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Post by chances on Jan 11, 2019 4:19:04 GMT
I'm sorry you're going through this. I would be livid. It feels so disrespectful of you and the family who are traveling to celebrate his graduation.
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Post by Skellinton on Jan 11, 2019 4:20:54 GMT
That completely sucks. I agree with the others that said you should not change your party. If your son is choosing to leave obscenely early for the concert that is his choice, but you should not rearrange your party and your family’s schedule. You can cancel your party and your son should be responsible for letting people know,
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Post by dewryce on Jan 11, 2019 4:22:40 GMT
What is the relationship between your son and his dad? I read something today and it really hit home - sometimes kids of divorced parents knowingly upset the parent they trust to always be there. I did it as a kid, and my mom always took it. The one time I really stood up to my father - well, it's been almost 13 years since we've talked. This. DS knows you and trusts you to still love him and like him and talk to him if he pisses you off, but he may have no such feelings of security with his Dad. Which is a horrible place to be. Doesn’t make him a coward.
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samantha25
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Post by samantha25 on Jan 11, 2019 4:28:12 GMT
The Rolling Stones.... who f...ing cares... Sell the tickets and go see them another time. Does DS even like/know this band? He only graduates once. He will remember the party and seeing all his friends and family... a concert... no way!
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Jan 11, 2019 4:52:07 GMT
How many times have we talked about honoring the first obligation. You don't get to change your mind if another gig comes along. You son is learning to dump the given activity for what he thinks is a better deal... If I were you I would cancel your party, let your DS call the relatives and tell them he will not be there. His choice!
On another note: Why is it necessary to have two parties for one kid? This has been explained by OP farther down in the thread........... My response is, two parties are justified !
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TheOtherMeg
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Post by TheOtherMeg on Jan 11, 2019 5:07:53 GMT
I have four sons. None of them wanted/want a graduation party. It appears your son doesn't care (enough) about his second party (the one you're hosting) to tell his dad that he's not leaving until late afternoon on Saturday.
In your shoes, I'd simply cancel the Saturday party. Just cancel it. Your son doesn't care enough about it to stand up to his dad and hang around for 3-4 hours that day and greet his family and friends. Frankly, if he did make an abbreviated appearance and then dash off for another gig, some might feel it looked a bit like a gift-grab anyway.
Your son has made his choice. Yes, his dad put him in an awful position -- no doubt assuming his DS would do what he (dad) wanted and you'd cave and change your plans to make everything work. However, at 18 years old (or thereabouts), it's time for your son to live with the consequences his choices. Mommy isn't going to soften the blow all the time. If you want to go to a concert during the time a party is scheduled, then you'll actually have to miss the party. The party isn't going to change to suit you. Life's like that. Get used to it, buddy.
I wouldn't beat him over the head with it, I'd just present it like, "Well, you can't do both events, so it's okay, I'll cancel the party." Act all innocent and surprised if/when DS looks shocked that you're not going to jump through hoops to make this work. I mean, he doesn't care enough to stay for a couple hours, so why should you bother getting a zillion people/businesses to change their plans for him, right? Just shrug and say, "Oh, well."
Take the high road and just tell people that DS got the opportunity to go to a concert and the time conflicted with the party, so the party is cancelled. Hopefully, everyone will be able to change their travel/lodging plans at this point with no penalty since we're months out from the date. Trashtalk the xDH only to close girlfriends. Go out on Saturday with some girlfriends and have a great time!
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jan 11, 2019 5:15:00 GMT
TheOtherMeg post is also another great way to deal with this.
