How to handle situation w/ daughter?

I am in the middle also of something similar/but not identical as you are. My son has ADHD and anxiety (I think). He is 19 and IF he showers he doesn't use soap and alot of the times no shampoo. He can't keep a job. Just walks out. He has no problem running with friends who pick him up and walking around with no money. His prior therapist told us he is very sensitive (which I am aware of) and she told us to give him the total tough love treatment. We haven't gotten there and tried that yet (but are close), but what resonates int he back of my mind is what if he has so much anxiety, or untreated ADHD or mental health (his birth father said he was manic depressive and my son is adopted), that he is incapable at this point of fully functioning as an adult. He is 19. My point is, it is a fine line to walk. She has had alot to deal with emotionally. Some people are stronger than others. I hope her new therapist gives her a new twist on life. And sometimes therapists don't know everything. Our son's therapist told us to play hard school and kick him out. She did it with her daughter. Guess what...her daughter had not one but two safe places to land with relatives. They supported her enough to live with them and come to reality. My son has no where to go...no relatives and I am sure his friends' parents would not take him in for the long term. Maybe one night.

Your story reminded me so much of what we went through with our daughter. She had health problems and was so depressed. She didn’t want to be alive anymore. She was gay. I’ve always known ever since she was a little girl. She was always different. I just stuffed it in the back of my mind and didn’t think about it and lied to myself because I was raised and was very involved in my church. My husband and I raised her in the same church. She had to sit there and listen every week of her life how bad she was and how much God hated her because she was a homosexual. It really messed with her mind. Especially when she tried to pray the Gay away and it didn’t work. She came out to me about six years ago. Like I said it wasn’t a surprise. A voice spoke inside my head and told me not to ever let anyone tell me my daughter is disgusting. I let her know that I love her and it wasn’t a big deal to me. I never stepped foot in another church again. A little bit after that, her doctor put her on antidepressants. She is so happy now and she is thriving.

I don’t mean any disrespect but when I read your post the first thing I thought of was your husband was an ass but then I remembered I used to be an ass too. Your husband really needs to stop and think of what he’s doing to her. Would he rather see her happy that her daddy accepts her for who she is or would he rather go to her funeral? There has been a lot of youths in her position that has killed themselves. I don’t mean to scare you but that’s just reality. If your husband still can’t accept her, I really don’t think I could be married to someone like that.

After I got over all of the religious dogma that I had in my head, I asked myself why it bothered me to think about my daughter with another woman. But then I tried to picture her in bed with a man and that bothered me. Lol. She might have been an adult but she was still my little girl. I didn’t want to picture her having sex with anyone, male or female.
I’m also a very private person. I don’t talk about my sex life to anyone. It’s no ones business besides me and my husband. My daughter is an adult and she deserves the same privacy. It doesn’t matter who she sleeps with. It’s not our business. It’s not your husband business who his daughter wants to sleep with. She is an adult. Once your husband realizes that, it will make things better

We dealt with a very similar scenario with my oldest. He has very advanced Crohn’s disease, add, depression and anxiety. If he’s left to his own devices, he will stick his head in the sand and ignore all of the above....because who needs a large intestine, right? 🙄

What finally worked for us was an epic change of direction. For what it’s worth, this is what we did.

I asked him to spend a little time thinking about what he wants his adult life to look like. I asked very specific questions.
Where would you like to live... house/apartment/suburb/down town?
What will you do after work each night? Meet friends for a drink? Go hang with your board game group? Head home and do what?
What do you want to be able to do on the weekends? Hiking? Gaming?trip to the beach?

Then we worked backwards from there.
Okay.....what kind of job will you need to be able to live that life? What do you need to do to get to that place? What are some potential roadblocks to this life? How can they be removed? Do you need help with those tasks? (This is the first place where his health comes into play)

It helped a TON for him to see that we weren’t just trying to get him to live to our standard. We really want him to get to the life that HE wants for himself.

Re: self care....we made it a condition for living in our home that he seek and follow through with treatment for his Crohn’s, ADD and anxiety. I go to the first half of the appointment and then excuse myself so he can speak privately with the dr if he needs to. I will continue to do this until all three of us (him, me and the dr) agree that his conditions and medications are well managed. He can opt to move out if he doesn’t want this. It’s an absolute if he’s going to live here and not open for negotiation. This is the only hard line we’ve drawn.

I can see your frustration with the dog. I have a thought though. As adults, if we take on a pet and we want to go somewhere overnight, then we have to make arrangements for the care of that pet. What if you told her “hey, I don’t have a problem with you being gone overnight, as long as you make arrangements for the dog before you leave. If none of us are available, you will need to take him with you or change your plans.” (Now the ticket is to only say yes when it’s actually convenient for you and you truly don’tind doing it.)

Anyway, I feel for you. It’s horrible to be at odds with your kid, especially when you’re so worried about them ((Hugs))

Hang in there mom.