Give me strength: A stroke and an ex -I am DONE

I'm going to say this with a loving voice.....
you keep getting in line for this crap. You can't complain about him, when you agree to it and signing up.

First one's on him...

But you aren't done. You are going to keep finding yourself in these situations again and again and again. He is not going to change. You have to stop running to his rescue. Ask yourself why you keep running in to save the day. What do you get out of it? You must be getting something out of it otherwise you'd change your behavior. Especially if you truly were as fed up as you like to complain you are. He is your ex. You are not responsible for him. Stop enabling him.

That is a good point.

I think you are an incredibly loving giving person who is being manipulated by her ex. Manipulation that gives him what he wants and gives you nothing but problems and work. And now it's happening all over again! The only way for you to stop this is to set up boundaries. Severe boundaries. This is my advice. 

* If your children are all over the age of 18 stop all phone contact. 
* Don't ever pick him up at the airport again, let him into your house or let him sit on your new sofa! 
*Repeat this daily to yourself "He is my ex! He is no longer my responsibility!" over and over until you really believe it inside. 
*Let an attorney deal with the money your ex owes or if that isn't possible due to the international situation if it were me I'd kiss it good-bye just to be free of that ex.

I recommend the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. I haven't read it myself but a Pea recommended it last week. 

Your ex is no longer your responsibility. You are no longer married. He is his family's responsibility. The fact that he came back should be a sign to you that he thinks he can manipulate you to take him in, and take care of him. Already he's gotten you to let him into your house, right? He's weaseling his way back. There is no way to stop this except for you to recognize it for what it is and to put your foot down hard! 

I'll tell you the story of my sister J. I'm the oldest of 4 kids, and J was born 18 months after I was. You'd think we were close but in fact we never were-we were opposites in every way. She quickly outgrew me in height and was known as a bully when we were children. When the youngest, my dear sister S was learning to walk she'd push her down. J grew up being manipulative. She has become a master of the art. She does it to my parents to this day and is the worst with my father. I adore my parents so this drives me up the wall. A few years ago my father and I were helping J move and all of a sudden I realized my father and I were lifting the heavy boxes while J stood there ordering us around. All of a sudden something clicked in my brain. I said, "F*ck this Sh*t! We're doing all of the heavy lifting and you're standing there like a queen ordering us around", even though I'd never said the F word in front of my father. I told her that I'd had enough of her manipulating me and my parents and until she could treat me with respect I was out of her life! I walked out of her house and we didn't speak for 2 years. 

She finally emailed me and apologized and we have had the best relationship since then. She's my sister, not my ex, so I can't cut her out completely forever. She hasn't tried once since then to take advantage of me and is very kind (shocker!) instead. It is like having a completely different person than J as my sister. But then we've always heard from her friends how nice and kind she can be. Go figure. 

So, for you I think especially since he is your ex that putting your foot down, saying "No"-which by the way is a complete sentence, will be in your best interest. I can understand why your son was upset that you picked up your ex at the airport. It's the same feeling I feel when my father (who's still working full-time at the age of 79) is manipulated into doing extra work for J she should be paying someone to do. Your son probably felt, "Oh no, here we go again" 

I truly wish you the very best. You've had a lot to deal with between your recent flood and now this. Do yourself (and your kids) a favor. Really think about setting up some severe boundaries and start telling your ex "No". 

I wonder why you are still under the impression that you will get your money. I'm guessing that ship has sailed. But, if you are convinced it hasn't, hire an attorney and get your money. Quick dicking around.

If he's functional enough to plan and implement an international trip, he's in good enough shape to take care of himself. You seem to have a martyr complex. Or something. Good luck, and set some boundaries.

I'm sorry, but I agree with the others. Get a lawyer to get the money, but if he can't hold a job I have serious doubts about him being able to pay you. This is not your responsibility, but as long as you make it yours he will take advantage of that.

You are a better person than me.

Do not let him back in your house.
Change the locks.
Tell your kids that it's your home and you don't want him there. If they want to visit with him they can meet him at his hotel or Starbucks.

Honestly you probably will not get any money from him. Just write it off and not think about it.

Be done with him.

He is not your responsibility.

Repeat all of the above six times.

ETA:  If the rest wasn't enough...the whole letting the dogs out thing.  Un-excusable!  Deal-breaker!  Go away and don't come back!

Noooooooooo!!!!
Not the NEW COUCH!

He needs to gtfo ASAP.

Look if you truly feel you need to provide some care for your ex, help him find a permanent place to live. Get him set up in a small apartment, get it safely furnished, make sure he’s got utilities and bills set up, perhaps a visiting nurse/meals on wheels or adult day place to visit a couple of times a week etc., then you can stop engaging with him in crises mode because there won’t be any.

As long as he’s unstable and bouncing between mom and air b n b and you, and because of your kids you don’t want to cut him off, you’re going to get sucked in. He either lives with you or you help set him up somewhere for permanent success. Or your kids take on the burden.

Dump him at the curb. Change your phone number. Do not allow him in your house. Cut him out of your life like a tumor that is killing you. He’s not going to change and will continue walking all over you because you are a very kind person. Be tough and do it!

That's a difficult position to be in. I've followed your story and I can say that you have definitely gone above and beyond to help him. I completely understand you wanting to help him. This is a man you've shared your life with, have children with and I'm sure at one point loved very much. Sometimes those emotions just don't go away completely, even if they are mixed with a little animosity. You have a very kind heart! It's a fine line to walk between helping and enabling. He did make his own arrangements to come back to the states without any one knowing so I'm guessing that he is a little bit more able than he is leading you to believe.

You've gotten some harsh words here. We are told that this is the place we can come and vent when needed and that we should use each other to let out feelings that we wouldn't necessarily put out there in our real lives. Which is what you did here and in doing so, some responses are harsh and don't show much empathy. I'm not trying to "hand slap", it's just an observation that makes me a little sad because this is supposed to be our safe place to vent. ((hugs))

You are the only one that can know what is best in this situation. Just please make sure that you are doing what is right for yourself too. Take care of you!

It seems like your actions are coming less from a place of kindness and more from guilt. You were so relieved to get out of the marriage, and you have happy days in front of you. What does he have? A stroke. Now you are eternally trapped in what you tried to escape.

I think if there were any signs from him that he is attempting to live independently from you, it would be easier to offer him some kindness and then move on, but what is building here is guilt, then obligation, then dependence, then resentment.

The kind thing to do for both of you and your children is to encourage him to figure out how to live independently from you. Take him to the Medicaid office, take him to different support centers, but only once.

Saddling him up on your back isn’t kindness, it’s obligation. I think about what I would do if I were in your situation. My ex and I just divorced after 25 years. We don’t have any family here, and if he had a stroke, I could definitely see me wanting to not leave him in the cold and I’d help at first.

But if the man MOVED to Europe successfully and then ended up back at my door, I’d see that bullshit for what it was, which is just a mirror of our whole relationship where I held up everything always for everyone forever all by myself, and that he needed to learn some life lessons, stroke or no.