just a bunch of whining. feel free to scroll on by

 I am getting more seriously wishing to die.  It's been a really hard summer. I've been moments away from tears for months now.  Nothing is going to make it better.  I'm at a place in my life where all of my friends (most are younger teachers) have families and my brother has family. My dad lives here with me but he's no company.  It just makes me feel more isolated than if I lived alone because I am stuck in my bedroom.  My dogs are my lifeline but even so now I am thinking that the rescue I volunteer for would take them in and find them homes. I didn't want this divorce.  I miss the old Matt, not the one he turned into.  I am too depressed to be in a relationship and even so that would be the very last thing on my list I want to do. I am a teacher and school is about to start.  The distraction is good for me but going back to work also brings many more stresses and problems. My teacher friends have lives outside of school and I don't want to appear to be the needy one.  My best friend at school is getting her doctorate and has four kids plus her full time job!  I am here to support her and she most certainly doesn't have time for me. If only it was about teaching the kids!  We will have two planning times per week this school year so that means on Tuesdays and Thursdays the only "break" we'll get will be a 20 minute lunch.  Those meetings are so stressful and actually take time away from preparing to teach my class.  Our administration has no idea how elementary teachers need to plan.  They both taught middle/high school.  Apparently we should WAIT to plan until those planning times but in reality we have to be prepared going in there.  So we are constantly planning and getting ready for the "show" we have to put on.  We hardly have time to pee during that 20 minutes, if we want to eat lunch.  My house payment increased $300 because of taxes and my electricity bill was $440.  My water bill was $284. I'm not making it through the month.  I need to get a second job but I'm already so anxious and depressed I'm not sure how I will manage with that.  I'm scared to go out and look for one too. I've been at my current job for 18 years. It's been a while since I've had to hunt for a job.  I clean my house and spend time in my backyard but besides that all I do is sleep. It's all I can do not to scream and scream until someone calls the police and take me to a hospital.  I'm afraid I am going to snap.  I will never hurt anyone but I will hurt myself.  I don't want to call attention to myself.  Being alone with all the stress and with no money to get out and DO SOMETHING makes it worse.  I didn't even get to plant flowers in my yard this year because of no money.  I will say I am sorry for the negativity but it helps to get it written down.  I wish there was a sure way of killing myself with what I have here at home.  Unfortunately no mixture of my medications will cause death. i've done the research. Nothing I say truly describes how sad I am.