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Post by FuzzyMutt on Sept 18, 2019 22:21:40 GMT
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Post by 950nancy on Sept 18, 2019 22:31:08 GMT
I often think that we need to put our foot down first and tell our husbands what we expect. Did we create that guy (or someone else create him)? If so, give him a chance to change. I married a guy who was completely spoiled by his mom with everything she did for him. To be fair my mom did the same to me. Before we married, I said if we couldn't share the work (inside and outside of the home) fairy, I would find another guy. We made a list. I still have it 32 years later. I have never scrubbed a toilet or shower. I don't vacuum or go grocery shopping. While we didn't share raising the kids 50/50, he was working about 15 more hours a week than I was and I was home more. He retired two years before I did and I didn't ask him to do more. He just decided to get a part-time job. That worked.
I think we need to give people a chance and see what they can do before we kick them to the curb. I do know that I would resent someone who didn't pull their weight in a relationship though.
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Post by femalebusiness on Sept 18, 2019 22:54:03 GMT
I live by the idea that people will treat you how you allow them to.
My husband has always done housework and shared child care. I have always helped with car repair and “men's” work. I would never be with a man who didn't share the work load. My husband would never be with a woman who was afraid to get dirty or use a tool.
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Post by 950nancy on Sept 18, 2019 23:19:33 GMT
I live by the idea that people will treat you how you allow them to. My husband has always done housework and shared child care. I have always helped with car repair and “men's” work. I would never be with a man who didn't share the work load. My husband would never be with a woman who was afraid to get dirty or use a tool. I took shop for two years instead of Home Ec (there were two of us in school who did this). My husband was wondering who would do the cooking. Ha. We both suffered through the first few years of marriage. |
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Post by femalebusiness on Sept 19, 2019 0:10:17 GMT
I live by the idea that people will treat you how you allow them to. My husband has always done housework and shared child care. I have always helped with car repair and “men's” work. I would never be with a man who didn't share the work load. My husband would never be with a woman who was afraid to get dirty or use a tool. I took shop for two years instead of Home Ec (there were two of us in school who did this). My husband was wondering who would do the cooking. Ha. We both suffered through the first few years of marriage. You are lucky! Don't even get me started on the asshole shop teacher and vice principal who refused to let me take shop and FORCED me to take Home Ec. They both told me (exact words) that some boy would be looking at me and cut his finger off. As if the stupidity of some random male was my responsibility. I took the Home Ec class which taught me absolutely nothing as I had been sewing on a machine since I was in first grade (thanks grandma). I ended up having to show the teacher how to do some work on a skirt we were making. I love tools, construction, welding and anything to do with building something. Shop would have been much more beneficial to me. I have a huge resentment about how women and me in particular were treated in school when I was there, the dark ages. I was a pain in administration's ass because I was always in the office complaining about the restrictions on girls. Happy days for me was when the Woman's Movement kicked into full swing. It was too late for me but my daughter took both wood and metal shop in High School. |
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Post by nlwilkins on Sept 19, 2019 0:26:12 GMT
Men of my husband's age were raised by women who taught them that wives did all the work in the home and husbands sat down to dinner and reaped the benefits. My MIL told me she though she had looped the moon when they told her she had a boy. He was her fourth and it was like he was so much more important that her daughters. She ended up with six girls and three boys and the boys were always treated special.
After a stint in the Air Force my husband unlearned a bit of that. And he did "help out" around the house. Now days that we are retired and the girls are grown he does more than I do. It took training and it was a gradual process but he believes in doing his fair share and more.
But I will always have the precious memories of him getting up in the night with the newborn babies and changing their diapers and feeding them when they came home from the hospital. I have memories of him taking care of the girls as they grew and the things he did with and for them. I am so glad he was able to do this as their is a special relationship now between him and his daughters.
