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Post by KelleeM on Dec 29, 2018 13:03:25 GMT
I’m curious about this topic. I have an ex husband that I worked really hard to maintain a decent relationship with for 20 years. There was an incident a few months ago which lead to me deciding I’ll never be in the same room with him again. He was at my home for our granddaughter’s birthday the past two years. He recently asked dd what we’re planning for her birthday this year and dd told him that he’s not welcome in our home ever again. He seemed surprised she said. Our children are adults, 24 and 28, and one lives with each of us.
My husband has been married several times. His second ex wife passed away earlier this year. He hadn’t seen her in many years (20+). Their son asked him to go see her a day or two before she passed. He asked me if I minded (of course I didn’t) and she was really pleased to see him. Their son believes she was waiting to say goodbye to him...she had never stopped loving him.
In May of this year his first ex wife’s husband passed away. Their two sons went to Florida to help her pack up her home and move her here. She lives with their younger son. Dh and I see her on occasion and she went to Christmas Eve at my brother-in-law’s house. She does a lot of crafts and gave me a gift she had made. Yesterday I took a photo of it (it’s a tissue box cover) in its new home and texted it to my son and asked him to thank her for me and show her how well it matches my powder room. He texted back and told me how much it means to him that well all have such a good relationship. It lead to a long conversation about exes.
I know sometimes there are very difficult and painful situations with exes. What’s your experience?
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Post by mom on Dec 29, 2018 13:10:10 GMT
I do not have a good relationship with my ex. He is a narcissist, angry and very manipulative. I, do, however, get along great with his parents, siblings and their family.
Edited to add - we can be in the same room. We both go to our son's events. We just are not friends.
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 29, 2018 13:22:14 GMT
DS and his ex work very hard to remain cordial for the sake of their two minor children. I think she's a saint at times!
We have pretty close to a parent/child relationship with his ex. Her mother passed away years ago and her dad is not able to give her much attention.
I certainly understand sometimes having a good relationship with an ex is not possible. It takes both parties to create that relationship.
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Post by Linda on Dec 29, 2018 13:38:00 GMT
my father and his ex-wife had a cordial relationship - enough so that my younger sister and I (from marriage #2) knew her and considered her our step-mum. She didn't remarry until after Dad died - they had separated when my older sister was 5 but didn't divorce until Dad was about to remarry when my sister was 18 (she turned 19 the day before my parents married). Dad died 20 years later.
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,400
Jun 17, 2016 12:36:53 GMT
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Post by ashley on Dec 29, 2018 13:49:07 GMT
Things are still pretty new here for us (I threw him out about 1.5 years ago). The first year was awful, but he was drinking and being arrested and was living in our car for several months, he was absconding with my money, etc. I didn’t attend his father’s funeral a year ago because things were still so volatile. Last spring he emailed me and said he was going to stop sending financial support and take me to court so I could pay him for his suffering for being separated from his children (and claimed after ten minutes in court with me the judge would also be driven to drink and rule in my ex’s favour). Over the past six months or so things have improved — actually, since I took the kids shopping for birthday gifts for him in the summer. Now he can come to the house and we can see each other, we’ve even had dinner together as a family a couple times. I’m hopeful that this will continue. Our children are young enough it would benefit everyone if we could be in the same room together on occasion — like for graduations, birthday parties. We mentioned possibly sharing Christmas morning together again in the future.
He was always a really good dad so anything I can do to make sure he can still have a good relationship with our girls is very important to me. I am hopeful he feels the same way.
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Post by doxiesx3 on Dec 29, 2018 13:49:22 GMT
I have a unique relationship with my ex-husband. He was my high school sweetheart and the love of my life. Military life took it toll on him and during a 10 month deployment, he cheated. He stopped all communication with me the rest of the deployment. He never let me know homecoming details, no contact, changed bank information so I had no money...until he showed up at home on our wedding anniversary to tell me he filed for divorce.
I have every reason to hate him. I could have ruined his and her military careers but I didn’t. I thought of my kids and our lives going forward. My ex and I shared a lawyer, did our own child support and visitation agreement. I live in our home that he pays the mortgage on in exchange for him to be able to come here for visitation with the kids. The first year, it was horrible. I hated seeing him every other weekend. Now, it’s not so bad. He comes to visit, does yard work, anything I ask.
