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Post by lesserknownpea on Jul 27, 2020 5:14:42 GMT
Background: NSDXH died in November after a horrible week that was super traumatic to DD. She missed almost a month of work, first to be at the hospital, then to grieve. Then, in a catastrophic moment of poor judgement, she started dating a man older than her dad had been, whom she met online.
After a month, she told me about it, just saying it was nice to be treated kindly by this man. He would take her out to nice restaurants, and seemed very respectful and compassionate. I tried to talk to her, telling her this guy probably would get attached to her, but she said they had agreed upfront that this was not serious. I was still unhappy, but it’s her life.
Soon, he became possessive, needy, and manipulative. So she told him she was ending it. And now began the texts, calls, letters, accosting at work, and this week I received a letter where he painted himself as the injured Party, with a not so veiled threat saying it was a good thing she had not angered someone as “gentlemanly “ as himself. Excuse me? Gentleman do not track down a lady’s mother 5 months after she breaks up with you and send harassing anonymous letters.
DD doesn’t think she has enough to get any police action, but I told her to ask just in case he’s crossed a line they can use. I’m very worried, because this has gone on so long, and it’s so easy to get guns and even if she had a restraining order, it wouldn’t stop him if he chose.
He sends letters saying he loves her and to just give him another chance, but his actions are pure stalking and harassing.
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Post by Lexica on Jul 27, 2020 5:38:57 GMT
How scary for you. I don't suppose it would do any good for you to respond with exactly what you said here, a gentleman doesn't act like he is doing. It is probably not a good idea to feed into anything he is saying though. Does she refuse his letters and send them back so that he gets them in the mail as proof she doesn't open them and is not receptive to him at all? I really don't like that he has twisted this into him being the victim.
People date and people break up. Surely at his age, he has experienced this before. The fact that he won't take no for an answer is very disturbing. I could see this behavior from a teenager, but not a man older than her father. For the calls, don't answer the phone. For letters, return them unopened. For accosting her at work, is there a security person she could talk to and ask to walk her to her car? I would recommend she always walk out with either a security person or coworker so she cannot be approached when she is alone.
I am sorry, I'm no help as to what to do or say, I just want to tell you I get it and would be stressed as you are.
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,612 
Location: Adelaide, Australia
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Post by hannahruth on Jul 27, 2020 5:54:10 GMT
As he is definitely stalking her I would want her to report his actions to the police. By reporting it there begins a time line for them should things get much more difficult and it won't be a case of having no previous history.
sorry you and your DD are having to deal with this jerk.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jul 27, 2020 5:54:56 GMT
How scary for you. I don't suppose it would do any good for you to respond with exactly what you said here, a gentleman doesn't act like he is doing. It is probably not a good idea to feed into anything he is saying though. Does she refuse his letters and send them back so that he gets them in the mail as proof she doesn't open them and is not receptive to him at all? I really don't like that he has twisted this into him being the victim. People date and people break up. Surely at his age, he has experienced this before. The fact that he won't take no for an answer is very disturbing. I could see this behavior from a teenager, but not a man older than her father. For the calls, don't answer the phone. For letters, return them unopened. For accosting her at work, is there a security person she could talk to and ask to walk her to her car? I would recommend she always walk out with either a security person or coworker so she cannot be approached when she is alone. I am sorry, I'm no help as to what to do or say, I just want to tell you I get it and would be stressed as you are. She has changed her number. Her work is aware of the situation, and someone walks her to her car. They are considering changing her position at work, so she is in the back of the restaurant, rather than dealing with the public, or out delivering pizzas. I agree it’s best not to engage at all, but this seems to infuriate him. She is actually in a good relationship now, and loves her job. She’s worked so hard to get to this point, I’m so sad that this horrible cloud is hanging over her head. I was so mad when I got that letter!! It’s a good thing I had a garden full of weeds to attack! |
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Post by stacmac on Jul 27, 2020 6:31:23 GMT
It's a horrible situation. I was stalked - on and off - for years. Even now, I sometimes worry that he's never really gone. At one point he was in psychiatric facility (court ordered) and it was a relief.
The last time I got an awful email, I showed the police. They said they couldn't really do anything but it was good to report it and that I should talk to them any time I feel uncomfortable or that it was escalating. I'm in Australia, so it's probably different legislation surrounding intervention orders etc.
I would suggest not engaging at all. I blocked him on all social media. It did escalate slightly - he went to my parents house but my dad told him where to go. He also harassed my sisters a little, but they didn't engage, then he disappeared. When I got married he found out SOMEHOW and sent an email to my husband but we just ignored it. I now feel like ...... if I had kept engaging him, even just to say no, it would have strung it out longer. Of course, every situation is so different, and I feel wary giving advice in this situation.
