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Post by ToniW on Jan 2, 2020 15:58:43 GMT
I would be honest with your boss, but leave out details.
I dealt with a woman who was very friendly and always offered to help me and joined my committee putting on a symposium. She ended up costing us a good relationship with the venue and us losing money. I no longer associate with her nor do I attend anything she sets up or have anything to do with. When people ask me why, I just tell them I had a bad experience with her and do not trust anything she's involved in. I found out along the way, she's done the same with others, too.
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Post by Restless Spirit on Jan 2, 2020 16:03:59 GMT
I agree with elaine. Please ask yourself what, exactly, do you wish the outcome of the conversation with your boss to be? If I am understanding correctly, "Boss" knows there is an issue between you and ex-friend, but he likes you both and has chosen (wisely) not to take sides and treats you both equally. I would tread lightly. Any explanation you offer could be potentially place your Boss in the uncomfortable position of having to chose between the two of you when issuing invitations. You have just made *your* problem *his* problem - which it is not. I know you mentioned that you are more like "family" than employee, but technically, you are an employee and she is a friend. In any event, the unintended result may be you are going to be forcing him to make a choice between the 2 of you. The outcome may not be something you will be happy with. He may value her friendship and chose to revert to a Boss - Employee relationship with you. You must be prepared to be the person that is excluded. If you indicated you will exclude yourself from future interactions with ex-friend, he may just decide to exclude you from future events. I totally understand why you don't wish to be around her. But I also think you need to decide if it is worth jeopardizing your relationship with your boss, which will affect both you and your DH.
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Post by scrapperal on Jan 2, 2020 16:25:07 GMT
After sleeping on this and reading all the replies, I think it is important that you attend your boss's events. Otherwise, like others have said, you are giving her power over you. You don't want your boss to see/hear only her side in social situations. I would not say anything to him other than she makes you uncomfortable.
It might help to imagine conversations with her and your reaction. You don't want to end up next to her at a party and look like you're ignoring her. If she starts a conversation, how will you react? Just ignore her? Give a short answer and abruptly walk away? You don't want to look rude in front of others. I had to practice imaginary conversations with a difficult coworker. While others noticed that we weren't friendly anymore, they also noticed that she was needy and pushy.
Good luck with this. Hope the new year brings some relief to this.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 7:24:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2020 16:54:45 GMT
Did you say that you changed churches after you weren't invited back to the last ministry you were on? Because of her? If so, she is ruling your life and you're letting her do that. I would not talk to my boss about this at all. If you like your work environment and your family's friendship with your boss, I would carry on as though nothing has changed and attend any functions that I'm interested in. You have nothing to feel guilty about and surely can deal with this woman as an adult. You don't have to like her but you will have to put up with her if she is also invited to the same events.
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Post by mustlovecats on Jan 2, 2020 17:07:17 GMT
I work in a very small office and we socialize outside of the office with both of my bosses. My DH and DS are also in an investment mastermind group with my bosses. ... My boss has a lot of dinners and parties, to which we are always invited. Lately he has been inviting this lady and her husband. He knows there was a problem between the two of us but not the details. I have no desire to socialize with her. It would be one thing if it was a large crowd and we could avoid each other but it's generally 10-15 people at his house. We didn't go to New Year's because she and her husband were invited. I know he is going to ask and know him well enough to know his feelings will be hurt that we have turned down his invitations. Should I tell him why? Personally I think the fact that this situation has caused you to change your social habits is enough for you to be justified in saying something. You don’t have to lay it all on the table. I would say, we do this ministry together and we’ve had a couple of little issues and lm trying to figure out how to keep doing these social things with that going on. You don’t have to lay it all on the table or try to make her look bad, but you might just say that you’re uncertain how to do the social stuff correctly with a little bit of conflict going on and you’re trying. That’s all I would say unless someone needs more information.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Jan 2, 2020 17:22:01 GMT
It depends on what you choose to allow to dictate your life. Your friendship with your boss or your dislike of your former church friend. You didn't go on New Year's Eve so you decided that your dislike of someone holds more power over you then your friendship with the person throwing the party.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jan 2, 2020 17:23:51 GMT
I would continue to attend events that your boss invites you to. Perhaps you can gain the upper hand by being involved in things that she is a part of and standing your ground. She is a manipulator and possible thief. Is she targeting you, because you know the truth? Have you sat down w/her and asked her what her motives are for treating you this way? She's doing it because she can. I'm guessing that no one has ever stood up to her and that she does this to others. Be assertive and let her know that she's not getting away w/her behavior, by continuing to bully you. This is done by your presence at events that you want to attend regardless of how she feels. Make this your story and not hers. She sounds awful.
