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Post by lesserknownpea on Jun 29, 2018 7:31:35 GMT
If the wording of my title seems disrespectful to anyone, please let me know what you would like to change it to.
My dearest, sweetest cousin just tried to kill himself. It was a serious attempt, and he’s only alive because my aunt needed help with something and went into his room. It was a close call, a few more minutes and it would have been too late.
I knew he wasn’t dealing well lately. He told me his anxiety was destroying him, and asked about my experience with therapy. He said he was getting help and swore me to secrecy. I found out today that his dr put him on Prozac a couple weeks ago.
My cousin has endured so much trauma and spent his whole life keeping his hurt in and putting a smile over it. ( we’re a lot alike that way) from his infancy he’s been so special to me because I see the sweetheart he is. Handsome and charming, he reminds you of Chandler Bing from Friends.
He’s been drinking more and more. He lives with my elderly and disabled aunt, and she has gotten more and more difficult to care for. His older brother took his life also with pills almost exactly 11 years ago. Two other sibs live out of state and are no help with my aunt.
He’ll be in treatment for at least 6 weeks, first for the anxiety, then the alcohol addiction.
When my aunt described finding him like that, I flashed back to finding my 14YO DD and the whole process at the hospital. Worst day of my life ( and I’ve had a few). I am so grateful that 20 years later she’s so much better.
I’ve never attempted. Came very, very close as a teen. But in the end chose to stick it out. So I have a lot of empathy for the pain people are in when they just want it to stop.
I’m incredibly thankful my cousin’s attempt was not successful, and will be praying for a genuine recovery for him, and a life free from this emotional pain.
I’ll be spending all day helping my aunt tomorrow. I might get to see cousin, but not sure.
UPDATE: I got to see him today for several hours. They’re still watching his lungs and heart, and then he heads to the detox area.
He’s ready to try. We talked a lot about being real and admitting we can’t do it all our selves, and not pressuring ourselves to make everybody else happy. He’s already being the charming, joking, considerate patient. And they have to have someone in his room with him 24/7, which is driving him nuts because he usually needs his alone time. That’s the only time he’s not “on”.
My aunt is so worried, so I spent several hours letting her just talk, that’s what she really needed.
I’m exhausted now. But I feel better after talking with him. I think he really wants to recover.
Thanks for the thoughtful replies to my post. And to depressed and anxious Peas: use this wonderful resource here. Let us know if you need help. Don’t blame yourself !( that’s what cousin is doing). There are many factors that play into emotional pain. No one is immune. But the biggest help is from those who’ve BTDT, and remember what it feels like.
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Post by busy on Jun 29, 2018 8:02:00 GMT
I’m so sorry your cousin is in so much pain and I hope he is able to get the treatment he needs and recover. I’m happy to hear your daughter is doing so much better now, but can’t imagine how devastating that must have been. ((Hugs)) to you.
When I was sophomore in college, my roommate attempted suicide by taking an entire bottle of painkillers that had been prescribed to me after I broke my sternum and three ribs in a car accident. I spent two hours looking for her on a February night in Minnesota (others, including campus police, were also looking for her). I found her, unconscious and barely alive, in a snow bank. She was hospitalized for several days, but made a full physical recovery. She withdrew from school for the year and came back the next year, but still struggled mightily with depression. It was a horribly sad and traumatic situation.
After that, I was sure I could never possibly get to that point, if for no other reason than what it did to those of us who loved her. But not even two years later, I was in a very similar situation one night. I stopped short - barely - of taking the pills, but mostly because I wasn’t sure if I had enough to ensure I wouln’t survive. The web didn’t exist then, so I decided to wait until the next day so I could go to the library and do some research on how much I needed. I ended up going to the counseling center on campus, giving them the pills, and getting help. I left school, got treatment, etc.
I’ve never come that close again but have had serious suicidal thoughts more than once since then. It’s been quite a number of years since the last time, but depression is still something I will deal with the rest of my life. I hope I don’t get to that point again. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
My heart goes out to anyone who deals with this monster themselves or with a loved one. It’s awful, beyond painful, and terrifying.
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Post by myboysnme on Jun 29, 2018 14:07:02 GMT
Yes but I was young and didn't do it 'right.' And it was not well thought out or even something I really understood at the time.
