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Post by **Angie** on Oct 31, 2014 16:03:46 GMT
do what the other kids' parents let them do.
I don't let ds go hang out in a nearby neighborhood. It's a place I won't go to unless I have my pepper spray and phone ready to dial 911. The other parents don't have a problem with the drug activity and random fights, but I do.
I won't let ds walk to a wooded park two miles away because he would have to walk along a busy unlit road with no shoulder or sidewalk OR cut through the bad neighborhood to get there. And once he gets there, it's a heavily wooded area around a reservoir.
These kids get out of school at 2:30 and some of their parents don't even know where they are until they get home at 9-9:30, but I'm the bad parent because I insist ds answer his phone if he's out roaming our neighborhood.
Let's see, what else..... I won't let him eat junk food whenever he wants....I won't buy him a smartphone....I won't let him stay up as late as he wants at night....I won't let him watch whatever he wants....I haven't bought him an Xbox One.....
I've gotten so tired of explaining my reasons that I just say "no" and I'm so tired of even saying that.
And then I wonder if I'm over-reacting. I just don't know anymore.
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Post by melanell on Oct 31, 2014 16:10:40 GMT
Well, the neighborhood issue and the walking to the park don't apply to us, but my son doesn't have or get to do all of the other things you mentioned. So your son isn't alone in the world.
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Post by craftsbycarolyn on Oct 31, 2014 16:20:51 GMT
How old is your son?
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 31, 2014 16:23:30 GMT
If you listen to my kids, I am the only parent in THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD that imposes rules on various situations in their lives depending on the day and the thing they want or want to do.
So my advice here? Don't listen to your kid, just keep on keeping on, do what is best for your family and just smile, grit your teeth and say "because I said so."
Oh wait, one other thing...you didn't say how old your son is. As my kids got older, I was constantly evaluating the rules. Some, I realized, were there just because of tradition and could be discarded. Some, like what they went to sleep, can be renegotiated. What they watched on tv? Again, some things can be looked at and reconsidered. Junk food? Again, in moderation it is okay.
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MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by MerryMom on Oct 31, 2014 16:25:02 GMT
I don't view this as being a "bad parent", but quit 'splaining'. "Because I said so" is sufficient, any further "but why?", well, I just whip out the old "Mom stink eye" glare and say nothing.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 2:11:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2014 16:33:16 GMT
do what the other kids' parents let them do.
I don't let ds go hang out in a nearby neighborhood. It's a place I won't go to unless I have my pepper spray and phone ready to dial 911. The other parents don't have a problem with the drug activity and random fights, but I do.
I won't let ds walk to a wooded park two miles away because he would have to walk along a busy unlit road with no shoulder or sidewalk OR cut through the bad neighborhood to get there. And once he gets there, it's a heavily wooded area around a reservoir.
These kids get out of school at 2:30 and some of their parents don't even know where they are until they get home at 9-9:30, but I'm the bad parent because I insist ds answer his phone if he's out roaming our neighbourhood.
Let's see, what else..... I won't let him eat junk food whenever he wants....I won't buy him a smartphone....I won't let him stay up as late as he wants at night....I won't let him watch whatever he wants....I haven't bought him an Xbox One.....
I've gotten so tired of explaining my reasons that I just say "no" and I'm so tired of even saying that.
And then I wonder if I'm over-reacting. I just don't know anymore.
Yeah, um not happening. If my son was out with his group of friends at age 16+ with a cell phone yeah maybe. But I don't think I would want my 10-15 year old hanging out there and until 9 or 9:30 at night? My son used to come home at 3:05 when school got out. (Earlier on Friday). I never, ever, once said to him "No you can't go there". He just had the common sense not to do stuff like that. On Friday after school the same as every day after school he would come home, do homework and then be free to do whatever he wanted in the evening. When he got his driver's license he would go to friends' houses and stuff but was always home by 11. (No curfew was ever discussed. Never imposed. He liked to sleep). I don't know where he gets this sense of behaviour. Maybe it's the Japanese in him? They are a very orderly society and need it to survive. They need the structure and rules to survive. I didn't enforce anything on him, yet he was home by 11. Or the guys and he were at our house for the night. I know nothing about parenting an American teenager. They are a different species and have a sense of wild built right in them I think. Maybe that's just a stereotype and I apologize if I offended anyone. I believe NO is a complete sentence. I guess you have to keep saying it? Good luck, Mom. |
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lesley
Drama Llama
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Posts: 7,180
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
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Post by lesley on Oct 31, 2014 16:37:16 GMT
I'm interested in how old your son is too. My answer would be different for a 12 year old than it would be for a 25 year old!  |
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johnnysmom
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Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Oct 31, 2014 17:22:18 GMT
I agree, I need to know his age and more information before I can really judge. Hanging out without a purpose in an unsafe area would likely be a no-go regardless of age. But junk food, movies, etc would really depend on other factors.