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Post by snugglebutter on Jan 11, 2019 5:17:18 GMT
What is the relationship between your son and his dad? I read something today and it really hit home - sometimes kids of divorced parents knowingly upset the parent they trust to always be there. I did it as a kid, and my mom always took it. The one time I really stood up to my father - well, it's been almost 13 years since we've talked. This. DS knows you and trusts you to still love him and like him and talk to him if he pisses you off, but he may have no such feelings of security with his Dad. Which is a horrible place to be. Doesn’t make him a coward. Please read and reread this. Yes, your son should make the right decision. But it sounds like his father has decided to pull a last minute power play while you are still "parenting" together. (It's not uncommon for self-absorbed exes, especially around graduation time.) Your ds is trapped in the fray of your ex's little stunt. It's really hard to navigate this when you are 18. Heck, the last time I cried over something my distant father did that made me feel ignored/unimportant I was in my 30's. I wouldn't ask your son to tell your ex anything. (That was the worst for me as a kid, and my parents were fairly amicable) Contact the ex directly, preferably email so you have a record of what is said. I'm sorry you have been forced into this situation. *I also really like what TheOtherMeg posted, even though it is somewhat contradictory to what I said! Really good food for thought.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 11, 2019 5:33:54 GMT
but it is okay to make you mad? I am seeing red. My ds also graduates in May and it is a big deal for us. Ds would literally feel my wrath every minute if every day. I told him I needed to calm down before we discussed it again. He knows I am pissed. If DS2 was younger, I would suck it up and figure something out. But he is 18. He gets to decide now what he wants to do and where he wants to go. He says he wants to have the party (he picked the food, etc). But then his dad got these tickets and he wants to go to the concert too. I get that, completely. But no one will tell me why they have to leave so dang early. If we hadn't all talked about this ahead of time, I would completely understand. But literally everyone was involved when this was planned. Mom, you would tell someone else that they matter. Their time matters. Their feelings matter. Their big family plans matter. Don't tell your son that you don't matter. That your time doesn't matter. That your feelings don't matter. That your extended family and the chance to get together doesn't matter. Your boy is still a kid. He's feeling his way and he needs some guidance from an adult. Clearly, his father isn't giving him that, behaving more like a classmate than a father by telling your son that he doesn't have to go to his own planned event.
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Post by MalleyCat on Jan 11, 2019 5:48:36 GMT
I would tell your ex-husband to fuck off! I'm pissed off for you! 😡
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sassyangel
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Post by sassyangel on Jan 11, 2019 6:00:05 GMT
I have four sons. None of them wanted/want a graduation party. It appears your son doesn't care (enough) about his second party (the one you're hosting) to tell his dad that he's not leaving until late afternoon on Saturday. In your shoes, I'd simply cancel the Saturday party. Just cancel it. Your son doesn't care enough about it to stand up to his dad and hang around for 3-4 hours that day and greet his family and friends. Frankly, if he did make an abbreviated appearance and then dash off for another gig, some might feel it looked a bit like a gift-grab anyway. Your son has made his choice. Yes, his dad put him in an awful position -- no doubt assuming his DS would do what he (dad) wanted and you'd cave and change your plans to make everything work. However, at 18 years old (or thereabouts), it's time for your son to live with the consequences his choices. Mommy isn't going to soften the blow all the time. If you want to go to a concert during the time a party is scheduled, then you'll actually have to miss the party. The party isn't going to change to suit you. Life's like that. Get used to it, buddy. I wouldn't beat him over the head with it, I'd just present it like, "Well, you can't do both events, so it's okay, I'll cancel the party." Act all innocent and surprised if/when DS looks shocked that you're not going to jump through hoops to make this work. I mean, he doesn't care enough to stay for a couple hours, so why should you bother getting a zillion people/businesses to change their plans for him, right? Just shrug and say, "Oh, well." Take the high road and just tell people that DS got the opportunity to go to a concert and the time conflicted with the party, so the party is cancelled. Hopefully, everyone will be able to change their travel/lodging plans at this point with no penalty since we're months out from the date. Trashtalk the xDH only to close girlfriends. Go out on Saturday with some girlfriends and have a great time! I agree with this. Its okay to be mad, I would be too. But this is a very good time for his first 'just turned 18 adult' life lesson.
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Post by christine58 on Jan 11, 2019 10:43:42 GMT
Have the party without him....
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momto4kiddos
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jan 11, 2019 11:19:03 GMT
TheOtherMeg said exactly what I was thinking!
First off i'm pissed for you! Your ex is a complete *sshole and is being unreasonable. Who buys concert tickets and insists on leaving in the middle of the kids party for a concert the next day?! But at the same time, you ds is making the choice that this is ok with him. The party and your feelings don't seem to be that important to him. I would flat out cancel the party because it's not important to him. Then i'd go and relax at your nephew's party and enjoy your family!
As an "adult" graduating, your ds should be able to negotiate this problem and find a solution. Clearly he realizes that they could leave even Sunday AM and arrive with plenty of time for the concert. Unfortunately he's acting like a spoiled child who thinks the guest of honor doesn't need to attend his party.
