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Post by Really Red on May 22, 2018 20:54:11 GMT
So I'm coming from it from a different side. I'm the wronged spouse. My ex not only left me, he left the kids and had only sporadic contact with them. They are now late teens and 21. I do everything I can to encourage him to be a parent again, or at least a friend. Why? Because unless there is abuse, you can only benefit from people loving you. Granted, there are so many extenuating circumstances that I don't want to delve into and I know many of you have experienced them, but I am speaking about a "normal" parent who made idiotic choices and is willing to try and work harder to be a good parent again. So I do think if mrst 's story is true and she doesn't know why her daughter has stopped contact AND if mrst believes she has apologized for her children (because mrst what you did was really awful), then I think the kids would benefit from having her in their lives. I'm not sure what punishment at this point does (again, those of you who have experienced horrific nightmares, I'm not talking about your cases). Also, maybe mrst 's current husband is trying to be supportive and thinks this is the way to be supportive. It doesn't necessarily mean he is controlling!! Maybe he's trying to figure out things himself. If mrst says to him she wants to anyway and he stops her, then THAT is controlling. Everyone is trying to figure things out. Leaving your 16yo child is a BIG deal mrst and I hope you have told her it was a stupid choice and you realize that now. But that was 17 years ago and apparently they had a relationship for some time. It sucks when our choices aren't good ones and consequences happen, but I also think that there's nothing to be gained from beating a dead horse. If mrst has truly felt remorse and shared that with her DD, then they need to move on. |
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Post by Zee on May 22, 2018 20:57:21 GMT
Here is whatI think: you made your bed, now you lie in it.
I know that sounds harsh but you broke up your family when your kids were 16 & 21. They didn't get to just move on and be happy with an old flame like you did.
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Post by mrst on May 22, 2018 21:01:26 GMT
Just need to add, we didn't cheat before we left our partners! I don't feel any remorse not any need to apologise. My dad was a sailor ....had another family on the side, children by a 3rd lady....perhaps my values are screwed. My first husband wasn't Mr Wonderful.
Slightly shocked by some of the responses but making me think.
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Post by newfcathy on May 22, 2018 21:05:31 GMT
So your kids were 16 & 21 and you left them in England to run off to Spain with the other man?? You left them right when they either leaving the nest or still in all the teenage craziness. And you don’t expect them to be resentful.
Don’t force your dh on them. Take whatever time they have for you by yourself.
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Post by Zee on May 22, 2018 21:05:57 GMT
Just need to add, we didn't cheat before we left our partners! I don't feel any remorse not any need to apologise. My dad was a sailor ....had another family on the side, children by a 3rd lady....perhaps my values are screwed. My first husband wasn't Mr Wonderful. Slightly shocked by some of the responses but making me think. Here is where you add lots of pertinent details left out of the OP that naturally skew the responses toward "suck it up" |
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Post by jenjie on May 22, 2018 21:14:59 GMT
See, this is where my resentment of my mother came in. I’ve since forgiven her, but am in no hurry to spend time with her. We’ve grown apart.
When my mom left my dad, she didn’t just leave him, she left her kids, too. She stopped parenting and started visiting. (ETA: Very infrequently. Aft first it was random weekends, then some holidays.) We were made to feel like guests in her home, not her children. It’s long and complicated, and my mother just went to the next state over, not a different country.
My brother is 45 years old and just coming to terms with how much damage her stepping out of his life did to him. I wish I could say I was exaggerating. But my sil has been calling, she’s trying to figure out why he is the way he is in relationships and how we can help him/them.
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Post by dewryce on May 22, 2018 21:19:05 GMT
Just need to add, we didn't cheat before we left our partners! I don't feel any remorse not any need to apologise. My dad was a sailor ....had another family on the side, children by a 3rd lady....perhaps my values are screwed. My first husband wasn't Mr Wonderful. Slightly shocked by some of the responses but making me think. Whatever the circumstances, your children didn't/don't feel that it was handled well or that they got whatever it is that they needed from you after you abandoned the family. Have you had in person conversations about this to see why they still feel the way they do? |
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,927
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on May 22, 2018 21:23:14 GMT
Just need to add, we didn't cheat before we left our partners! I don't feel any remorse not any need to apologise. My dad was a sailor ....had another family on the side, children by a 3rd lady....perhaps my values are screwed. My first husband wasn't Mr Wonderful. Slightly shocked by some of the responses but making me think. I'm guessing your definition of "cheating" is "having sex".
