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Post by bc2ca on Nov 1, 2014 3:57:34 GMT
Sorry, ds is 11. 12 in April. His friends are all 11/12, boys and girls. It's not that I say "no" all of the time - I'm actually pretty easy going. We do spur-of-the-moment things, I do buy him junk food, I allow him to stay up as late as he wants on Friday and Saturday nights, I let him watch Walking Dead and play Call of Duty. He has multiple gaming systems, and his own Netflix account, and he's allowed to go anywhere in our neighborhood, even in the icky ravine and wooded area. I bend over backwards sometimes to do things for him and his friends. I just don't let him do whatever he wants the majority of the time, which is what the other parents do. And the Xbox/smartphone issue is mostly because we don't know if dh will have a job come January, we don't want to spend extra money right now if we don't have to. The thing is that I do know how the other parents are, I've talked to them about stuff before - they think that their kids are capable of taking care of themselves with no monitoring. One father told me once that his 90 lb. daughter could get away from anyone, and that they'd get tired of her quick anyway. Another mom has let her son spend weekends alone since he was 6 or 7. Two of the girls will call their parents at 8 or 9 and leave a message saying "I'm staying at Angie's house" and the parents don't call and check. I can't be like that. I just can't be that permissive. Ds sees that happening and thinks their parents are awesome and that they trust their kids. I feel like they are letting their children raise themselves. Yeah, the restrictions were a lot tighter when 11. I am thankful most of the parents I deal with want to know where their kids are. Even tonight I had a call from a parent tracking down her son (the only one of his friends that doesn't have a cell phone) to make sure he was with my son. Keep doing what you are doing .
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Post by crazy4scraps on Nov 1, 2014 4:11:29 GMT
I don't think your rules are unreasonable, especially with the world we live in today. There are so many ways that things can quickly go sideways for our kids and it's our job as parents to keep them safe until they have enough brains to think and take care of themselves. I've already had DD (4) tell me I'm the "meanest mom ever" to which I replied, "Good. That means I'm doing my job right. I'm your mom, not your friend."
I watched what happened when my older siblings had kids and let them run wild with no discipline or rules. I watched what happened when my SIL babied hers to death (and still does). There IS a happy medium and it sounds to me like you've nailed it.
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Post by PinkPrincess77 on Nov 1, 2014 10:13:44 GMT
I feel your pain. DS is 15 and his friends are into using those cigarettes. I don't like them. At all. When he's 18, and on his own, he can do what he wants. That's my big, major rule for him. No vaping. We recently found out he's been doing it anyway, and now he's stuck at home with us for awhile. He just doesn't get it because his friends parents don't care. Well, I DO!
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tiffanytwisted
Pearl Clutcher
you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave
Posts: 4,538
Jun 26, 2014 15:57:39 GMT
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Post by tiffanytwisted on Nov 1, 2014 13:06:20 GMT
I feel your pain. DS is 15 and his friends are into using those cigarettes. I don't like them. At all. When he's 18, and on his own, he can do what he wants. That's my big, major rule for him. No vaping. We recently found out he's been doing it anyway, and now he's stuck at home with us for awhile. He just doesn't get it because his friends parents don't care. Well, I DO! And you're generous w/18 as far as I'm concerned! My 18 year old occasionally mentions he wants a tattoo. I have in no uncertain terms let him know what I think about that. I can't see his teenage mind making any type of permanent decision that he will not regret later. While I obviously can't stop him since he's legally an adult, he is still living under my roof so he still lives under my rules. I did tell him that if he still wants one at 24 his father & I would help him pay for it. I'm hoping that won't come back to bite me in the butt, lol. I am now off to ask my kids about this vaping. Had no idea this was going on . . .
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Post by gailoh on Nov 1, 2014 13:12:17 GMT
Its called good parenting ...and you are doing a great job...
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Post by peasapie on Nov 1, 2014 13:14:08 GMT
Yeah, I was that parent, too. And my kids knew, even if they argued, that their mom cared enough about them to stop them from doing things just because they wanted to or just because others could. Sorry guys, those are the rules in this house.
These days, as young adults, they clearly appreciate that I kept track of them in the early days. Stick to your guns, mama!
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on Nov 1, 2014 13:31:28 GMT
Not allowing your child to have or do everything they want does not make you a bad mother in fact it probably makes you a better (if not good) mother.
It takes two to make a fight. I suggest you say no then shut up and walk away.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
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Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on Nov 1, 2014 14:01:44 GMT
I applaud you!! My kids are adults with their own kids and now THEY are the bad parents. I tell them they learned from the best. Hahaha. It pays off, really, it does. Hang in there and be the bad parent, you will not regret it.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
Posts: 5,222
Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on Nov 1, 2014 14:06:41 GMT
And in my house the rule was even though you may be 18 as long as you live in my house or I'm paying your college, car, insurance, etc, there will still be some rules.
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Post by nnnsmom on Nov 1, 2014 14:29:48 GMT
My 12 yo twins have smartphones and I let them stay up as late as they want on Friday nights during the school year (unless we have early plans the next day), but the rest would not fly around here either.
