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Post by jovifan on Jan 16, 2019 14:21:45 GMT
I have been divorced for almost 9 years. It has been a rollercoaster since. After filing, ex did a 180 and we went from being 'ok' to not being ok at all. Partly I think because he was dating someone right away (if not before divorce filing). It was a long drawn out process in the courts and him and the girlfriend lasted 5 years. When they broke up he did a 180 back, and was nice and helpful. We communicated really well. We rocked at coparenting. He came over to my place, I went over to his. This lasted about 4 years.
Cut to the last 6 months he has done a 180 again. Doesn't respond to text messages, doesn't follow through when he said he will do something. He moved into a new house, I don't even know where it is. I have been cut out again. I flat out asked him if he was seeing someone and he said no. I asked my daughter non chalantly if he was, she said no. I saw a text message between my daughter and her dad asking if 'susie' was coming over. I don't know who Susie is.
Last night we were at one of our kids events and from the way we were sitting, I could see as he was taking pictures or a video on his phone, Susie was texting him... a lot. The message would come on from the top of the screen. And another, and another... and the way I was sitting I could see Susies name as the sender. He would turn his phone a certain way so I couldn't see what he was typing. He got weird when I would talk to our son, who was sitting between us.
Mind you, even though ex doesn't text back or acknowledge my messages (all regarding the kids), he is chatty Kathy at this event. 'Mr. Nice Guy' to me. I have my walls up so I only minimally interact with him, I don't engage.
I am so hurt. The fact that I am so easily shut out again. And they both lied to me. I don't understand why.
I do have obsessive thinking issues, so I didn't sleep well last night. I don't know if I should approach my 13 year old daughter about her lying to me. I don't know how to get over this hurt.
I am in counseling and have a session tomorrow, but I was hoping someone could give some advice. I know its easy for people from the outside to see things in my writing and how its different when you're in the situation and don't see it. Its easy to say that Im better off without him, I know I am. He was a narcissistic controller. But I cant seem to get these thoughts out of my head. Why is he acting this way, why cant he just be up front if someone new is in my kids lives, why is everything so secret.
Just looking for any advice to help me through the day.
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Post by mustlovecats on Jan 16, 2019 14:33:22 GMT
To me he sounds like kind of a dick and I wonder if you would be happier if you didn’t get involved in his life at all. Sit somewhere else. Don’t ask if he’s seeing someone. Just do you. Maybe that would help you not feel hurt by him.
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Post by nurseypants on Jan 16, 2019 14:33:30 GMT
The only advice I have is for you to develop the mindset that his love life is none of your business. This is a very hard reality to face but it’s true.
Oh, another bit of advice - it sounds like you are letting his treatment of you set the tone. It doesn’t have to be this way. You gotta let it go. He’s not yours.
Moving on can be very hard. Discuss with counselor.
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Post by librarylady on Jan 16, 2019 14:34:07 GMT
Apparently he is uncomfortable with you knowing he has a GF --as is your daughter.
Rather than "confronting" your daughter--how about a conversation with DD: that you are divorced and you expect him to find someone else to be in his life and you also hope to find a partner to share your life.....and that it is OK if your ex has a new partner.
After that--exit his life!
Don't spend time worrying about what he is doing/who he is seeing etc.
Be polite when the events of the children bring you together. Don't sit close enough to see his phone. Don't engage with him other than a polite hello.
If you NEED to communicate about the children, then handle the family business over the phone and then get off the phone.
If you daughter is 13 she is old enough to let him know about events where his presence is desired, make arrangements for his visitation etc. You need to get out of those discussions.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,687
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Jan 16, 2019 14:38:11 GMT
I'm no expert but here are my random thoughts.
You asked
answer:
As for discussing it with your daughter? My advice: don't. She's 13, she may think that Susie is just a friend of her dad's hence her saying he didn't have a girlfriend; or dad told her to lie but if you confront her that's gonna put her in the middle and if she lied for dad she'll likely tell dad that she got in trouble for it and give him more power over you. Nothing good can come of that.
