luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 5, 2019 20:23:27 GMT
In a perfect world, I can envision maybe sometime all of us getting together in Tennessee and having Christmas together. Not sure how realistic that is though. You've portrayed your ex-husband as a bit of an arsehole, why on earth would you want to celebrate Christmas with him? I can't think of anything worse than trying to force some kind of congeniality just for the sake of it. Your children are grown they should understand this. Oh yeah, he is pretty much an ass. There are definitely different schools of thought on the subject. Even though the kids are grown, they still appreciate any effort to colmingle a special event. |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 5, 2019 20:25:30 GMT
Why do you think the new gf would want to get together with you and your guy on holidays? I wouldn't, if I was her. Oh yeah, I have no idea what her opinion would be. I guess I have heard about it happening but it would definitely take cooperation on the part of the parents and any significant others. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Mar 5, 2019 20:26:54 GMT
In a perfect world, I can envision maybe sometime all of us getting together in Tennessee and having Christmas together. Not sure how realistic that is though. You've portrayed your ex-husband as a bit of an arsehole, why on earth would you want to celebrate Christmas with him? I can't think of anything worse than trying to force some kind of congeniality just for the sake of it. Your children are grown they should understand this. My ex is an asshole. I see your POV for sure and I will agree with you. I've extended an invitation for years now because I know my children are very bothered by the fact they see their dad about twice a year. Now my kids are 17&almost 19 and they are finally at the point where they are looking at him very different. And after the incident I had with him in the hospital during my son's suicide attempt, I will no longer extend an invitation. It took all three of us a while to get there. |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 5, 2019 20:27:57 GMT
For the OP, if you want an extended blended family holiday I think YOU should be the one to host it instead of expecting someone else to host it; like the parents of the ex's girlfriend. You invite the ex, his new squeeze, your new squeeze, his ex wife, all the kids and assorted layers of grandparents to your house. I could potentially do something like that or who knows? Tennessee isn’t that far from Pittsburgh so that’s why it came across my thoughts. I don’t currently have a place big enough to host something but I could always get an Airbnb somewhere. That’s what my kids did when they visited us in December (their idea as they also brought a cousin). |
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
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Post by freebird on Mar 5, 2019 20:29:37 GMT
whoa, that was pretty harsh. luvnlifelady has had a lot of upheaval in her life the past few years, but who doesn't that has a divorce. I wouldn't call it a "dumpster fire". that was kinda rude. You are right. I was rude. But OP has made her history with her xDH and how unhappy/miserable/abused she was public. Many times. She has said her son has followed in his fathers footsteps with being abusive to her. She has flat out said she didn't want anything to do with her former life, which is why she moved across the country. If someone makes you that unhappy, celebrating holidays with them just doesn't seem like a good idea.
I don't disagree, but it probably hurts hearing ppl call your life a dumpster fire.
I was just talking yesterday with a 2pea friend about us showing more grace here.
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:43:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 20:30:55 GMT
I can understand with small children that it's nice to put on a civil front but with adults, it's really time to let that go.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 5, 2019 20:31:58 GMT
whoa, that was pretty harsh. luvnlifelady has had a lot of upheaval in her life the past few years, but who doesn't that has a divorce. I wouldn't call it a "dumpster fire". that was kinda rude. You are right. I was rude. But OP has made her history with her xDH and how unhappy/miserable/abused she was public. Many times. She has said her son has followed in his fathers footsteps with being abusive to her. She has flat out said she didn't want anything to do with her former life, which is why she moved across the country. If someone makes you that unhappy, celebrating holidays with them just doesn't seem like a good idea. Yes, our past has been very hard but yet my kids still have the Hallmark fantasy of having a nice Christmas and that includes me. However, as mentioned earlier, I will never return to California for Christmas again. That was a dumpster fire. Therefore, I am occasionally thinking of other ideas to keep everyone moderately happy as best I can. However, I’m also realistic in knowing that involving new significant others for both of us will just complicate things. Adding to that, my kids will probably soon be in relationships of their own adding more layers to holidays. I just want everyone to be happy. Shoot me now. |
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Post by Zee on Mar 5, 2019 20:37:26 GMT
Your kids no longer have a Hallmark Christmas and haven't for a while, no matter what you may think. Do you really believe that? After what you've told us about your life? Let that idea go.