My ds is 13 and does a pretty decent job of self-regulating junk food, plus when the chips are gone they're gone until I shop again, eat them all the first day too damn bad. But he balances pretty well with veggies and other stuff too so it's a non-issue here. I don't remember the last time he wanted to watch something and we said no, there's 1 or 2 video games that aren't allowed in our house but I don't regulate what is played at his friends houses. Of course my 4yo has far more limits, so age is a huge factor here.
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Post by femalebusiness on Oct 31, 2014 17:27:43 GMT
do what the other kids' parents let them do.
I don't let ds go hang out in a nearby neighborhood. It's a place I won't go to unless I have my pepper spray and phone ready to dial 911. The other parents don't have a problem with the drug activity and random fights, but I do.
I won't let ds walk to a wooded park two miles away because he would have to walk along a busy unlit road with no shoulder or sidewalk OR cut through the bad neighborhood to get there. And once he gets there, it's a heavily wooded area around a reservoir.
These kids get out of school at 2:30 and some of their parents don't even know where they are until they get home at 9-9:30, but I'm the bad parent because I insist ds answer his phone if he's out roaming our neighborhood.
Let's see, what else..... I won't let him eat junk food whenever he wants....I won't buy him a smartphone....I won't let him stay up as late as he wants at night....I won't let him watch whatever he wants....I haven't bought him an Xbox One.....
I've gotten so tired of explaining my reasons that I just say "no" and I'm so tired of even saying that.
And then I wonder if I'm over-reacting. I just don't know anymore.
Trust me on this. When your kids are older you will hear how right you were to keep them safe and how much trouble they would have gotten into if they did what they wanted to. Being a mother to a teen sucks sometimes but it passes quickly. Just doesn't seem like it while you are living it. Stick to your guns mom. |
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Post by gmcwife1 on Oct 31, 2014 17:57:54 GMT
I agree, I need to know his age and more information before I can really judge. Hanging out without a purpose in an unsafe area would likely be a no-go regardless of age. But junk food, movies, etc would really depend on other factors. My ds is 13 and does a pretty decent job of self-regulating junk food, plus when the chips are gone they're gone until I shop again, eat them all the first day too damn bad. But he balances pretty well with veggies and other stuff too so it's a non-issue here. I don't remember the last time he wanted to watch something and we said no, there's 1 or 2 video games that aren't allowed in our house but I don't regulate what is played at his friends houses. Of course my 4yo has far more limits, so age is a huge factor here. This is the same with my 15 yr old dd. She will order a salad and a milkshake. She never eats all her Halloween, Easter or Christmas candy by the next holiday. So I do let her eat junk food because she is very selective and self regulates. She doesn't like soda so I never have to worry about that even. I don't really do the I'm a bad parent thing by comparing myself to other parents. BUT I'm raising my 3rd child and my other two are 25 and 32. So I've learned a lot about parenting and myself. As for movies, all three of my kids love horror flicks. I don't watch them at all. |
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Post by bc2ca on Oct 31, 2014 18:02:21 GMT
I think it is really important to loosen the apron strings and let kids self-regulate based on the rules you have put in place as they hit the teen years, so I'm another one interested to know how old your DS is.
My almost 16 year old decides when to go to bed and feeds himself except for the occassional lunch and breakfast we have as a family and the dinner I make most nights. There is junk food in our house, but he has a good understanding of health & nutrition and knows a little is OK. TBH, when he first was given freedom to roam the neighborhood, their favorite activity was to walk to the nearest convenience store and buy junk food. I was OK with this because they didn't have much money to spend and, no matter which friend's house he was at, the nearest store was a mile walk (so 2 mile walk for a bag of chips or chocolate bar).
I used to really restrict the kids TV and screen time when they were younger and they were always amazed at friends who didn't have to ask if they could watch something. Most weekdays, DS's screen time is well under 2 hours outside of school work and he rarely plays a video game (with the used Xbox he bought with his own money).
We have a real mix of income levels in this town, including neighborhoods with gang activity. The kids know this and know to avoid them and why.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on Oct 31, 2014 18:02:28 GMT
What the other parents do, and what your son says the other parents do, are probably 2 really different things.
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 31, 2014 18:11:23 GMT
What the other parents do, and what your son says the other parents do, are probably 2 really different things. Truer words have never been spoken.  |
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Post by peasful1 on Oct 31, 2014 18:28:06 GMT
If you find yourself saying no all of the time, I do think there is a disconnect somewhere. I have never "tired" of disciplining my kids or raising them as I saw fit. But then again, I wasn't one who had to say no constantly. I chose my battles carefully and for us, it worked. Of course, I don't have kids wanting to loiter in dangerous places with questionable companions.
