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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 26, 2020 23:36:38 GMT
So today we got together with my mom and my sister. Masked, outdoors, to exchange gifts. It was cold but we are hearty people. We were discussing a friend with a chronic illness and we are all Facebook friends with her. My mom said to me, did you see this? And I said no that I have her on unfollow. I think she is consumed with her chronic illness and she is so negative that it affects me in a negative way. So I unfollow so I don't have to read her posts.
And my mom says, that's pretty smart of you. And I said I like to keep my friends list people who are positive and uplifting. And my mom says to me, you are so positive. She says you are successful and creative and sensitive. And then she says, I can't imagine what you could have been if you didn't have mental illness.
And I picked my jaw right up off the floor. And I realized she is my mother. And she was trying to be kind. So my response was, I really choose not to consider what my life would be without mental illness. Maybe I wouldn't be as creative or sensitive or positive if I wasn't bipolar. And I mean that. I *never* think of the what ifs as far as my total personality goes.
I might think what I might accomplish today if I was feeling good. Or on occasion I might get jealous of people who seem like they have all their shit together at times when I feel like I really don't have my shit together. But I kind of just think of it as part of who I am and I don't know any different.
But PSA, don't say that to someone with a chronic condition, learning disability, or mental illness. It does come across as though you are saying that the person hasn't reached their potential. Every single one of us has things about us that may limit our potential in some areas.
I guess as I sit here and think about it, I just really want to say that even at 45, a kid doesn't want her mom to think that she wasn't all she could have been.
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Judy26
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Judy26 on Dec 26, 2020 23:40:13 GMT
Aww...I’m sorry. As we age our filter becomes much thinner. My mom says things that make my eyes roll but I know she loves me and would never say anything to hurt me on purpose. Having thick skin is sometimes part and parcel of being a loving daughter.
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Post by CarolinaGirl71 on Dec 26, 2020 23:41:22 GMT
(((Hugs))) - I am so sorry you were hurt by your mother's comments. It sounds like she was trying to encourage you, but she totally blew it.
Thanks for the reminder and advice!
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Post by mom22grlz on Dec 26, 2020 23:42:56 GMT
I sit here beside you shaking my head. Some people just clod through life and don’t get it. You are a wonderful person. I doubt you would be any more accomplished if you didn’t deal with what you do. You’ve obviously dealt with hardships and learned to cope and be empathetic towards others. I’m sorry your mom even thought that. Sending you hugs and hoping that you can sweep it away and enjoy the rest of your evening knowing that you are a wonderful perfect person who is fulfilling their role in this life.
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Post by bc2ca on Dec 26, 2020 23:44:58 GMT
Well, crap, my jaw dropped to the floor reading this. What a shitty thing to say, passive aggressive, backhanded compliment rolled up in one. Hugs  |
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StephDRebel
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,665
Location: Ohio
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Post by StephDRebel on Dec 26, 2020 23:46:50 GMT
Oof, I can see that feeling like a jab to the feelings- You are fantastic just as you are <3
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Post by gar on Dec 26, 2020 23:47:36 GMT
Remember the good parts, try and forget the rest. I think you’re pretty amazing 😊
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Post by sasha on Dec 26, 2020 23:49:22 GMT
Big hugs to you!
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Post by Basket1lady on Dec 26, 2020 23:50:52 GMT
I think you are awesome and so willing share your wisdom and your experiences! I always appreciate your posts and read them carefully. I think you bring an important perspective to our world.  |
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Post by revirdsuba99 on Dec 26, 2020 23:54:38 GMT
Just remember you are one of our best, thoughtful, sharing, peas!!
