Is the word I’m looking for: considerate?

Whose boyfriend, hers or yours?

Agree.  Very odd, especially since mom is so fuzzy on the details.

yeah, i feel like boyfriend probably overstepped, but i don't know all the details.

Consideration is absolutely something I try to give to all of those around me. It's the old walking in someone else's shoes thing, or do unto others as you would have them do to you thing.

Boyfriend was inconsiderate if you weren't bothered by him taking dd's phone.

Adding - if you wouldn't let her date anyone who would take her phone away, you should probably think about whether you want to be dating someone who would take her phone away.

I think I'm probably getting overly-bent about this, but taking someone's phone because they are "ungrateful" isn't like grounding them from using the family car because they were speeding, or taking the tv out of their room as a punishment. Cell phones these days are important for personal safety.

Funny enough I had to remind my sister (she's 47) that even though she's marrying her boyfriend on Saturday, she has zero input as to his kids. She can discuss with him her frustration, but overstepping and disciplining them is a no go. I'd put taking a phone away from your child in that same category.

My sister's soon to be stepchildren may be little inconsiderate shits, but she needs to remember her boundaries.

Someone just wake me when it's Sunday and over.

^^^ I feel the same way about them, sometimes... like when I forget mine at home, and I'm just running to the store for something quick- I get that 'but what if something happens' feeling, and I need to consciously talk myself down off the ledge, so to speak.

If it's normal for your BF to discipline your daughter, then yeah, it was inconsiderate of him to not let you know. But taking away the phone could be a bit harsh, depending on the 'infraction' being disciplined.

I know, I admitted that I was probably getting overly bent about it I actually don't get hyper at all when I call either husband or son and can't get ahold of them, because I know that they frequently don't have their phones right with them or they turn them off. Honestly, though, when my son was a teenager and we needed to impose consequences, my husband and I always talked about it and came to a mutual agreement about what was going to happen; mostly so we could provide a united front because I was usually more of a marshmallow and once teenagers realize something like that, they will exploit it I think this story is bothering me more because 1) the person imposing consequences isn't the parent; 2) he didn't let the parent know he had taken away the phone; 3) "she's ungrateful" isn't much of a justification for that consequence. Now I understand we don't have the full story. Maybe the "boyfriend" is actually a long-term live in who has been acting as a father figure for some time, the phones are all on a plan that is paid for out of the household budget, and "ungrateful" means "she keeps using up all of our data on the plan and doesn't give a damn that we are paying mega $$$ in overage fees every month". Then, taking away the phone is justified, but he still needs to let mom know. (and the more logical consequence would be to turn off the data for that number.)

Um, yeah.
No way would I let a man (or anyone for that matter) discipline MY daughter. You have a problem with her, then you talk to me about it and I'll handle it.

The word I’d be looking for is concerning.

If this was DDs BF taking away her phone, the word I would use is "controlling". As in "Momma explained to me what a dangerous red flag BFs controlling behavior is, so I broke up with him."

If this was my BF, I would go with, again, controlling. As in, "Your controlling behavior is inappropriate, out of line and frightening. This relationship is now over."

Best of luck resolving this.