My ex married the girl he cheated with and that was a bit rough for us but it was to be expected. My kids have never met her and have no desire to. He asks but does not push them to meet her.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 16, 2024 14:10:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2018 14:09:06 GMT
The last time I was in a room with my ex was at court. I have not had any contact with him before that date as everything went through my lawyer nor have I had contact with him since. He threatened to "make me disappear and no one would ever find me" 14 years later the thought of being in the same state, much less the same room is still terrifying. Needless to say we have no relationship. It has just been the last couple of years he has stopped harassing our kids about my location and saying things that terrify me.
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scrappington
Pearl Clutcher
in Canada
Posts: 3,139
Jun 26, 2014 14:43:10 GMT
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Post by scrappington on Dec 29, 2018 14:14:17 GMT
My parents were horrible to each other. At my wedding in 2007 it was he first time they had saw each other in 10 years. It was very awkward and didn't go well.
My mom held huge resentment to my dad. Not sure why she's the one that cheated. They both were responsible for their downfall. Dad had a little more grace about it and never bad mouthed mom to me. Mom was a woman scorned again she cheated. Lol.
They were never good with each other and separated many times while I was growing up. It was a huge relief when they finally said they were done.
They both remarried to people no better than what they had with each other.
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Post by Sorrel on Dec 29, 2018 14:17:22 GMT
Both my DH and I were married previously; I have two DDs with my ex, he has one son with his. I have a really good relationship with my ex husband, we share custody and we are very friendly with each other. We just weren’t good as spouses. I think it has really helped our daughters that we coparent well. DH’s ex wife is another story. She is mentally ill, is on husband #4, and over the years has caused an unbelievable amount of drama. We have primary custody of my stepson for this reason. Luckily husband #4 has helped regulate her more insane behaviors, so the last couple of years have been calmer.
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Post by librarylady on Dec 29, 2018 14:20:53 GMT
DH divorced in 1972. We married in 1974. His ex has never remarried. For about 20 years it was some uproar all the time. After a grandchild was born who lived near us, I called and asked ex to spend Thanksgiving all together. She made a big deal out of we have to meet in a neutral place, neither her home nor ours. When DH's brother died she came into our home on a condolence call to his family. After that, she came to our home for Christmas for about 16 years. We had a Thanksgiving lunch at her home twice. Of course, we saw her at grandson's events. She called over here for gardening advice from DH. He made minor repairs to her home when she was selling the home. Then, things changed for reasons unknown to us.
I guess, she was/is happier with a hostile relationship. She instigated something that was very hurtful to DH (and me). It was the final drama for us. We are done with her--she is dead to us. I'm sorry it is this way, but after 40+ years, I (and DH) are done with stupid drama and ugly actions.
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Post by jenb72 on Dec 29, 2018 14:45:00 GMT
I do not have a good relationship with my ex, but not for lack of trying. He's a controlling, manipulative narcissist (which is why he's my ex) and he simply can't let go of the bitterness long enough to be civil. Every conversation devolves into him calling me names and me having to take the high road and walk away. We had to take "divorced parenting" classes as part of our divorce agreement and it's like he only took them to know what rules to break because I'm pretty sure he's done everything in his power to break every one. It's affected his relationship with his children, also, which he tries to blame on me, of course, but he makes his own bed. I've had nothing to do with it.
Jen
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Post by jesslee on Dec 29, 2018 14:58:33 GMT
My relationship with my ex husband is complicated to say the least. We had a very nasty divorced. That is what happens when he had already moved on and she was dictating the terms. Anyway, we have one child together and she was 9 during our divorce. Before our divorce was final soon to be ex and his girlfriend took daughter for a visit and I didn't see her for over a year. It was a nightmare! Something you hear about but will never happen to me situation. It was the worse time of my life. So daughter comes home. Ex and girlfriend have lived in another state. Sorry if this doesn't make much sense. So daughter is now 21 and I have never said one bad thing about her father to her. Its not my place to form her opinion of him. He has been nothing but nasty to me and I just let it ride for our daughter.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 16, 2024 14:10:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2018 15:04:51 GMT
Well, I can honestly say that I am so glad that my ex boyfriend cheated and found himself a “better” girlfriend. I think that they got married on the day that we were to get married, at the same church, same reception hall, and same wedding party!
She wanted him that bad, well she got him and his laziness. I think that she has supported him for their entire married life and it doesn’t look like their life has been easy. I was told that her rich parents cut her off the day they said I do!