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Post by liya on Jan 11, 2019 12:31:36 GMT
What is the relationship between your son and his dad? I read something today and it really hit home - sometimes kids of divorced parents knowingly upset the parent they trust to always be there. I did it as a kid, and my mom always took it. The one time I really stood up to my father - well, it's been almost 13 years since we've talked. Thanks for posting this. I was going to say to OP that this would be something my ex would do and even at 22 my DS wouldn't tell his dad no but your reason above might explain why. I let a lot of things go in the past, I still do.
I would be furious over the graduation party situation. I would say DS2 has two choices leaves after the party or party is cancelled.
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tduby1
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Post by tduby1 on Jan 11, 2019 13:10:59 GMT
I have four sons. None of them wanted/want a graduation party. It appears your son doesn't care (enough) about his second party (the one you're hosting) to tell his dad that he's not leaving until late afternoon on Saturday. In your shoes, I'd simply cancel the Saturday party. Just cancel it. Your son doesn't care enough about it to stand up to his dad and hang around for 3-4 hours that day and greet his family and friends. Frankly, if he did make an abbreviated appearance and then dash off for another gig, some might feel it looked a bit like a gift-grab anyway. Your son has made his choice. Yes, his dad put him in an awful position -- no doubt assuming his DS would do what he (dad) wanted and you'd cave and change your plans to make everything work. However, at 18 years old (or thereabouts), it's time for your son to live with the consequences his choices. Mommy isn't going to soften the blow all the time. If you want to go to a concert during the time a party is scheduled, then you'll actually have to miss the party. The party isn't going to change to suit you. Life's like that. Get used to it, buddy. I wouldn't beat him over the head with it, I'd just present it like, "Well, you can't do both events, so it's okay, I'll cancel the party." Act all innocent and surprised if/when DS looks shocked that you're not going to jump through hoops to make this work. I mean, he doesn't care enough to stay for a couple hours, so why should you bother getting a zillion people/businesses to change their plans for him, right? Just shrug and say, "Oh, well." Take the high road and just tell people that DS got the opportunity to go to a concert and the time conflicted with the party, so the party is cancelled. Hopefully, everyone will be able to change their travel/lodging plans at this point with no penalty since we're months out from the date. Trashtalk the xDH only to close girlfriends. Go out on Saturday with some girlfriends and have a great time! This- minus any hysterics or anger. Matter of fact. It may be disappointing for you to have to actually cancel the party BUT the bigger picture will be that you are teaching your son a very important lesson that the world doesn’t revolve around him and he really needs this lesson before going out into the world. Yes, his graduation revolves around him so he needs to choose. Not between dad and mom and not even between events because both events CAN be done. He is simply choosing whether or not he wants a party when you are able to offer it.
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rickmer
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Post by rickmer on Jan 11, 2019 13:16:13 GMT
i am sorry, that is so frustrating!!
i have to say, reading what you wrote is like a prediction of my future (well not the graduation part cuz that is really not a big deal here).
but i could totally see STBX doing the *exact* same thing. this is the reason i only communicate with him in writing so there is a record of EVERYTHING agreed upon. otherwise he will say "that's not what you said" or "you didn't' tell me that".
is there anyway you can ask his dad to leave after the party yourself, leaving DS out of the middle of it??
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trollie
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Post by trollie on Jan 11, 2019 13:19:06 GMT
Can you whole family crash your X's party? That's what I'd do at this point. Crash the Friday party.
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Post by jenb72 on Jan 11, 2019 13:36:44 GMT
Yes, I have talked with ex. I started there. He basically said since DS2 isn't complaining, that they are going with their plan. DS2 tells me he doesn't want to make his dad mad. but it is okay to make you mad? I am seeing red. My ds also graduates in May and it is a big deal for us. Ds would literally feel my wrath every minute if every day. This right here. Why is it okay to make Mom mad and not Dad? I validate you, mom, because I'm always the one on your end of something like this. I'm too nice and too accommodating and I always end up being the one to change my plans because xDH is a narcissistic douche-canoe who thinks the world revolves around him and DS(17) refuses to stand up to him for fear of losing his relationship with him. But me? He tells me no all the time - because he knows he's not putting our relationship at risk by doing so. I'm the one who ends up making it about the kid and taking the high road while xDH makes it all about him and his convenience. It pisses me off and DH even more so. I'd be fuming mad. Jen
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 11, 2019 14:41:00 GMT
Have the party without him.... As a guest I would be very, very annoyed if I went to this party and the guest of honor wasn’t even there. Not only would it be annoying but it would come off as a TOTAL gift grab at that point. My annoyance would turn to anger because I went to all the trouble to find a gift and come to this party that the entitled little jerk couldn’t even bother to attend (not saying he IS, but that’s how I would FEEL). As the mom/host, I would absolutely not have the party without him. I would simply cancel the party all together and save myself and all of those guests the money and trouble. Eventually all kids need to learn that their decisions have consequences.
