breetheflea
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Location: PNW
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Post by breetheflea on Aug 25, 2017 1:38:04 GMT
Long story short... older DS wasn't potty trained until just after he turned 4. He was in a special ed afternoon preschool which broke up the day weird. Once school was over for the summer, I told him to use the potty and he was trained in two days...easiest potty training ever..
So I thought with younger ds I'd wait until the summer right before he turned 4 and it would be just as easy. HA!
At first I'd put him on the toilet, he'd pee, he'd get a juice box or piece of candy. Going great...until he decided to revolt.
Screaming, changing his own diaper... had to hide the diapers or he'd change out if underwear and put a diaper on so he could pee in it, then screaming if I even mentioned underwear. I've tried candy, juice boxes, toys, trips to the park, have two Thomas t-shirts ready and waiting (where he can see them) if he sits on the toilet...I've tried waiting and backing off for a few weeks and trying again...nothing. His new thing is arguing with me that he's a baby and walking off.
You'd think being a mom of 4, I'd have it down by now not be on the path to having a kindergarter in pull ups.
He turned 4 at the beginning of August. He stays dry at night. He knows what to do, he just refuses to do it... I would love to end 12 years of changing diapers!
Any ideas?
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 25, 2017 1:46:59 GMT
I would just stop trying for now. Casually Mention some thing about being able to pick out new underwear or some other thing that will happen when he is a big boy and goes on the toilet. But don't force the issue.
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Post by brina on Aug 25, 2017 1:53:09 GMT
If he wants to be a baby, let him be a baby.
Babies have to take naps. They can't go on the big slide at the park or climb on the big monkey bars. Babies eat baby food, not pizza or candy.
Being a big kid is a lot more fun.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,147
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Post by used2scrap on Aug 25, 2017 1:57:34 GMT
I feel your pain, I struggled so much with my 2 boys. Eventually it came down to a big prize they wanted (fisher price castle, lightning mcqueen rc car) in view of the bathroom, and spending days at home and putting them in long t shirt but no underwear, pull up, or pants. If they had any bottoms on they'd sneak off and go in them.
Hang in there.
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breetheflea
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,316
Location: PNW
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Post by breetheflea on Aug 25, 2017 2:11:51 GMT
I have backed off for the last month...since the screaming when he couldnt find a diaper to change himself into started. Now I bring up being a big kid and he argues with me... I should have tried last summer when he was 3 and cute, and didn't argue... ha ha.
I was reaaaaaaally just hoping I'd missed something obvious...
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:11:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2017 2:15:36 GMT
Long story short... older DS wasn't potty trained until just after he turned 4. He was in a special ed afternoon preschool which broke up the day weird. Once school was over for the summer, I told him to use the potty and he was trained in two days...easiest potty training ever.. So I thought with younger ds I'd wait until the summer right before he turned 4 and it would be just as easy. HA! At first I'd put him on the toilet, he'd pee, he'd get a juice box or piece of candy. Going great...until he decided to revolt. Screaming, changing his own diaper... had to hide the diapers or he'd change out if underwear and put a diaper on so he could pee in it, then screaming if I even mentioned underwear. I've tried candy, juice boxes, toys, trips to the park, have two Thomas t-shirts ready and waiting (where he can see them) if he sits on the toilet...I've tried waiting and backing off for a few weeks and trying again...nothing. His new thing is arguing with me that he's a baby and walking off. You'd think being a mom of 4, I'd have it down by now not be on the path to having a kindergarter in pull ups. He turned 4 at the beginning of August. He stays dry at night. He knows what to do, he just refuses to do it... I would love to end 12 years of changing diapers! Any ideas? Put him back in diapers, agree with him that he is a baby, then remind him of all the things babies CAN'T do/have and start treating him like a baby again. Babies don't get candy/treats or his favorite foods. Babies take naps, they can't ride trikes or play with the current fun toys, have play dates, go to the park with friends, etc. Just be very matter of fact about his return to babyhood and really treat him like a baby. He won't choose babyhood for long when he loses out of the fun/privileges of being a big kid. |