I have thought about it since but it means my medication needs adjustment or a bump.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jun 29, 2018 14:27:01 GMT
No, but one of my siblings died of an accidental overdose when I was young so I saw firsthand the devastation that is left behind when someone passes away suddenly like that. I could never put my mother through the pain of losing another child. Hugs to you and your cousin lesserknownpea, I hope he is able to get the help he needs.  |
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Post by dewryce on Jun 29, 2018 14:29:34 GMT
How scary, I'm very sorry and glad your aunt walked in when she did! I hope he makes a full recovery and is able to find treatment that works so he never feels like this is his best and/or only option again.
I have not have a plan, and didn't feel enough about anything to even want to die, but I did reach a point towards the beginning of my battle with bipolar disorder where I truly felt my husband and mother's lives would be better off without me. When I recognized that thought and how dangerous it was, I told DH when he got home that evening and we were seated at my doctor's office first thing the next morning.
More recently, while living in a great amount of pain for a long time, I was finally able to understand the mentality of not being able to face living the rest of my life in this kind of pain. Again, no plan and no desire, but I finally truly understood the mentality and that was absolutely terrifying.
I know how very fortunate, and frankly lucky I am that I recognized the warning signs/thoughts for what they were when I was mentally able and willing to do something about them that first time. And that my knew to take husband such immediate action. I still have immense guilt for putting him through that.
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Post by giatocj on Jun 29, 2018 14:57:47 GMT
No, I have not, but I lost a young nephew to suicide 12 years ago.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jun 29, 2018 15:01:14 GMT
Yes. More than once.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,316
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jun 29, 2018 15:02:57 GMT
I watched my mother wrestle razor blades out of the hand of her baby brother when I was 14. He came to our house with his wrists cut, and tried to cut his neck. He was twice her size. He is no longer here, died of exposure after drinking too much and passed out on the side of the road in winter.
My dearest friend in the world lost her husband to a self inflicted gun shot to the head just a couple years ago.
I operate a business where I deal with this issue quite regularly. I am so thankfully that all the clients I have will call or text me when they have suicidal thoughts, or start hearing voices again. I am thankful that our local ER takes me very seriously when I bring anyone in for a crisis intervention.
I went through a terrible stage as a teenager where I was teased and made fun of and excluded for about 18months. I never considered suicide but I had a terrible sense of self worth and I wonder what might of happened had something not changed for me. I joined a youth group that had great leadership training and I went to camps every summer from 13 to 18 and I gained a lot of self confidence then. That sense of self worth/confidence broke the cycle I was in. But when you are treated terrible, and have low self esteem it's hard to see anything positive.
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,849 
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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Post by hannahruth on Jun 29, 2018 15:12:27 GMT
No I haven't and my heart goes out to those in that situation who have.
To be in such pain and despair that suicide seems to be the only way out must be so overwhelming.
I have had 'bad' days but certainly nothing that would lead me along this path.
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Mystie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,300
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Post by Mystie on Jun 29, 2018 15:33:01 GMT
I haven't but I've pondered it quite often, more just wishing I didn't exist, and less in concrete terms of making that happen. I have beloved family and friends who need me to be here, and that's what has kept me from ever thinking seriously about it.
The teenage son of one of my dear friends took his life several years ago, and witnessing the aftermath of that convinced me once and for all that it should not be anything I should think seriously about. I wouldn't wish the pain of his parents and brother on anyone.
And about a year after that, my cousin took his life at age 28. He had suffered with crippling depression, which runs in our family, for such a long time that I confess a small part of me felt relieved that his pain was over. But he was a brilliant and kind person who had so much to give the world, and I am so sad that he wasn't able to find the help he needed.
Every suicide I hear about shakes me deep down. I haven't been at that level of despair, but I have certainly glimpsed it, and its terrifying when someone, anyone, succumbs to it.
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Jun 29, 2018 16:47:25 GMT
I have. I was a teenager trying to escape a threatened turn to an abusive situation. I would tell you now, that it was more a cry for help than a true desire to end it all but yes I did make the attempt. I have thought about it more times than anyone will ever know in the last 6 years and I fight it often.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jun 29, 2018 16:50:53 GMT
I have. I was a teenager trying to escape a threatened turn to an abusive situation. I would tell you now, that it was more a cry for help than a true desire to end it all but yes I did make the attempt. I have thought about it more times than anyone will ever know in the last 6 years and I fight it often. I’m so sorry that you’re still suffering. We here in PeaLand are here and glad you are too. |
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Post by SockMonkey on Jun 29, 2018 16:52:55 GMT
I haven't, but I just want to give BIG HUGE HUGS to those of you who have, or who live with mental illness. You matter!
