Kerri W
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Posts: 3,770 
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Jan 2, 2020 3:07:48 GMT
I work in a very small office and we socialize outside of the office with both of my bosses. My DH and DS are also in an investment mastermind group with my bosses.
Backstory: 3-4 years ago I had a bad experience with a "friend" from church. She and I were in charge of an outreach ministry together for 3 years. She took me off the text and email lists, stopped telling me when there were organizational meetings and stopped responding to my texts. I brought this to the attention of the church's administrative assistant and the AA acknowledged they had these issues with her several times before and it had caused problems.
At the same time I was notified by the bank that a check she wrote had overdrawn the checking account of this ministry by a significant amount. She would not respond to my texts or calls so I had no choice but to talk to the pastor about the overdrawn account and somewhat explain why it hadn't been handled within the ministry.
I was part of a second ministry for 10 or so years. She joined a couple years ago and I have mysteriously not been invited back when it started back up this year. I have never had an issue with any of the people involved and considered them good friends. So I chalk it up to I guess they weren't the type of friends I thought they were and go on about my business but honestly it was very hurtful.
Recently my sister who lives in another state and has only been introduced to this person once at church told me the "friend" contacted her via facebook about a direct sales product my sister sells. The "friend" has always had financial issues and my sister ended up with a huge problem with this person's debit card. That's why sister said something to me about it-she didn't know of our history or that we no longer talk to each other.
I feel as if I have tried really hard to move on and just do my own thing. I have never been ugly towards her. I'm a good friend to others and this has been very hurtful. I don't want to engage in this type of thing and just want to be left alone.
My boss has a lot of dinners and parties, to which we are always invited. Lately he has been inviting this lady and her husband. He knows there was a problem between the two of us but not the details. I have no desire to socialize with her. It would be one thing if it was a large crowd and we could avoid each other but it's generally 10-15 people at his house.
We didn't go to New Year's because she and her husband were invited. I know he is going to ask and know him well enough to know his feelings will be hurt that we have turned down his invitations. Should I tell him why?
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Post by scrapperal on Jan 2, 2020 3:16:04 GMT
Sorry, I don't have any answers, but I do have questions. How does your boss know this lady? If his relationship with her is more important than your employer/employee relationship, you may need to look for another job.  |
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,770
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Jan 2, 2020 3:27:58 GMT
Sorry, I don't have any answers, but I do have questions. How does your boss know this lady? If his relationship with her is more important than your employer/employee relationship, you may need to look for another job. We live in a small town so it wouldn't be uncommon for them to know each other. She worked at a business he frequented and that's how they met. She has since purchased the business. He owns several businesses and I think she feels he's a good person to network with. She has definitely pursued him. I know I am of tremendous value to him as an employee. We are really very close. He's close to my whole family. This sounds so weird to say but business wise, my DH has more to offer. Boss is social and has get togethers several times a week inviting lots of different people. He has put out open invitations for a couple different things recently. I noticed her interest so when he asked us to come, I made other plans and told him we wouldn't be available. ETA: The way I worded this makes me feel icky. I think it would be better described as she would like to network with him. He has a huge network and owns several businesses. He and I have more of a family type relationship than employee/employer relationship. |
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Post by manda on Jan 2, 2020 3:34:08 GMT
Can you clarify exactly what the issue is you have with her?
Did she steal? Or is she just bad with money and finances?
Is she bad with her own finances because or the church finances? Is she embarrassed about it? Was there a confrontation? What happened when the pastor got involved?
Were you friends or acquaintances? Will you always cross over social circles?
What does your husband say?
I’m not sure you can all of a sudden begin declining invites but nothing wrong with picking and choosing which gatherings you choose to attend.
I personally would not say a thing to the boss. But I might pull away depending on the details.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
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Post by trollie on Jan 2, 2020 3:43:37 GMT
I would just avoid her at these social events. Would think it would be easy to do when there are 10 - 15 people around.
