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Post by paperamy on Mar 20, 2020 16:14:16 GMT
My step father passed away March 8th. My mother (73) now lives alone with her two dogs. He was buried at a small cemetery about a 30 minute drive from our town.
My mother is coping as best she can but the only thing that has been keeping her together is driving to the cemetery. She’s gone everyday this week. She drives straight there and straight back.
My father-in-law passed away on March 11th. My mother-in-law had direct contact on March 12th with someone who has has since tested positive. She gets her results back Monday. My husband and myself last had contact with his mother on March 14th. My mother had contact with her on March 13th.
My husband and I are both working remotely from home and our plans were to self-isolate until we run out of food (at least two weeks).
How can I help my mother through this? She doesn’t need to be driving back and forth to cemetery. She’s grieving and only thinking about herself, which under normal circumstances would be complete acceptable and understandable...but these aren’t normal times.
If I can convince her to stay home...do you think it would be okay to split my time between my house and hers, once we know my step-mothers status? My guy says no...but my heart is breaking. I know my husband and I could still be positive if his mother is negative...but we are not showing symptoms so I don’t want to waste a test that could go to someone more needing.
I need guidance. And honesty on what I should and shouldn’t do to help my mother.
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 20, 2020 16:18:22 GMT
Unless you are a shelter in place area, I see nothing wrong with driving time the cemetery. She shouldn't be coming into contact with people there.
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Post by ntsf on Mar 20, 2020 16:19:13 GMT
it probably doesn't hurt to drive to cemetery.. but maybe she could call a friend, a clergyperson every day?
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,173 
Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Mar 20, 2020 16:22:36 GMT
I’m not sure that there is any risk to your mom in driving to and from the cemetery, assuming she doesn’t have contact with others while there. If it helps her, I would not jump to cutting her off from that.
Of course, though, there is the issue of having been exposed and being at risk herself, and needing to isolate herself.
I would not be splitting your time, just because you could be increasing the risk to both her and yourself and your husband.
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Post by christine58 on Mar 20, 2020 16:27:32 GMT
Let her drive to the cemetery. Do not go see your mother for 14 days since you were exposed. There is NO danger in her going to the cemetery...NONE and it will do her mental health good
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PrettyInPeank
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,691
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Post by PrettyInPeank on Mar 20, 2020 16:27:33 GMT
I don’t see anything wrong with her driving there and back honestly, especially considering the situation.
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
Posts: 3,825
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Post by CeeScraps on Mar 20, 2020 16:29:28 GMT
Do you have photos from the cemetery? Does she and can she get use a computer? Take a video of the site and let her play it.
I will tell you when my dad died I was pregnant and on bedrest. My husband was newly diagnosed with cancer. He had appointments I could not take him to. He was so sick he couldn't drive. My mom stayed with us for quite a long time. It was a blessing.
Now how does this relate to your story....I lived 45 minutes from where my dad is buried. My mom would go to the cemetery often. She's drive there, spend time and then return to help us. She said she just had to to be with him.
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Post by gotranch on Mar 20, 2020 16:31:21 GMT
Honestly, as someone who just lost my dd just seven months ago. I do think she needs to drive to the cemetery. That is how she is working through her grief. To me it seems appropriate especially since it is likely she has very little contact with others. I definitely would not be going to spend time with her until your mil's test comes back on Monday even though your mom also had that contact.
So sorry for the losses of your family members. I am sure you are all grieving.
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Post by Ramona on Mar 20, 2020 16:39:11 GMT
Please be gentle with your mother. She is lost and if it helps her to go to the cemetery, don't criticize. It can't be explained. My dear husband died in October, I did the same thing.
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Post by fiddlesticks on Mar 20, 2020 16:39:45 GMT
Grief is such a strange creature. It is so hard to know what is going to help someone. Help to one person could be the worst thing to do for someone else. Unless she is coming into contact with people, I think it is ok to drive around. My husband and I went for a drive yesterday just to get out of the house. We didn't stop anywhere.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 3, 2024 2:51:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2020 16:49:45 GMT
We are shelter in place and we are allowed to take walks so I don't see why she wouldn't be able to visit the cemetery. Can you drop off/order her a device for her to do video chats? Xfinity announced free hotspot access for everyone, not just their own customers, so if you have reception, that might be an option.
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Post by paperamy on Mar 20, 2020 16:51:23 GMT
Thanks everyone. My sister is giving me a hard time because my mother is going to cemetery. (My sister also has not been there for my mom like I have. She never once went to visit our step-father while he was in hospitals and care facilities for 2 months before his death)
I needed to hear your responses. Thank you. It’s been a hard couple of months. I loved my stepfather so it’s been hard watching him decline and supporting my mother while I am also grieving.
We are In Mississippi and not on any restrictions (yet). We only have 2 cases in our county but statewide went from 50 cases yesterday to 80 today. So I fear what may come.
I’ve talked to her after reading your responses. Told her to keep going if she needs to but avoid contact with anyone. She asked if I could come over and I told her not yet but soon. We are now 7 days after contact with his mother....so I’ll stick to the 14 days.
After 14 days, as long as I have had remained isolated and she’s stayed isolated as well, I should be okay to visit her right?
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LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
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Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
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Post by LeaP on Mar 20, 2020 16:58:10 GMT
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Post by paperamy on Mar 20, 2020 17:14:29 GMT
We are shelter in place and we are allowed to take walks so I don't see why she wouldn't be able to visit the cemetery. Can you drop off/order her a device for her to do video chats? Xfinity announced free hotspot access for everyone, not just their own customers, so if you have reception, that might be an option. Thank you. That makes me feel a lot better. We both have iPhones so we could FaceTime if she wanted but she doesn’t like webcams. I am dropping everything to talk to her whenever she calls and I’m texting her often. She likes my gifs. She just wants me and my husband around. She LOVES my husband (we joke that he’s her favorite out of all of us). She does have two golden retrievers so I’m glad she has them. I know it’s not the same, but at least her house isn’t completely empty. I’m trying to find a Nintendo switch to order her. She used to play video games with me when I was in high school and I mentioned it to her and she sounded excited. |
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
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Post by scrapngranny on Mar 20, 2020 17:29:31 GMT
As soon as you are sure all of you are not infected, it would be safe for you to go back and forth to your mother’s as long as neither of you are seeing any one else except the 3 of you. Make sure you are all safe!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 3, 2024 2:51:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2020 17:29:33 GMT
That is interesting! I now have to look that up and now wondering if the Yvonne light we have for the bird is doing any good in the house. |
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Post by jenjie on Mar 20, 2020 17:59:02 GMT
I’m so sorry for these losses and at such a time. I agree with the others and I’m glad you’re supporting your mom and encouraging her to go to the cemetery and act responsibly.
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Post by Really Red on Mar 20, 2020 19:39:15 GMT
Oh paperamy I am so sorry for all your losses. One more week, it seems, but such a long week. She may not like Facetime at first, but maybe once she tries it will be better. Still, it is so so hard. I wonder if you can send your mom some notes through the mail? Sometimes it's nice to get some sweet uplifting cards in the mail. Maybe you have a lot of scrap supplies? gotranch - just a million hugs to you. I cannot imagine. It would be impossible enough, but given our circumstances now, even worse, if that seems possible. Many, many hugs. |
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