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Anita
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,891 
Location: Kansas City -ish
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Post by Anita on Jan 16, 2019 14:41:00 GMT
Maybe they were just trying to spare your feelings? Please don't put your dd in the middle of it. And honestly, I'd spend less time around him. Let him have his life and you go about yours.
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Post by Linda on Jan 16, 2019 14:42:40 GMT
you're divorced - whether he has a GF or not and who it is - isn't your business. Step away.
And don't involve your daughter - she doesn't need to be in the middle between you and your ex - she needs to be a kid, loved by both of you, and left out of adult matters.
Please see a counsellor and get some help moving on - you'll be happier and it'll be better for your DD as well. ((((Hugs))) and prayers
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Post by thundergal on Jan 16, 2019 14:43:56 GMT
I'm really sorry you're hurting. He sounds like an incredibly flawed and overall unkind man. It can't help that you overthink obsessively. I'm glad you're in counseling and hope that's helpful for you.
I hope you can find ways to detach from him. In every possible way, in every aspect of your life and his life that does NOT involve your kids, I feel you MUST detach. I'm certain it's much easier said than done. Look elsewhere for joy. Look elsewhere for EVERYTHING.
Sending you a big hug...
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Post by quinlove on Jan 16, 2019 14:56:10 GMT
I’m so sorry that this is happening. Whatever / however you managed on your own during the 5 years of first girlfriend, can you go back to that place in your mind again. Do/think/feel how you did during those difficult years to get through it all. I know it’s hard, we all do. You’ve proven though, that you are able to go on with your life with him involved with someone else (despite how much you are hurting). You already did it love. You can do it again.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 21:22:25 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2019 15:01:13 GMT
I am pretty sure that you should never discuss your ex with your child unless the child brings it up.
Are you ready for a companion? Or joining some new groups. My husband’s brother joined several gardening groups. He is busy all the time now.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 16, 2019 15:03:07 GMT
I agree with everyone so far. What he does is his business. You don’t need to be in the middle of all that and neither should you be pulling your kids into his business by asking them about it. He’s your ex, not your friend. If his GF causes issues for your kids that’s one thing, but other than that he’s entitled to do what he wants with his life now and you are entitled to do what you want with yours. While it’s a good thing for divorced people to be civil or even cordial when it comes their shared kids and to be on the same page with parenting issues, that’s also exactly where it should end. IMHO divorce isn’t marriage lite. It’s way past time to move on.
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Post by KelleeM on Jan 16, 2019 15:08:23 GMT
Lesson #3564 of being divorced. Don’t ask your kids about the ex. Don’t put them in the middle of anything. Ever.
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Post by verdepea on Jan 16, 2019 15:15:28 GMT
Apparently he is uncomfortable with you knowing he has a GF --as is your daughter. Rather than "confronting" your daughter--how about a conversation with DD: that you are divorced and you expect him to find someone else to be in his life and you also hope to find a partner to share your life.....and that it is OK if your ex has a new partner. After that--exit his life! Don't spend time worrying about what he is doing/who he is seeing etc. Be polite when the events of the children bring you together. Don't sit close enough to see his phone. Don't engage with him other than a polite hello. If you NEED to communicate about the children, then handle the family business over the phone and then get off the phone. If you daughter is 13 she is old enough to let him know about events where his presence is desired, make arrangements for his visitation etc. You need to get out of those discussions. This is the BEST advice you can ever be given. Especially the discussion with your daughter. Tell her your Dad and I have moved on with our lives. Its expected for him to have other relationships and I hope you want that for me too. It seems she feels she needs to carry a burden to protect your feelings. So take the load off of her shoulders. P.S. Practice indifference with your X. Its not uncommon for X's to pull back when a new person comes into their lives. Regroup and start a new hobby/book club/yoga class, ect. As your daughters dependence lessons with age, increase your independent by back-filling that empty space with your own life. P.S.S. We all have small hurts. I hope by speaking about them today it will help you work through the feelings so you can move forward. I find that helpful to not linger too long. |
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Post by jovifan on Jan 16, 2019 15:16:58 GMT
Thanks everyone. A few things:
I don't feel like I am hurt by him having a girlfriend, it is more that I was ok for him at one time, but that I am so easily disregarded that hurts. And the fact that they lied.