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,770
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Jan 2, 2020 3:55:17 GMT
Issue I have with her-I feel she bullied me. There was no reason for me to be excluded from either group. When we were friends she would laughingly say "When I'm done with somebody, I'm done" I think she was just done with me for whatever reason. In the beginning I was cool with that. There are just some people on this earth that aren't your cup of tea, right? That's what I thought it was.
Finances-I don't have knowledge of her stealing and would never suspect that. She is bad with her personal finances AND with this ministry's finances. I left her voicemails telling her exactly why I needed to talk to her and sent her texts. She did not respond. She and I were both signers on the account. She had not responded for over a week to the bank's call (they called her because she was the one who signed the bad check) so they called me. I tried to get in touch with her several times over 24 hours, then took it to the AA and pastor as the account is under the umbrella of the church. I told the pastor what happened with the account and my attempts to contact her and asked for my name to be taken off the account. I then took the steps with the bank for that to happen. I don't know how the pastor handled it.
We were friends. When we see each other now she is nice to my face but fake. I've seen her roll her eyes etc. We don't attend that church anymore. We did not have the same social circle until she started pursuing my boss. And I feel like she very oddly sought out my sister. Why in the world would she do that?!
At this point my DH thinks she's mental. When we saw each other at ministry #2 I would nicely say hello but didn't have reason to have a conversation with her. She never hosted but when it was my turn to host, she never came. I have quite literally not interacted with her beyond a smile and hello but she has continued to insert herself into my life in weird ways.
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Post by mrssmith on Jan 2, 2020 4:02:10 GMT
Sorry to hear about this woman's behavior. Do you think she badmouthed you to the 2nd ministry people and told them not to invite you?
If so, I can see why you don't want to be around her, and this feels like maybe she's invaded your space with people who you are close to.
Has she been attending every single event she's been invited to? I would go and be cordial while keeping your distance. Sounds like her true nature may emerge.
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Post by bc2ca on Jan 2, 2020 4:10:28 GMT
I know he is going to ask and know him well enough to know his feelings will be hurt that we have turned down his invitations. Should I tell him why? I'd be honest with him. The challenge is deciding how much you want to share with your boss and being prepared for any fall out that comes your way if he shuts out this other woman. If you aren't honest with him, it's sure to impact your work relationship with him and extend to your DH's relationship with him, as he's already noticed you turning down invitations. The other option is to suck it up and attend events that this other woman will likely be attending. |
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Post by manda on Jan 2, 2020 7:14:34 GMT
Thanks for clarifying!
So for whatever reason she is pushing you out and that sucks. You’re in a tough spot since she is now encroaching on your circle that sounds like she was not a part of before. Oye.
This is a difficult scenario you’re in now and will be tough to not place him in the middle. I think this is something you go with your gut on. Maybe continue to decline and not say why unless asked but keep the response simple without all the background stuff that may or may not be related. That stuff is just noise and will become a she said, she said. My guess is she may be embarrassed and since you know some things, she chose to ignore you and push you out to avoid acknowledging that other stuff.
I went through something similar and just don’t attend things when an old friend does. Still hurts but I don’t get as upset as I used to. I haven’t discussed it with any friends but one and even then I think she was trying to be an intermediary. I figure it is my choice to not be around her and not worth my saying a dang thing about it.
Sorry you are going through this situation. It sucks.
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Post by gar on Jan 2, 2020 7:22:16 GMT
I would be honest with your boss, although you'll have to be careful how you word it, since you're as close as you say. It would be fine just to decline events she'll be at but it sounds like there's a possibility she'll pull the same sort of stunts again? Tricky and unpleasant though  |
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Post by ~summer~ on Jan 2, 2020 7:23:18 GMT
I think you need to either show up at the parties you are invited to and just be nice to her and rise above the situation. I mean what do you care if she doesn't like you?
OR you need to explain that you are declining invitations because she makes you feel uncomfortable (don't bad mouth her).