I'm further guessing that your children's definition doesn't agree with yours.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:47:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2018 21:26:52 GMT
I don't feel any remorse not any need to apologise. And that's probably why your children want little to nothing to do with you. You obviously didn't handle the whole thing as well as you think you did. |
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J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
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Post by J u l e e on May 22, 2018 21:32:08 GMT
I don't feel any remorse not any need to apologise. I think this says a lot. Maybe you don't feel you need to apologize for your actions. But maybe your children could use an apology for how those actions affected them. Those are two totally different things. Sometimes the things we happily choose still cause pain for others that should be heard and acknowledged, and if you can, apologized for. and ETA - often, people don't process things until sometimes years after an event. They may have carried on in the moment, but then feel the effects when they start dating, or get engaged/married, have a child, etc. And then they realize that something's not right and try to start dealing with it. |
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,927
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on May 22, 2018 21:36:37 GMT
I' m a 66 year old UK retired lady living in Spain. I original lived in the north oh England with a very domineering dad. He stopped me seeing my current husband when I was 16 and was both physically and mentally abusive. I married my 1st husband at 22 and had a good marriage and full time career with 2 children. I had a few episodes of ill health but all in all I worked hard and was succssful. I felt ok with my first husband although he wasn't over carering. At 49 , my boyfriend from when I was 16 got in touch and despite the fact we were a long distance apart and both married ,within 12 weeks we were together, then married within a year. We moved to Spain about 2 years after we married and I retired with ill health and had ;multiple surgeries. We have a nice income with plenty oftravel. My children were 16 and 21, my husband's were;older at 25 and 28. At first they were all fine. We went out, they stayed over and came to visit us in Spain . Our ex' s were fine as well. Over time this changed. My dd firstly stopped seeing me very suddenly just before she married. We' d always had a bit of a volatile relationship but I'd flown over to help with her dress, the venue etc. Then just as me and dh flew to Australia for a 6 week holiday ( planned since well before the wedding), she said she never wanted to see me again.....and so it went! No wedding for me, no contact and I've never met my first grandson. My ex , as usual, ;didn' "take sides" My ds stayed in touch more but had a drink fuelled argument with dh some 8 years ago and it' ;never really been resoved. We only visit the UK about every year or so, so I just get on with my life..THEN Both ds and dd were to become parents again this spring. First ds had a little girl, ;7 weeks early..shes fine and lovely. Dd is due 14 June. We're having a visit to the UK this June and I asked ds if "we" could visit. ;No problem!! Then this week he starts saying..why is dh coming? Wont it be difficult? Etc etc. My dh now has a similar problem with his younger son...we can't see his gd if I'm there....his elder son died 6 years ago and now his son (age 20) won't see us! We taken him on holiday, supported him over a rough 15 years. He' been in care most of the time. I' m just so tired of being in the wrong and feeling upset all the time. I don't know if I want to see the one grandchild I'm allowed to see..or not? I've had a rough time with my second knee replacement which has taken a long time to heal. We going go the UK anyway and seeing shows and lots of friends...do I try and see the gd and possibly upset my loving dh...or not and upset my ds further? Sorry it's long and a moan. Getting back to your original statement: "Not sure what I should do" I suggest looking long and hard at how your personal choices have affected your children and realize that your actions have caused both damage and pain to the most innocent parties in the whole situation you and your new Mr. created. I further suggest that you ask them for forgiveness and sincerely apologize to them for those actions. Only after that can you even think about rebuilding relationships with them. I say this as a child of divorce still dealing with my father's infidelity decades after the fact. |
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craftykitten
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,304
Jun 26, 2014 7:39:32 GMT
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Post by craftykitten on May 22, 2018 21:43:56 GMT
You met someone else, moved on really quickly, and then emigrated! These are all big things for children to deal with.
