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Post by mustlovecats on Nov 28, 2019 1:39:19 GMT
It sounds like there was an event or issue that caused a rift.
My advice is that showing up and being open, warm, and relational at whatever the coming event is, is good optics. No demands or discussion, just relationship.
That is my instinct based on what I’m reading. That perhaps rather than continuing to apologize and trying to hash it out, that showing up and being lovely may do a lot to make amends.
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2019 1:42:59 GMT
to take part in a very important moment in my other daughter's life I say you suck it up and go to be a part of this important moment in your other daughter's life. Don't bring up the issue or make anything about you. After the event has passed, try to apologize one more time and then you need to move on from it. Your daughter will either stay pissed or she won't, but you have no control over that. |
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janeinbama
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,174 
Location: Alabama
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Post by janeinbama on Nov 28, 2019 1:49:35 GMT
Please go, smile and shut up. Keep yourDH or your someone close to you by your side all night. Don't be the first to leave, but leave shortly thereafter. Parenting adult children is not for the weak of heart. You can do this, it won't be easy and hopefully it will all blow over shortly.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 9:19:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 1:55:22 GMT
1. Go!
2. Your other child isn't lying is she? She seems to the be the middle person in all of this. I hope she isn't saying things to both of you to cause strife.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Nov 28, 2019 2:01:48 GMT
For your other daughters sake, i'd go and sweep it under the carpet! Be sweet and friendly and keep the issue stuffed far under the carpet for the day.
After the event passes, i'd ask to meet with the dd you have an issue with. She says she's not being heard so i'd hear her out and then ask her what she needs from you to forgive you...because it seems like the apology isn't working. Then i'd take some time to consider her feelings before moving on to how you feel and wanting her to hear you out....because it doesn't seem like she cares at the moment and you'll likely undo everything if you then want her to hear you out.
I've had issues with my mother the last few years so I can kind of relate...except my sister is in middle instigating things. Some things that have exacerbated it on my end are the fact that my mother won't discuss never mind apologize. I apologized early on trying to smooth things over, not realizing the behind the scenes sister involvement. Lastly I hear through various friends/family that she's talking crap about me behind my back (basically she's the victim, which makes me out to be the bad guy.)
My advice based on my own experience would be to keep the issue between those involved only. If you want to resolve this, you need to talk it out. You need to really hear what she needs to resolve it. While you may not be in the wrong here, you may have to accept that she feels you are in order to rebuild the relationship.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 9:19:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 2:06:41 GMT
1. Go! 2. Your other child isn't lying is she? She seems to the be the middle person in all of this. I hope she isn't saying things to both of you to cause strife. No she's not lying, she's been stuck in the middle. She's facilitated a lot since my other daughter won't even speak to her parents. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 9:19:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 2:08:29 GMT
1. Go! 2. Your other child isn't lying is she? She seems to the be the middle person in all of this. I hope she isn't saying things to both of you to cause strife. No she's not lying, she's been stuck in the middle. She's facilitated a lot since my other daughter won't even speak to her parents. Okay, wasn't sure if she was adding to the tension. |
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Post by myshelly on Nov 28, 2019 2:11:54 GMT
I don’t think the peas can give you good, relevant advice without knowing the whole back issue. I really think what you need is a healthy dose of the peas helping you see this issue from her point of view.
That said, you need to go. Period, full stop, the end. If it’s an important moment in your daughter’s moment you need to be there. Don’t cause a rift with the other daughter by not showing.
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Post by christine58 on Nov 28, 2019 2:15:27 GMT
Your first two posts are odd. I feel like you’re F—— with us.
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Post by femalebusiness on Nov 28, 2019 2:19:04 GMT
And you say she won't even speak to her parents. Isn't that you? I'd have said us.