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Post by lucyg on Dec 26, 2020 23:55:52 GMT
Hugs to you. Mom is dumb. I think you’re wonderful.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 26, 2020 23:56:00 GMT
Aww...I’m sorry. As we age our filter becomes much thinner. My mom says things that make my eyes roll but I know she loves me and would never say anything to hurt me on purpose. Having thick skin is sometimes part and parcel of being a loving daughter. I agree about the thick skin. I was trying to remind myself that she has been very upset by the social distancing. She's been crying like crazy. And she cried twice today on top of all this. And well, I know she loves me. It's just the first time she's ever said out loud something that made me walk away wondering if she wished I was different. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 26, 2020 23:57:14 GMT
Well, crap, my jaw dropped to the floor reading this. What a shitty thing to say, passive aggressive, backhanded compliment rolled up in one. Hugs It blew me right the fuck away. I just took a deep breath and told her what I did. |
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Post by AussieMeg on Dec 27, 2020 0:13:20 GMT
Oh dear. What a shame she didn't just STFU after the part about you being so positive, successful, creative and sensitive. I'm sorry she made you wonder whether she wishes you were different. I'm sure that she wishes for your sake that you weren't bipolar and the challenges that go along with that.
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Post by Restless Spirit on Dec 27, 2020 0:18:47 GMT
I’m so sorry. Some mothers have zero filters.
After I gave birth to my daughter (that would turn out to be my only child and her only grandchild), my mother’s first comment was....”it’s too bad she’s not a boy”. That was pretty much a defining moment for me. I had been a disappointment to her my whole life and once again I disappointed her....because I didn’t give birth to a boy. I was astounded. She broke my heart. I was so, so thrilled with my daughter. To this day, my daughter does not know her grandmother said that. I now have the most wonderful, amazing grandson. I love them both dearly. I would never, ever say anything or do anything that would intentionally hurt either one of them.
As children of parents like that, the best thing we can do is break the cycle. Work hard not to ever do or say what they said. Be a better person because of the way they treated us.
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artbabe
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Post by artbabe on Dec 27, 2020 0:20:02 GMT
Fellow bipolar here:
My life would have been so much better if I wasn’t continually fighting the beast. This is a fact.
That comment still smacks me across the face and makes me gasp.
We are still functioning and doing a fantastic job at it. Fuck the haters.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 0:30:10 GMT
Fellow bipolar here: My life would have been so much better if I wasn’t continually fighting the beast. This is a fact. That comment still smacks me across the face and makes me gasp. We are still functioning and doing a fantastic job at it. Fuck the haters. Thank you! I do agree that my life would be easier if I didn't have bipolar. And that sentiment I would have totally understood. |
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smcast
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Post by smcast on Dec 27, 2020 0:56:21 GMT
My take on it is that she thinks you're an amazing lady and she is pretty darn proud of you. She knows your struggles and wonders what your life woukd be like without them. It's natural. Her delivery maybe wasn't the best but that's how I'd take it. I'm sorry if it hurt your feelings. I think most mothers want a life free of hurt, pain, and worry for their children, even if it is unrealistic.
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Mystie
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Post by Mystie on Dec 27, 2020 1:04:31 GMT
Oh my. I literally gasped when I read that awful bit. I would be devastated if my mother said that to me. I already spend a lot of time beating myself up for the ways mental illness has derailed my life. A comment like that would sit in my heart forever. I hope it will not sit in yours. I hope you can just let it roll off, because from what I can see you've created a great life for yourself and you're most definitely a deeply loving and thoughtful person. Everyone has struggles that hamper them in different ways--I guess life is about figuring out how to overcome them. I'm sorry your mom was thoughtless.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 1:08:14 GMT
My take on it is that she thinks you're an amazing lady and she is pretty darn proud of you. She knows your struggles and wonders what your life woukd be like without them. It's natural. Her delivery maybe wasn't the best but that's how I'd take it. I'm sorry if it hurt your feelings. I think most mothers want a life free of hurt, pain, and worry for their children, even if it is unrealistic. Thank you for saying things that way. This is a thought about it I can adopt. |
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seaexplore
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Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on Dec 27, 2020 1:08:39 GMT