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Post by mygigiscraps on Dec 29, 2018 15:21:47 GMT
My ex husband is an idiot. No, really. I don't say that lightly. He has pickled his brain with alcohol, became abusive shortly into our marriage, and I only deal with him when I absolutely have to. I'm very non-violent, but when it becomes necessary to speak with him, I use every bit of self control I possess to keep from beating him until he stops twitching. That being said, his maternal grandmother has dementia and is in her mid-90s, but still remembers me and asks about me at every holiday function. Drives him bonkers, according to our oldest daughter. I have the highest admiration for those who are able to have a good relationship with their ex.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Dec 29, 2018 15:27:46 GMT
My ex-husband is now making an effort to talk to me. I don’t know what he wants. Why is he talking to me and not the kid. I will get to the bottom of it next week at New Years.
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ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,961
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Dec 29, 2018 15:30:21 GMT
I have been divorced 2 1/2 years. DH left with no warning but it turned out to be for the best. I hated DH at first, but a few weeks after he left, my ds came home from school and said “It’s so nice to have exdh out of the house.” Clearly our relationship was not as good as I thought. At that point I decided to “get along” to make things easier for us all. We had an amicable divorce. The only negative was when he tried to stop paying his portion of the mortgage. I let him for several months then threatened to take him to court. He would have owed me thousands of dollars so I offered him a quit claim deed on the house instead of court and he signed. I admit I manipulated that, but I don’t care. He has also refused to do the work to get his name off the mortgage. I tried but they keep asking for a form that doesn’t exist in my state. I don’t care if his name is on the mortgage. It’s not on the house.
I don’t care for his lifestyle. Lots of drinking, smoking pot and he’s, according to DD, added some occasional coke to the mix when he’s out at his Dead cover band concerts. Whatever. Kids are 20 and 22 and know he’s lazy, manipulative and selfish and understand his limits. They make it work.
I still see my former in-laws at least twice a year. They came to my wedding reception when I got remarried. I don’t attend their family events, but apparently neither does exdh. My kids do. They are very close to their grandparents.
Ex and I talk when we need to. I don’t hate him but I also wouldn’t consider him a friend. I parent our kids and he hangs out with them. He’ll occasionally give them some gas $ but doesn’t help pay for anything else. He still breaks promises, like helping ds with new snow tires, but I pick up the pieces and life goes on.
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Post by tracyarts on Dec 29, 2018 16:19:50 GMT
I've only ever been married to my DH, so all my exes were just boyfriends.
Most of them stay in the past because I no longer wanted them in my life for a really good reason.
But one from college (89/90) I'm still in regular contact with. The relationship ended because his borderline personality disordered ex financee' was angry over his moving on and kept re-establishing contact and mindfucking him with typical BPD attention whoring bullshit. He's somewhere on the spectrum, very high functioning but has trouble with social skills and managing interpersonal relationships. Her antics kept escalating and the stress of dealing with it started to damage his mental and physical health. So we agreed to part as friends to get her to back off, and have remained friends ever since.
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gottapeanow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,768
Jun 25, 2014 20:56:09 GMT
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Post by gottapeanow on Dec 29, 2018 18:54:51 GMT
I have a decent relationship wit my ex, and he stayed over here for two days at Christmas. My kids are now 18 and 20.
After our marriage ended, they lived with me full-time. He moved in with his mom. My older son stayed with him a total of about five nights in the last 6.5 years. My younger son maybe stayed 10 nights. My ex never paid child support but gave me money very infrequently.
He finally got SSDI due to some health issues, and I received some money for the kids. That has now ended, of course.
My ex has a daughter and grandson. I also have a nice relationship with her. I have often served as a go-between between her and her dad. She visited in the summer and came to my house when my ex couldn't figure out how he would see her. (My ex came over too.) She even gave me a Christmas gift this year.
All that to say that I have definitely been the bigger person and did way more than my part to make sure that my kids stayed connected with their dad. I really had to learn how to set healthy boundaries with him.
Lisa
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Post by chlerbie on Dec 29, 2018 20:42:10 GMT
My ex is in another state, so we don't see/talk to each other.
My parents had a hard time getting along together and although they did attend some family events together, there was always some sort of sniping and we were always on guard and a bit uncomfortable as we never knew what might happen.
I get along well with DH's ex, which is great. I think she's appreciated that I've had a great relationship with my stepdaughter. She and my DH had some rocky times when I first met her and a lot of animosity (not towards me--they were broken up for years before I came into the picture), but they got over that and now can sit and talk and even laugh together, which has been wonderful. We get invited to a lot of the same things through my DSD and it's good to know that we can all be comfortable together.