My main "mean mom" thing is that I only allow having friends spend the night on Friday nights during the school year. I will make an exception for birthdays and special events, but not the average week. We need our own family time, I don't want to be running kids all around all weekend long and Sundays are for relaxing and preparing for the week ahead.
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Post by mikklynn on Nov 1, 2014 14:49:03 GMT
If you are a horrible parent, then I was too. I don't think you are out of line AT ALL.
Trust me, one day he'll thank you. My kids did!
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jenkate77
Full Member
Posts: 427
Jun 26, 2014 1:33:16 GMT
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Post by jenkate77 on Nov 1, 2014 15:41:35 GMT
do what the other kids' parents let them do.
I don't let ds go hang out in a nearby neighborhood. It's a place I won't go to unless I have my pepper spray and phone ready to dial 911. The other parents don't have a problem with the drug activity and random fights, but I do.
I won't let ds walk to a wooded park two miles away because he would have to walk along a busy unlit road with no shoulder or sidewalk OR cut through the bad neighborhood to get there. And once he gets there, it's a heavily wooded area around a reservoir.
These kids get out of school at 2:30 and some of their parents don't even know where they are until they get home at 9-9:30, but I'm the bad parent because I insist ds answer his phone if he's out roaming our neighborhood.
Let's see, what else..... I won't let him eat junk food whenever he wants....I won't buy him a smartphone....I won't let him stay up as late as he wants at night....I won't let him watch whatever he wants....I haven't bought him an Xbox One.....
I've gotten so tired of explaining my reasons that I just say "no" and I'm so tired of even saying that.
And then I wonder if I'm over-reacting. I just don't know anymore.
That's me too! My oldest son is 14 and has been a dream for his entire life. But now he's SO frustrating. I always get the "if you trusted me, you would let me..." Hang in there!
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Post by **Angie** on Nov 1, 2014 23:46:39 GMT
Holy $hit! He is 11 and the parents leave the kids unsupervised, outside at night, in or near a wooded area...that would not be happening here. Stick to your guns, Mom. You know best. Seriously. At age 11 he needs freedom but NOT THAT MUCH FREEDOM! I took four of the kids (including ds) Trunk or Treating last night. We got home late and the two girls wanted to go home. It was late so I drove them and no one was home. They couldn't get anyone on the phone so I made them go back with me. Mom didn't answer the phone until 11:30 ish and she still wasn't home. The girls stayed with me.
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Post by **Angie** on Nov 1, 2014 23:49:33 GMT
Thanks everyone. I'm glad to hear he isn't right.
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Nov 2, 2014 2:02:47 GMT
That's me too! My oldest son is 14 and has been a dream for his entire life. But now he's SO frustrating. I always get the "if you trusted me, you would let me..." Hang in there! "I trust you-- it's the whole rest of the world that I don't."
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Post by Florida Cindy on Nov 2, 2014 12:24:43 GMT
Sorry, it's your job to be the bad parent and a good parent. It seems as if your DS has a way of making you feel bad. That has to stop. You're the parent. No means No. You don't have to explain. It just means No.
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,313
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Nov 2, 2014 12:47:09 GMT
These kids get out of school at 2:30 and some of their parents don't even know where they are until they get home at 9-9:30 How do you know that for sure?
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Post by blondiec47 on Nov 2, 2014 13:04:40 GMT
I was that kid growing up and had friends that had way more freedom. Now as adults my friends have told me that they wished their parents were more strict like mine were. You have to trust your gut the kids will be fine.
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Post by **Angie** on Nov 2, 2014 18:26:24 GMT
These kids get out of school at 2:30 and some of their parents don't even know where they are until they get home at 9-9:30 How do you know that for sure? There are five "regulars" that come to our house after school (they do homework here). Two of the three girls are sisters and their mom often calls me after she gets home at 9ish to ask if I've seen her girls or know where they are.
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Post by femalebusiness on Nov 2, 2014 18:42:48 GMT
One more thought is that no matter what you allow them to do they will always want to do more. It is their job as a teen to always push the limits. It is your job as a mom to set the limit, whatever that is. I always said I wouldn't want a kid that didn't try push the limits a bit.
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Post by maryland on Nov 2, 2014 19:09:58 GMT
I agree with you, especially since your son is young. My older girls are 15 and 17, and they get to do a lot that my 11 yr. old doesn't get to do yet. We don't have any bad neighborhoods around us, so that isn't an issue. My older girls are great kids, and very responsible, so they get a lot of freedom that they wouldn't have if I couldn't trust their decisions.
But you are the parent and you get to make the decisions. The other kids could be lying to your son about what they can do. I can't picture any of my friends letting their 11 yr. old sons/daughters doing what these friends say they can do.
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Post by emelle64 on Nov 2, 2014 23:48:44 GMT
I think you're totally reasonable....of course, my 15 year old is at home tonight because a group of his friends are all hanging out at one boy's house. I made him ask if there would be a parent home and when he found out there wouldn't be he knew what the answer would be.
Emelle
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