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Post by lucyg on Sept 19, 2019 5:37:43 GMT
I took shop for two years instead of Home Ec (there were two of us in school who did this). My husband was wondering who would do the cooking. Ha. We both suffered through the first few years of marriage. You are lucky! Don't even get me started on the asshole shop teacher and vice principal who refused to let me take shop and FORCED me to take Home Ec. They both told me (exact words) that some boy would be looking at me and cut his finger off. As if the stupidity of some random male was my responsibility. I took the Home Ec class which taught me absolutely nothing as I had been sewing on a machine since I was in first grade (thanks grandma). I ended up having to show the teacher how to do some work on a skirt we were making. I love tools, construction, welding and anything to do with building something. Shop would have been much more beneficial to me. I have a huge resentment about how women and me in particular were treated in school when I was there, the dark ages. I was a pain in administration's ass because I was always in the office complaining about the restrictions on girls. Happy days for me was when the Woman's Movement kicked into full swing. It was too late for me but my daughter took both wood and metal shop in High School. I was happy enough to take homemaking in 7th grade and I guess my middle sister was, too, but when my youngest sister came along, she said, I want to take wood shop instead. The school said, oh, you can’t take shop, you’re a girl. My sister went home and complained. My mom said, hold my earrings. When my mom got done with them, not only was my sister in wood shop, but so was any other girl who wanted to be there. It was, admittedly, in the early days of the second-wave women’s movement. It would have been 1972, I guess. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 9:26:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2019 7:32:50 GMT
My husband was raised by old-school parents. They had 3 kids and 6 grandkids. My father in law has never changed a diaper. Ever. Somehow, my husband came out the complete opposite of that. He's an equal partner. I think his parents and siblings have always found how hands on he is to be odd. I'm a SAHM and I help run our business. We have certain things that are each of our jobs (I don't do dog poop  ), but we equally parent and run our household. He never ever complains and I've never had to talk him into it. And when he's home, I rarely touch a diaper  In our peer group, the husbands are either like him, or they're neanderthals who relegate child-rearing and homemaking to "women's work." There doesn't seem to be an in-between. One of my very good friends is in a relationship that bears many of the traits described in that article and it breaks my heart. Her husband is otherwise a good man, but he just has really ancient views on gender roles, marriage, and parenting. |
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,137 
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Post by rickmer on Sept 19, 2019 12:39:50 GMT
i appreciate the sentiments of the author of the link re: working moms. this is *exactly* why i refused to go back to work after #3 came along. i *knew* he was not suddenly going to be up in the middle of the night, be available for 3 different daycare drop off/picks up, sick days, never mind EVERYTHING ELSE that accompanies having 3 kids. i also knew going back to work full time would destroy me. i was already exhausted. i had SAHM guilt - i felt i HAD to do everything because that was my job and i wasn't earning my keep if i didn't. it didn't matter if it was a weekday or a weekend, sick kids in the middle of the night, it was me who was up with them. i was made to feel my contribution wasn't as valid as the income he was bringing in and i loved my kids and tried to put any resentment aside. youngest was in SK when i went back to work part time around kids' schedules. and i was always under pressure to go back to work full time. to bring in more money. during the divorce, first thing out of his mouth was i would get nothing, i had "ridden his coat tails long enough". and alleges he was also the 50% parent the entire time. he doesn't even know the name of the kids doctor - he texted me for it for a permission slip for school the other day.  some men get the value that the SAHM mom brings... some don't. my point is... as a working mom i would have felt i had a right to more help. as a SAHM i didn't think i had a right to ask for any help. |
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Post by tyra on Sept 19, 2019 13:07:02 GMT
Honestly, that was my husband after I had our 2 year old. For probably 2 months I stumbled around in a haze. He DID get up with Jack at night (we usually traded off), but that was about it. He would go to bed and I would be up washing bottles, pumping, trying to squeeze in laundry, etc. I finally exploded and told him he needed to help. He was a lot better after that and still is. Not perfect, but much better. Now if only I could get him to pick up him damned shoes from right in front of the couch...  Some men just suck. Then some are oblivious and need to be actually told... |
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Post by refugeepea on Sept 19, 2019 13:41:27 GMT
i appreciate the sentiments of the author of the link re: working moms. this is *exactly* why i refused to go back to work after #3 came along. i *knew* he was not suddenly going to be up in the middle of the night, be available for 3 different daycare drop off/picks up, sick days, never mind EVERYTHING ELSE that accompanies having 3 kids.  My third kid ended up having major issues as well.
It wasn't quite like your circumstances but thankfully he realizes the only way I can go back to work is if we work opposite shifts, pay extra money for care if those shifts overlap, and be prepared to have little sleep during the week. My son averages 5 hours on a good night and that's usually not 5 hours in a row. My husband has a history of random seizures and we believe sleep deprivation is one of the factors.
He also likes his federal job where he gets major holidays off. The type of job I could find would not have that luxury. I would prefer to have a job where I get paid money, but I don't think it's ever going to happen.
I understand the not asking for help. I also have accepted I am never going to be the June Cleaver type or want to be! My husband gets how hard my son can be. When I rarely leave to go anywhere (because it's too much damn work), I come home and my son has always done something more destructive than when he's with me. 
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), but we equally parent and run our household. He never ever complains and I've never had to talk him into it. And when he's home, I rarely touch a diaper 
My third kid ended up having major issues as well.