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Post by **Angie** on Oct 31, 2014 20:00:17 GMT
Sorry, ds is 11. 12 in April. His friends are all 11/12, boys and girls.
It's not that I say "no" all of the time - I'm actually pretty easy going. We do spur-of-the-moment things, I do buy him junk food, I allow him to stay up as late as he wants on Friday and Saturday nights, I let him watch Walking Dead and play Call of Duty. He has multiple gaming systems, and his own Netflix account, and he's allowed to go anywhere in our neighborhood, even in the icky ravine and wooded area. I bend over backwards sometimes to do things for him and his friends. I just don't let him do whatever he wants the majority of the time, which is what the other parents do. And the Xbox/smartphone issue is mostly because we don't know if dh will have a job come January, we don't want to spend extra money right now if we don't have to.
The thing is that I do know how the other parents are, I've talked to them about stuff before - they think that their kids are capable of taking care of themselves with no monitoring. One father told me once that his 90 lb. daughter could get away from anyone, and that they'd get tired of her quick anyway. Another mom has let her son spend weekends alone since he was 6 or 7. Two of the girls will call their parents at 8 or 9 and leave a message saying "I'm staying at Angie's house" and the parents don't call and check.
I can't be like that. I just can't be that permissive. Ds sees that happening and thinks their parents are awesome and that they trust their kids. I feel like they are letting their children raise themselves.
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Post by gritzi on Oct 31, 2014 20:06:41 GMT
No way in hell! Plain & simple, esp roaming the neighborhood & going where DS pleases.
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Deleted
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May 19, 2024 2:11:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2014 20:08:06 GMT
Holy $hit! He is 11 and the parents leave the kids unsupervised, outside at night, in or near a wooded area...that would not be happening here.
Stick to your guns, Mom. You know best. Seriously. At age 11 he needs freedom but NOT THAT MUCH FREEDOM!
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
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Post by georgiapea on Oct 31, 2014 20:14:28 GMT
Nope, too young to have good judgement about potential situations.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Oct 31, 2014 20:15:18 GMT
At 11, I am right with you. I would have the same exact rules in place.
My DD is 14 now and we are finding that even at 14, she is having some trouble making good decisions and needs more guidance than I initially thought a 14 year old would. So I think each kid is pretty individual as well.
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Post by omarakbt on Oct 31, 2014 20:29:47 GMT
The answer is no, what part of no you don't understand.
It's no today, it will be no tomorrow.
Time to spend some time with those less fortunate who are happy to have a shirt and shoes.
Maybe Thanksgiving morning in a soup kitchen.
My DD didn't get all the goodies either and I can't imagine when she and her DH have kids that they will either.
Sometimes life sucks. All those things don't make for happiness.
Don't explain, just say no and move on
Diane
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Post by Darcy Collins on Oct 31, 2014 20:34:08 GMT
I'm sorry. It's really, really hard when kid's friends are out of step with normal parental expectations. My son is very close to yours in age. We are really, really lucky that we're part of a great neighborhood where the parents are mostly on the same page. They all have the same rules regarding staying in the neighborhood - while they're free to wander among houses. They all have to be home by dinner time or dark (it gets pretty dark around here early in the winter). No Mature rated games - and in general the kids can play a limited amount of screen and then they need to find something else to do. It makes life so, so much easier. Just know your expectations are not at all out of line - to be honest around here you'd be considered one of those overly permissive parents.
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 31, 2014 20:46:04 GMT
Sorry, ds is 11. 12 in April. His friends are all 11/12, boys and girls. I tend to be a bit of a free-rangey type parent, and I am the first one to say that I am not a very authoritative parent...but at 11/12 the freedoms they enjoyed were monitored within limits and plenty of parental oversight. And I will also say that 11/12 they didn't always get an explanation as to why I said no. Sometimes it was a flat out no, I said so, the discussion is over, quit arguing. Sometimes I would explain why, but only once. I am not getting into a long term debate and discussion with a relentless preteen who would try to argue until I was ready to move to Antarctica alone. I told my kids all the time that it was a crying shame that got stuck with the mom they did. Maybe next time they would get one that would let them do what they wanted. LOL |
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Post by grate on Oct 31, 2014 21:00:31 GMT
OMG I am that parent right now. Had not seen my DD all day, she was off from school but I worked. She went out with a friend visiting from out of town all day and then asked to sleep over another friends house. Plans seemed off and some drama is going on with a friend who was sleeping over too so things weird. i said ok but then things started changing, I also did not hear from the other parents like i normally do, her phone would go right to VM and then i was getting texts saying her phone was dying. I told her I was out picking up DD2 and was picking her up. I asked a lot of questions, she said she would take pictures of them at the restaurant a town away from where she was sleeping--- getting there by bus--- and when i said i was getting her again, she said "oh that is not happening"
SO-- I drove right over and picked her up, she screamed and cursed the whole way home, telling me I was a sh!tty mom, she hated me, I make her life miserable and so on and a little bit ago she stormed out (9:40pm here) I am on here passing time till she comes back.
