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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2019 3:59:47 GMT
If *it* comes up, act like an adult. "Let's not talk about that now, we're here to support your sister. Can we chat tomorrow over coffee?"(Or whatever suits your needs.) I'm getting a vibe there is a ton of drama. Dropping the drama will be the first step to prove you are making an effort in the right direction. Go, be pleasant, support your daughter and bite your tongue. THAT is how you prove you're sorry and not just fighting to be right. (If I am way off, I apologize it's hard to give advice without the whole issue being known.) Estranged daughter doesn't want to talk about it. I don't think she wants to talk to me ever, about anything. Just to come and be at this event & pre-event. It will be hard for me to be at her house with her not speaking to me and after she called us all of those horrible things. That's what I'm having trouble with. suck it up. This isn't about you. It is about your DS, the bride. And Ffs just call it what it is rather than an event and pre event Your bride dd probably told the Dd you are clearly mad at to invite you.
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Post by Baseballmom23 on Nov 28, 2019 4:00:36 GMT
Go to the pre-event and be pleasant to everyone. Do not engage in any type of bickering or rehashing of past issues. If it is brought up simply say this is not the time or place to discuss this matter. Turn your attention elsewhere. Refuse to be baited to saying anything, nothing. No I’m sorry, anything else. Set boundaries and stay within them. ^^^ this is my feeling as well. We had an issue like this but it was my MIL who was angry at DH and I. I still don't know why. This all happened in 2000. She died in 2014 and there was never a reconciliation.
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Nov 28, 2019 4:01:12 GMT
It will be hard for me to be at her house with her not speaking to me and after she called us all of those horrible things. T It will be hard but your other daughter is worth the effort. Lets not forget she is the one caught in the middle and having to put up with you two fighting. She is worth putting up with the uncomfortable feelings.
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Post by myshelly on Nov 28, 2019 4:04:28 GMT
If *it* comes up, act like an adult. "Let's not talk about that now, we're here to support your sister. Can we chat tomorrow over coffee?"(Or whatever suits your needs.) I'm getting a vibe there is a ton of drama. Dropping the drama will be the first step to prove you are making an effort in the right direction. Go, be pleasant, support your daughter and bite your tongue. THAT is how you prove you're sorry and not just fighting to be right. (If I am way off, I apologize it's hard to give advice without the whole issue being known.) Estranged daughter doesn't want to talk about it. I don't think she wants to talk to me ever, about anything. Just to come and be at this event & pre-event. It will be hard for me to be at her house with her not speaking to me and after she called us all of those horrible things. That's what I'm having trouble with. Get over it. You are being a drama queen, it’s not about you. Go and suck it up. You aren’t coming off very well in this thread.
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Post by chaosisapony on Nov 28, 2019 4:16:53 GMT
She took the step to invite you so I think it's important that you go. Be polite, keep the focus on the event that is coming up. Don't bring up the issue. Your daughter said she wants to see changed behavior, this seems like the perfect time to show her what she is looking for. If it doesn't work out at least you know you tried.
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Nov 28, 2019 4:41:19 GMT
Responding to update - don't skip the pre-event at her house. Take the high road and attend with grace and class. Otherwise, if you don't attend, she may use it as an opportunity to give her side of whatever she's upset about to other people and you won't be able to defend yourself. Grit your teeth and bite your tongue and go, to honor your other daughter.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 14:39:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 5:42:56 GMT
Responding to update - don't skip the pre-event at her house. Take the high road and attend with grace and class. Otherwise, if you don't attend, she may use it as an opportunity to give her side of whatever she's upset about to other people and you won't be able to defend yourself. Grit your teeth and bite your tongue and go, to honor your other daughter. I really don't think she'd do that at this event and even if she did I wouldn't defend myself at this event anyway. I'd just remove myself.
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Nov 28, 2019 6:00:47 GMT
Responding to update - don't skip the pre-event at her house. Take the high road and attend with grace and class. Otherwise, if you don't attend, she may use it as an opportunity to give her side of whatever she's upset about to other people and you won't be able to defend yourself. Grit your teeth and bite your tongue and go, to honor your other daughter. I really don't think she'd do that at this event and even if she did I wouldn't defend myself at this event anyway. I'd just remove myself. I didn't mean I thought she would do it in front of you - I meant that you should go to keep her from talking behind your back. I didn't state it very well, I meant that later on, people would remember that you were not there and there would be no defense for that. Go, hold your head up high and focus on your other daughter!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 14:39:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 6:17:28 GMT
I really don't think she'd do that at this event and even if she did I wouldn't defend myself at this event anyway. I'd just remove myself. I didn't mean I thought she would do it in front of you - I meant that you should go to keep her from talking behind your back. I didn't state it very well, I meant that later on, people would remember that you were not there and there would be no defense for that. Go, hold your head up high and focus on your other daughter! That's what I think I'm going to do. Thank you everyone for your advice.
