Did someone say something helpful after a loved one died?

When my step sisters husband died in a motorcycle accident there was a pastor and his wife who witnessed the accident and they came to the funeral home for visitation. The pastor's wife said to my step sister "Was he saved? I would hate to think that poor man is going to hell" I was floored. Why would you even think to say such a hurtful thing?

When my FIL died, DH loved the personal comments and stories that told him someone really knew his dad. DH's pet peeve is anyone that made FIL out to be a saint that never did wrong (not that he was a bad guy, but he definitely wasn't perfect). I try to share a kindness the deceased showed me or colorful memory if I have one.

I remember at my grandmother's visitation, so many of her friends and co-workers shared a special memory of her with me. That just meant the world to me, to kind of see her through other people's eyes and know she was special to them, too.

My dad died when I was only 25. I just wanted to hear stories about him from everyone. I wanted to hear how he impacted their lives. He was a GREAT friend and had great friends. Their stories were very comforting to me. I know he wasn't perfect but to this day, I don't want to hear about bad things he did or said. Please keep those to yourself.

In the aftermath, one of the most helpful things someone said was, "Everyone grieves differently. There is no 'wrong' way." I heard that in my head over and over when I felt like I was too sad or sad for too long or cried too much or whatever. People who want you to "remember the good" blah blah blah and move on can suck it. You have my permission to grieve in your own time and way.

not after but just before. when my mom was dying after a long illness, I remember my neighbor friend and I were sitting on the front steps of my house. she had just los her husband to esophageal cancer a few months before that and she knew my mom was dying too. I told her I was having a hard time wrapping my head around it all and she said "It's just the cycle of life". she didn't mean it in a dismissive way. it was actually very comforting to me because it meant I was not alone in it all. every day, people are born. people die. we celebrate life and mourn death. as a community, we are never alone in this cycle. I will always remember what she said.

in the past 6 weeks, I have lost 4 very dear people: my FIL, another neighbor friend (cancer), an uncle in law (cancer), and my BIL's brother (cancer) last night. so much loss with all of them, especially my FIL. he was such a good man. my neighbor was such a great father and helpful friend. my BIL's brother was so young and vibrant.

My friend lost her three precious little girls in a plane crash. She told me later, how she appreciated so much how I would ask her for advice, as my girls grew. A lot of people acted like she'd never been the mother of little girls. (She was left with only boys)

I also sent her pictures of the girls, with mine, that she'd never seen. My girls ages are right in the middle of her three. She loved it. Since then I often send photos to people of thei loved one, that maybe they've never seen. It's an unexpected gift, I've been told.

When my little eight month old cousin Rylee died, I took photos at her burial for her parents and grandparents. Nobody else took any, and they were given to just her parents. It was at least something I could offer, something they would want to look at, eventually.

I've learned everyone needs something a little different. All we can do is watch carefully for an opportunity to be there for them. My close friend lost her husband to a drunk driver. The first few days I fed her with a spoon, a few times, just to make her eat. Later it was helping sort pictures. Then I went to hearings to put the murderer behind bars. A year later I took her on a cruise to get her away from town. She says she likes it when out of the blue I just say "tell me a Frank story" so she can talk about him. I remember his birthday, make it a point to do lunch or just call.

A good thing to remember is that just because some time passes, they don't stop hurting and needing. So reach out even over time. One, five, ten, even more years. I gave a book to my aunt recently, who lost her four year old son in a fire forty years ago. I gave her the book Heaven Is For Real, and told her I loved her and was sorry she lost Stevie. She cried a lot. And said she was so touched by the book.

The best thing to say is, "I'm so sorry for your loss." I also agree with sharing a memory. If you say, "I'm here for you" mean what you say.

Other widow(ers) that I've talked to do not want to hear
"be thankful for the years you had together"
"remember the good times"
"God doesn't give you more than you can handle"
"he/she's at peace now"
"he/she is in a better place"

"I am sorry. How are you feeling? I'd love to hear more about ____" That is about the best.

I cherish the stories about my father-in-law, and what he meant to others. He lived a few hours away, so we weren't involved in his daily life, and it was good to hear from his friends from his town.

Someone wrote, "remember, he is only away" in a sympathy card.

I'm sure I have said a lot of stupid cliche things over the years. But last year I had the opportunity to come alongside someone that went to my church but I had never met. We "met" over email as her beloved was suffering through the final stages of cancer. I had emailed a prayer and we have had a special connection ever since.

Several weeks after he passed, she expressed to me -still through email, she wasn't ready to talk yet - that she was ashamed of herself for still grieving and not yet being able to move past. I sat at my computer with my Bible and asked God for something to help her. I had no idea. His response? "Weep with those who weep."

Below is most of what I sent her. It was out of my comfort zone but I think she needed permission to let go and grieve.

"The Bible has plenty of verses of encouragement but it also speaks again and again of the reality of suffering. Pretending those feelings are not there will do nothing helpful but will eat at you little by little. You need to allow yourself time to grieve so that in time, you can come out of this whole on the other side.

I want to share some scripture with you. It seems the opposite of encouragement but I think right now you need somebody to weep with you.


"To everything there is a season... A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;" Ecclesiastes 3:1,4

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." Psallm 30:5

"This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promise gives me life. Psalm 119:50

"Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows:" Isaiah 53:4a

"Blessed [are] they that mourn: for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because... he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted" Luke 4:18

"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

Allow yourself to receive the comfort that God promises to those who mourn! If you need some time alone with the Lord, take it. Climb into your daddy's lap and let him comfort you. If you need a shoulder to cry on, reach out to me. Look at these verses again. He acknowledges the need to mourn. So take that time. But then.. but then comes morning! Don't rush it, morning will come in its time. And Jesus will heal your broken heart and wipe your tears.

Know you are loved."

Obviously not everybody will appreciate this. But for this woman - here was her response:

"Thank you so much for your understanding. I took the time to look up and reflect on each scripture you provided me. Thank you for being sensitive, and understanding my grief and pain. Your statement about weeping with me helps and supports my need to cry without me feeling ashamed. Thank you for that. You are the only person who seems to have wanted to try to understand how to validate me."

While my dad was dying, someone told me "no time would ever be enough"

I still cling to those words two years later.