I talked to him on the phone about a month ago why the drastic change in him, to talk it out. I thought maybe if I brought it up that I recognized it, we could talk about it. We had a nice talk but nothing changed.
He never did say why, he made it seem like it was work related and he has some trauma in his life that cycles around, and I chalked it up to it being that.
He is a depressed person. Even told me 'you would think I would he happy with a new house and a new truck, but I'm not'. His exact words. So maybe I am surprised there is someone. I feel bad for her because she doesn't know yet how depressed he is. And when I asked if he was seeing someone, he could have easily said yes.
I have been trying to be the better person by sitting together with our kid(s) at events, but it has become difficult. But its really effecting my mental health and I will start to stay away. The next time we would be together is dance competitions. Lots of people so I can get away with not sitting by him. I feel bad for our kids because Im sure they feel like they have to choose who to sit by, even though I will explain to them that I am FINE sitting by myself.
Thanks for the advice about my daughter, I won't bring it up to her. I will just let it go.
And nurseypants is right, his treatment and attitude, etc sets the tone for me. He has this power over me and I need to learn again how to let that go.
I have gotten better with this, by not engaging these last few get togethers and he got the hint. Last night I didn't plan on sitting by them but my son and his dad were sitting right by the entrance and I locked eyes with my son and then I felt obligated.
Thank you everyone, this really is helpful.
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Post by jovifan on Jan 16, 2019 15:21:13 GMT
P.S.S. We all have small hurts. I hope by speaking about them today it will help you work through the feelings so you can move forward. I find that helpful to not linger too long.
It really has helped, yes. I have wonderful friends who have been very supportive and also a family that is supportive. Sometimes its nice not to burden them with things, and hear from an outsiders perspective. THANK YOU
I do plan on doing online dating, I have in the past and it didn't go well, but who knows this time. Also, I will look into doing something to meet other people. As much as I like going home after work and getting in my pjs, I'm not going to meet anyone by doing that.
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,627
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Post by julie5 on Jan 16, 2019 15:27:58 GMT
To me he sounds like kind of a dick and I wonder if you would be happier if you didn’t get involved in his life at all. Sit somewhere else. Don’t ask if he’s seeing someone. Just do you. Maybe that would help you not feel hurt by him. Yeah this. You’re waaaay too involved in his life, even for coparenting. My ex recently divorced and wanted to be all Chatty Cathy with me and I wasn’t having it. Not because I’m angry or hateful (I’m actually too nice usually) but because his desire for a “friendship” interfered with my own daily doings. Meaning: by talking to him, I have to ignore my husband or my work. We’re coparents. We are not friends. He’s a decent person and I’m polite but I have boundaries and stick to them so no one feels slighted or hurt. Honestly he’s a bit awkward to talk to anyways and I was too polite to say anything but now I’m not. You need to find friends of your own who have YOUR interests at heart. Your ex does not. You are simply a placeholder until he finds someone new. That’s why it’s so easy for him to discard you. He doesn’t value your friendship. I’m sorry if I’m harsh but after 9 years divorced you really need to change your mindset. You’re only setting yourself up for hurt. |
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Post by thundergal on Jan 16, 2019 15:28:04 GMT
Thanks everyone. A few things: I don't feel like I am hurt by him having a girlfriend, it is more that I was ok for him at one time, but that I am so easily disregarded that hurts. And the fact that they lied. I talked to him on the phone about a month ago why the drastic change in him, to talk it out. I thought maybe if I brought it up that I recognized it, we could talk about it. We had a nice talk but nothing changed. He never did say why, he made it seem like it was work related and he has some trauma in his life that cycles around, and I chalked it up to it being that. He is a depressed person. Even told me 'you would think I would he happy with a new house and a new truck, but I'm not'. His exact words. So maybe I am surprised there is someone. I feel bad for her because she doesn't know yet how depressed he is. And when I asked if he was seeing someone, he could have easily said yes. I have been trying to be the better person by sitting together with our kid(s) at events, but it has become difficult. But its really effecting my mental health and I will start to stay away. The next time we would be together is dance competitions. Lots of people so I can get away with not sitting by him. I feel bad for our kids because Im sure they feel like they have to choose who to sit by, even though I will explain to them that I am FINE sitting by myself. Thanks for the advice about my daughter, I won't bring it up to her. I will just let it go. And nurseypants is right, his treatment and attitude, etc sets the tone for me. He has this power over me and I need to learn again how to let that go. I have gotten better with this, by not engaging these last few get togethers and he got the hint. Last night I didn't plan on sitting by them but my son and his dad were sitting right by the entrance and I locked eyes with my son and then I felt obligated. Thank you everyone, this really is helpful. I'm only 4 years out from my divorce. We were married for 16 years but we didn't have kids. I can't tell you how grateful I am that I don't have that tie to him. Because I know I would have allowed him and how he was living his life to continue to hurt me. I promise you...it would have eaten me alive. I would have needed lots of help. It's fantastic that you realize that involving your daughter in any way is not good for anyone. You've got this. I feel like you've totally got this. (((hugs))) |
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Post by jovifan on Jan 16, 2019 16:33:02 GMT
You've got this. I feel like you've totally got this.
