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Aug 18, 2025 21:40:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2019 13:32:01 GMT
Pavlovitz does it again. johnpavlovitz.com/2019/02/21/everyone-around-you-is-grieving-go-easy/"The day my father died, I was at the grocery store buying bananas. I remember thinking to myself, “This is insane. Your dad just died. Why the hell are you buying bananas?” But we needed bananas. We’d be waking up for breakfast tomorrow morning, and there wouldn’t be any bananas—so there I was. And lots of other stuff still needed doing too, so over the coming days I would navigate parking lots, wait in restaurant lines, and sit on park benches; pushing back tears, fighting to stay upright, and in general always being seconds from a total, blubbering, room-clearing freak out. I wanted to wear a sign that said: I JUST LOST MY DAD. PLEASE GO EASY..... Maybe they aren’t mourning the sudden, tragic passing of a parent, but wounded, exhausted, pain-ravaged people are everywhere, everyday stumbling all around us—and yet most of the time we’re fairly oblivious to them:
Parents whose children are terminally ill.
Couples in the middle of divorce.
People grieving loss of loved ones and relationships.
Kids being bullied at school.
Teenagers who want to end their lives.
People marking the anniversary of a death.
Parents worried about their depressed teenager.
Spouses whose partners are deployed in combat.
Families with no idea how to keep the lights on.
Single parents with little help and little sleep."Pain-ravaged - such a good term for how so many millions live their lives on this earth. Yet we respond them w/ideas like RBF or exhort them to "Smile, pretty lady." Go easy. Life is hard. Much harder than it needs to be and could be, if we could care more about each other's pain - instead of only worrying about, praying about, caring about our own and our families'. |
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Post by KelleeM on Mar 1, 2019 13:47:46 GMT
I wish everyone would read this everyday.
I am known to often say “everyone has a story “. When I was dealing with my husband in a coma and then going through chemo I learned a big lesson about life, kindness, compassion and that just smiling at someone can make a world of difference. Life is hard. Don’t make it harder.
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grammanisi
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Post by grammanisi on Mar 1, 2019 13:49:00 GMT
I can so relate to this, having lost my dad in January. For some reason this has been an emotion filled week. I've cried everyday...in the car, at the ATM, on the phone with everyone I've talked to. So far I've held it together in public, but I have a feeling that's coming soon.
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Post by mustlovecats on Mar 1, 2019 14:03:09 GMT
Also, a recent twitter thread about grieving: the ball and the box (click it to read it all).
This is exceedingly useful.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 21:40:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2019 14:04:03 GMT
I can so relate to this, having lost my dad in January. For some reason this has been an emotion filled week. I've cried everyday...in the car, at the ATM, on the phone with everyone I've talked to. So far I've held it together in public, but I have a feeling that's coming soon. {hug} You don't need to hold it together if you can't. You're a person in pain of loss. {hug} |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2019 14:06:29 GMT
Also, a recent twitter thread about grieving: the ball and the box. This is exceedingly useful. Wow - that is the most elegant, simple, resonant explanation I've ever seen of what grief looks like and how, for some, the ball never gets smaller because life keeps puffing it up w/other pain. |
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Post by krcrafts on Mar 1, 2019 14:14:16 GMT
I can so relate to this, having lost my dad in January. For some reason this has been an emotion filled week. I've cried everyday...in the car, at the ATM, on the phone with everyone I've talked to. So far I've held it together in public, but I have a feeling that's coming soon. I lost my mom on New Year’s day. I was alone with her when she died and I feel very much like you are feeling. Unfortunately, my dh had to travel this week, so I’ve been alone and have had too much quiet time to think, so there’s been a lot of crying going on here, too. Please know you’re not alone. |
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Post by destined2bmom on Mar 1, 2019 14:14:51 GMT
Hugs to all of you.
My wonderful mother who passed in 2016 used to tell me, the entire time I was growing up; be kind to people, you don’t know what they have been through or what they are going through and one day you may be in their shoes and you’re gonna wish they were kind to you.
I have been blessed with understanding that and caring about others throughout my life. People say to me how can you be so nice to that person and I will say it’s just easy to be kind because I don’t know what they’ve been through in their lives.
This is one of the reasons that I do the birthday thread and my husband says to me, why do you have to do that? I say to him, because there are some people in this world who never get told Happy Birthday. It’s just nice to have someone acknowledge your birthday. And it’s easy.
Kindness and Caring go a long way. My sons throughout their lives have learned this through my actions. When they witness my kindness they will say to me afterwards “Mommy that was so nice of you”. They are learning how to be kind to others through my actions.
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Post by susancinpa on Mar 1, 2019 14:57:09 GMT
This is so true and I definitely validate your thoughts while buying bananas.
I was in the hospital waiting room waiting to be called in for a mammogram 1.5 days after my Dad passed away. The sadness must have been obvious on my face because a lady said something to the effect of 'Smile, it can't be that bad.', not realizing the loss I had just suffered.