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Post by mrssmith on Aug 25, 2017 2:24:26 GMT
I have backed off for the last month...since the screaming when he couldnt find a diaper to change himself into started. Now I bring up being a big kid and he argues with me... I should have tried last summer when he was 3 and cute, and didn't argue... ha ha. I was reaaaaaaally just hoping I'd missed something obvious... Is he conscious of the fact that he's the "baby" of the family (being the youngest) and maybe doesn't want to lose that status? I hated potty training. My DS was similar. I started calling underwear (the Gerber training underwear that is thick) "cotton pull-ups" so that he would wear them. He really liked the softness of those vs. the character undies that were pretty scratchy tbh and now at age 6, I have to buy him the fancy Hanna Anderssen undies that are super soft. Anyway, he's only 4. It sounds like you're doing all the right things. He's still got a year before Kindergarten, right? |
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Post by Chips on Aug 25, 2017 2:24:50 GMT
Well, a positive is that he stays dry at night. Maybe since he is the youngest of 4 he thinks of himself as the baby.
I like the thought process of - not being a big a boy and using the potty makes you a baby and therefore you can't do fun older boy things.
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Post by Linda on Aug 25, 2017 2:33:37 GMT
ime - and 2/3 of mine were late potty-learners - they will learn when they darn well please and not a moment earlier. None of my kids are externally motivated - praise, stickers, consequences, toys, peers knowing/commenting that they had an accident...none of that made a jot of difference. It wasn't until they wanted to be clean and dry, that any progress was made. And yes - I checked with the paediatrician to make sure it wasn't a medical issue.
I switched them to training pants at 4 and just did a LOT of laundry. At 5, I had them help with the cleanup (rinse out the pants). One of them was potty-trained (days only - we're still working on nights at almost 11) in time for Kindergarten but didn't start K until almost 6. The other one was homeschooled K-2 - and wasn't completely potty-trained until 7 (but was night-dry at 4)...and yes, that was one of the factors in deciding to homeschool that one.
((((Hugs)))) it's hard
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Post by melanell on Aug 25, 2017 2:41:21 GMT
I don't have any advice, just hugs and to say that I had one who I thought would go to college still in pull-ups. That kid was so, so, SO stubborn about using the potty.
He didn't care if he had to get changed & cleaned over & over. He didn't care if he messed up his big boy underwear, and any kind of reward? Forget that! He could work a reward system like nobody's business.
I finally just let it go, and then at some point between 4 & 4.5 he started actually going to the bathroom. I did nothing. He just decided to finally get on with it already.
His brother? Trained lickety-split, easy-peasy, no problem. So it totally wasn't me and anything I did or didn't do---it was just 2 very different kids.
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 25, 2017 3:05:22 GMT
I have backed off for the last month...since the screaming when he couldnt find a diaper to change himself into started. Now I bring up being a big kid and he argues with me... I should have tried last summer when he was 3 and cute, and didn't argue... ha ha. I was reaaaaaaally just hoping I'd missed something obvious... Is he scared of the toilet or process in any way? My oldest potty trained over Memorial Day weekend when he was just over three. He did great right away and I didn't even need to bribe him much with the cheap toys I got for the reward basket. But by that Monday he started crying and wouldn't poop on the Toilet. He still peed on the toilet but refused to poop, and actually even started to hold it so he didn't have to poop at all. That caused even more problems. He would cry and you could tell he was in pain but wouldn't/couldn't go. I'm not sure if he got scared or if it hurt when he went on the toilet one of the times or what. Eventually DH got him to go on the toilet again and he was fine after that. My youngest is 5 and is still scared of public bathrooms. He hates the noise of the toilet, especially if it flushes automatically. |
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Post by Delta Dawn on Aug 25, 2017 3:09:47 GMT
We were very slow to potty train. I forget the exact age but I suspect it was at least 4 as we needed to be fully trained for pre-school. I thought I would lose my mind. He wouldn't poop on the potty forever and ever. He was good to pee but not poop. I resulted to bribery and that finally worked.