(((hugs)))[/quote]
Thank you!
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,856
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Jan 16, 2019 16:33:24 GMT
I think you’re way too involved in his life also..I don’t blame him for lying to you about the GF. I do think he should reply back in a decent amount of time to texts regarding kid issues. I wouldn’t bring this up to your daughter..keep her out of it.
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Post by camanddanismom on Jan 16, 2019 17:23:55 GMT
I don’t mean this in a mean way at all, but he is still controlling you! The fact that after all this time, you haven’t moved on says he is still manipulating you.
You need to forget everything about him except what your divorce dictates and his interactions with your children.
Live your life, look for new experiences! I don’t at all discount your feelings. It must hurt like heck! I am really glad you are getting professional support.
As for your daughter, I would not put her on the spot. She is in the middle and that’s a hard place to be. Rather than being on his side, she is likely trying to protect you.
I hope your therapy will help you through this!! Good luck!
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Post by verdepea on Jan 16, 2019 17:26:00 GMT
P.S.S. We all have small hurts. I hope by speaking about them today it will help you work through the feelings so you can move forward. I find that helpful to not linger too long.
It really has helped, yes. I have wonderful friends who have been very supportive and also a family that is supportive. Sometimes its nice not to burden them with things, and hear from an outsiders perspective. THANK YOU
I do plan on doing online dating, I have in the past and it didn't go well, but who knows this time. Also, I will look into doing something to meet other people. As much as I like going home after work and getting in my pjs, I'm not going to meet anyone by doing that.
Online Dating Sucks Ass. Try to join a Singles Facebook group and find other women to hang out with and meet up for dinner or a movie. In those Facebook groups you can see people's personalities and start talking via messenger. You do not need to become FB friends with anyone until you have not only met, but see yourself becoming friends with. Join a gym and go to classes consistently to find people/women who are in class every week. The point it to make single friends to do things with. There is a lot of us out there. |
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Post by katlaw on Jan 16, 2019 17:44:16 GMT
My only concern would be what type of person is hanging out with my children.
My ex moved out. Moved in with another woman right away. And then lied to me for years about his relationship with her. She was just a roommate to help share the bills. Yet when the kids went to visit they told me all about the house dad lived in. I did not ask them, they were little and excited how dad has a house with a room they can sleep in and a room for him and R to sleep in.
I finally just flat out told him I don't care who you are with. I don't care if she is a roommate or a girlfriend. The only thing I care about is are you leaving our children alone with her and how is she treating them?
Your ex does not have to tell you anything about this Susie but if she is going to be in your children's lives they should not have to keep her secret from you. Your children are still young enough to be influenced by her, whether in a positive or a negative way.
I hope you find some peace with your counselling and maybe a new way of communicating with your ex.
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Post by cindytred on Jan 16, 2019 17:46:07 GMT
My first thought was that it makes it more exciting if it is a secret. He's an ass - and you ARE better off without him.
