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Post by lovetodigi on Aug 29, 2014 15:27:43 GMT
Once your kids leave home, you can only hope that they will use the lessons that they learned while growing up, but you can't force them to do the right thing. I am sure that the parents stressed about what he was doing and were possibly trying to get through to him. Now, of course, there won't be that chance. He was at college, away from home, away from home rules and with other kids that were out drinking. All kids make mistakes, and most have a chance to live through it and pass lessons learned on down to theiir children. This boy won't be able to do that. I am also sure that the parents of the other boy are sick about their son taking the life of another. He must have been raised to know that was wrong, but again, a young kid away from home doing what the other kids are doing and it got out of control. Two lives forever lost, one dead and one headed to prison. Two families that hoped their children would do the right thing and now know, they didn't. We never know what our children will do once they leave home. We can hope and pray, but we can't control. Prayers for the families of both boys.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 29, 2014 15:29:52 GMT
I wonder what their local culture was like. Around here -- small town rural midwest -- it's very common for parents to give their teens alcohol to "teach them how to drink" or because "they're going to drink anyway, they are better off doing it at home". Teen underage drinking citations are usually treated as a rite of passage. Most everyone does go to the local party school. There is incredible denial about the dangers of the mix of young people and alcohol and when bad stuff happens, there is no collective wake up call. I can remember not long ago a teen died while driving drunk and the comments section of the local tv station's report on it were filled with comments, "Poor kid, drunk driving happens to everyone, he just got caught." So I can see if that's your culture, it might not even occur to the parents that there was anything wrong or actionable. (Not an excuse, but a possible explanation.) I actually found the college students who had the absolute worst time with drinking were those who had never had alcohol before. I knew several who ended up in the ER with alcohol poisoning as they truly had no idea what taking 21 shots would do to their body.
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Post by delilahtwo on Aug 29, 2014 15:48:03 GMT
and is now dead.
He graduated from our school last year. My DS is good friends with the boy's younger sister.
He started college (at a known "party school" a few weeks ago) There was an "incident" of some kind after midnight last night/this morning. (DS told me what he heard...including from the sister...but it doesn't really jive with what I've read so far online and the police report gives very little in regards to details.
The incident was at a bar. The boy was beaten and was found unresponsive. His family took him off life support this afternoon.
I'm sick because looking at his very active social media accounts, he was a drinker. 18yrs old. He was arrested at the age of 17 for possession of alcohol by a minor. With all of the activity on social media, why didn't the parents see this very important issue? With his arrest earlier this summer, I sure wish they had taken the drinking and arrest more seriously. Did they just assume that he "parties" and assume since all his friends "party" that it's "normal" and "ok"? I'm not even his "friend" on FB or twitter and was able to see so much that any adult close to him should've seen.
I'm not getting all judgy with the parents...God knows they'll live the rest of their lives without their son...but that thought of all the underage drinking and the terrible consequences of not only excessive alcohol consumption (by anyone, of any age) but the entire underage aspect...it really just makes me ill. I am not a heavy drinker. My parents were both alcoholics. I do drink on occasion and I've been very deliberate in enjoying a drink on occasion in front of my underaged children. I don't want alcohol to be "forbidden" or seen as taboo. There's nothing wrong with alcohol...in moderation and enjoyed by responsible adults who will not be operating a vehicle. But then I see stuff like this and it really makes me loathe alcohol.
D [HASH]2 graduated last year...so she's his age...but clearly they hung in a much different social circle, so I'm not even sure she knew him.
If your kids are drinking heavily in high school...PLEASE get them help. Sending them off to college with a drinking problem is not the answer. It's not cool. It's not okay. It's dangerous...and deadly. You are assuming the parents saw the activity and ignored it. What if they saw it and worked hard with him to help him and try to get him off alcohol? What if they saw no point in blocking his facebook and taking it down as he could have started another one that they would have no chance of seeing? At least with it out there they were able to see what was going on and keep track to an extent. Just because it was out there, doesn't mean the parents could have done anything about it. "And yes, at 18 they may not have much of a say...but I'd like to think that they could have/may have had some kind of influence on him. (and thinking about a friend of mine...whose stepson was busted for underage possession at a party...they were active in his rehab on so many levels...and her stepson was over 18 as well.)" It's nice to think that they could have had some kind of influence. You may not realize but you are saying that they absolutely should have been able to influence him to follow a better path. As an example you use a friend who apparently successfully helped her son with rehab--even though he was an adult! so obviously harder to do than with a 17 year old!. It's just not that easy. A long pattern of bad behaviour is harder to stop than something that was possibly a one shot deal. A lot of young adults try pot once or twice and sometimes they are unlucky enough to get caught at that time. Rehab might not even have been necessary. The last bolded part is where the judgemental attitude really comes out. How do you know what the parents did or did not do? Again, you have so little control of your kids whether they are 2 or 22. If they are adamant about something, as a parent, you cannot force that change. They have to buy in and some don't buy in easily or at all. You are blaming the parents. Lucky for you, your daughter appears to have made better choices but honestly, you never know. I have talked to a lot of people who are my age (late 40s) and quite a few drank a lot in high school, grades were good, did well but they drank all the time. Parents had no clue.