And trust me, they do NOT need to have exes and currents and everyone else in the same place to have a nice holiday. That would be the last thing I'd ever have wanted with my parents and their new spouses.
I wish you much happiness, and them too. Don't try to force things like this, they don't need it.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 5, 2019 20:38:10 GMT
You are right. I was rude. But OP has made her history with her xDH and how unhappy/miserable/abused she was public. Many times. She has said her son has followed in his fathers footsteps with being abusive to her. She has flat out said she didn't want anything to do with her former life, which is why she moved across the country. If someone makes you that unhappy, celebrating holidays with them just doesn't seem like a good idea.
I don't disagree, but it probably hurts hearing ppl call your life a dumpster fire.
I was just talking yesterday with a 2pea friend about us showing more grace here.
That would be nice but talk about a fantasy, all Peas play nice? Now that would be something. It wouldn’t be the Peas without someone getting bitchy. I was telling my new guy a bit about the Peas recently and he asked me what the website was but I wasn’t about to tell him. This is my free space. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 19:43:06 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2019 20:48:49 GMT
I just want everyone to be happy. That's very noble but I don't think faking niceties and a bad Christmas movie atmosphere is the way to do that. You aren't responsible for other adults happiness. |
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Post by mom on Mar 5, 2019 20:52:51 GMT
Your kids no longer have a Hallmark Christmas and haven't for a while, no matter what you may think. Do you really believe that? After what you've told us about your life? Let that idea go. And trust me, they do NOT need to have exes and currents and everyone else in the same place to have a nice holiday. That would be the last thing I'd ever have wanted with my parents and their new spouses. I wish you much happiness, and them too. Don't try to force things like this, they don't need it. This. ALL of this. Your kids need you to be real. And authentic. And sometimes that means NOT having big family holidays, when its all really a ruse. They will know its fake. How about considering going somewhere neutral with just your kids for a day or two for a Holiday? No one will be forced to pretend things are good and perfect. You can have your own hotel room/Air BNB room and have space to get just be yourself. Truly, the best gift you will ever give your kids is to be real and quit trying to fake perfect. |
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Post by Mel on Mar 5, 2019 21:02:43 GMT
Ex doesn't have a new relationship. His family is in FL, we are in IA. He is still family, even though we can't be married anymore, and my SO accepts that. In the beginning it was uncomfortable for both of them, but it's been almost 4 yrs now so it's just life. Ex comes to our house for Christmas morning (we have a great system, the kids all sleep at Dad's house and everyone gets up and comes to our house for presents, breakfast, etc. Makes getting the gifts under the tree & stockings stuffed SO much easier!!). My SO's family all knows the "deal" and they are all supportive. I'm glad that we get along, and we support each other in the parenting stuff. And I know that I am VERY blessed to have a man in my life who accepts the crazy.  |
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Post by alexa11 on Mar 5, 2019 21:12:47 GMT
Yes- we actually started after grandchildren were born. One DD and family live out of town and it's just easier to do. And we get along great.
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FuzzyMutt
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Post by FuzzyMutt on Mar 5, 2019 23:11:22 GMT
I can understand with small children that it's nice to put on a civil front but with adults, it's really time to let that go.