Even as an adult I am still coming to terms with some of the issues around my parents' divorce, 25 years later. Please don't underestimate the strength of feelings that may be involved, even after a long time.
It may not be irreparable but you will have to work hard and acknowledge the hurt - maybe from your divorce or things that have happened later. If you are serious about rebuilding a relationship then you need to offer your children the opportunity to talk, without their stepfather there, and you need to listen and act on what they tell you.
It kind of sounds a little bit like you're ready to give up - if you're not even sure you want to meet your grandchild? And that will be very obvious. I hope you can find a way forward.
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MsKnit
Pearl Clutcher
RefuPea #1406
Posts: 2,648
Jun 26, 2014 19:06:42 GMT
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Post by MsKnit on May 22, 2018 21:46:31 GMT
You chose a man over your children.
It's no surprise that your daughter changed her mind when she was getting ready to wed. She had a man she loved and wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She was gobsmacked that you would have felt the same and walked away. Expect that feeling to have tripled now that she is a mother. Once one knows a mother's love, realizes what unconditional love means, a child will realize their place in a mother's life when they have been abandoned in some way.
Don't whine and wonder why you are going to be expected to climb mountains for forgiveness or never receive such. They owe you nothing.
(From a daughter who was left behind & was brokenhearted when she realized her mother's love was conditional.)
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Post by mom on May 22, 2018 21:57:09 GMT
Just need to add, we didn't cheat before we left our partners! I don't feel any remorse not any need to apologise. My dad was a sailor ....had another family on the side, children by a 3rd lady....perhaps my values are screwed. My first husband wasn't Mr Wonderful. Slightly shocked by some of the responses but making me think. Really? Your kids dont want to have a relationship with you and you can't find one thing to apologize for? Here's a thought: maybe it isn't about what YOU want for once. Maybe you should be thinking about what your kids obviously want/need. SaveSave |
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,970 
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Post by AnotherPea on May 22, 2018 22:02:54 GMT
I just want to say, since the trending view here seems to be that there is no coming back from infidelity, that I come from a home where my parents split up after 28 years of marriage. My father had a girlfriend and left my mother for her. We kids ranged in age from 26 down to 19, and her kids (yes, she was married, too) were even younger. Everyone was mad at them for awhile. Then ya know what? We got over it. The jilted spouses moved on and remarried. All four of the parents involved ended up much happier. We six kids were not mortally wounded, and we moved on with our lives, too. My dad died years ago, and we still have my stepmother. AND her current boyfriend. She can be annoying, but no worse than other relatives. She and my mom get along okay. There are no rules about who can show up where and with whom. To our kids' generation, she is just another grandma. None of them were even born when my parents split up. All this drama may be unnecessary. I only say "may be" because I don't know all the ins and outs of their particular situation. But this pea fixation with never forgiving the spouse who strayed is juvenile, in my view. People are imperfect and they're especially imperfect about love and sex. And adult children who make a bunch of rules for when their parents are allowed to see their children (failing historical abuse or safety issues) are being spoiled brats. They're usually happy to take money and gifts from their aging parents, but still love to be emotionally controlling. OP, however you decide to go with this, I hope you get to see your grandchildren. I agree with a lot of this-the peas do often have a very immature view of cheating and the "other" spouse. Put me on the immature bench then. I’ve found that people who are blasé about such things are usually participants in extramarital affairs. Cheating is horrible and it isn’t a matter of “good people making a mistake. “ |
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MizIndependent
Drama Llama
Quit your bullpoop.
Posts: 5,927
Jun 25, 2014 19:43:16 GMT
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Post by MizIndependent on May 22, 2018 22:08:03 GMT
You chose a man over your children. It's no surprise that your daughter changed her mind when she was getting ready to wed. She had a man she loved and wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She was gobsmacked that you would have felt the same and walked away. Expect that feeling to have tripled now that she is a mother. Once one knows a mother's love, realizes what unconditional love means, a child will realize their place in a mother's life when they have been abandoned in some way. Don't whine and wonder why you are going to be expected to climb mountains for forgiveness or never receive such. They owe you nothing. (From a daughter who was left behind & was brokenhearted when she realized her mother's love was conditional.)