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Post by 950nancy on Jan 2, 2020 17:27:26 GMT
Do not allow her to exclude you from your social circle. That’s what bullies do, they manipulate situations and relationships to isolate people. Go to the events, be cordial if she speaks to you. Have a carefully worded explanation for your boss if he asks. This was my reaction also. Plan a few encounters with her in your head so you are prepared and take back your social life. Once you have a few under your belt, she might start declining the invites. Whether she is a bully or just has a strong personality, she doesn't get to dictate what you do. Go to your boss's functions and have fun.
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Post by silverlining on Jan 2, 2020 17:49:30 GMT
You're letting her win!! Keep going to all the social events you want to go to, and focus on being a good employee and friend to your boss. Don't mention anything about her to your boss. I would greet her at these events, and let her be the person with poor manners. I'm a big believer in "Happiness is the best revenge."
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,772
Location: Kentucky
Jun 25, 2014 20:31:44 GMT
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Post by Kerri W on Jan 2, 2020 19:01:03 GMT
Wow-so many different thoughts and opinions! I'm going to have to think on this for a while. Until now I have chosen to take the high road and just ignore her childish behavior. Honestly she's just a mean girl and my life is neither here nor there without her in it. I haven't been super worried about it escalating and doing any kind of damage in my life because the people we had in common more or less knew how she was. The boss situation changes things somewhat. I didn't even think about the fact that this is like making him choose. I was looking at it too one-sided and would rather just continue to ignore and avoid her. I did initially ask her several times if we needed to talk? asked what is going on? etc. She didn't respond. But I've seen her do this to other people and it wasn't like we were besties or anything so I chalked it up to just being my turn. We did not leave the church because of this situation. We left our local church because of decisions made by the larger global church and the response to that decision by our local church.
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Post by LisaDV on Jan 4, 2020 14:20:27 GMT
Do not allow her to exclude you from your social circle. That’s what bullies do, they manipulate situations and relationships to isolate people. Go to the events, be cordial if she speaks to you. Have a carefully worded explanation for your boss if he asks. This was my reaction also. Plan a few encounters with her in your head so you are prepared and take back your social life. Once you have a few under your belt, she might start declining the invites. Whether she is a bully or just has a strong personality, she doesn't get to dictate what you do. Go to your boss's functions and have fun. This. If your boss is more like family, then you also owe a carefully worded explanation to him. If he's really close, maybe you need to give more details. Regardless, go to the events you would normally go to.
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Post by hop2 on Jan 4, 2020 15:52:52 GMT
Go, be polite but cordial and move on.
She’s trying to make you uncomfortable, don’t let her. For whatever reason jealousy or insecurity or whatever you’re clearly in her sights.
If your boss notices your just more cordial with her than you normally are with others you can tell him then.
But in the mean time go about your life as you normally would as if she hasn’t targeted you. Her loss not yours.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on Jan 5, 2020 2:23:14 GMT
If you are asked, reply "I prefer to not socialize with Mrs Name Here".
If further asked why, reply "my past experiences with Mrs Name Here, have been less than desirable. Therefore, I keep my distance". Then comment "I am not always going to like everyone and everyone is not always going to like me, and that is very okay".
I would not feel the need to explain myself any further than that.
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Post by destined2bmom on Jan 5, 2020 2:25:43 GMT
I would think her wanting to network with your boss was innocent enough except she also pursued your sister. She’s targeting your circle. I would absolutely tell your boss because she may try to undermine you with him. This way he will be prepared for it and will know that is how she operates. Ugh! Sorry you’re dealing with this! I completely agree with this! She is absolutely going after you. This is not a coincidence. She is probably trying to do you IN with your boss.
I had a woman do the same thing to me years ago. For no other reason than we were in a moms group and she decided she didn’t like me. She continued for 12 years. It made me feel like crap; because I knew she was bad mouthing me because she didn’t like me. I was not invited to other moms events and many people who did not know me, avoided me. I also knew I wasn’t the only one she did it to. Because my kids played sports; I was constantly running into her. She would call a mutual friend and make up stories when we ran into one another. I did nothing wrong and it doesn’t sound like you did either. I would suggest that you have a heart to heart talk with your boss and tell him everything, including her contacting your sister and having financial trouble paying her debt.
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