Why should it matter if the children are small, or grown? Civility is civility. One lesson I do hope my (nearly grown) son will pick up from me is that our actions and reactions are our own. No one else "causes" us to do anything. As to the thread in general, my aunt married my mothers brother, and he was a pure and simple ass. They ended up divorcing after about 13 years or so. My cousins and I were early teens. I remember my dad telling me she was no longer my Aunt "firstname." 25 years later, my Aunt has been at many family holidays and funerals and she is truly still a part of my family. I'll never forgive my Uncle for the things he did back then, but I can be civil to him, easily. I think one of the reasons I'm in awe at my Aunts grace and heart is that after all these years, she is still kind to my Uncle  But, that's her. She is kind and loving and no one can change that about her. My cousins have definitely benefited from her approach. They know their dad for who he is, but they do have a relationship with him. I'm divorced, 10 years now. My daughter is 25 and marriage and grands will be happening at some point (I hope!) I've already told her my one goal is that those moments are special for her, and I won't be a part of anything negative. As far as getting together with the ex etc... We've lived far apart for quite some time. We get along very well, but I don't think I'd like to spend Christmas at their house (he's remarried with 3 little kids.) When there is a grand involved if my daughter chooses to go there, and I'm invited, I would absolutely go. That said.. OP.. It seems like you spend alot of time worrying about "what if's." Do you suffer alot of debilitating anxiety? I can't imagine this would even cross a person's mind lol |
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ashley
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,571
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Post by ashley on Mar 5, 2019 23:22:21 GMT
I’m hopeful my ex husband and I will be able to share holidays and events with our children. So far we’ve attended the same graduation and sat near each other and socialized afterwards. We’ve had dinner together a couple times. After Christmas this year we talked about how we’d both like to have us both there with the kids if we can. Currently there are no other partners included for either of us, but if someday one of us does have someone, I don’t think I’d oppose sharing some celebrations together.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Mar 5, 2019 23:26:51 GMT
My parents are divorced and they spend every holiday together still to be with us kids and the grandkids. It makes it so much easier for us.
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Post by hop2 on Mar 5, 2019 23:34:42 GMT
We have shared EVERY holiday & celebration since we were divorced. This year was easier as we had it at the house which is now his. I just brought my dish & took a seat 😃
It does get wearing but I’ll do it as long as the kids prefer it.
We also have attended extended family functions together. Which is nice as much of my family is deceased and loosing that extended family was one of my heartbreaks.
I’m sure it will get awkward as soon as he is dating. I’m not sure what happened to whom he was cheating with. But there has been no sign of anyone since we divorced
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Post by hop2 on Mar 5, 2019 23:41:41 GMT
You've portrayed your ex-husband as a bit of an arsehole, why on earth would you want to celebrate Christmas with him? I can't think of anything worse than trying to force some kind of congeniality just for the sake of it. Your children are grown they should understand this. Oh yeah, he is pretty much an ass. There are definitely different schools of thought on the subject. Even though the kids are grown, they still appreciate any effort to colmingle a special event. Mine is/was an ass too, but he is the father of my children and I would rather suck it up & have a holiday together if that’s what the children need or prefer. My kids come first. I can get up & leave if he is being an ass. Which he has not yet been an ass in front of the children since our divorce. He saves that for text. And I’ll deal with an SO when the time comes perhaps when that comes about it will be time for me to take a holiday vacation. I take it one event at a time |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,975
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Mar 6, 2019 0:14:39 GMT
If you can, do it. One of the greatest blessings of my life was that the night my oldest daughter was born, their first grandchild, my parents put aside their differences and decided that they would get along for the sake of the kids and the grandkids. We celebrated birthdays, Christmas, New Years - you name it - together. We all went on vacations together. It helped that they were both happily remarried. My dad even spoke at my mom's funeral.
I know that it wouldn't work for people who had a truly toxic relationship or for whom either or both people are total jerks. Mine were not. They just had a difficult marriage and bad divorce. And they decided to bury the hatchet so we could all be together. I'm so grateful.
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Post by kelly316 on Mar 6, 2019 0:28:33 GMT
HELL
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Post by kelly316 on Mar 6, 2019 0:28:45 GMT
NO
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 6, 2019 2:02:51 GMT
If you can, do it. One of the greatest blessings of my life was that the night my oldest daughter was born, their first grandchild, my parents put aside their differences and decided that they would get along for the sake of the kids and the grandkids. We celebrated birthdays, Christmas, New Years - you name it - together. We all went on vacations together. It helped that they were both happily remarried. My dad even spoke at my mom's funeral. I know that it wouldn't work for people who had a truly toxic relationship or for whom either or both people are total jerks. Mine were not. They just had a difficult marriage and bad divorce. And they decided to bury the hatchet so we could all be together. I'm so grateful. That’s great. I know my guy and his first ex-wife do go to their granddaughter’s birthday parties. She is only three. I will more than likely attend that with him this year. At the moment, I have no problem being in the same space as her but it would probably also be at a park, making it easier to mingle with the crowd. |
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 6, 2019 2:21:38 GMT
I can understand with small children that it's nice to put on a civil front but with adults, it's really time to let that go.