So much this.
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Post by fuji on May 22, 2018 22:56:28 GMT
You chose a man over your children. This. Your 16 year old still needed a mom, and you decided to pick up and move away. You were done parenting. I'm not sure how you thought there wouldn't be issues with that. They aren't asking to never see you again; they just don't want to see your DH. If you aren't willing to do that, then once again you picked him over them. My dad has done similar things. As a parent, I will never understand his decisions. I could write a book, but I'll leave it at that. This isn't simply about kids being immature and petty about a parent in a new relationship. It's very hard on kids when a parent walks away. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:47:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2018 0:01:33 GMT
I' m a 66 year old UK retired lady living in Spain. I original lived in the north oh England with a very domineering dad. He stopped me seeing my current husband when I was 16 and was both physically and mentally abusive. I married my 1st husband at 22 and had a good marriage and full time career with 2 children. I had a few episodes of ill health but all in all I worked hard and was succssful. I felt ok with my first husband although he wasn't over carering. At 49 , my boyfriend from when I was 16 got in touch and despite the fact we were a long distance apart and both married ,within 12 weeks we were together, then married within a year. We moved to Spain about 2 years after we married and I retired with ill health and had ;multiple surgeries. We have a nice income with plenty oftravel. My children were 16 and 21, my husband's were;older at 25 and 28. At first they were all fine. We went out, they stayed over and came to visit us in Spain . Our ex' s were fine as well. Over time this changed. My dd firstly stopped seeing me very suddenly just before she married. We' d always had a bit of a volatile relationship but I'd flown over to help with her dress, the venue etc. Then just as me and dh flew to Australia for a 6 week holiday ( planned since well before the wedding), she said she never wanted to see me again.....and so it went! No wedding for me, no contact and I've never met my first grandson. My ex , as usual, ;didn' "take sides" My ds stayed in touch more but had a drink fuelled argument with dh some 8 years ago and it' ;never really been resoved. We only visit the UK about every year or so, so I just get on with my life..THEN Both ds and dd were to become parents again this spring. First ds had a little girl, ;7 weeks early..shes fine and lovely. Dd is due 14 June. We're having a visit to the UK this June and I asked ds if "we" could visit. ;No problem!! Then this week he starts saying..why is dh coming? Wont it be difficult? Etc etc. My dh now has a similar problem with his younger son...we can't see his gd if I'm there....his elder son died 6 years ago and now his son (age 20) won't see us! We taken him on holiday, supported him over a rough 15 years. He' been in care most of the time. I' m just so tired of being in the wrong and feeling upset all the time. I don't know if I want to see the one grandchild I'm allowed to see..or not? I've had a rough time with my second knee replacement which has taken a long time to heal. We going go the UK anyway and seeing shows and lots of friends...do I try and see the gd and possibly upset my loving dh...or not and upset my ds further? Sorry it's long and a moan. You make it sound as if you're the victim in all of this. Far from you being the victim, you in fact divorced your children too, not just their father when you decided that the grass was greener on the other side.I think you underestimate the affect that rejection has on children when their parents split up and for you then to leave the country was the last straw for them. You daughter might have put on a brave face for the first few years but it catches up with them sooner or later. It obviously did when you decided to go off to Australia for 6 weeks. It sounds as if you have made no attempt to build bridges with your daughter over the years - "We only visit the UK about every year or so, so I just get on with my life"Has your present husband made any attempt to resolve this part of your post ? " My ds stayed in touch more but had a drink fuelled argument with dh some 8 years ago and it' ;never really been resoved. If he hasn't then I can understand why your son is concerned that it might be a difficult situation if you both come to see the new baby. I'm puzzled as to why your husband's grandson was in care for most of his life and yet you say you supported him...in what way if he was in care? He must have been in care for a number of years before his father ( your husband's eldest don) died. Where was his mother? I think you both need to reflect on your past actions then you might begin to understand how it's affected your children and why they are acting the way they are, towards both of you. |
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Post by myshelly on May 23, 2018 0:11:56 GMT
Just need to add, we didn't cheat before we left our partners! I don't feel any remorse not any need to apologise. My dad was a sailor ....had another family on the side, children by a 3rd lady....perhaps my values are screwed. My first husband wasn't Mr Wonderful. Slightly shocked by some of the responses but making me think. Don’t feel any remorse or need to apologize? Holy shit. You sound unbelievably selfish and clueless. I wouldn’t want to have a relationship with you if you were my mother. You put this man and yourself above your family. Above your children. Above your grandchildren. You’re not sorry and then you wonder why you don’t have a relationship with them? |
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Post by kernriver on May 23, 2018 0:14:23 GMT
And ftr, I didn’t invite my father to my wedding. He chose his wife over me. I never even mentioned anything about the wedding. I knew if I invited him he would do one of two things: say he would come and then cancel, or come to the wedding and not stay for the reception (which is what they did for my niece’s wedding) because she wanted to go. 32 yeats later I have no qualms about my decision.