I'm just sorry it's happening, it makes me SO MAD and I wanted to write because I've been there before.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jul 27, 2020 6:38:39 GMT
It's a horrible situation. I was stalked - on and off - for years. Even now, I sometimes worry that he's never really gone. At one point he was in psychiatric facility (court ordered) and it was a relief. The last time I got an awful email, I showed the police. They said they couldn't really do anything but it was good to report it and that I should talk to them any time I feel uncomfortable or that it was escalating. I'm in Australia, so it's probably different legislation surrounding intervention orders etc. I would suggest not engaging at all. I blocked him on all social media. It did escalate slightly - he went to my parents house but my dad told him where to go. He also harassed my sisters a little, but they didn't engage, then he disappeared. When I got married he found out SOMEHOW and sent an email to my husband but we just ignored it. I now feel like ...... if I had kept engaging him, even just to say no, it would have strung it out longer. Of course, every situation is so different, and I feel wary giving advice in this situation. I'm just sorry it's happening, it makes me SO MAD and I wanted to write because I've been there before. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry this has been your experience. DD is devastated. She just wants to live her life. The idea of this going on for years sounds intolerable. |
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Post by gar on Jul 27, 2020 7:16:35 GMT
Ugh...that's not nice. I'm glad her workplace have taken it seriously. I do think it should be reported to the police though - him contacting you is an escalation in itself so I do think you should take it seriously.
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snyder
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Colorado
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Post by snyder on Jul 27, 2020 7:18:32 GMT
Oh my, so scary. I definitely would contact the police and see what they can do to help and/or what the best route for her to take, such as restraining order or filing a charge of harassment. Hope she can get this guy off her back and she can soon begin to lead a life without this fear.
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Post by calgaryscrapper on Jul 27, 2020 7:51:26 GMT
Also suggest she should try taking different ways to and from work (a family member was given that advice).
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Post by manda on Jul 27, 2020 9:03:18 GMT
I understand she may not want to and I understand why but she may want to file a report for each incident. The police usually can’t do anything initially because the person isn’t breaking laws but over time if it continues, they may be able to do more. Obviously they are limited on what they can do unfortunately usually up until violence but documenting does help.
She should maintain documentation of every incident including witnesses and locations when applicable.
I would add she should block him from all methods of contact, hide or delete social media accounts, and not respond to him or engage with hi
as responding even negatively is a sign of validation to a stalker and will encourage them. You should also ignore him and not engage. He is seeking a reaction and has demonstrated he can’t be rationale here.
She should be aware of her surroundings at all times (not distracted by cell phone) and tell friends and family as she feels comfortable to they are aware and alert in case they witness anything. Again, nobody should respond to the guy or yell at him. Ignore and contact police.
Watch for escalating behaviors and consider creating a safety plan. There are organizations out there that can provide more guidance if it gets worse.
I had a friend go through this several years ago and it got really bad before it got better. I’m really sorry she has to go through this.
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Post by phoenixcov on Jul 27, 2020 9:39:34 GMT
Tell the Police as he may have done this previously and it could already be on record.
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Jul 27, 2020 12:22:59 GMT
I second everything that manda said. She needs to cover all her bases. From what I’ve read, it’s generally far better to not engage someone like that. It generally only serves to make them feel wronged and double down on their efforts. |
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Post by littlemama on Jul 27, 2020 12:58:41 GMT
She should contact the police and if she has documentation to support the pattern, that will help immensely.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 27, 2020 13:05:48 GMT
I agree, have the police start a file, stalking & harassment are multiple incidences over time and that needs a timeline to begin. Just one nasty letter isn’t illegal but over time the letters, and following or showing up at work can become illegal under the stalking laws ( if you have stalking laws there )
I’m so sorry you & your DD are dealing with this
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Post by workingclassdog on Jul 27, 2020 13:11:01 GMT
Yes I would at least go to the police so there is documentation. I had this happen to me once years ago and DD had this happen to her a few years ago. In my case, I didn't go to the police and thought I could deal with it on my own. I did a bunch of stupid things to make him stop and I should have just gone to the police. It's lucky I didn't get hurt.
So when something similar happened to DD we went straight to the police and they did do a report. He retaliated and filed a report saying she was the one causing the problem. He was lying but the police didn't know. They basically told both parties to leave each other alone. He was a 2nd cousin to one of my good friends (we had NO idea about this) and she is the one that alerted us to his 'problem'. He was dating a girl for a long time and they broke up. My DD looked just liked her and my friend heard my DD was kinda seeing him and called me to tell me he was bad news. She was aware of all his past problems through her cousin.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 2, 2024 2:48:54 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2020 13:12:05 GMT
I am really sorry. Great pea advice above.
Hug.
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 27, 2020 13:14:07 GMT
After Rebecca Shaeffer, a lot of states passed anti-stalking laws. It may be worth reporting to police; also, a lot of jurisdictions have organizations that provide volunteer assistance to women who want to get help dealing with a threatening ex (usually the situations are violent, but as someone who volunteered for such an organization, we definitely handled fear-of-violence cases).