After he passed, I remember thinking how suddenly his life over, but the rest of the world kept moving along as if nothing had changed. It felt wrong to go about daily life, but you have to. Since then, I feel this any time our family, friends or people I know go through a loss.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Mar 1, 2019 15:36:39 GMT
This is so true and I definitely validate your thoughts while buying bananas. I was in the hospital waiting room waiting to be called in for a mammogram 1.5 days after my Dad passed away. The sadness must have been obvious on my face because a lady said something to the effect of 'Smile, it can't be that bad.', not realizing the loss I had just suffered. After he passed, I remember thinking how suddenly his life over, but the rest of the world kept moving along as if nothing had changed. It felt wrong to go about daily life, but you have to. Since then, I feel this any time our family, friends or people I know go through a loss. (((Hugs))) I, too, related so well to this and the original post. My brother died at the end of January. It was sudden and unexpected, and left a lot of loose ends. The whole first week after there would be moments when I would just stop what I was doing and say to myself, "I can't eat ice cream. Surely that's not right." And then there are the moments when you're going about your day, doing normal stuff, and you just realize, "He'll never go camping again" or "Last spring was his very last one, but we didn't know for about nine months." Weird stuff. Random stuff. Realizing there will be movies he would have liked but will never see. Knowing that the move he was looking forward to that was "just one week away" and he never got to do it. On a daily basis, people you meet are in agony. Stressing. Fearing. And it's sometimes like the lady that does the loud, huffy sigh in the grocery store and then snaps a nasty "finally" when you move your cart that had been accidentally blocking her reach to the Tide, and you look over at her and you are thinking, "Don't you know how hard it is to walk & remember to buy bread and milk while my mind is still replaying what the medical examiner said?" It's like living on two separate planes of the same world. Compassion and kindness would go far. (((Hugs))) to all my peas. |
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Post by littlemama on Mar 1, 2019 16:14:44 GMT
I can so relate to this, having lost my dad in January. For some reason this has been an emotion filled week. I've cried everyday...in the car, at the ATM, on the phone with everyone I've talked to. So far I've held it together in public, but I have a feeling that's coming soon. When my father in law passed away, I cried on the way to work every day for a month, then only on the way to work for another month. It does get better, but there will always be things that bring the grief back- for me, it is often my ds' accomplishments that he has missed out on and would have been so proud of. |
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Post by hop2 on Mar 1, 2019 16:24:53 GMT
I didn’t like people knowing when my family died because, while well meaning, I couldn’t answer the questions about it and always felt rude when I couldn’t. But I literally couldn’t I’d break down.
However, other than the people I know coming up to me and asking how I was, I like the mundane tasks of life like shopping. Because I could get list in the yltask and maybe breathe a little.
When my nieces & nephew delayed my sisters funeral to Friday I actually went to work Wednesday & Thursday because the crazy ass people at work would keep my mind busy. The crazier the better for those few weeks because those issues I could actually solve. Might take awhile but I could solve it, work towards resolution.
Whereas my sister was dead nothing was going to solve that. The death was sudden, violent and unnecessary and I couldn’t do anything about it. So it was a huge gaping hole of pain I couldn’t face all day 24x7. Tasks were a relief. Other people’s problems were a relief. Something I could fix.
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Post by hop2 on Mar 1, 2019 16:27:03 GMT
Also, a recent twitter thread about grieving: the ball and the box (click it to read it all). This is exceedingly useful. That ball can come back many years later. You can be ‘ok’ for a very long time and then wham hysterical tears. My dad has been gone almost 15 years and every so often I can still get hit with it. |
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MaryMary
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Post by MaryMary on Mar 1, 2019 17:05:01 GMT
Thanks for this. I needed a reminder not to become so focused on my stuff that I forget other people are also dealing with stuff.
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Post by jenjie on Mar 1, 2019 17:15:33 GMT
I can so relate to this, having lost my dad in January. For some reason this has been an emotion filled week. I've cried everyday...in the car, at the ATM, on the phone with everyone I've talked to. So far I've held it together in public, but I have a feeling that's coming soon. I’m sorry😢 big big hugs. |
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azredhead
Drama Llama
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Post by azredhead on Mar 1, 2019 17:24:11 GMT
Some days I don't even have words...    too all who are hurting my heart hurts for you! |
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PLurker
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Post by PLurker on Mar 1, 2019 17:24:48 GMT
so true. Those on the outside looking in can have a totally different view than from the one on inside looking out.
You just can't know or feel another's pain. Error on the side of kindness.
Hugs to all who are suffering in plain sight.
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desertgirl
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Post by desertgirl on Mar 1, 2019 17:31:25 GMT
Great, great thread. Thanks for the thoughtfulness.
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Post by phoenixcov on Mar 1, 2019 17:45:20 GMT
My heart goes out to everyone who is feeling the pain of loss.