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Post by Zee on May 23, 2018 0:17:26 GMT
I just want to say, since the trending view here seems to be that there is no coming back from infidelity, that I come from a home where my parents split up after 28 years of marriage. My father had a girlfriend and left my mother for her. We kids ranged in age from 26 down to 19, and her kids (yes, she was married, too) were even younger. Everyone was mad at them for awhile. Then ya know what? We got over it. The jilted spouses moved on and remarried. All four of the parents involved ended up much happier. We six kids were not mortally wounded, and we moved on with our lives, too. My dad died years ago, and we still have my stepmother. AND her current boyfriend. She can be annoying, but no worse than other relatives. She and my mom get along okay. There are no rules about who can show up where and with whom. To our kids' generation, she is just another grandma. None of them were even born when my parents split up. All this drama may be unnecessary. I only say "may be" because I don't know all the ins and outs of their particular situation. But this pea fixation with never forgiving the spouse who strayed is juvenile, in my view. People are imperfect and they're especially imperfect about love and sex. And adult children who make a bunch of rules for when their parents are allowed to see their children (failing historical abuse or safety issues) are being spoiled brats. They're usually happy to take money and gifts from their aging parents, but still love to be emotionally controlling. OP, however you decide to go with this, I hope you get to see your grandchildren. I agree with a lot of this-the peas do often have a very immature view of cheating and the "other" spouse. I think you're over-simplifying the real issue, which is not just an infidelity. It's that she left her children, and they're obviously not ok with it. She wanted opinions, she's getting them. If it's immature to consider how actions affect children, call me immature. |
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Post by myshelly on May 23, 2018 0:28:41 GMT
I just want to say, since the trending view here seems to be that there is no coming back from infidelity, that I come from a home where my parents split up after 28 years of marriage. My father had a girlfriend and left my mother for her. We kids ranged in age from 26 down to 19, and her kids (yes, she was married, too) were even younger. Everyone was mad at them for awhile. Then ya know what? We got over it. The jilted spouses moved on and remarried. All four of the parents involved ended up much happier. We six kids were not mortally wounded, and we moved on with our lives, too. My dad died years ago, and we still have my stepmother. AND her current boyfriend. She can be annoying, but no worse than other relatives. She and my mom get along okay. There are no rules about who can show up where and with whom. To our kids' generation, she is just another grandma. None of them were even born when my parents split up. All this drama may be unnecessary. I only say "may be" because I don't know all the ins and outs of their particular situation. But this pea fixation with never forgiving the spouse who strayed is juvenile, in my view. People are imperfect and they're especially imperfect about love and sex. And adult children who make a bunch of rules for when their parents are allowed to see their children (failing historical abuse or safety issues) are being spoiled brats. They're usually happy to take money and gifts from their aging parents, but still love to be emotionally controlling. OP, however you decide to go with this, I hope you get to see your grandchildren. I agree with a lot of this-the peas do often have a very immature view of cheating and the "other" spouse. I’m not sure what fucked up belief system you have that viewing cheating as wrong is “immature”. The OP didn’t just cheat. She walked away from her family and moved to a different damn country. When you are selfish enough to cheat you should take the judgment, anger, and estrangement that comes with it. |
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Post by lucyg on May 23, 2018 0:59:51 GMT
I agree with a lot of this-the peas do often have a very immature view of cheating and the "other" spouse. I’m not sure what fucked up belief system you have that viewing cheating as wrong is “immature”. The OP didn’t just cheat. She walked away from her family and moved to a different damn country. When you are selfish enough to cheat you should take the judgment, anger, and estrangement that comes with it. Nowhere did I say that viewing cheating as wrong is immature. That is your chosen interpretation of what I said so you can feel pissy about it. What I said (short and clear this time) is that holding onto that anger for the rest of your parents' lifetime, and maybe your own, and punishing them by refusing to see them or denying them access to their grandchildren is, indeed, juvenile. Creating additional drama and hurt that makes everyone feel needlessly worse. I do agree with others, I hope the OP can find it in her heart to apologize to her children for hurting them/deserting them if that's what they need to hear, even if she has no regrets. And to AnotherPea , despite your insinuation that I must be a cheater myself, the answer is no. That was such a nasty little thing to say. I assume you're proud of yourself.  |