I had someone stalk me at my office last winter in a non-romantic situation; they had sent some unnerving emails also. Campus security contacted them and told them not to come back, and that was all it took—it’s gross, but I think some of these guys need a guy in authority to tell them to knock it off.
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ddly
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,947
Jul 10, 2014 19:36:28 GMT
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Post by ddly on Jul 27, 2020 13:33:26 GMT
I'm sorry. This is very scary! You have gotten a lot of good advice and I would echo reporting it to the police would be a good step.
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Post by MissBianca on Jul 27, 2020 13:53:14 GMT
She needs to call the police and start a file. My DS19’s coworker was stalked by a customer. Following her to school, work, her boyfriends house etc.
Come to find out he’s a registered sex offender and while visiting Starbucks, which is where she worked, he was violating his probation because it’s next to a school. He was arrested for the probation violation and he told the judge his intent for my sons friend was the kidnap her, assault her and kill her.
While he was in jail (not sure if he’s out yet) she moved to another town, got a different car, and changed jobs to an entirely different area.
No one would have known any of this if she hadn’t called the police.
Your daughter should not engage with him but turn every ounce of documentation over to the police. All of you should be carrying mace too.
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Post by elaine on Jul 27, 2020 14:16:48 GMT
Part of this is about power. By getting a response from your dd or you, his need/desire for power over your dd is satisfied. The only way to not gratify his desire to have power over her is to not respond to him at all. Each time someone responds, it will drag out the behavior longer.
Think of slot machines, you start getting tired of putting in money and pulling the handle until all-of-a-sudden you get a jackpot. You then keep playing for much longer than you would have if you were unsuccessful, trying to hit a jackpot again. That is him trying to get a response, any response, from your daughter or you.
I also strongly agree with filing a report with the police, even though there may be nothing that they can do for now. The paper trail will be helpful if she needs to escalate things to something like obtaining a restraining order, or if he does finally do something that the police can respond to.
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Post by librarylady on Jul 27, 2020 14:37:50 GMT
Please notify the police as others have said.
What an awful situation.
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Post by flanz on Jul 27, 2020 16:09:14 GMT
I'm so sorry. Sending prayers for a happy ending for your dd.
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Post by shevy on Jul 27, 2020 16:20:15 GMT
Reported it. Have the police tell him to stop contacting her. Journal each time there is contact and what's said or done. Then take that to your local battered women's shelter and ask for help with a restraining order. The pattern is there and that's all it takes. She needs to take it seriously now so the stalking that be stopped, before it becomes physical.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 27, 2020 16:27:25 GMT
Why would he contact you? It shows that he isn't thinking rationally. Is a mom really going to tell her daughter to get back with a stalker? Ugh. Go to the police just to see if there are next steps. Sounds like there are. If anything, it will be a trail for the next young lady who is vulnerable.
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Post by needmysanity on Jul 27, 2020 16:39:04 GMT
You can also reach out to your local Sexual Assault agency. Most of them have work with stalking victims and may be able to provide legal advocacy to your daughter.
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Post by sabrinae on Jul 27, 2020 16:39:54 GMT
I would encourage her to report all of the incidences but also to reach out to a victim advocate and pursue a civil protection order. The CPO may not stop it, but it’s a crime to break the cpo and makes it easier to arrest and charge him.
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Post by sasha on Jul 27, 2020 17:26:45 GMT
I can't even imagine how scary it is. I really worry about that every time my kid dates someone new. I hope he gets bored and moves on soon.
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Post by papersilly on Jul 27, 2020 20:18:35 GMT
make sure your daughter documents everything-- letters, emails, texts, calls, chronological chain of events. hopefully he will just go away but, just in case, she'll have the information handy for the police.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jul 27, 2020 22:33:20 GMT
Thank you for all the suggestions and just simple empathy. It means a lot. I will pass along the good advice to DD, and try not to let this make me all anxious.
To those who have gone through this, I’m so sorry. I can feel the emotions you went through reading your comments.
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Post by scrappintoee on Aug 5, 2020 12:56:49 GMT
Ugh, I'm so sorry this is happening to your dd. What makes it SO much scarier is that he contacted YOU, also--and FIVE MONTHS later ! ? ! Did the ideas in this thread cause you to encourage her to take further action? And now began the texts, calls, letters, accosting at work, and this week I received a letter where he painted himself as the injured Party, with a not so veiled threat saying it was a good thing she had not angered someone as “gentlemanly “ as himself. Excuse me? Gentleman do not track down a lady’s mother 5 months after she breaks up with you and send harassing anonymous letters. I hope she gives a copy of this to the police, along with documenting EVERYTHING! |
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