to be a no disparaging clause in any divorce decree. I had never heard of that. My divorce was easy because I just wanted out and my ex didn't care, so I gave him more money and a limited alimony so that I could be gone. In exchange I got the kids all the time (in the decree it states every other weekend and Wednesdays, but he never once did it). I can't even imagine my ex taking one of the kids to a dr. appt. He doesn't even know who they are! That is not typical of 50-50 custody. I share 50-50 and we do what the doctors think should be done. Dentist told me that DS18 should have his wisdom teeth out preemptively before he goes off to college and before they come in and mess up his orthodonture. Ex-H took him to the appt this past week and we split the bill. |
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