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Post by disneypal on Jan 2, 2020 8:16:59 GMT
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your boss so yes, I would tell him why
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muggins
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,861
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Post by muggins on Jan 2, 2020 9:50:04 GMT
Do not allow her to exclude you from your social circle. That’s what bullies do, they manipulate situations and relationships to isolate people.
Go to the events, be cordial if she speaks to you.
Have a carefully worded explanation for your boss if he asks.
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Post by llinin on Jan 2, 2020 11:03:55 GMT
I would think her wanting to network with your boss was innocent enough except she also pursued your sister. She’s targeting your circle. I would absolutely tell your boss because she may try to undermine you with him. This way he will be prepared for it and will know that is how she operates.
Ugh! Sorry you’re dealing with this!
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ddly
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Posts: 3,947
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Jan 2, 2020 11:29:52 GMT
I agree to not let her exclude you from YOUR social circle. Give your boss an explanation but try to do so without bad mouthing her.
I'm curious how her business will be run if she is bad with her and the ministries finances. I would assume her business finances will be a mess, too.
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Post by katlaw on Jan 2, 2020 11:56:35 GMT
I agree with the Peas who said you need to tell your boss. If not he is going to imagine reasons you are no longer showing up that could hurt your relationship with him. I would assume I had done something wrong if a friend just stopped showing up that had always been there before.
Reading your update and how you left the ministry after the bad cheque incident I wonder if she somehow made it something you had done wrong. You were no longer there to defend yourself, it would have been very easy for her to make up an excuse that blamed you. And that could explain why you were excluded from the other group.
I would let him know you and this person have a history and you are not comfortable attending an event where she will be there. He can infer what he wants from that but at least he will know you are not avoiding him.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jan 2, 2020 12:18:13 GMT
Do not allow her to exclude you from your social circle. That’s what bullies do, they manipulate situations and relationships to isolate people. Go to the events, be cordial if she speaks to you. Have a carefully worded explanation for your boss if he asks. I agree with this! I've been dealing with a form of this but unfortunately with my mother. It's similar in that I've been very hurt by what she's done and said about me. Everything from excluding me at things i'd normally have an invite to....to actually talking crap about me. There is no talking to my mother about the issue either. She likes to talk about me to others, but won't discuss the issue. Long story short, I've avoided a lot of things when she'd be there. We're cordial, but it's strained. Recently though I got invited to a family friends and this friend has seen firsthand how awful the situation has been and also heard the crap my mother has said (and knows it's crap!) Anyone I decided I wanted to see people at the friends so I accepted the invite. I'm not going to lie, it 100% helps that friend knows the deal and is on my side...but it felt good to be able to walk in and not avoid something because she was there. You've said boss will ask, so I would decide what you want to tell him. I'd definitely tell him something about your previous relationship with her. You've done nothing wrong, so hold your head high and continue to socialize...don't let her push you out because she's there. Chances are from the sounds of things she moves on to new groups frequently...so hopefully she'll move on again. |
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purplebee
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Post by purplebee on Jan 2, 2020 12:20:25 GMT
I agree, you need to tell your boss, who is also your friend, and who might be hurt if you just stop showing up to his parties.
Stick to just the facts when you tell him, try not to let emotion enter in - though that will be hard!
She may be planning to undermine you with him, so protect yourself by telling the truth. Also, if you are uncomfortable around her in a
social setting, you should not have to attend a party that occurs as a non-work event.
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paigepea
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Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on Jan 2, 2020 12:59:34 GMT
I think you’re allowing her to bully you. By staying home you’re giving her freedom to say whatever she wants about you. Did you ever stand up for yourself in the other environments and ask why you were excluded? If not I could imagine her doing something similar in this situation. I’m surprised you didn’t go to the New Years party. I would have gone to make sure she didn’t blackball me. Have you ever heard the expression keep your friends close and your enemies closer ? 😂😂😂
I would tell boss you didn’t attend the party because of the woman but I wouldn’t just expect him to be understanding. I know you have your reasons but he could think you sound petty and difficult. After all, you’re pretty much telling him that if he invites this woman he shouldn’t invite you or that you won’t go. And while you might say he’s free to invite whomever he wants and you’ll just stay home, when you give someone conditions like that for you attending one of their events it’s like you’re putting conditions on who he should be inviting or on how the party needs to be for you to attend. All of a sudden you look less agreeable while she seems very agreeable. I’d expect to do a lot of explaining or risk sounding uncooperative.