Me, the boy and parenting expert here wish you good luck. Each kid is different and if it isn't working yet, it will come. You have way more experience than I ever will so you know better than I would!
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Aug 25, 2017 3:21:15 GMT
You mentioned, he starts screaming, fussing when you mention the underwear.
Is it possible, that he's having an underwear issues?
Laundry soap causing "privates" itching?
Twisting his privates, too tight, giving him a wedgie?
Trouble pulling pants, then underwear down, in a timely manner thus causing "waited until the last minute" frustrations?
Fabric texture issues?
Urinary tract issues, that he is relating to wearing underwear?
I have no potty training experience, but I do know, that certain laundry soaps caused me incessant itching, in my private area, when I was a kid, and still as an adult...must use the fragrance free.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:11:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 25, 2017 3:24:25 GMT
Potty training for me is a blur, but I do remember starting at the age of 3 as they needed to be potty trained before the start of preschool. Somehow I got through it. Would it help if you tried a different potty seat/chair? Perhaps even taking him to the store and letting him pick one out? Also, rather than force the issue with the diaper, perhaps give him pullups, but make him attempt to use the potty every hour or so as well?
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Post by seikashaven on Aug 25, 2017 4:06:55 GMT
Oh man. My son was awful to potty train. At 4.5 we still have small accidents from time to time. I hate it. But nothing worked until he wanted it to. Perhaps this has become a power struggle. The more you dig in, the more he will. Maybe just let it go for awhile.
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scrappinghappy
Pearl Clutcher
“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
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Post by scrappinghappy on Aug 25, 2017 4:45:36 GMT
Lots of great advice here. I'd like to assure you that as my mom told me, there is an almost 100% certainty that he's potty trained by the time he walks down the aisle as a groom 😉
I'd put him back in diapers and just not bring it up again till he's ready. I wouldnt go totally back to treating him as a baby but there would definitely be times where he'd lose out on doing something special because its not for babies. The trick is to be consistent and realistic.
As a mom who also struggled with potty training, listen to everyone who says when he's ready it will be instantaneous and just go with diapers for now.
Good luck
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Post by elaine on Aug 25, 2017 5:01:50 GMT
We stressed and tried everything with ds1, and it just didn't happen until he was ready at 4.5 and then maybe less than 5 accidents ever.
With ds2, we were MUCH for relaxed and didn't try to force anything, but made everything available to him, talked about it, etc. And then, at 4.5 - almost to the same day as ds1 - he decided he was done with diapers, and that was that.
They both were dry through the night at 3, but just weren't ready for potty training until 4.5. I wish we took the same approach with ds1 that we did with his younger brother. The same result and almost no stress or tears about it.
Me, personally, I would not go with the punitive route of treating him like a baby. I can't see how that makes him feel more empowered in a positive sense. And, he will, I am 99% certain, be potty trained by the time he turns 5 - regardless of what you do or don't do to try to force him. How much stress you want to be responsible for is up to you - he is going to be ready when he is ready.
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Grom Pea
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Post by Grom Pea on Aug 25, 2017 6:20:34 GMT
It could also be that he doesn't feel in control of anything else, e.g. Does he choose his clothes, things to do etc? My niece was very difficult about eating and using the potty and my theory was that it was cause those were literally the only two things she had total control over, everything else was up to someone else. I don't have a lot of great advice because I started with elimination communication, so my kids were pooping in the potty at just weeks old, however I have the issue of my oldest not caring about being wet or dry, dirty or clean, and a youngest that emulates everything, so when my oldest was not compliant about the potty, neither was my youngest, and now my youngest is a terrible two, so my guess is he won't be ready until the oldest trains. I think the oldest is getting closer, but its still not a guarantee, he will be great all day, no problems if I make him go, but he doesn't take himself. He's on the spectrum though, so not that it's an excuse, but he doesn't communicate his needs very well, he just recently started saying he was thirsty or hungry, most of the time I either have to quiz him or I just find him trying to help himself.