Go to the event, be pleasant, don't discuss the problem and don't stay too long. If daughter brings it up or starts something, politely leave. Do not engage.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 9:19:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 2:23:21 GMT
And you say she won't even speak to her parents. Isn't that you? I'd have said us. Go to the event, be pleasant, don't discuss the problem and don't stay too long. If daughter brings it up or starts something, politely leave. Do not engage. I was trying not be confusing by saying us, since I was talking about my other daughter in that post. I said us in everything else. |
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Post by disneypal on Nov 28, 2019 2:26:27 GMT
You should go the house. Think of your other DD and be pleasant. Do not bring up the other incident or apologize while there, just stick to the current days activities
Perhaps, if all goes well, then DD that hadn’t been speaking with you will be open (at a later date) to discussing the situation with you again
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 9:19:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 2:28:12 GMT
Your first two posts are odd. I feel like you’re F—— with us. The whole thing is odd, but I can assure you I'm not F—— with you. The event in this post is related to the first post, if that helps. |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2019 2:28:15 GMT
Edited: I feel like this is getting missed. I'm wondering if I should skip the part at her house and just go to the event itself. The part at estranged daughter's house is not the event, just a pre-event. What would the daughter the event is for want? |
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Post by freecharlie on Nov 28, 2019 2:30:00 GMT
Okay here's my guess, the event is for is an engagement party for one DD. DD that is mad at you wants to do something at her house before the party that probably just includes family.
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Post by myshelly on Nov 28, 2019 2:32:13 GMT
No, I’m not missing the part in the edit.
You’re invited (which, hello, is an olive branch from DD), it’s important, you go. You suck it up, stand there, smile and nod. Be there.
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,305
Location: MN
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Post by smcast on Nov 28, 2019 2:32:42 GMT
I'd go and act like you normally would. You've done what you can, ball is in dd's court. Sounds like you can't win, no matter what you do.
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Post by elaine on Nov 28, 2019 2:40:04 GMT
Since you created a new identity to discuss this, just go ahead and tell us what you did and what the event is.
I really don’t have much interest in giving advice about a situation that no one but you really knows what the specifics are. They are crucial to giving you advice.
If you honestly want help, then actually talk about what happened and what the upcoming “event” is, and for heavens sake don’t complain then when you feel like people don’t understand your vague convoluted storyline.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Nov 28, 2019 2:43:11 GMT
Edited: I feel like this is getting missed. I'm wondering if I should skip the part at her house and just go to the event itself. The part at estranged daughter's house is not the event, just a pre-event. If you want a relationship with both daughters, go. Go to both events. Go to all events. Be there. And while there for an event/party/celebration/milestone/whatever it is... just be pleasant and polite. Do not bring up any of the rest of the issues. That is not the place for it anyway. This is a time to just smile, nod, make small talk, and be helpful. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 9:19:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 2:45:22 GMT
Go and act like nothing is wrong for the sake of DD2 and also stop involving her in issues with DD1. I really think DD1 has emotional issues. I say this because my former SIL was the same way. Everything was a perceived slight. Once you apologized for one thing, she'd invent another slight to take it's place. I called it way before it happened, but I knew what she was doing. It was her way to justify pushing us out without making her seem to be the one at fault. Eventually she did the same thing to each family member, methodically picking them off one by one. If your DD1 is really wanting to fix or discuss things, suggest family counseling to help mediate.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 9:19:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 2:46:13 GMT
Okay here's my guess, the event is for is an engagement party for one DD. DD that is mad at you wants to do something at her house before the party that probably just includes family. It's shopping for a wedding dress. I don't need to be at the pre-event, but I do believe I would be wanted there by my daughter, the bride. It just came up so I haven't even had the chance to talk about it with her and don't want to ruin the day by bringing this rift into any discussion of it. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 5, 2024 9:19:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 2:49:10 GMT
Since you created a new identity to discuss this, just go ahead and tell us what you did and what the event is. I really don’t have much interest in giving advice about a situation that no one but you really knows what the specifics are. They are crucial to giving you advice. If you honestly want help, then actually talk about what happened and what the upcoming “event” is, and for heavens sake don’t complain then when you feel like people don’t understand your vague convoluted storyline. I didn't complain. |