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schizo319
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,030
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Post by schizo319 on Jan 2, 2020 13:08:09 GMT
He knows there was a problem between the two of us but not the details I think that's your answer right there. He already knows that there's a problem between the two of you - there's no need for any additional explanation IMO. Any detail you might provide will probably come off as gossip and only serve to make you look bad. Frankly, awkward situations like this are the reason that I choose not to socialize with coworkers outside of the office. |
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Post by cannmom on Jan 2, 2020 14:20:14 GMT
If you have a close relationship with your boss just talk to him about it. It’s very likely that she was doing something improper with the church account and that is why she has cut you out of things. You don’t have to accuse her of anything, but I would be upfront about why you are uncomfortable around her.
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Post by auntkelly on Jan 2, 2020 14:22:16 GMT
I absolutely would not allow this woman to determine which social events I attend and with whom I socialize with.
I would go to whichever social events I wanted to attend. If she is at an event I am attending, I would be polite to her, but I would avoid interacting with her.
I wouldn't put my boss or anyone else in the middle of my conflict with her. It sounds like they will see her true colors soon enough.
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trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
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Post by trollie on Jan 2, 2020 14:29:41 GMT
I absolutely would not allow this woman to determine which social events I attend and with whom I socialize with. I would go to whichever social events I wanted to attend. If she is at an event I am attending, I would be polite to her, but I would avoid interacting with her. I wouldn't put my boss or anyone else in the middle of my conflict with her. It sounds like they will see her true colors soon enough. I agree with this. Putting your boss in the middle will make you seem unprofessional (quite possibly petty) and you could be viewed as a gossip. Actions speak louder than words. |
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milocat
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Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
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Post by milocat on Jan 2, 2020 14:33:01 GMT
Tell your boss. Then he is going into his relationship with her with his eyes open even if she never does anything to screw him over. At least he'll know her history with you and also why you don't want to come to the dinner parties. Which you shouldn't be turning down, you were there first.
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Post by camanddanismom on Jan 2, 2020 14:45:38 GMT
Preserving your position with your boss is important. By not going, you are giving her all the power. If his friendship with her is new, you should tell him why she makes you uncomfortable. You should be able to make nice at an event, just as you do now. This women is ruling your life like a stalker and you need stop letting her.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jan 2, 2020 14:47:17 GMT
I would think her wanting to network with your boss was innocent enough except she also pursued your sister. She’s targeting your circle. I would absolutely tell your boss because she may try to undermine you with him. This way he will be prepared for it and will know that is how she operates. Ugh! Sorry you’re dealing with this!  This woman sounds like a creepy stalker IMO. No wonder the OP doesn’t want to be around her. BUT by skipping out on all of the events they are mutually invited to, it gives this person more of an opportunity to sink her claws in and hang on while the OP isn’t there to defend herself or her reputation. Who knows what this loon is saying behind her back, possibly poisoning everyone else the OP would socialize with! Kerri W DO NOT LET HER WIN. She wants to chase you off, and knows from prior experience that if she keeps showing up she can push you out. I would definitely say something to my boss if it were me and if I had as good a relationship as you said. I would keep it somewhat vague as to what exactly went down, but I would let him know it isn’t him or his family that is keeping me away and that your prior history with this woman makes it very uncomfortable for you to be around her. Now having said all that, I would also say to tread with caution. A friend of mine had a similar situation where she and her DH were good friends with her boss and his wife and they frequently socialized together. At my friend’s DH’s recommendation, the boss hired a woman her DH used to work with when an office position opened up. She came highly recommended and at first everyone loved her. Over time the woman became quite toxic to my friend while simultaneously sucking up to the boss (you see where this is going, right?) and eventually my friend got pushed out of her job because she, like you, didn’t want to make any waves so the more this lady pushed her way in, the more my friend pulled back. The boss couldn’t see why anyone would dislike this person, and my friend came off looking like the troublemaker even though she wasn’t. My friend would go home from work crying every day because this woman was so evil. My friend got “laid off” and eventually fired due to the tension in the office which of course spilled over into the social part of life too, and both she and her DH miss that friendship even to this day well over a decade later. So I would say this needs to be nipped in the bud right away now before she infiltrates any more into your social structure. Do not back away. Do not give her control. Show up for the invites even if she makes you uncomfortable, slap on a smile and be your normal, cheery, friendly self. Don’t let her be the one to make up any kind of false narrative about you. As others have said, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Good luck. |
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Post by librarylady on Jan 2, 2020 15:02:16 GMT
I agree with those who are encouraging you to continue to attend the events. With 12 -15 people, surely you can stand near someone else and then rotate out of her immediate presence at the dinner.
