If someone doesn't validate your feelings...

I'm hoping to get an answer to this too. I think some people just can't say they are sorry.

I am me. I haven't really ever needed anyone to validate my feelings...I might want them to, but I don't expect it. I validate my own feelings.
I'm probably not much help, am I? I apologize for that but I just have a well developed sense of my own worth, probably forged by being a very independent individual my whole life. It's hard to just tell someone they need to be their own biggest cheerleader, but when you get to that point, you don't need others. You enjoy what they can give you, but you don't need it.

This is excellent advice and I wish I were mature enough to do that.  I guess I'm still struggling through anger and disappointment in my situation.

OP I'm sorry you are having to deal with it.  It's very hard to accept that some people won't/can't see they are wrong in a situation.  Even harder if it is a close family member.

Good question, OP. A small add-on question: what to do if the "apology" is so lame that the damage is amplified?

I don't think anyone can give you reasonable advice based on the OP. If your sister has decided not to come home for Christmas, then it might have a direct impact on your life but it isn't your choice. In this scenario, saying " I thought you knew" is a reasonable response..... If the decision wasn't yours to make, the other party doesn't need to make sure you're ok with it,.

I am going to be paying extremely close attention to this thread. This is the biggest problem in the relationship between DH and DS. DH can never ever validate anything for DS and now that he's nearly 16 it's a huge huge issue between them. DS NEEDS validation and DH won't give it ever.

Not that DH is any better at validating anyone else either, some people just live that way.

One way to deal with it is like my DD who just glosses over the fact that he hasn't validated her and goes on with whatever she was going to do anyway. She will at least apologize later to him. But if he can't acknowledge her point of view or feelings or have a discussion she doesn't feel the need to acknowledge his feelings by adhering to them. If/when he calls her on it she'll apologize and tell him he didn't acknowledge her so she didn't feel she needed to validate him. I'm just used to it after all these years, I walk away and hope for time later to discuss. Doesn't always happen. I no longer get deeply hurt by it though as it seems to be SOP for DH. The weird thing is if you do the same thing to DH he blows up over it. He start spouting how his feeling are valid!

From my perspective it doesn't seem to work to stand there and demand validation. (DS's way to deal ) so you have to either let it go, especially over small things, or defiantly ignore, or manipulate them to a different stance. Or cut the person out if your life. Unfortunately you can not change the other person you can only change you or your reaction. And in my experience confrontation doesn't help, they dig in deeper. Only things I can see diffusing the situation are what are common anger management techniques, deep slow breathing, counting, things like that. Then if the issue is important enough, you find calm ways to either circumvent their opinion or choice or convince them they feel how you do ( without revealing that's how you feel, very key ) only way I know of to do that is to ask questions until they arrive at a understanding of the other sides of the situation.

Complicated? Yes! You have to determine if this relationship is worth tolerating or not. Simply, if this is their mode of being and you can't change them, you need to see what you can live with.

I am sorry you and your children have this so directly affecting your lives.

Children have every right to expect to be treated as if they are important to their parents.

Period. End of report.

People who are passive-aggressive are not going to validate your feelings. What they are doing is about them not you, so the acknowledgement is never going to happen.

They also know exactly what they are doing. Be assertive and make it known this behavior is unacceptable and if it continues it will destroy your relationship. There isn't much more you can do. The only other option would be to ignore it. Only you can decide what is best for you.

You could be talking about my DH's sister. The closest thing to an apology she gives is "I'm sorry, but YOU..." In my opinion "I'm sorry, but" is not an apology.

I think you need to learn to ignore this person. I tolerate my SIL for DH's sake only. I have caller ID so I no longer answer her calls.

If you can't cut this person out of your life, do what you can to limit contact.

When SIL makes decisions for us - such as buying a gift for my MIL and expecting us to chip in, I no longer go along. We do whatever DH and I wanted to do.

I don't know if any of this applies to your situation. I validate your feelings!

This has been a HUGE issue for me with dh's brother and my evil SIL. We moved to the same city as dh's brother and helped him with his church. I'm not a huge fan of BIL anyway--he accused me of gossiping about him. To tell the truth, I could care less what he does or doesn't do. I was at school with friends of this girl (D) who is obsessed with BIL. This girl would find stuff out about BIL and say *I* told her than info--that I had no way of knowing. 

Lather rinse repeat through our relationship. BIL and SIL dated on and off for over 10 years. They were very jealous of dh and my relationship. SIL tried several times to break us up. We were kids and she was in her late 20s at the time. After they got married, SIL was jealous because I had been acting as a stand in as "the pastor's wife" because I was BIL's SIL and got along great with the women at the church. SIL was so envious because she doesn't have a genuine bone in her body.

The worst was when this girl D evidently was still emailing BIL. (I heard this from dh who heard SIL talking about this with MIL when we were on a long roadtrip and I was asleep.) SIL told her mother about it, and BIL went ballistic. (He can not stand anyone talking about him) SIL blamed me. BIL took dh to lunch, told him to "keep me on a short leash", and never ever talked to me. I was also getting very sick at this point--I had a blood infection that went to my heart, my endometriosis was out of control and finally I had a stroke. Right before the stroke, BIL kicked dh and I out of the youth group because I had been absent too much because of my illness. 

The way BIL/SIL acted when I had my stroke and after was horrible. SIL insists that I had a "drug interaction" and not an actual stroke even though I was in ICU for almost a week and had long lasting paralysis and have never fully gotten back 100%. BIL/SIL never told the kids that dh and I cared for what happened to us. We had to move suddenly when dh lost his job while I was in ICU. 

I had always been kind and nice to these two and was treated horribly. It REALLY bothered me, especially because they think I was faking being ill. I've had so much taken from me, and for someone to suggest that I willinging stopped doing these things is just hurtful. 

Dh was really hurt that he didn't get the grown up relationship with his brother that he always wanted. It also *really* bothered him that his brother didn't call when I was in the hospital with pancreatitis three years ago and almost died. The only time dh's brother contacts us is when he wants computer help...

I've realized that for whatever reason, my SIL is extremely jealous of me. She tries so hard to rub her life in my face. When I had my hysterectomy, she lived to rub her kids in my face. I have no time for someone so cruel. I just don't care about her anymore. We barely talked at Christmas, and it was the best Christmas I've had with my dh's family yet. 

I just faked it till I made it. I would rather die than tell her that she got to me. It was extremely hard at first, but now I really don't care anymore. I'm never going to get a sincere apology from her. I don't even like her. It's her loss.