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Post by dewryce on Jun 29, 2018 16:55:55 GMT
I have. I was a teenager trying to escape a threatened turn to an abusive situation. I would tell you now, that it was more a cry for help than a true desire to end it all but yes I did make the attempt. I have thought about it more times than anyone will ever know in the last 6 years and I fight it often. If you, or any other pea regardless of our interactions on this board, are there and need someone to talk with or even just vent to or a shoulder to cry on, please feel free to peamail me. I'm often up late nights as well. You're worth the fight. |
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Post by busy on Jun 29, 2018 17:00:11 GMT
I have. I was a teenager trying to escape a threatened turn to an abusive situation. I would tell you now, that it was more a cry for help than a true desire to end it all but yes I did make the attempt. I have thought about it more times than anyone will ever know in the last 6 years and I fight it often. If you, or any other pea regardless of our interactions on this board, are there and need someone to talk with or even just vent to or a shoulder to cry on, please feel free to peamail me. I'm often up late nights as well. You're worth the fight. I echo dewryce's sentiments. I may not be the warmest and fuzziest pea, but I promise I'm actually pretty nice and a good listener. And I have great empathy for people struggling with depression and other mental illness. I'm always here for anyone who needs to talk. |
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Post by scrapmaven on Jun 29, 2018 17:04:16 GMT
There is a fine line between, "I don't want to live like this" and "I want to die".
There is always a pea who will listen 24/7. That's the great thing about being here. No one ever has to feel alone.
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,718
Location: Ohio
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Post by StephDRebel on Jun 29, 2018 17:19:42 GMT
I have.
Sleeping pills were my method. I wanted to go to sleep and just not wake up and was hoping people would just think it was an overdose.
I woke up feeling like an even bigger failure because I didn't even do that right.
I'm grateful that it served as a starting point for finding help.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jun 29, 2018 17:23:40 GMT
I'm grateful that it served as a starting point for finding help. That’s what I’m hoping for my cousin. After a lifetime of putting his needs last, I wish him the strength to start anew. You, Steph, are an example of turning around the suffering and we are all glad you did. |
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Post by Zee on Jun 29, 2018 17:30:57 GMT
I have never even considered it until after my mastectomy and right after my cat died. I felt so depressed and like I'd never feel good again. I was in a lot of pain and just felt like life was a battle I was tired of fighting.
I never made any plans or attempts but I remember my husband taking me hiking to try and cheer me up and I thought how nice it might be to just step off the cliff and be done with it all.
But I figured I'd probably only break my neck and become paralyzed for the rest of my life, or else I'd die but my husband would be accused of murder (too much ID Channel!).
So I have some small inkling of what a dark place someone can be in.
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Post by bc2ca on Jun 29, 2018 17:31:34 GMT
{{{hugs}}} to you all
I've been touched by family and friends who have either attempted or successfully taken their lives.
Long ago I seriously thought about disappearing and starting over somewhere else. In the days before the internet it seemed like a doable option.
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Post by lesley on Jun 29, 2018 17:48:21 GMT
I have mentioned before how my DD made many, many attempts to take her own life. The first few times were so traumatic, and while we never got used to it, we found a way to deal with it. There have been several times in my life where I have wanted not to exist anymore, but I have never made a plan. At Samaritans (the national phone helpline where I volunteer) one of the things we ask suicidal callers is if they really want to die, or if they just want a way out of their current circumstances. So many people find themselves in almost intolerable situations and cannot see any options other than suicide. We try and help them identify what alternative action might be available. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we don’t. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 29, 2018 18:04:33 GMT
I almost didn't open up this thread today. I don't know how all of you deal, but I have to deal with it by shoving my worry to the very back of my mind and some days I'm strong enough to face it and some days I just have to ignore the worry that is constantly in my mind. I have had a plan to kill myself 3 times. Never have I attempted it. Each time, I think of what life would be like for my children and I just can't do it. I might not be the best mom or the mom they want, but in the grand scheme of things, I'm all they've got and that keeps me going. There are days that I just have to go to bed and tell myself that tomorrow is a fresh start. And that is what I cling to on my worst days. Sleep is a great healer.
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Post by kkrenn on Jun 29, 2018 18:32:59 GMT
Yes a couple of times.
Once was due to a medication I was taking.
Another, I took 26 60mg Oxycodone and hoped I wouldn't wake up. I don't think anyone ever really knew. I told my doctor and we changed my medications and limited their availability. I now have an internal pain pump and no longer control the amount of pain medicine I receive which is a huge relief.