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Jan 11, 2019 14:58:40 GMT
I don't understand why peas are telling you to have the party without him being there! You have plenty of time to cancel the party and give your son the money you would have spent on the party. His decision. If your family wants to give him a gift, then that's great.
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Post by cade387 on Jan 11, 2019 15:10:20 GMT
I don't understand why peas are telling you to have the party without him being there! You have plenty of time to cancel the party and give your son the money you would have spent on the party. His decision. If your family wants to give him a gift, then that's great. I wouldn’t give him the money for the party either. No one is guaranteed a grad party. Many of us in life didn’t have one, let alone 2, parties. OP, he is telling you that he doesn’t want or care about the party. I would address it with him as such. “I understand that having the party is not important to you, given your choices. I’d ask you one last time to reconsider, as family is looking forward to coming to see you and each other. I’d also ask that you think about how my side of the family will feel that you are having a party with your dad’s side of the family but do not have any interest in seeing my side. If you dont want the party you need to let me know now so everyone can plan. Also, if I’m not able to recoup the deposits I have already placed then you will need to pay me for them. This is a special time for you, and I am disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate with the whole family here.” Not as a guilt trip but he needs to understand the repercussions of his choices. He sounds spoiled that he expects you to move the party at this point.
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moodyblue
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Post by moodyblue on Jan 11, 2019 15:12:13 GMT
I think I would very matter of factly tell your son that he can either choose to leave after your party or he can cancel that party entirely. You all agreed to the plan long ago and now his dad wants to change it and your son seems to be choosing leaving early for the concert over having the party as planned. If that’s his choice, then the party is off.
edit: I like the response above mine too!
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Deleted
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Jun 26, 2024 16:49:47 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2019 15:14:17 GMT
It may be disappointing for you to have to actually cancel the party BUT the bigger picture will be that you are teaching your son a very important lesson that the world doesn’t revolve around him and he really needs this lesson before going out into the world. Yes, his graduation revolves around him so he needs to choose. Not between dad and mom and not even between events because both events CAN be done. He is simply choosing whether or not he wants a party when you are able to offer it. I think the bigger issue is that he did choose to have the party and that's why the OP set it up on Saturday. To teach him a lesson would be to make him honor his commitment with the party. The frustrating thing about this is that he could actually do both, have the party and go to the concert being that they are on two different days, but the exDH is the one making the logistics difficult. I'm not sure I'd give up this fight yet, especially being that family is aware of the party and there's no good reason he can't do both. Trying to come up with a solution is a good teaching lesson for your DS. Yes, he's 18, but I still think he can learn from this and see that his Dad isn't the one that has the last say.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2019 15:19:19 GMT
I'm going to throw in my 2 cents.
Consider your past relationship with your son AND how you modeled dealing with the ex. If you modeled a give-in method of dealing with the ex that is what your son learned from you. Add in too he may truly want to go to the concert and the only way he has to get there is to stay in dad's good graces. The pea that noted kids will risk making the parent mad that they know they can count on is spot on.
Now, consider what kind of relationship you want going forward. Yes, he needs to be taught to consider others feelings but in many ways that boat has already set sail. He may need a few experiences of not considering others feelings to get that lesson though.