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Nov 28, 2019 2:53:28 GMT
I’m assuming the daughter who’s event it is is the daughter you speak with. Why not give her a call and ask her what she would prefer? I understand your dilemma in this
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Post by LiLi on Nov 28, 2019 2:53:33 GMT
Okay here's my guess, the event is for is an engagement party for one DD. DD that is mad at you wants to do something at her house before the party that probably just includes family. It's shopping for a wedding dress. I don't need to be at the pre-event, but I do believe I would be wanted there by my daughter, the bride. It just came up so I haven't even had the chance to talk about it with her and don't want to ruin the day by bringing this rift into any discussion of it. If *it* comes up, act like an adult. "Let's not talk about that now, we're here to support your sister. Can we chat tomorrow over coffee?"(Or whatever suits your needs.) I'm getting a vibe there is a ton of drama. Dropping the drama will be the first step to prove you are making an effort in the right direction. Go, be pleasant, support your daughter and bite your tongue. THAT is how you prove you're sorry and not just fighting to be right. (If I am way off, I apologize it's hard to give advice without the whole issue being known.) |
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Post by elaine on Nov 28, 2019 3:08:40 GMT
Since you created a new identity to discuss this, just go ahead and tell us what you did and what the event is. I really don’t have much interest in giving advice about a situation that no one but you really knows what the specifics are. They are crucial to giving you advice. If you honestly want help, then actually talk about what happened and what the upcoming “event” is, and for heavens sake don’t complain then when you feel like people don’t understand your vague convoluted storyline. I didn't complain. The edit where you added that we were all missing the part about the pre-event/event stuff came across as complaining to me. My apologies if you didn’t mean it that way. There is clearly cultural issues at play because I have never heard of so much made of wedding dress shopping amongst my circle of friends. No pre-events, etc. What do you do at a wedding dress shopping pre-event? Do you have multiple ones if dress shopping involves several days because dress shop #1 doesn’t have the right dress? I have a feeling that this is much more about you wanting to force the issue with estranged daughter and this is the excuse. It sounds like estranged daughter isn’t ready to forgive you right now, and I’m thinking that your continuing to press that point isn’t healthy for either of you, nor helping the situation. If you have apologized as much as you say in the OP, I’d step back for now, as heartbreaking as that is for you. I am sorry you are struggling so much right now. And that you can’t resolve things with estranged daughter. AND your other daughter’s wedding activities should be all focused on her and not on you or estranged daughter or your two’s troubled relationship. Maybe it is time to seek out a therapist to help you deal with your issues related to this, so that you can be there 100% for daughter-getting-married and not have the other stuff bleed over. |
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,763
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Post by scrapngranny on Nov 28, 2019 3:10:11 GMT
Go to the pre-event and be pleasant to everyone. Do not engage in any type of bickering or rehashing of past issues. If it is brought up simply say this is not the time or place to discuss this matter. Turn your attention elsewhere. Refuse to be baited to saying anything, nothing. No I’m sorry, anything else.
Set boundaries and stay within them.
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scrappinspidey2
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,511
Location: In the Parlor with the Fly
Mar 18, 2015 19:19:37 GMT
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Post by scrappinspidey2 on Nov 28, 2019 3:13:18 GMT
Now she, who previously wouldn't even speak to me, wants me to sweep it under the carpet for a day and go to her house to take part in a very important moment in my other daughter's life. She took the first step by inviting you after not speaking to you. you go. Period. You keep a low profile and not one word is said by you regarding anything other than the event of the day. Someone has to be the bigger person and start smiling and nodding and showing up. She extended the branch. Stop over thinking it and just go. She could have not invited you at all. So I would suck it up and go. Make sure I did my part to not ruin the other daughter's day by dragging family drama with me. If the daughter involved in the drama tries to start, just say "Today is not the day for this conversation. I would love to talk to you at a later date. Today is about daughter B." Rinse Lather Repeat. |
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,516
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Nov 28, 2019 3:19:21 GMT
I agree that you should go and just Be Pleasant for the whole time you're together. For the DD who is ignoring you, it sounds like you legit did something that hurt her. She can't seem to accept my apology, so we haven't even got to the part where I or her dad get to be heard. In general, an apology does NOT include getting to say your side of things. An apology is just being sorry for your part in whatever happened. Period. If you're saying "I'm sorry," but waiting to get to tell your side, then I understand why DD may not feel it's really an apology. If you are truly sorry (and not just "Sorry, BUT..."), then just sit with DD's hurt without lashing back with your own hurt. Obviously, I don't know the details of your situation, though. Go. Be nice. Celebrate your soon-to-be-married DD!  |