A couple of weeks ago her and her friend lied so I do not trust her right now and when i told her that she threw it back in my face that now she has no reason to try to gain my trust because she hates me.
First time going through this to this extent.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Oct 31, 2014 21:10:31 GMT
Sorry, ds is 11. 12 in April. His friends are all 11/12, boys and girls. It's not that I say "no" all of the time - I'm actually pretty easy going. We do spur-of-the-moment things, I do buy him junk food, I allow him to stay up as late as he wants on Friday and Saturday nights, I let him watch Walking Dead and play Call of Duty. He has multiple gaming systems, and his own Netflix account, and he's allowed to go anywhere in our neighborhood, even in the icky ravine and wooded area. I bend over backwards sometimes to do things for him and his friends. I just don't let him do whatever he wants the majority of the time, which is what the other parents do. And the Xbox/smartphone issue is mostly because we don't know if dh will have a job come January, we don't want to spend extra money right now if we don't have to. The thing is that I do know how the other parents are, I've talked to them about stuff before - they think that their kids are capable of taking care of themselves with no monitoring. One father told me once that his 90 lb. daughter could get away from anyone, and that they'd get tired of her quick anyway. Another mom has let her son spend weekends alone since he was 6 or 7. Two of the girls will call their parents at 8 or 9 and leave a message saying "I'm staying at Angie's house" and the parents don't call and check. I can't be like that. I just can't be that permissive. Ds sees that happening and thinks their parents are awesome and that they trust their kids. I feel like they are letting their children raise themselves. I have an 11 year old daughter... 12 next week. We live in an area GQ called gritty urban chic. Not a suburban neighborhood. I am loosening the apron strings but with some strict rules. She walks home from school, as long as she is with a friend... most of the way. She can go over to friends house, or hang out a couple streets over where there are a lot of kids as long as she only goes in certain houses where we know the parents and she has her cell phone on her and turned on! I would stop feeling bad and apologizing and set clear boundaries, and let him know what the next privilege is when he can prove he is mature enough for it. Whining and complaining that you are a bad parent would demonstrate that he is NOT mature enough! IMO.
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Post by sillyrabbit on Oct 31, 2014 21:53:26 GMT
My older DS once said we were the "strictest parents ever!" because we wouldn't let him ride his four-wheeler on the road like his friends. Seriously. I told him I was fine with that title as long as it kept him safe. (he was about 12 years old). I'm pretty sure he was full of it anyway but I really didn't care what everybody else was doing. Never did.  |
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Post by alittleintrepid on Nov 1, 2014 0:14:07 GMT
When I read the first post, I thought we were talking about a 15-16 year old. No way would it be up for debate if my child wanted that much freedom at 11. You're doing the right thing, mom.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2014 0:47:17 GMT
My kids have never asked or wanted to push boundaries. Tons of things they never got that others did.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,123
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Post by rickmer on Nov 1, 2014 0:52:41 GMT
ya, i am a terrible parent cuz i make my kid wear a bike helmet (which happens to be law where we live).
my mom actually asks me now about how strict she was and maybe she wasn't the worst mother ever... i'm like...?!??! i reassure her that i have *no* qualms with the way i was raised. while i may not have loved her decisions when i was a teen, i don't see any problem with how she handled things now.
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Post by anxiousmom on Nov 1, 2014 2:12:14 GMT
ya, i am a terrible parent cuz i make my kid wear a bike helmet (which happens to be law where we live). If it makes you feel any better, apparently I am an awful mom tonight because I allowed my son to go to a halloween party but told him he had to be home at 11:30. Why 11:30 you ask? Because the child is 16 and there is a curfew that says he can't be out driving past that time. He thinks that he should be allowed to stay out a lot longer. Um, no. It isn't me, it is the lovely state that has that rule, not me. So home he has to be. Beyond that, he is running in a 5k in the morning and has to be there at 8 tomorrow morning. He isn't going to do well if he is too tired from staying up late. That, of course, is his problem and his choice to make, but it is still a problem. |
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Nov 1, 2014 3:40:20 GMT
Yeah, 11-12 yo? I'm on the hell no bench.
I am also a card carrying member of the worst/meanest/strictest mom in the world club. And damn proud of it, thankyouverymuch.
And yes, at some point they do realize that you are not the only mom who does these things. My 18 yr. old has actually admitted when he finds out his friends' moms do/say the same things I do.
Like pp's, I try not to say no all the time, but I don't think we're doing our job if we say yes to everything. Hang in there, mom!
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