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Post by duchess on Dec 29, 2018 21:04:49 GMT
I love my husband's ex-wife. She even used me for a personal reference for a job once. Both of them only always wanted what was best for their daughter so they got along great and did what they could to keep as much normality in her life. It worked. She's a wonderful successful girl with a family. It might have helped that there was never any alimony or child support on either side. Both shared in all the expenses and she spent time each week with both of us, depending on her parents schedules (they both worked in a place with split shifts). I think even though she's grown, both she and my hubby still talk occasionally.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,191
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Dec 29, 2018 21:08:08 GMT
This is my first marriage, my hubsand's second.
His ex and her second husband are friends of ours. We typically spend 4th of July and New Year's Day at their house.
He and his ex weren’t necessarily friends when they split (she wanted out) but moved toward that over time, long before I came along. She and her husband (who used to work with/for my husband) have been very supportive of our relationship. It helps a lot that they didn’t have kids together, I think.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 16, 2024 14:10:58 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2018 21:14:59 GMT
I was SO naive to think that we were actually friendly during our divorce. We lived together (separate rooms) and got along. HE prepared our divorce papers & I trusted him since we didn't have much + the Agreement clearly outlined finances, the house, etc... He wound up lying from the day we began the papers & stoped paying the mortgage. I had no idea even though the house was in my name. He set it all up to re-route to his P.O. Box for mail...
Luckily when I moved out (he was going to begin a legal battle to remain in the house so I moved out), I found out that the house was in foreclosure. I got my sister (a lawyer) to help me put it into a short sale so that my credit wasn't further damaged.
The ex also fraudently put my name on taxes for the years I was moved out! He owed thousands and the IRS couldn't find him, so they were attaching my SSDI checks! Another battle I fought (on my own & won).
He stopped caring about his own 2 kids, and they moved down here to FL with me and DH. My son had to go thru therapy for adiction (drugs), but he bonded with his step dad and got clean and changed his life. He's back in NY, living with (clean) friends, got a great job & he sees our family often. My ex ripped him off too, $15k. Horrible...
DD30 is still with us & her dad doesn't care or believe how bad it is here. I've had a year of surgeries and DH has inoperable bladder cancer. We have one car and things are tough. Ex has an empty studio on his gf's property but claims he can't take in DD since she has cats. He does nothing to help out.
DH & I want to move back to NY so I could have my family's support (& buy a tiny condo there), but DD would have to come. She has nowhere else to go... so, a big NO on us getting along although I could be pleasant on the phone for a minute...
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Post by Pahina722 on Dec 29, 2018 21:27:17 GMT
Ex and I didn’t have kids but did have a very bad breakup. After he left, I tried for a while to help,him out with his surgery recoveries, but quickly (about 3 months) gave up since he behaved as if it was my duty to come take care of him, not a huge favor. He had cheated with his best friend’s wife, so I told him to have her take care of him and washed my hands. His mother STILL (20 years later) attempts to contact me. I wouldn’t mind except that all she wants to do is complain about how awful her son treats her, his legal problems, his bankruptcies, etc. While I get some amusement out of how miserable he is now, I really have no interest in hearing that he’s remained the loser that he always was. (Makes me pissed at how stupid I was to marry him in the first place!) so, hmmmmmm. . . I don’t think I’ve had any contact with him in 19 years.
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kelly8875
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,391
Location: Lost in my supplies...
Oct 26, 2014 17:02:56 GMT
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Post by kelly8875 on Dec 29, 2018 22:30:04 GMT
My XDH and I get along okay. He is not the same man I married, but as a person I still like him. I wouldn’t say I want to be “friends” with him, but he’s a nice person.
I’m happy I’m not married to him.
We actually work together too. But I can go days without having to interact with him, so we make it work. Our kids are 17 & 19, and while it’s never specifically been talked about in detail, I think after a few years they know why we got divorced. I hear them say things, and listen to their little complaints.
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MissChris
Full Member
Posts: 370
Jul 14, 2014 0:46:04 GMT
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Post by MissChris on Dec 30, 2018 2:59:33 GMT
I don't have an ex-spouse, but my husband does--two actually. He and his first ex-wife had their ups and downs right after the divorce (from what I've been told), but now they, me included, are great friends. They share 1 son and 4 grandkids together, so we see her throughout the year. Her SO recently passed away, so she and hubby have been talking more than normal lately, which I'm perfectly fine with. I'm not threatened by her and am glad that she knows hubby is there for her when she just needs someone to talk with. She once told me that she considers him to be one of her best friends and that they are much better as friends than as spouses. Now, ex-wife #2 is a completely different story!! They haven't had anything to do with each other since their son turned 18, which was over 16 years ago. SHE was very abusive (emotionally, verbally, and physically) throughout and after their marriage, both to him and their son.