Cindy
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Post by hop2 on Jan 16, 2019 17:48:48 GMT
I’m sorry your hurting
I’d agree that him dating isn’t your business and I would leave your kids out of it.
BUT it is so aggravating when divorced people ( men or women ) ditch thier responsibilities to thier kids when they become involved with people. I have seen it several times with kids of my friends & my kids friends. It’s truly sad. And btw ditching necessary communication about your children IS ditching thier responsibilities to the children.
Kids need to see/feel that they are parented and the ball won’t be dropped. That they won’t be left hanging somewhere etc.
Also unfortunately there isn’t much you can do about it. Make sure your there for your kids. Make sure they know where you are or how to get you if he drops the ball with them. Then step back and hope for the best for your kids.
As for getting over the hurt, therapy, kickboxing, journaling and just plain ole letting go.
When my ex really pisses me off I go reread his email where he admitted that gettting a divorce was a mistake. It’s only been a year but I’m not taking him back. It’s taking awhile but once as I get used to not being controlled I can’t imagine going back. The freedom is amazing!
Hugs I’m sorry your hurting.
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Post by twinks on Jan 16, 2019 18:25:42 GMT
Stop letting him occupy space in your brain! Why worry how he is treating you? Just know that he is a jerk. The only contact you have to have with him is over the children. That can be in an email. Stop letting him know how to get to you. Definitely don't let your children know or put them in the middle.
Just make a rule with your children - if you are both attending an event, they take turns sitting with you and your ex. If it happens on a visitation day with him and he brings the children, then they sit with him. Decide that with your children ahead of time. Then there is no expectation. Your children can work it out with their dad. "Oh, it is our turn to sit with Mom." If you drive them to the event and it is their turn to sit with Dad then they just run in and sit with him. Or they can let him know that they are sitting with him and will either save him a seat or he can save them a seat. You don't have to be involved. Definitely don't sit together with your children pretending to be the happy family. Those days are gone and it sends mixed messages to your children.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
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Post by azredhead on Jan 16, 2019 19:43:11 GMT
you're divorced - whether he has a GF or not and who it is - isn't your business. Step away. And don't involve your daughter - she doesn't need to be in the middle between you and your ex - she needs to be a kid, loved by both of you, and left out of adult matters. Please see a counsellor and get some help moving on - you'll be happier and it'll be better for your DD as well. ((((Hugs))) and prayers a 10000000000 x lol! I went through three sets of parents! It's crazy and just confusing for kids. If you can leave them out of it please for all that's good do. I don't say that to be harsh but it's a reality for kids. It just makes things worse and complicated. |
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keithurbanlovinpea
Pearl Clutcher
Flowing with the go...
Posts: 4,313
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Post by keithurbanlovinpea on Jan 16, 2019 19:59:55 GMT
Expecting someone else to change their behavior so you can be happy (or not hurt or whatever feeling you want to feel) is a surefire recipe for failure. No one else's actions or inactions can hurt you, only your thoughts about what they say or do. You might find Brooke Castillo's podcasts helpful thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/37/ |
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Post by christine58 on Jan 16, 2019 20:02:05 GMT
I don't know if I should approach my 13 year old daughter about her lying to me. I don't know how to get over this hurt. Leave her out of it...seriously...you KNOW this. She does NOT need to be put in the middle of the two of you. |
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 16, 2019 20:04:30 GMT
Last night we were at one of our kids events... and sitting with one of your children between you. Sounds like close, physical proximity helped do you in. I wonder if it would be helpful at such events if you could separate yourself further from the ex and have only minimal contact? I know time is supposed to heal these old wounds, but I'm not convinced that we're really built that way. Conflicting emotions happen and can be very painful. I don't know how anyone is able to "rise above" them every time. Try to think about your emotions logically - of course that bothers me, x behavior is disrespectful/demeaning to me. Introducing reason into a situation where your emotions are out of control can sometimes rein those feelings in. |
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Post by annabella on Jan 16, 2019 20:26:41 GMT
I think you can only resolve this with your daughter, her telling you the truth at all times.
When he breaks up with Susie and is nice to you again, then you can say sorry buddy been down this road again with you doing a 180 each time, I'm done.
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