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Post by bc2ca on Nov 28, 2019 3:46:28 GMT
You can always count on the Peas for some good advice and seeing things in a way we hadn't looked at them before, so I'm counting on you all to give your best advice. Here goes. As always there are so many details, but here is the jist. I'm having an issue with my adult daughter who has decided to throw us, her parents, away like garbage. I've apologized and apologized for my part in the issue with no ifs, ands, or buts and she keeps denying that I did. I put it in writing and she denied there is an apology there. Her sister can see it clearly there, I looked at it again and it is clear and unmistakable I'm taking full responsibility for hurting her. Before this we were all so close and got along so well. They (her and her husband) loved being with us and said so often and backed it up in their actions all the time. They both said how awful his parents were, and that it was so much more fun to be with us. Now it seems that his parents are fabulous and we have been thrown away like garbage. I'm not sure why it has to be either, or. But here we are. She has told her sister that she did not want a relationship with us and that was confirmed with refusing to talk to us, refusing to be around us or respond to anything, texts, phone calls, FB private messages. She then told her sister that she never said that. This started many months ago and since then she and her husband, that we adore, have decided for us what our motive is for everything we say and do. <(this seems to be the basis for everything they're upset about) Needless to say, it's always a selfish and malicious motive according to them. They have called us some very bad things that don't mesh with our history and reputation. She said she needs to be heard and that it shouldn't be swept under the carpet. I agree and haven't been given the opportunity to say so yet, but we need to be heard too. She takes no responsibility for her part and refuses to even look at her part in it. It's all about what *I* need to do.I'm expected to apologize more. I've apologized over and over and she says I don't mean it, then says she's not ready to hear it, now she says I'm just apologizing to sweep it under the carpet. She can't seem to accept my apology, so we haven't even got to the part where I or her dad get to be heard. She did say she wants to see changed behavior, but then would never be around us or even speak to us. Now she, who previously wouldn't even speak to me, wants me to sweep it under the carpet for a day and go to her house to take part in a very important moment in my other daughter's life. I'm wary of the contradicting nature of all of her demands, and having that attitude showing up in her at this event and taking away from my other daughter's day. I of course would have to take it in order not to ruin my other daughter's day. I'm wondering if I should skip the part at her house and just go to the event itself. Or suck it up and go to it all? We're both very sad and angry. WWYD? I know you'll tell it like it is, but I feel beaten down and worthless as a person, so please take care with your responses.  Edited: I feel like this is getting missed. I'm wondering if I should skip the part at her house and just go to the event itself. The part at estranged daughter's house is not the event, just a pre-event. My thoughts, especially on sections I bolded: - You claim to be unequivocal in accepting responsibility for hurting her and then talk about wanting your side of the story heard. She knows this and that is why she isn't accepting your apology as sincere.
- When she & SIL badmouthed his family, how did you respond? Agreeing with them or trying to point out they weren't all bad?
- Your questioning whether to attend the event at her house is behaving exactly the way you are accusing her of behaving. You don't want to move forward until she lets you have your say.
- I like momto4kiddos advice "You need to really hear what she needs to resolve it. While you may not be in the wrong here, you may have to accept that she feels you are in order to rebuild the relationship."
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Deleted
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May 5, 2024 9:19:21 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 28, 2019 3:55:17 GMT
It's shopping for a wedding dress. I don't need to be at the pre-event, but I do believe I would be wanted there by my daughter, the bride. It just came up so I haven't even had the chance to talk about it with her and don't want to ruin the day by bringing this rift into any discussion of it. If *it* comes up, act like an adult. "Let's not talk about that now, we're here to support your sister. Can we chat tomorrow over coffee?"(Or whatever suits your needs.) I'm getting a vibe there is a ton of drama. Dropping the drama will be the first step to prove you are making an effort in the right direction. Go, be pleasant, support your daughter and bite your tongue. THAT is how you prove you're sorry and not just fighting to be right. (If I am way off, I apologize it's hard to give advice without the whole issue being known.) Estranged daughter doesn't want to talk about it. I don't think she wants to talk to me ever, about anything. Just to come and be at this event & pre-event. It will be hard for me to be at her house with her not speaking to me and after she called us all of those horrible things. That's what I'm having trouble with. |
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