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Post by Linda on Aug 25, 2017 10:38:49 GMT
His brother? Trained lickety-split, easy-peasy, no problem. So it totally wasn't me and anything I did or didn't do---it was just 2 very different kids. yup same here - kid #1 self-trained on his 2nd birthday - had a couple of accidents after that but otherwise he was done - I hadn't even thought about potty training figuring boys were later...now he wasn't night dry until 12. The other two? I tell DH we're never getting a dog because house breaking the girls was a nightmare...and I never wish to go through that again with any creature |
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 25, 2017 11:40:51 GMT
Mom of six here; one just turned two, so who knows about her, but four of the others were easy to train, and the fifth? Hoo boy. That was awful. I feel your pain. And I was on deadline, because we were sending him to a pre-K program soon that wouldn't take him if he was still in diapers. Hang in there.
What ended up working for me was basically taking a long weekend with dh occupying the other kids while I glued the recalcitrant potty-trainer to me. Never let him out of my sight, put him on the potty every hour (even though he was arguing the whole time), and told him this was life until he started using the potty--all mom, all potty, all the time. I can't promise that this method will work (and I will tell you, that was one awful weekend), but it did finally click into place for him that diapers were no longer an option if he just held out, snuck off, or screeched for long enough.
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Post by myboysnme on Aug 25, 2017 11:50:32 GMT
First, congrats on letting your kids develop on their own timeline. That to me is awesome parenting. Toileting issues are the number one cause of abuse to children 9 months to 5 years.
Do not get into power struggles over poop and pee. He will use it eventually. At this point I would concentrate on having him help with cleaning himself up.
Both my boys were bedwetters, as was I, and very slow to use the toilet during the day as well. I still remember, at age 60, the shaming and humiliation my mother imparted upon me for toileting on myself.
Developmentally he is not ready to commit to using the toilet and I would view it that way, not that he is stubborn. Yes, he could use the toilet but he doesn't. He has reasons.
We have the luxury of several toilets in our house. I made one of them the child's toilet just for his use when he was learning. My older son was scared to death of the flush. Even as an adult he's kind of a flush and run person.
I don't know if anything I said helps. If a child could walk but chose not to, feed themselves but chose not to, we would know and accept it as a developmental issue. Don't cave to any societal pressure that he should be doing something he isn't. |
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anniebygaslight
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Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 25, 2017 12:25:23 GMT
Is he mixing with children outside the family? Being laughed at a few times by other children generally cures this sort of thing.
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breetheflea
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Post by breetheflea on Aug 25, 2017 13:03:41 GMT
Maybe it's the underwear, I will dig out the thicker training underwear and see if that helps... No itch issues that I know of. I had an allergy to detergent when I was 4/5 and remember being itchy (the doctor thought I had pinworms)...he doesn't scratch at himself or complain about itching.
He is very particular about clothes. Jacket has a zipper it needs to be zipped up to his chin, buttons buttoned, shoes velcroed his way, and he prefers the color blue... Maybe he was dropped off by aliens, because my other kids would wear their shirt backwards, shoes on the wrong feet, socks two different sizes and colors, pants inside out and backwards, coat unzipped and they were fine. He also likes to (and gets to for the most part) pick his own outfits.
He doesn't have any kids his age around, almost all the kids we know are older... so I was thinking of starting preschool after Christmas, or considering it anyway (there is a chance he won't start kindergarten until 6 because of his August birthday so no hurry) but he has to be potty trained first...