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Post by DinCA on Aug 29, 2014 18:45:12 GMT
I have nothing but compassion for his parents. I don't think anyone really knows what it's like unless they have lived through it. Sometimes, despite having done all the right things, despite having made all the right choices, despite refusing to give up on him, you can't save a kid from himself. Unfortunately, I know this from experience.
And I'm going to go out on a limb here to say that alcohol didn't kill him. Another person killed him. And this could have happened to him even if he was of legal drinking age.
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Deleted
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Jun 26, 2024 8:26:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 19:23:48 GMT
If my underage son were openly breaking the law, bragging about it on social media, and completely distegarding everything we had taught him about alcohol consumption, i would not be footing the bill for his "party school". Call me crazy. OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. How do you know the parents were paying of his 'party school?' Maybe he was on scholarship. I assumed that, even if on full or partial scholarship or his own grants/loans, etc., his parents must be contributing somehow to his educational costs - tuition, books, lab fees, parking, cell phone, car, insurance, rent/dorm fees, clothes, food, etc. That support would be taken away if my child were abusing it.
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Deleted
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Jun 26, 2024 8:26:30 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2014 21:00:56 GMT
added a photo taken this morning to original post
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georgiapea
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Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Aug 29, 2014 21:50:51 GMT
It's just a 'Wrong place wrong time' incident. Most parents surely know that unless their college bound person eschews alcohol entirely, they will likely drink, and doing so in a bar is probably every 18 year old's goal. Kids overload balconies drinking and are sometimes killed in the fall.
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mallie
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Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Aug 29, 2014 22:03:59 GMT
I wonder what their local culture was like. Around here -- small town rural midwest -- it's very common for parents to give their teens alcohol to "teach them how to drink" or because "they're going to drink anyway, they are better off doing it at home". Teen underage drinking citations are usually treated as a rite of passage. Most everyone does go to the local party school. There is incredible denial about the dangers of the mix of young people and alcohol and when bad stuff happens, there is no collective wake up call. I can remember not long ago a teen died while driving drunk and the comments section of the local tv station's report on it were filled with comments, "Poor kid, drunk driving happens to everyone, he just got caught." So I can see if that's your culture, it might not even occur to the parents that there was anything wrong or actionable. (Not an excuse, but a possible explanation.) I actually found the college students who had the absolute worst time with drinking were those who had never had alcohol before. I knew several who ended up in the ER with alcohol poisoning as they truly had no idea what taking 21 shots would do to their body. I actually find the fact that my dds are the only ones in their high school peer groups who haven't been arrested for an OWI while in high school -- usually due to liquor provided by their parents -- are the kids who then grow up to have the worst time drinking. Your mileage may vary.
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caro
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Post by caro on Aug 29, 2014 22:37:39 GMT
There but for the grace of God go I. So true. What college is not a "known " party school ?
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Aug 29, 2014 23:12:10 GMT
How do you know the parents were paying of his 'party school?' Maybe he was on scholarship. I assumed that, even if on full or partial scholarship or his own grants/loans, etc., his parents must be contributing somehow to his educational costs - tuition, books, lab fees, parking, cell phone, car, insurance, rent/dorm fees, clothes, food, etc. That support would be taken away if my child were abusing it. You are making assumptions about the family and the young man. No one knows what the family did or did not do. It's great to that many of you are certain that you are superior to this young man's parents. Anyone with any real experience with addiction knows that it is an illogical disease. As much as you might want to believe that it's as easy as saying, "get clean/sober because I said so," the reality is far more complex and heartbreaking. I don't think anyone had said it is a great idea for young kids to drink heavily. What had been said is that this family deserves compassion because no one knows how, or if, they tried to help their son before his death.
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