Why should it matter if the children are small, or grown? Civility is civility. One lesson I do hope my (nearly grown) son will pick up from me is that our actions and reactions are our own. No one else "causes" us to do anything. As to the thread in general, my aunt married my mothers brother, and he was a pure and simple ass. They ended up divorcing after about 13 years or so. My cousins and I were early teens. I remember my dad telling me she was no longer my Aunt "firstname." 25 years later, my Aunt has been at many family holidays and funerals and she is truly still a part of my family. I'll never forgive my Uncle for the things he did back then, but I can be civil to him, easily. I think one of the reasons I'm in awe at my Aunts grace and heart is that after all these years, she is still kind to my Uncle But, that's her. She is kind and loving and no one can change that about her. My cousins have definitely benefited from her approach. They know their dad for who he is, but they do have a relationship with him. I'm divorced, 10 years now. My daughter is 25 and marriage and grands will be happening at some point (I hope!) I've already told her my one goal is that those moments are special for her, and I won't be a part of anything negative. As far as getting together with the ex etc... We've lived far apart for quite some time. We get along very well, but I don't think I'd like to spend Christmas at their house (he's remarried with 3 little kids.) When there is a grand involved if my daughter chooses to go there, and I'm invited, I would absolutely go. That said.. OP.. It seems like you spend alot of time worrying about "what if's." Do you suffer alot of debilitating anxiety? I can't imagine this would even cross a person's mind lol It crosses my mind sometimes because I’m a planner. Depending on what we might choose to do or where we might go, we may need to make reservations for popular holiday spots. Not just yet, but the sooner, the better. |
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Post by fuji on Mar 6, 2019 2:30:09 GMT
If you have Christmas/holidays with the ex at your house or his, fine.
No way in hell should you be going to the girlfriend's family Christmas. That crosses a line.
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caangel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,025
Location: So Cal
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Post by caangel on Mar 6, 2019 2:43:40 GMT
I can't comment regarding divorced families but it always surprises me how few families are willing to co-celebrate holidays (outside of space restrictions/distance) with the inlaws that I can't imagine it is common to celebrate with ex-inlaws/partners.
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joyfulnana
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,192
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Post by joyfulnana on Mar 6, 2019 3:05:18 GMT
Nope. He tried to continue to force his family on me until I had to get not so nice about it. I don't have anything against his family, but he was doing it in hopes we could work things out. We don't even wish each other happy birthday now and I'm ok with it. Our kids are adults and didn't expect us to continue any kind of shared celebrations. However we do both show up for DGS birthday parties and we get along fine.
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Post by roundtwo on Mar 6, 2019 3:36:08 GMT
NO NO NO. Not ever. The kids don't have to split time between us; meaning I have no expectation they will see us on the same day. But I must say, I am the one they come to visit (or I go visit them) he has never been to their homes as he thinks it is too far to travel. But they should be able to travel to him with 4 kids. I swear that I am living a parallel life with you. This is pretty much my life too. I haven't communicated in any form with the ex in over 10 years and there is absolutely no way that we will ever share holidays. |
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Post by **Angie** on Mar 6, 2019 4:13:01 GMT
My parents sort of did when I was younger. My mil will pick my fil up to eat holiday dinners (they are divorced, he's in a home).
I told my dh that if we ever get divorced, that's it. Damned if I'm gonna spend time with someone I can't live with.
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Mar 6, 2019 4:29:23 GMT
I have had Christmas and thanksgivings at my daughter's house with my ex and his wife. We were married 32 years.
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But, that's her. She is kind and loving and no one can change that about her. My cousins have definitely benefited from her approach. They know their dad for who he is, but they do have a relationship with him. 
