UPDATED 17OCT2019 Calling college moms...help.

If residency is her goal make sure she really knows exactly what that entails. Sometimes the requirements are nearly impossible.

This may be the time that she is fully transitioning to adulthood sooner than you expected. Hang in there, I think the reward is to see where they end up - hopefully happy and responsible!

I wouldn't be thrilled with her choices, either, but I would respect they are her choices. I suspect she knew the reaction she would get, so she didn't involved you in making the decision. We have had a couple of those situations with our kids, and it sucked at the time, but in the end it was all about them being adults and making their own choices. And I am much more accepting of their choices now, as not accepting them just turns them away.

Our oldest college graduate builds trails in the summer and works at a ski resort (out of state) for the winter. She's considering buying a van as finding rentals is tough as she is back and forth. She will be off our insurance in a little over a year, so hopefully she will have something lined up with benefits by then. She bailed out on her honors scholarship in college years 2-4 plus we paid extra for her to take summer classes. Probably cost us an extra $15-20k, which we did, although I wasn't happy about it at the time. Overall, she has asked to borrow money once in 6 years. She also started funding a retirement account on her own last year. She's a responsible free spirit.

2nd DD bailed on her pre-med intentions her first year (which was super disappointing since it seemed like a logical path for her). She could graduate after next fall, although wants to stay the full year for the senior seminar that they only offer in the spring. That will cost us an extra $10k. Not thrilled about the extra $$ although she saved us a year of tuition by going to college a year early.

DH and I both went to college with no financial support from our parents. We worked to pay for school (which I realize isn't possible now) and there were times I had to take a break to save money or only attend part time. We also moved in together when we were 19 & 20. Absolutely no regrets with that, although our parents were not overly involved (just like most of our friends).

In general, I think most of us are closer and more involved with our kids lives longer than parents used to. I would say be strong, tell you aren't thrilled but you respect her decision, figure our with your DH what you are willing to contribute (student loans for her are absolutely okay and a consequence of her decision) and then deal with your sadness/anger without guilting her. She is growing up. Hugs!

I'm sorry, I was originally reading this from the perspective of the mom of an 18 year old freshman. Your update changes things a bit.

Another thing that might change my feelings is if she plans a major where she can expect to make a good salary. If so, the burden of smallish student loans would be less.

In a moment of tiredness & stress my younger one asked to come home & go to community college. Which would actually cost us mite as he has a full ride.

Ex would go NUTS. But I told my kid that I would not pick him up unless he had a job. If they want to quit their scholarship he needs a job before I’ll come pick him up. He is only 45 mins away anyway. I’m not against community college. I have my associates degree. But I am against wasting money and I am against my kid sitting home moping around without anything to do. The moment passed and he got into more activities and seems fine. And I know EX would go bonkers so he needed to be serious before I would back him up. A job would make him serious plus give him something to do instead of moping around.

Thing is, at that age we don’t have much control, they are ‘free’ to make their own decisions good ones & bad ones. You & your DH need to be clear on what you will or will not provide. In my situation I felt like mine was just having a stressful week, he had been very sick just before that and had a lot to catch up on. Longer term misery isn’t something many people can maintain. If my child were in misery in an ongoing fashion I’d be worried about them mentally.

It’s a bummer your DD didn’t talk it over with you or your DHbut if it’s done it’s done and now you have to figure out how much your willing to support her decision or not. Your right, she isn’t entitled to your money unless you want to give it.

 
I bet your DD knew exactly how you and your DH would respond if she came to you first and has weighed those factors in her decision to change schools. Stepping back to let her make the decision will mean the world to her and somehow I think this is going to come out okay.

I decided to go back to school after a year in Europe, so had very little money saved and needed a loan and juggled a couple of part time jobs to make it through. My dad was very negative about me choosing more school over working and the financial stupidity of taking out loans. When I graduated, there was a six month grace period before I had to start payments. I had an excellent job, stayed on my student budget and kept one of my part-time jobs in order to save as much as possible to pay down the loan before the repayment terms were set. Dad was so impressed I had half the amount saved that he paid off the other half.