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Post by myshelly on May 23, 2018 1:15:09 GMT
I’m not sure what fucked up belief system you have that viewing cheating as wrong is “immature”. The OP didn’t just cheat. She walked away from her family and moved to a different damn country. When you are selfish enough to cheat you should take the judgment, anger, and estrangement that comes with it. Nowhere did I say that viewing cheating as wrong is immature. That is your chosen interpretation of what I said so you can feel pissy about it. What I said (short and clear this time) is that holding onto that anger for the rest of your parents' lifetime, and maybe your own, and punishing them by refusing to see them or denying them access to their grandchildren is, indeed, juvenile. Creating additional drama and hurt that makes everyone feel needlessly worse. I do agree with others, I hope the OP can find it in her heart to apologize to her children for hurting them/deserting them if that's what they need to hear, even if she has no regrets. And to AnotherPea , despite your insinuation that I must be a cheater myself, the answer is no. That was such a nasty little thing to say. I assume you're proud of yourself. I didn’t quote you. I was responding to not2peased, who did use the word immature. I didn’t read all of what you wrote because I didn’t agree with it. |
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Post by mustlovecats on May 23, 2018 1:18:28 GMT
I agree with a lot of this-the peas do often have a very immature view of cheating and the "other" spouse. I’m not sure what fucked up belief system you have that viewing cheating as wrong is “immature”. The OP didn’t just cheat. She walked away from her family and moved to a different damn country. When you are selfish enough to cheat you should take the judgment, anger, and estrangement that comes with it. I agree in a sense. I think about one of my parents up and moving to another country... or my spouse doing that and leaving our family, whether I’m Ms Wonderful or not... and I imagine myself harboring an intense and justifiable resentment. On the other hand... people do screw up. My god, how we screw up sometimes. It’s unbelievable what we can come up with to do. See also, up and moved to another country leaving a 16yo child behind to marry your high school boyfriend. Which I can’t comprehend. But... life is really short and resentment is really damaging. It becomes generational and the damage done to others can be significant. I believe that healing in a family often requires letting go of some of the most justifiable resentment. In this case... grandparents matter to children. Maybe that’s a connection worth restoring. Perhaps there is a time to let the family history be what it is. It can’t be undone and if each party’s children don’t want to see their stepparent that may mean there is still resentment that it would be healthy to resolve, if for no other reason than it can’t benefit the grandchildren this arrangement. I’m not saying this is nothing. I recently watched a friend have an affair, divorce her spouse, and marry the man with whom she had had the affair... and he was also married and left his wife and has very young children. I am not always sure how she can continue to be my friend after this. I judge it. But it is past now and it is not as if the situation could even be rectified anyway, all I can do now is care about her and her family and hope that healing occurs with time. I will never be soft on crime when it comes to infidelity. Yet it cannot be undone and life must move forward. |
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Post by Lexica on May 23, 2018 1:36:34 GMT
If I were in your situation, I would go to see the grandchild and contact your daughter to see if you can visit her too. Go by yourself and ask what you can do to get your relationship back on track with each of your children. I would hope your husband would do the same with his. As you repair the relationships, hopefully walls will come down and your children will accept your husband and his will accept you. Work toward this and if they refuse to budge, at least you tried. I’m with Lucy that they are behaving childishly and should just let it go already, but that is up to them. I hope they all come around.
