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Post by lesserknownpea on Dec 10, 2019 20:29:12 GMT
At a recent family gathering, DD and her family showed up with something new: All of them, ( including DD) have BAB toys with some of my X’s ashes in them. And the children talked about it the whole week. Several times my 11 YO DGS thrust his animal into my arms and said: “Here, you can hold Grandpa!” Try diplomatically getting out of that 😛.
I know people have different ways of dealing with grief, but considering DD refused to visit or help him all these years, and still hasn’t told her kids where grandpa was and why, this latest just seems like she’s so over the top.
And get this: she asked me not to attend his memorial, ( I never had any intention to go ), and told DS she had to do that so I “wouldn’t make it all about” me.
And I actually thought his death would bring a sense of peace.
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lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,172 
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
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Post by lesley on Dec 10, 2019 20:33:52 GMT
I am so horrified by this but can’t help giggling as well. This is unbelievable. 😵
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,760
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Dec 10, 2019 20:39:46 GMT
Ashes in a BAB, definitely different and not something I find very respectful. But each to their own.
Your dd won't be able to hide the truth forever, her children will find out or be told the truth by "friends".
Hugs to you, plan to do or go somewhere nice on the day of the memorial.
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 10:01:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2019 20:43:10 GMT
Is this a sketch out of “Christmas vacation “ ?
So horrifically funny.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Dec 10, 2019 20:52:56 GMT
Your DD has some major issues! She should be able to grieve her way but carrying BAB with ashes inside is totally disrespectful to him(me rolling eyes) as well as to everyone else too.
Time for another family member to let slip where he was all these years! Eleven is old enough to face the truth. I am not sure I would have even attempted to be diplomatic in refusing to hold the stuffed bear! He was rude to you!
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 10:01:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2019 20:59:59 GMT
I have to say that I'm a bit appalled by the lack of compassion that some of your children have for you. With everything you've been through and that your ex had been convicted for, is there really a need to have his ashes carried around in your presence or scattered at your "safe" place? Is there really a need to say that they don't want you going to the memorial so that it won't be about you? There really is something wrong that they would hold him in such high regard knowing what he did to you.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on Dec 10, 2019 21:02:23 GMT
Look at it from another angle. After what a dick he turned into, isn't it great that he gets dragged around as a teddy bear for eternity? ha.
I'm trying to show more grace so I'll just say "bless your heart" to your daughter.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Dec 10, 2019 21:08:17 GMT
Look at it from another angle. After what a dick he turned into, isn't it great that he gets dragged around as a teddy bear for eternity? ha. I'm trying to show more grace so I'll just say "bless your heart" to your daughter. You made me smile! lesserknownpea |
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wellway
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,760
Jun 25, 2014 20:50:09 GMT
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Post by wellway on Dec 10, 2019 21:13:52 GMT
Look at it from another angle. After what a dick he turned into, isn't it great that he gets dragged around as a teddy bear for eternity? ha. I'm trying to show more grace so I'll just say "bless your heart" to your daughter. Reminds me of Toy Story and the bear ending up on the front grill of the dumper truck. |
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 10:01:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2019 21:13:59 GMT
At a recent family gathering, DD and her family showed up with something new: Al if them, ( including DD) have BAB toys with some of my X’s ashes in them. And the children talked about it the whole week. Several times my 11 YO DGS thrust his animal into my arms and said: “Here, you can hold Grandpa!” Try diplomatically getting out of that 😛. I know people have different ways of dealing with grief, but considering DD refused to visit it help him all these years, and still hasn’t told her kids where grandpa was and why, this latest just seems like she’s so over the top. And get this: she asked me not to attend his memorial, ( I never had any intention to go (, and told DS she had to do that so I “wouldn’t make it all about” me. And I actually thought his death would bring a sense of peace. The little child in her is grieving the loss of a loved daddy. It doesn't jive with the father he became later. It sounds like she has given up the struggle to reconcile who he had been in her early life to who he became in her adult life. Unfortunately you and she probably won't get to a place you can share grief because she has a romantic view of a loving daddy and you have a harsh view of a violent man. Impossible for her to see the man he became (which is why she wouldn't go see him) and impossible for you to remember clearly the good days of the early years. Grieve in your own way and time. Try to give her inner child the grace to do the same. |
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Post by christine58 on Dec 10, 2019 21:19:50 GMT
My friend’s daughter’s ashes are in a build a bear. But that bear never leaves the house. She died at Duke University and that’s how they got her home. But the scenario you described is beyond my wildest imagination. Your DD IMO is full of grief and regret which explains the bizarreness.