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,774
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Dec 30, 2018 13:36:25 GMT
mikklynn “I certainly understand sometimes having a good relationship with an ex is not possible. It takes both parties to create that relationship.” It was really important to DD’s bio-dad and me to have a good relationship. I want to acknowledge it’s also awesome when the new spouses encourage and participate in that good relationship. We got along great during his first marriage. They moved two houses down, we had Sunday dinners together, their kids were in and out of our house daily, etc. He’s always been a marginal parent but his first wife prioritzed encouraging his relationship with DDs. That has not been the case with wife #2. DD’s say she’s cordial but that’s it. It’s too bad because he doesn’t take any initiative on his own and rarely, rarely interacts with DDs.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 30, 2018 17:50:53 GMT
My ex-husband is a mess. I don't think he can really form normal human relationships. It seems that the only person he has been able to attach himself to is me. He sees our kids 2-3 times a year. He has not seen his family in over 6 years. He is married but does not seem to be happy.
Two months ago he told me I was his person. Last week he told me that he can't bear to celebrate Christmas without me so he doesn't celebrate. And he was so drunk he was crying. He asked me if I regretted the divorce and I told him no I don't.
I don't really know how to respond to him. I have a DH and my kids and a life that is good. And he has...nothing. I feel so sorry for him.
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Post by ilikepink on Dec 30, 2018 20:06:42 GMT
XDH1 and I tolerate each other. He’s the father of my 3 boys and raising them with him was a challenge. He’s not a bad person, just not the brightest ever. He resented me, especially after I remarried. And still holds a grudge and it’s been 30 years. At our DS wedding last year, I was so proud of us -spent most of the day together and not one bad word.
XDH2 and I get along very well. Think he still feels guilty about cheating on me. He’s there for my DSs, and when I go up to visit I always see him. Still get birthday/Christmas presents. His niece, and now his sister, have moved down here and he’s appreciative of what I do to help them out. I still consider him a friend.
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Post by fotos4u2 on Dec 31, 2018 4:29:31 GMT
I have a unique situation with my EX. We've been separated 10 years, divorced about 3? Took that long because we disagreed about finances and I didn't care about getting a divorce and knew if I waited long enough that he'd be willing to give a little financially (I was a SAHM our entire marriage, he makes enough money to support THREE houses).
We have three kids together and I currently work for him (as his bookkeeper and secretary) out of the family home. It definitely isn't all sunshines and roses. I actually am gearing up to "quit my job" in a few months because #1 we have an agreement that when the youngest turns 18/graduates high school that we'll sell the family home and split the proceeds and I can't really afford to support myself on the amount of money I make currently. #2 I really don't like working for him and want to find a job where I'm happy. EX is actually shocked that I'm not willing to continue working for him, but he's living in lalaland where he thinks we're good friends as opposed to reality which is I tolerate him because it's been the best thing for our children. I actually can't wait until I have my own place and only have to see him at the kids/future grandkids events.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Dec 31, 2018 4:44:00 GMT
I recently moved across the country from my now I adult children. They visited here the 19th through the 23rd and then I flew home to be with them and their dad for Christmas. I will never do that again. It was awkward but not because of my ex-husband‘s fault. Even while married, my son!especially seemed to play us against each other and that continued on Christmas Day. We all went out for a meal but it was rather evident I was not really all that welcome. In future years, I will invite them to Pittsburgh and they can come when they want. It does not necessarily have to be Christmas or even December. My new guy had advised me against going home for Christmas as he had seen how my children treat me in general and it is not always all that nice or respectful. He knew I would have problems when I went back and sure enough, I did. I love my children but they need to mature and learn to respect me as their mother. Hopefully it’s not too late for that lesson. I’m thinking that maybe the distance will do us some good because throughout the divorce for 2 1/2 years now, I haven’t really seen my son much unless it involved getting money or food on my dime. I had envisioned maybe all of us including the kids, myself, and my new guy, their dad and his new woman all celebrating a holiday together. Not sure that’s really a reality at this point though.
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