Today I should of been taking my Dad a new jumper and a bottle of his favourite Whisky but he`s no longer here and my heart hurts more today than usual. This week has been the birthday anniversaries of my Mum, Dad and my first love, the Father of my Son. I am going to ring my recently bereaved friend now and be reminded I`m not alone in pain. Sorry for rambling
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Post by Fidget on Mar 1, 2019 17:48:06 GMT
This is one of the few times I've wished for a "love" button here on 2peas. This should be posted at the entrance of every high school and middle school in our country.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2019 22:23:56 GMT
we need a reminder like this every day.
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Post by papersilly on Mar 1, 2019 23:01:32 GMT
this runs through my head all the time. who is dreading going home? whose spouse left the house this morning but will not come home because of a horrific accident? who is caring for a sick parent? who is hanging on a thread but trying their best to keep a smile on their face? who will not be here tomorrow? sometimes you can see the sadness in their faces. most of the time you cannot. but yes, you never know.
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Post by Really Red on Mar 1, 2019 23:07:41 GMT
This is a beautiful reminder.
When people have pain (any kind) or grief, they immediately feel the importance of that pain or grief. We forget too easily that is what others feel. Empathy is incredible. We all need to feel more of it.
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Post by refugeepea on Mar 1, 2019 23:28:02 GMT
Parents that aren't believed.
My MIL is terminally ill and they (except MIL) think we are being selfish. We "worry too much and take things too seriously". I automatically think that there is more to everyone than what you see. They don't and every now and then it still hurts.
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Post by gritzi on Mar 2, 2019 1:25:06 GMT
I'm sorry for the loss of your Dad! My mom passed away recently, too. This week has been difficult at best! On Wed I cried for many hours. Be gentle with yourself, and let the tears flow when it happens.
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hannahruth
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Post by hannahruth on Mar 2, 2019 8:04:45 GMT
Also, a recent twitter thread about grieving: the ball and the box (click it to read it all). This is exceedingly useful. That ball can come back many years later. You can be ‘ok’ for a very long time and then wham hysterical tears. My dad has been gone almost 15 years and every so often I can still get hit with it. Tha ball does just keep on bouncing and at the most unexpected times hits the wall. this year is the 30th anniversary of my mum's passing. The pain sometimes hits like it was yesterday. You really don't evEr get over it - you just live around it. |
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Post by evnimom on Mar 2, 2019 13:32:59 GMT
I feel ashamed that I need a reminder like this way too often. TFS.
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SabrinaP
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Busy Teacher Pea
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Post by SabrinaP on Mar 2, 2019 17:05:43 GMT
I try to keep in mind that we never know someone’s struggle. I watched a my 600 pound life last night and the lady on the show went to the grocery store. When she’d had enough walking, she headed to the car while her boyfriend finished up. As she was walking across the parking lot someone honked at her twice because she wasn’t moving fast enough. The person then proceeded to get out a berate her for “being so rude”. I just cannot imagine being so unhappy that the best you can do is treat people like that! Everyone has a story and we should treat everyone with the kindness we would want for ourselves.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
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Post by azredhead on Mar 2, 2019 20:11:21 GMT
I didn’t like people knowing when my family died because, while well meaning, I couldn’t answer the questions about it and always felt rude when I couldn’t. But I literally couldn’t I’d break down. However, other than the people I know coming up to me and asking how I was, I like the mundane tasks of life like shopping. Because I could get list in the yltask and maybe breathe a little. When my nieces & nephew delayed my sisters funeral to Friday I actually went to work Wednesday & Thursday because the crazy ass people at work would keep my mind busy. The crazier the better for those few weeks because those issues I could actually solve. Might take awhile but I could solve it, work towards resolution. Whereas my sister was dead nothing was going to solve that. The death was sudden, violent and unnecessary and I couldn’t do anything about it. So it was a huge gaping hole of pain I couldn’t face all day 24x7. Tasks were a relief. Other people’s problems were a relief. Something I could fix. My heart hurts for you but you've summed up my last two years for my moms unexplained and sudden death. While somethings made sense others didn't. Our family dynamics are also insane. And I have a difficult time explaining it even on here. Most of what you say for me is similar except i don't work anymore. And my health has come front and center. My only major break down.. was the night before her wake I was trying to print her color collage I had made to give to friends at the wake. Her printer was not working. That was a thing for her and I as well. I swore at it for several hours. I couldn't fix it- it was 3am and I couldn't fix the damn thing from my dog to her. (we had lost two days before). My brother finally stepped in to try to help. We had a very difficult relationship but he took me in a bear hug and we both just sobbed. The fog is real the grief is real - and ya just get through it with what ya can. I have considered going back to counseling but how do you explain it?! I am so very grateful for this board. It gets heated and ugly sometimes but I've said a 1,000x on here where we go with the compansion and friendship has been down right amazing and worth it. Amazing people on here with amazing lives. I also feel bad when I desperately want to help someone who's grieving and like I said earlier can't find the words.. and feel bad about it. |
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Post by iteach3rdgrade on Mar 2, 2019 20:23:34 GMT
The year I lost my dad, I was 11 weeks pregnant after years of infertility. I was shopping for a funeral outfit and the lady at the register said something about smiling, it's not so bad. She had no idea, but still.
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