My choice would be to talk to son about the party. Does HE really want to have one or is the party for your pride instead of for him? I have no idea what kind of relationship your son has with your extended family. If it isn't a close one he may not feel the desire to celebrate this mile stone with them. By having a cousin also graduating there seems to be a bit of competition for attention from extended family. You need to have a frank talk to him about his position in the family and how he feels about his relationship with them. The party is about him, not you. Give him permission to not want to have one.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 11, 2019 15:34:25 GMT
I don't understand why peas are telling you to have the party without him being there! You have plenty of time to cancel the party and give your son the money you would have spent on the party. His decision. If your family wants to give him a gift, then that's great. I wouldn’t give him the money for the party either. No one is guaranteed a grad party. Many of us in life didn’t have one, let alone 2, parties. OP, he is telling you that he doesn’t want or care about the party. I would address it with him as such. “I understand that having the party is not important to you, given your choices. I’d ask you one last time to reconsider, as family is looking forward to coming to see you and each other. I’d also ask that you think about how my side of the family will feel that you are having a party with your dad’s side of the family but do not have any interest in seeing my side. If you dont want the party you need to let me know now so everyone can plan. Also, if I’m not able to recoup the deposits I have already placed then you will need to pay me for them. This is a special time for you, and I am disappointed that I won’t be able to celebrate with the whole family here.” Not as a guilt trip but he needs to understand the repercussions of his choices. He sounds spoiled that he expects you to move the party at this point. This brings up another point which is that it could negatively change how some of the people on the mom’s side will view this kid, and that could last for years. I have one nephew that we were particularly close to. We spent a lot of time with him and his dad when he was younger. We were a little hurt that we didn’t even know there was a grad party being held for him because we didn’t get an invite. Apparently his mom threw one for him and no one from of our side was invited, which was odd because she was still friendly with a lot of us. My brother didn’t have the financial resources at the time to compete with his ex’s rich mom who paid for the party, and he couldn’t afford to host a second one for our side. It somewhat colors how I feel about this kid now, knowing that he probably never even gave any of us a single thought that we might have liked to come to celebrate this milestone with him. If he has some big major life event later I don’t know that I will do as much for him as I otherwise would have if we wouldn’t have been previously snubbed. (FWIW, my dad passed away when I was ten, but all of those aunts and uncles on his side got invited to my grad party. I wouldn’t have ever considered not inviting them even though we saw my mom’s siblings a whole lot more.) Just one more wrinkle to consider, some people get really hurt by stuff like this and they tend to remember that hurt for a long, long time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 11, 2019 15:48:30 GMT
I'm not understanding why moving the party is too late. Graduation isn't for another 5-6 months.
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Post by mom on Jan 11, 2019 15:49:45 GMT
What is the relationship between your son and his dad? I read something today and it really hit home - sometimes kids of divorced parents knowingly upset the parent they trust to always be there. I did it as a kid, and my mom always took it. The one time I really stood up to my father - well, it's been almost 13 years since we've talked. Thinking about it today - I suspect that this is what is going on. xDH is very 'my way or the highway'. DS1 crossed him about what college he was going to go to, and he kicked him out and cut him off completely. It has taken almost 2 years for them to even start talking. And even now, DS1 only talks to his dad so he can see his little sister (she's 5).
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Post by mom on Jan 11, 2019 15:50:32 GMT
If it is a 5 hour drive to Denver, is there a way you can get a one-way plane ticket for your kid and fly him to meet his Dad in Denver? Then his dad can leave any time he pleases and can pick up his son in Denver when he (your son) lands. Good thinking. I will check into this. I was so upset last night that I couldn't even really think of alternate plans.
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Post by mom on Jan 11, 2019 15:52:49 GMT
Thats the thing. The day of Graduation, xDH is having his party (which I agreed to last year). And because my nephew is graduating on the same night as DS2, some of our family members will be coming straight from his graduation to our party (missing DS2 graduation because of nephews). A lot of people are driving and I hate to tell them they need to get here sooner because xDH is an ass. Evening have the party at 1:00, some family will be driving for 5 hours to get here for it. Your son needs to learn that being a member of a family requires him to consider the time, expense, and effort these others HAVE ALREADY MADE for him. With graduation comes some expectation of adult responsibilities. You expect him to honor his obligations to his family. You will not be making changes now after so many people have set plans. I agree, completely. Talking with DH this morning, we aren't changing the time. DS will be there, with a smile on his face. DS2 left early this morning for track practice so I didn't talk to him about it again. But he will be home this afternoon and we will are having a family meeting with my DH.
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Post by mom on Jan 11, 2019 15:56:26 GMT
What is the relationship between your son and his dad? I read something today and it really hit home - sometimes kids of divorced parents knowingly upset the parent they trust to always be there. I did it as a kid, and my mom always took it. The one time I really stood up to my father - well, it's been almost 13 years since we've talked. This. DS knows you and trusts you to still love him and like him and talk to him if he pisses you off, but he may have no such feelings of security with his Dad. Which is a horrible place to be. Doesn’t make him a coward. You are right. I was angry. He isn't a coward. (this is why I walked away from arguing with him, to come vent here. I didn't want to say something I didn't mean before I calmed down.)
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