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Post by christine58 on Nov 28, 2019 11:32:28 GMT
Since you created a new identity to discuss this, just go ahead and tell us what you did and what the event is. I really don’t have much interest in giving advice about a situation that no one but you really knows what the specifics are. They are crucial to giving you advice. If you honestly want help, then actually talk about what happened and what the upcoming “event” is, and for heavens sake don’t complain then when you feel like people don’t understand your vague convoluted storyline. BINGO
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Post by mikklynn on Nov 28, 2019 12:43:39 GMT
No, I’m not missing the part in the edit. You’re invited (which, hello, is an olive branch from DD), it’s important, you go. You suck it up, stand there, smile and nod. Be there. I agree.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 28, 2019 13:08:46 GMT
There is clearly cultural issues at play because I have never heard of so much made of wedding dress shopping amongst my circle of friends. No pre-events, etc. What do you do at a wedding dress shopping pre-event? Do you have multiple ones if dress shopping involves several days because dress shop #1 doesn’t have the right dress? Well, for the most recent wedding in our family, four of us drove 7 hours and the bride's mother flew cross-country to be their for the weekend. The big day started with a limo picking us up, visit to bridal boutique one, a wine-tasting & tapas lunch, and visit to a second dress shop. I see nothing odd about a gathering before everyone goes off for the 'say yes to the dress' event.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 28, 2019 13:17:53 GMT
If it were me, I wouldn't miss even a second of my dd's wedding events so i'd go and be cordial. If you have concerns about how your engaged dd feels, ask how she feels and go with what she wants.
I'm guessing your nervous to be around the estranged dd. Possibly wondering how she'll behave? Since the rift with my mother i'm always an edge around her. To be honest I wind myself up good thinking she'll make an embarrassing scene of some sort. She never does, she's standoffish in front of others, but acts appropriately. I finally figured out that playing the victim means you've got to give a good show in front of everyone so she does her part.
I'm willing to bet your estranged dd will behave herself, just be friendly/cordial and pretend nothing is wrong for the day.
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Post by elaine on Nov 28, 2019 13:57:11 GMT
There is clearly cultural issues at play because I have never heard of so much made of wedding dress shopping amongst my circle of friends. No pre-events, etc. What do you do at a wedding dress shopping pre-event? Do you have multiple ones if dress shopping involves several days because dress shop #1 doesn’t have the right dress? Well, for the most recent wedding in our family, four of us drove 7 hours and the bride's mother flew cross-country to be their for the weekend. The big day started with a limo picking us up, visit to bridal boutique one, a wine-tasting & tapas lunch, and visit to a second dress shop. I see nothing odd about a gathering before everyone goes off for the 'say yes to the dress' event. That sounds like a blast! Maybe it is regional/cultural because none of the weddings I have been associated with have had this type of event. I’d never heard of dollar dances until here either. The only groom’s cake I’ve seen is in the movie Steel Magnolias. I think that there are many wedding traditions that are regional/cultural.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 28, 2019 15:01:11 GMT
I’d never heard of dollar dances until here either. The only groom’s cake I’ve seen is in the movie Steel Magnolias. I wasn't familiar with dollar dances either. I haven't even been to wedding that had that. Groom's cakes seem to be one of those new wedding trends that's being universally adopted. I have seen those at many recent weddings.
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Post by manda on Nov 28, 2019 17:28:52 GMT
Well, for the most recent wedding in our family, four of us drove 7 hours and the bride's mother flew cross-country to be their for the weekend. The big day started with a limo picking us up, visit to bridal boutique one, a wine-tasting & tapas lunch, and visit to a second dress shop. I see nothing odd about a gathering before everyone goes off for the 'say yes to the dress' event. That sounds like a blast! Maybe it is regional/cultural because none of the weddings I have been associated with have had this type of event. I’d never heard of dollar dances until here either. The only groom’s cake I’ve seen is in the movie Steel Magnolias. I think that there are many wedding traditions that are regional/cultural. The TV show ‘Say Yes to the Dress’ has turned this into a thing in the past 5-10 years. Personally I think it’s over the top. I recently bought my wedding dress and was by myself so I wouldn’t have to hear all the opinions. 😝 I’ve seen grooms cake at most wedding I have attended but we aren’t having one. Heard of the dollar dance and think those are tacky. OP, I have to say I don’t really hear an apology in your post. However, if you were invited to attend the day’s activities, you should go. Do not let this other stuff come up. Just be nice and quiet and support the bride.
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Post by just PEAchy on Nov 28, 2019 17:57:06 GMT
Dress shopping is just the beginning of many more events leading up to the wedding. You & your estranged daughter need to find a way to get along for the sake of the bride. Go to all the events, be cordial, hold back any sadness, resentment or anger between you & estranged daughter. Don’t try to solve your problems in the midst of what should be the happiest time for your other daughter.
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gramma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,906
Location: Sacramento, Ca
Aug 29, 2014 3:09:48 GMT
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Post by gramma on Nov 28, 2019 18:27:25 GMT
Parenting adult children is sooooo much harder than parenting babies or toddlers or teens. You want, at all costs, to keep from doing or saying anything that will make it impossible for her to "come home". Not home to your physical home but home to your heart and soul.
At one time our oldest was so very angry with us. We had co-signed on a car for him and he did not make the payments. We let the car be repossessed. He stood in our driveway and screamed at me that he F'ing hated me and hoped that I would F'ing die. We didn't see him for 2 years after that. But time heals. Now he is married with kids of his own, lives close and is here to help all the time. He and his dad go to car things together and have a great relationship. Time - it took time and being willing to accept his overture when he was ready to "come home"
So - a zipped lip, pasted on smile when you are in a group and an open heart are my advice to you. Swallow hard and save the tears for the privacy of your home.
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