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Post by lucyg on May 23, 2018 1:40:36 GMT
Nowhere did I say that viewing cheating as wrong is immature. That is your chosen interpretation of what I said so you can feel pissy about it. What I said (short and clear this time) is that holding onto that anger for the rest of your parents' lifetime, and maybe your own, and punishing them by refusing to see them or denying them access to their grandchildren is, indeed, juvenile. Creating additional drama and hurt that makes everyone feel needlessly worse. I do agree with others, I hope the OP can find it in her heart to apologize to her children for hurting them/deserting them if that's what they need to hear, even if she has no regrets. And to AnotherPea , despite your insinuation that I must be a cheater myself, the answer is no. That was such a nasty little thing to say. I assume you're proud of yourself. I didn’t quote you. I was responding to not2peased, who did use the word immature. I didn’t read all of what you wrote because I didn’t agree with it. Okay. I’m sorry. |
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Post by myshelly on May 23, 2018 1:42:11 GMT
I’m not sure what fucked up belief system you have that viewing cheating as wrong is “immature”. The OP didn’t just cheat. She walked away from her family and moved to a different damn country. When you are selfish enough to cheat you should take the judgment, anger, and estrangement that comes with it. I agree in a sense. I think about one of my parents up and moving to another country... or my spouse doing that and leaving our family, whether I’m Ms Wonderful or not... and I imagine myself harboring an intense and justifiable resentment. On the other hand... people do screw up. My god, how we screw up sometimes. It’s unbelievable what we can come up with to do. See also, up and moved to another country leaving a 16yo child behind to marry your high school boyfriend. Which I can’t comprehend. But... life is really short and resentment is really damaging. It becomes generational and the damage done to others can be significant. I believe that healing in a family often requires letting go of some of the most justifiable resentment. In this case... grandparents matter to children. Maybe that’s a connection worth restoring. Perhaps there is a time to let the family history be what it is. It can’t be undone and if each party’s children don’t want to see their stepparent that may mean there is still resentment that it would be healthy to resolve, if for no other reason than it can’t benefit the grandchildren this arrangement. I’m not saying this is nothing. I recently watched a friend have an affair, divorce her spouse, and marry the man with whom she had had the affair... and he was also married and left his wife and has very young children. I am not always sure how she can continue to be my friend after this. I judge it. But it is past now and it is not as if the situation could even be rectified anyway, all I can do now is care about her and her family and hope that healing occurs with time. I will never be soft on crime when it comes to infidelity. Yet it cannot be undone and life must move forward. But look at the OP’s attitude in subsequent posts. She had no remorse and doesn’t feel like she should apologize to her children. It’s one thing to screw up. It’s another thing entirely to refuse to take responsibility for it and actively work on repairing the relationships you messed up. |
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,836
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on May 23, 2018 1:49:30 GMT
I'm having a really hard time with 'the children are being childish' line of thought. Mom walked OUT on them. Chose another life without them. Moved to another country. Then DD plans a wedding and "oops...I have a vacation planned, mommy can't be there" WTF? Who does that?! And she does not feel the least bit of resentment or need to apologize. But her feelings are hurt because things aren't going HER way? Too fucking bad.
Like several others, this hits pretty close to home. My mom chose and continues to choose just about everything/everybody other than her children.
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Post by fuji on May 23, 2018 1:54:17 GMT
I'm having a really hard time with 'the children are being childish' line of thought. Mom walked OUT on them. Chose another life without them. Moved to another country. Then DD plans a wedding and "oops...I have a vacation planned, mommy can't be there" WTF? Who does that?! And she does not feel the least bit of resentment or need to apologize. But her feelings are hurt because things aren't going HER way? Too fucking bad. Like several others, this hits pretty close to home. My mom chose and continues to choose just about everything/everybody other than her children. Exactly. |
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