I have just earned Biggest Bitch of the Year Award (update)

Sorry for your loss. You need to take care of you so NO don’t call your mom and apologize. She owes you one. You’re a good daughter and not going to hell. I lost it on my 64 year old mom tonight and it was a long time coming. I feel bad, but I said things that needed to be said. I’ve been tiptoeing around for too long.

A thousand times, this! Happens in lots of families. Let your sister pack her shit and move in for the next 8 months. That'll change her perspective.

Your mother does not have the right to treat anyone this way. Yes, she's grieving, but that's no excuse to be awful. Your father should have stepped up to the plate years ago, but did not. Now you have to do that job. Don't feel guilt. Your sister can judge all she wants, but she's not living it 24/7. If your mother is going to be abusive then she will live alone. It's her choice to change or not. You can offer emotional support from a distance. Change is hard and you might be the first person to really call your mother on her obnoxious behavior. Of course, she's going to be furious and hurt. She has been able to get away w/it all of these years. Now she has been caught. This is her story to tell. Stick to your guns. You have your own life and babysitting your mother is not necessary. She can take care of herself. Don't enable her by going back there.

Hugs.

My condolences on your father's passing.





Stop a moment and absorb those two statements.

Your family has known that you were being treated poorly while you were not only going to great effort to be there for your parents, but also while you yourself were grieving.

What did your sister think would happen? That you were immune to being human?

The most patient among us gets worn down. Your family should have expected you to reach your limit. Did no one realize just how little down time you have had? Did you? You wouldn't work that hard at a job and expect not to become exhausted. Care-giving is draining work.



Your sister is grieving too. She isn't superhuman either. It will help to remember that and maybe it will help you get over your unhappiness with her just a little faster.

I know you must have some crazy strong and maybe even conflicting emotions right now. The new dynamic with your mother must create a lot of stress. Blow-ups are going to happen. Accept that and try to move past them quickly if you can.

You are not a bitch. If anything, you have been a saint. Your mom and sister, are the ones who should be apologising to you, and you should tell them that. It is time for you to stand up for yourself. Your mother does not get a pass just because she's old, not when she's been an abusive bitch to everyone her whole life. It was about time someone stood up to her. Do not feel guilty!!! Just because she brought you into this world, does not give her the right to abuse you.

Not going to hell.

I agree with everyone else. You need to tell you sibs that this is untenable and she'll have to step up.

I would, however, apologize. I wouldn't MEAN the apology - it would be totally fake, for appearances, and to better take control of/ manipulate the situation - but I'd do it. If you don't give a convincing fake apology, it could make Christmas more difficult. And it'll definitely make it tougher to get sister to step up and ensure you don't get full burden of mom's care.

You say you have three siblings.Where are they in all of this? Are they helping out as well?

I'm sorry for your loss! I don't think you're a bitch at all, you've put up with a lot i'm sure. What you described sounds just like my mother and father. Basically we've put up with her to have a relationship with him because she runs the show.

And I completely agree with Lainey's statement. I stood up to my mom, which didn't go over well with her. Funny thing happened, my sister doesn't speak to me now and I think a big part of that was she now has to step up where she'd been sitting back letting me deal with her all along.

Since you stood up and said something, i'd definitely stand your ground and remind her to treat you nicely if she isn't when you're helping her.  Good luck.

I don't think you did anything wrong.

It happens and difficult parents are difficult people and just like the rest of us you reap what you sow.

That said, you might want to have her checked for Alzheimers. As my father aged he got meaner and ruder and a real pita to be around. He also got more sexual making inappropriate comments to women. It was gross.

He passed away a month ago. It was only in the last couple of months that we realized how much of an impact Alzheimers was playing in my fathers mood and personality. Once we were aware of it.. it was MUCH easier to deal with. The social worker gave us a lot of ideas and it really helped.

My Dad was never a super nice guy.. aging brought out the worst in him.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope your siblings support you and all you are doing for your mom.

God bless you! You did nothing wrong and your sister needs to go and help then.  You have done your share.    (I moved both my parents in with me, my wonderful dad (82) and my ....mom (76).  I am learning to set boundaries and walk away when I am not being treated well) 

This is exactly what I thought. Your sister is mad because now she’s in the cross hairs. Let her stew for a few weeks and see what you’ve been dealing with.

Your family sitting by and watching you get shit on and not sticking up for you is messed up.

If you apologize for yelling is your mom going to hear that you still mean the words you said? Or will she focus that you admitted you were wrong period? If she’s like my mom, she’ll just pretend nothing happened.

You deserve a vacation and time with your immediate family. I’d use that excuse to limit contact during the holidays. If your husband has time off, I’d work around spending time with him. You need to take care of yourself, too.

I’m sorry you lost your dad.

The fact that you think you are the biggest bitch in the world and ask if you are going to hell over this long-overdue come to jesus moment tells me that you are indeed the whipping post in the dysfunctional family dynamics.

You know that your mother is unreasonable, demanding, and manipulative. That your father's capitulation to this behavior set up a lifelong pattern of bending over and giving her the whip.

You are at a crossroads.

You can go down the path of appeasement and accept the lashings.

Or you can set boundaries, enforce them, and stop the pattern.

That says a lot...good for you in deciding to take a step back.