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Post by cindytred on Dec 10, 2019 22:39:37 GMT
Weird. Kinda in your face flaunting the bears. My millennial aged children are always saying I make stuff about me, as well. I think thats a thing of that generation. Just let them do their thing and you enjoy your peaceful life.
Cindy
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Post by Delta Dawn on Dec 10, 2019 22:44:22 GMT
Isn’t that illegal? Unlawful final resting place of human remains? If the BAB stayed at home the whole time yeah but there is a legal thing here. I think. Not that anyone would know the difference. Maybe I am wrong.
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 10:01:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2019 22:47:22 GMT
Isn’t that illegal? Unlawful final resting place of human remains? If the BAB stayed at home the whole time yeah but there is a legal thing here. I think. Not that anyone would know the difference. Maybe I am wrong. Not any different than those who have lockets on chains around their necks of a loved ones ashes. |
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Post by pierkiss on Dec 10, 2019 22:49:01 GMT
Oh my. I hope they’re sealed in a bag or something inside the bear. Otherwise I would worry about little puffs of grandpa coming out every time the kids hugged or threw the bear around.
On a serious note, is your daughter ok? I am asking gently, because it’s been my experience that people who have distanced themselves from someone before they die do not get so invested in their funeral/memorial after the fact. Maybe she might want to talk to someone? I wonder if she’s feeling guilty about the way she acted before he passed away and this is how she’s trying to make up for it?
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Post by Delta Dawn on Dec 10, 2019 22:50:18 GMT
Isn’t that illegal? Unlawful final resting place of human remains? If the BAB stayed at home the whole time yeah but there is a legal thing here. I think. Not that anyone would know the difference. Maybe I am wrong. Not any different than those who have lockets on chains around their necks of a loved ones ashes. It’s so over the top weird. Yeah you’re right there. |
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Deleted
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May 2, 2024 10:01:17 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2019 22:54:13 GMT
Not any different than those who have lockets on chains around their necks of a loved ones ashes. It’s so over the top weird.Yeah you’re right there. Um I didn't have the over the top weird in my post lol |
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by rickmer on Dec 10, 2019 23:20:20 GMT
whoa. never heard of that before. i mean i guess everyone gets to grieve the way they want.
i agree it sounds like your kids are struggling with the dad they want to believe in and the man that was violent to you. is there any way you guys could attend family counselling to try to work through it? or do you feel that would be unproductive?
i think my approach would just be to have a stiff upper lip regarding him with the kids. they are adults. if they want to have an adult conversation, then i would welcome it. but enough of the reindeer games. i hope you have other people in your life you can get the support you need for your (very valid!) feelings?
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Post by crazy4scraps on Dec 10, 2019 23:53:16 GMT
Look at it from another angle. After what a dick he turned into, isn't it great that he gets dragged around as a teddy bear for eternity? ha. I'm trying to show more grace so I'll just say "bless your heart" to your daughter. Reminds me of Toy Story and the bear ending up on the front grill of the dumper truck. That’s immediately what I thought of too! 😬 😳 ETA: I know several people who have a loved one’s ashes sealed inside jewelry but I wouldn’t ever want that. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Dec 11, 2019 0:48:06 GMT
Y’all never disappoint. I appreciate the validation, insight, and even humor. I’m trying really hard to give DD the space to grieve her dad her way, but having those bears in my face the whole week of the vacation was a bit much, and didn’t really feel healthy for the boys under the circumstances.
The idea that i would show up and create drama is so ludicrous and frankly so much more like my drama loving daughter, I wonder if she’s not projecting. Perhaps what she’s afraid of is that the very sight of me will remind people of things she doesn’t want them thinking about. But that’s not my doing.
I am in the process of making plans for that day with a good friend. I’m going to need a really good distraction.
And I find myself much more perturbed by being “banned” than I would have imagined, considering that I never intended to go anyway.