My oldest dd was a nightmare to potty train and I had to drive around with a potty chair in the back of my van until she was 6. She HATED the noise of the automatic flush toilets and her elementary school at the time had them... Youngest DS likes to flush, he just prefers to flush clean water.
I will let up for a while and try some new tactics.
Thanks for the help.
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scrappinmama
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Jun 26, 2014 12:54:09 GMT
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Post by scrappinmama on Aug 25, 2017 13:25:56 GMT
He could have sensory issues over tags in the underwear. First you need t get him back on track. I like the idea of telling him that if he wants to be a baby, that means he will miss some fun stuff. That might click with him. Once he is willing to try again, look for underwear that don't have tags.
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Post by mrssmith on Aug 25, 2017 13:40:00 GMT
My youngest is 5 and is still scared of public bathrooms. He hates the noise of the toilet, especially if it flushes automatically. OMG! The worst! And those high powered hand dryers that sound like a jet engine! There is the tip about putting a sticky note over the sensor, but I would either forget the sticky notes or be so cramped in the stall with 2 little kids who were squirming around that the toilet would flush before anyone sat on it. Or I would try to cover it with my hand. Save |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 25, 2017 14:12:03 GMT
My youngest is 5 and is still scared of public bathrooms. He hates the noise of the toilet, especially if it flushes automatically. OMG! The worst! And those high powered hand dryers that sound like a jet engine! There is the tip about putting a sticky note over the sensor, but I would either forget the sticky notes or be so cramped in the stall with 2 little kids who were squirming around that the toilet would flush before anyone sat on it. Or I would try to cover it with my hand. SaveWith two little kids along, I think it's perfectly acceptable to use the handicap equipped stall with more space. Just saying. |
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Post by mrssmith on Aug 25, 2017 15:11:23 GMT
OMG! The worst! And those high powered hand dryers that sound like a jet engine! There is the tip about putting a sticky note over the sensor, but I would either forget the sticky notes or be so cramped in the stall with 2 little kids who were squirming around that the toilet would flush before anyone sat on it. Or I would try to cover it with my hand. SaveWith two little kids along, I think it's perfectly acceptable to use the handicap equipped stall with more space. Just saying. I did when available. Sometimes not available or in use! Save |
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bethany102399
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Post by bethany102399 on Aug 25, 2017 15:18:55 GMT
My DS is clothes picky too. I'd be sure the underwear isn't bothering him, maybe switch to the gerber stuff or the special Hanna A. stuff (to the person who posted that I'm cracking up here My DH is picky about his socks of all things, he likes to switch them out when they get too thin) DS also prefers to have the seat insert and some kind of stool (we use a squatty potty) to feel secure when he has to poop. You might ask if he wants some kind of stool or other accommodation to make him feel better about going in the toilet, but I bet if he's clothes sensitive it's the feel of the underwear.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 25, 2017 15:32:05 GMT
I know it won't help the OP, but if there's anyone with little ones reading. While every kid is different, I think there's often a window right around 2 where kids are pretty cooperative and training can go relatively smoothly. You hit that no stage and it's just going to be a nightmare. We had just finished with my son when I swear the kid went 6 months with every single request or suggestion being answered with no. I remember thinking that if he wasn't already potty trained, there was no way in hell I'd manage it.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 25, 2017 16:15:45 GMT
I know it won't help the OP, but if there's anyone with little ones reading. While every kid is different, I think there's often a window right around 2 where kids are pretty cooperative and training can go relatively smoothly. You hit that no stage and it's just going to be a nightmare. We had just finished with my son when I swear the kid went 6 months with every single request or suggestion being answered with no. I remember thinking that if he wasn't already potty trained, there was no way in hell I'd manage it. I agree with this too. We missed the window with DD because we were packing up our household to move at that time. There was already a lot of upheaval going on so I opted to wait until after we were settled in our new house and by then she was decidedly less cooperative. We got through it, but it would have been so much easier if we could have tackled it when she was between 1.5 and 2 years old. |
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