Fellow bipolar here: My life would have been so much better if I wasn’t continually fighting the beast. This is a fact. That comment still smacks me across the face and makes me gasp. We are still functioning and doing a fantastic job at it. Fuck the haters. Thank you! I do agree that my life would be easier if I didn't have bipolar. And that sentiment I would have totally understood. What if you are all of those awesome things (that both of you are) BECAUSE of your bipolar? Maybe if you weren’t bipolar you would both be mega mega bitches? (Just trying to maybe spin it positive here. Mom was TOTALLY out of line with her comment!) |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 1:12:16 GMT
Thank you! I do agree that my life would be easier if I didn't have bipolar. And that sentiment I would have totally understood. What if you are all of those awesome things (that both of you are) BECAUSE of your bipolar? Maybe if you weren’t bipolar you would both be mega mega bitches? (Just trying to maybe spin it positive here. Mom was TOTALLY out of line with her comment!) The mega mega bitches made me lol! But truly that is the way that I see it. And that's what I said to her. It is a part of who I am. Good and bad. I wouldn't be the same person. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Dec 27, 2020 1:13:58 GMT
Oh my. I literally gasped when I read that awful bit. I would be devastated if my mother said that to me. I already spend a lot of time beating myself up for the ways mental illness has derailed my life. A comment like that would sit in my heart forever. I hope it will not sit in yours. I hope you can just let it roll off, because from what I can see you've created a great life for yourself and you're most definitely a deeply loving and thoughtful person. Everyone has struggles that hamper them in different ways--I guess life is about figuring out how to overcome them. I'm sorry your mom was thoughtless. Please don't beat yourself up because of a chemical imbalance of your brain... I mean that truly. It's hard I know. When I have a bad day I want to curse myself. But I don't because it's in those moments I need even more self compassion... And you do too. |
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Post by elaine on Dec 27, 2020 1:15:31 GMT
jeremysgirl and artbabe, you both are perfect just the way you are. Some of the most brilliant people in history have had bipolar or other mental illness - your ways of looking at the world and coping with it lead to creative and caring interactions with the world, and are no less worthwhile than someone who doesn’t have to deal with mental illness. jeremysgirl, I’m sorry that your mom said that to you. I cherish you just as you are - and so do so many of us here. ❤️
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ellaknits
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Mar 17, 2020 22:21:56 GMT
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Post by ellaknits on Dec 27, 2020 1:19:09 GMT
This context makes so much sense to me because when I read your first post, I thought how the downer part of what she said was about her, not about you - meaning, they sounded like the words of someone who was wearing the shit colored glasses, you know? Then you added the above, and it made sense: she sees how wonderful you are, but because she feels crappy, she goes right to how much MORE wonderful you might have been....yada yada yada. Projection. My mother was a master of it, bless her heart.
Ain't that the truth!
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Post by hop2 on Dec 27, 2020 1:36:15 GMT
Your mother clearly can not see the amazing woman that you are. You are an amazing, confident, compassionate, kind, honest, creative, helpful, woman right now, just as you are.
And I’m glad you know it.
Hugs
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Post by hop2 on Dec 27, 2020 1:37:31 GMT
Fellow bipolar here: My life would have been so much better if I wasn’t continually fighting the beast. This is a fact. That comment still smacks me across the face and makes me gasp. We are still functioning and doing a fantastic job at it. Fuck the haters. You sure as hell are Hugs |
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Post by hop2 on Dec 27, 2020 1:38:45 GMT
Oh my. I literally gasped when I read that awful bit. I would be devastated if my mother said that to me. I already spend a lot of time beating myself up for the ways mental illness has derailed my life. A comment like that would sit in my heart forever. I hope it will not sit in yours. I hope you can just let it roll off, because from what I can see you've created a great life for yourself and you're most definitely a deeply loving and thoughtful person. Everyone has struggles that hamper them in different ways--I guess life is about figuring out how to overcome them. I'm sorry your mom was thoughtless. Hugs. Don’t beat yourself up. Your pretty awesome. |
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julie5
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by julie5 on Dec 27, 2020 2:44:36 GMT
(((Hugs))) jeremysgirl I’ve gotten those same “compliments”. It stings. |
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Post by Merge on Dec 27, 2020 2:47:28 GMT
I’m so sorry - it does seem like she was trying to be nice. But I can see why you were taken aback.
Kind of like all the moms who used to say, you’d be so pretty if you just lost a few pounds. 🙄
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