I've taken an entire bottle of OTC sleeping pills.
Obviously, I was unsuccessful. I still struggle with the darkness but I try harder to reach out and thankfully my husband and my best friend keep closer tabs on me now.
I am so sorry for all the people affected by suicide.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,891
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Jun 29, 2018 18:38:37 GMT
I was actively planning it around this time last year. I didn't get the point of the attempt.
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Post by workingclassdog on Jun 29, 2018 18:54:37 GMT
There were times I thought I just didn't want to live... and I think once I took some kind of over the counter sleeping pills but probably not even close enough to even come close to overdosing. It was more of a pity party for me.. probably over some guy. I can't really remember. 99% of the time I am fine, just once and a blue moon if things are really bad I might think to myself I am worth more dead than alive... but nothing close to really be serious about it. Does everyone have thoughts like that once in awhile?
I don't know anyone close that has taken their own life.. thankfully.
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Post by birukitty on Jun 29, 2018 19:01:43 GMT
I haven't but I understand the desire when someone is in the midst of depression or in chronic pain and depression. I had what was diagnosed as treatment resistant depression for 10 years before getting cured with a blood test that determined it was actually caused by a genetic defect that prevented my body from getting B12 from regular sources. If that goes on long enough you get depression. Anyway, that depression put me into a catatonic state but it didn't make me sad or to the point that I wanted to kill myself. I just didn't care about anything at all.
There are different types of depression and people have different experiences within those types. I never really understood the desire behind wanting to kill oneself except as a way of escape until we had the recent Kate Moss here. A Pea said that people who kill themselves see it as a way of lifting the burden from their families. All of a sudden I got it. Before I'd thought of course they are extremely ill and don't "get it" at the time how they are hurting their families. But what that Pea said suddenly made everything crystal clear. I've spoken of my sister and her chronic pain a few times on here. She speaks of suicide here and there. She also adds "I'm such a burden to everyone. It would be a relief for everyone" She means in our family. I am very close to her so I tell her I understand her wanting to stop the pain, but that she isn't a burden at all. That we all love her and would be devastated if she left us.
Jeremysgirl and anyone else on this board who wants to reach and needs someone to talk to-I'm usually here on the board every day from 5 pm until about 8 pm. I'd be more than happy to talk to any Pea who needs someone to chat with, a shoulder to cry on, anything you need.
And for everyone dealing with a mental illness-I'm sending you lots of hugs! I know it can be very difficult. You matter so much in this world!
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Post by Delta Dawn on Jun 29, 2018 20:34:44 GMT
Hi I hate to do this because I know your intentions are good, but I find it upsetting. I struggle with living sometimes and seeing it on the front page upsets me. I can't be the only one either. If you wouldn't mind would you please change it to something else? The Peas know of my most recent attempt and I just can't go back to that point right now.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jun 30, 2018 0:17:56 GMT
I agree with Delta Dawn, there's been a *lot* of suicide talk lately. It's just too much. |
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bethany102399
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,859
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Post by bethany102399 on Jun 30, 2018 1:08:43 GMT
I went through a terrible stage as a teenager where I was teased and made fun of and excluded for about 18months. I never considered suicide but I had a terrible sense of self worth and I wonder what might of happened had something not changed for me. I joined a youth group that had great leadership training and I went to camps every summer from 13 to 18 and I gained a lot of self confidence then. That sense of self worth/confidence broke the cycle I was in. But when you are treated terrible, and have low self esteem it's hard to see anything positive. Are you from Ks by chance? I have a very similar story, and also wound up attending church camp at that time. It literally saved my life, while I had no active plans to hurt myself if I had stayed in the environment I was in without the camp outlet I would certainly have tried. I'm still friends today with people I knew from that group. OP, I'm so sorry for your cousin and aunt. Depression is a horrid disease. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 19:32:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2018 3:16:57 GMT
I wanted to. I did the math on how many pills I'd have to take and what to drink. I didn't have a script for sleep aid so the strongest thing I had was OTC meds. I figured I'd have to take more than I was willing to take so just drank myself silly, said something stupid to an ex, and found myself with the worse hangover I had in a long time. Went into therapy after that, dealt with some dark thoughts as I worked through things.
Found my trigger and moved on away from it. I look forward to the day I'm completely free of it.
I still struggle with other issues. I question if I need meds or more therapy. I still have days where I feel worthless, crappy, sad but no longer have that voice saying "just go away."
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