Her plan is to isolate you--don't let that happen.
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Post by elaine on Jan 2, 2020 15:09:12 GMT
I absolutely would not allow this woman to determine which social events I attend and with whom I socialize with. I would go to whichever social events I wanted to attend. If she is at an event I am attending, I would be polite to her, but I would avoid interacting with her. I wouldn't put my boss or anyone else in the middle of my conflict with her. It sounds like they will see her true colors soon enough. I agree with this. Putting your boss in the middle will make you seem unprofessional (quite possibly petty) and you could be viewed as a gossip. Actions speak louder than words. I’m on this bench. I don’t think avoiding social events put on by your boss, nor telling him why, is going to reflect well on you, even though you have valid reasons. Put yourself in your boss’ shoes - how would you feel if an employee came up to you and basically asked you to choose between her and someone in your social circle when you came up with invite lists for parties you were throwing? There is a high school feel to that dynamic, and, again, even though your reasons for not wanting to be around her are valid for you, your boss hasn’t had those interactions with her and apparently doesn’t feel the same way about her that you do. Forcing a choice on him - which is what you are doing if you say it is either me or her (or even the more subtle “I haven’t been coming to your parties because I am not comfortable around X”) - isn’t going to make him think more highly of you. I would go to the events you want to go to, if she is there, do your best to be civil, but you don’t have to sit next to her at dinner or on the couch afterwards. Hopefully, there will be events that she isn’t at and/or she will be dropped off the invite lists with time. I want to emphasize that your reasons for not liking her are valid, but I don’t think that putting your boss in the middle is the way to go. |
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Post by pierkiss on Jan 2, 2020 15:15:02 GMT
You should still go to the events that you are invited to that you want to attend. Screw this lady. You don’t have to talk to her at all. You can talk with everyone else that you are friends with. If she comes over during said event, be polite but don’t engage. I for sure would not say a word to my boss about your history with her. It’s not appropriate in this setting. Now if you found out that this woman was suddenly running your boss’s financials, then maybe pull him in for a side conversation. But I doubt that’s going to happen.
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Post by twinks on Jan 2, 2020 15:53:25 GMT
I would continue to attend the social activities. This woman is trying to make you look bad and herself look good, as in the past problems aren't her fault at all. You have done nothing wrong so go and hold your head up high. Be nice, but, don't let her blackball you anymore. This will eventually turn and people will know the truth about this person. If you don't attend, then she will continue to spread any lies she wants to about you.
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This woman sounds like a creepy stalker IMO. No wonder the OP doesn’t want to be around her. BUT by skipping out on all of the events they are mutually invited to, it gives this person more of an opportunity to sink her claws in and hang on while the OP isn’t there to defend herself or her reputation. Who knows what this loon is saying behind her back, possibly poisoning everyone else the OP would socialize with!