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NoWomanNoCry
Drama Llama
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Post by NoWomanNoCry on Dec 11, 2019 3:52:54 GMT
I’ll never be able to look at a BAB the same way again lol. Wow.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Dec 11, 2019 20:04:02 GMT
I have to say that I'm a bit appalled by the lack of compassion that some of your children have for you. With everything you've been through and that your ex had been convicted for, is there really a need to have his ashes carried around in your presence or scattered at your "safe" place? Is there really a need to say that they don't want you going to the memorial so that it won't be about you? There really is something wrong that they would hold him in such high regard knowing what he did to you. I’d just like to say I’ve reread this post several times and it brings me comfort. Thank you. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Dec 11, 2019 20:05:31 GMT
At a recent family gathering, DD and her family showed up with something new: Al if them, ( including DD) have BAB toys with some of my X’s ashes in them. And the children talked about it the whole week. Several times my 11 YO DGS thrust his animal into my arms and said: “Here, you can hold Grandpa!” Try diplomatically getting out of that 😛. I know people have different ways of dealing with grief, but considering DD refused to visit it help him all these years, and still hasn’t told her kids where grandpa was and why, this latest just seems like she’s so over the top. And get this: she asked me not to attend his memorial, ( I never had any intention to go (, and told DS she had to do that so I “wouldn’t make it all about” me. And I actually thought his death would bring a sense of peace. The little child in her is grieving the loss of a loved daddy. It doesn't jive with the father he became later. It sounds like she has given up the struggle to reconcile who he had been in her early life to who he became in her adult life. Unfortunately you and she probably won't get to a place you can share grief because she has a romantic view of a loving daddy and you have a harsh view of a violent man. Impossible for her to see the man he became (which is why she wouldn't go see him) and impossible for you to remember clearly the good days of the early years. Grieve in your own way and time. Try to give her inner child the grace to do the same. This helps me not be mad at her, and I need that. Thanks. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Dec 11, 2019 20:08:04 GMT
My friend’s daughter’s ashes are in a build a bear. But that bear never leaves the house. She died at Duke University and that’s how they got her home. But the scenario you described is beyond my wildest imagination. Your DD IMO is full of grief and regret which explains the bizarreness. I am so sorry for your friend. Whatever brings comfort after such tragedy. |
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Post by christine58 on Dec 11, 2019 22:16:12 GMT
My friend’s daughter’s ashes are in a build a bear. But that bear never leaves the house. She died at Duke University and that’s how they got her home. But the scenario you described is beyond my wildest imagination. Your DD IMO is full of grief and regret which explains the bizarreness. I am so sorry for your friend. Whatever brings comfort after such tragedy. Thank you. She had a terminal genetic disease. I know other families who have done this also especially if their child died at a hospital that was not nearby. |
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Post by shevy on Dec 11, 2019 22:41:36 GMT
And I actually thought his death would bring a sense of peace. lesserknownpea, I'm sorry. Domestic violence is very hard to get out of and you managed to do so. But in a way you're still fighting the battle. I get the sense that it will always be a battle. I can only say that children that grow up in a DV situation are scarred too, but in their own way. Your daughter likely feels like she has "peace" and just wants everything to stay quiet. She didn't fight your fight, just her own. But my thoughts are with you. I hope you can get support from someone. And if not, I'm always willing to listen. I've hears and read so many stories and it's a real problem in my job in probation/parole. Hugs. |
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Post by lesserknownpea on Dec 11, 2019 23:00:30 GMT
And I actually thought his death would bring a sense of peace. lesserknownpea, I'm sorry. Domestic violence is very hard to get out of and you managed to do so. But in a way you're still fighting the battle. I get the sense that it will always be a battle. I can only say that children that grow up in a DV situation are scarred too, but in their own way. Your daughter likely feels like she has "peace" and just wants everything to stay quiet. She didn't fight your fight, just her own. But my thoughts are with you. I hope you can get support from someone. And if not, I'm always willing to listen. I've hears and read so many stories and it's a real problem in my job in probation/parole. Hugs. thank you. Your posts have been a source of information and help all along. Working within the system has given you insight that you are generous to share and I appreciate it. And I know you struggle with depression yourself. I do have help, I am seeing a counselor. My DIL and DS, that I live with, are amazing and 100% in my side. This process has really shown me who my friends are, and I’m trying to be OK with losing some of them, and not see that as a lack on my part. I get very frustrated with myself, feeling like I haven’t made enough progress, so your words help. As well as the fact that DD is looking at things from a very different perspective, and that’s appropriate. Anyway, thank you again. I love your no nonsense additions to my and others’ threads when they touch on areas of your expertise. |
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teddyw
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,820
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Post by teddyw on Dec 11, 2019 23:11:14 GMT
I’m guessing your dd is afraid someone will tell her kids her “secret” about her father at the memorial.
You’ve done nothing wrong except be a victim of a horrible situation. I hope counseling helps your dd.
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Post by mikklynn on Dec 12, 2019 0:51:27 GMT
I am so happy you have a solid plan for the day of his memorial. I wish you nothing but peace in your future.  |
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Post by scrappintoee on Dec 12, 2019 2:23:22 GMT
Isn’t that illegal? Unlawful final resting place of human remains? If the BAB stayed at home the whole time yeah but there is a legal thing here. I think. Not that anyone would know the difference. Maybe I am wrong. Not any different than those who have lockets on chains around their necks of a loved ones ashes. Not any different than those who have lockets on chains around their necks of a loved ones ashes. It’s so over the top weird. Um I didn't have the over the top weird in my post lol This is very confusing  "It's so over the top weird" was added to your original post? |
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