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May 16, 2024 20:51:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2021 22:25:23 GMT
I would forget how SIL treats/treated your kids and focus on treating her kid how you'd like to be an example to your own kids.
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Post by busy on Mar 2, 2021 22:28:20 GMT
Don't hold your dislike for her against her child. Be the kind of aunt you want to be.
Lots of people don't really enjoy kids except their own. Not everyone is going to be what you want them to be.
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Post by padresfan619 on Mar 2, 2021 22:35:12 GMT
Be careful about your expectations with the child, she may not give you a ton of access. Do what you can to be involved, of course, but don’t be surprised if she’s still hands off with you.
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Post by AussieMeg on Mar 2, 2021 22:37:11 GMT
I agree with you and the others, treat the child as you would have if your SIL were not a selfish cow.
And PS. giving money to put towards a college fund is NOT a present for a child IMO. Is that common practice in the US?
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on Mar 2, 2021 22:41:04 GMT
Don't hold your dislike for her against her child. Be the kind of aunt you want to be. Lots of people don't really enjoy kids except their own. Not everyone is going to be what you want them to be.  Not everyone is interested in being a hands on aunt/uncle or even grandparent. That is their decision. You can't make people be and act the way you want them to, and you can't make them be an interested and involved aunt or grandparent. Be a fantastic aunt if you are given the opportunity, but based on past experience don't expect it to happen. BTDT with DH's sister. As for a gift, just give something off the registry. I would not consider a DVD of old family photos/videos to be an appropriate baby gift, but YMMV. If you send a check for future gifts, please don't put strings on it that it is for a college fund. Either give a gift from your heart that you think the child will enjoy, or just send a card. |
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Post by busy on Mar 2, 2021 22:43:32 GMT
And PS. giving money to put towards a college fund is NOT a present for a child IMO. Is that common practice in the US? Amongst my friends and family it is, especially when they are little and have no clue about things and are probably already drowning in too much stuff. I actually don't recall anyone in our families giving us tangible baby gifts except at my shower, but they all made contributions to his college fund. College costs a shit ton of money, the earlier those funds start accumulating and earning gains, the better. ETA: AussieMeg I don't know how expensive college is in Australia... perhaps that's the difference. For context, in the US: Early college funds are important! |
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Post by refugeepea on Mar 2, 2021 22:44:25 GMT
Some families are different and it took me a while to get used to how my dh's family does holidays and events. Not even birthdays were a big deal between his parents and siblings. Do you think it may be some of that? We both come from big families. I am the youngest, he is the oldest. What I observed as that 11 year old who was an aunt before I was a teen was the baby excitement wanes down as more grandkids come along. At first, it's everyone is invited to each kid's birthday party. Give a gift each year for their birthday....
It changed for us. Way too many nieces and nephews. We were all in agreement our kids had way too much stuff. They don't need any more crap. Families get busy with work and especially as the kids get older. Your family dynamics may be different, but I have over 20 nieces and nephews and all on my husband's side live at least two hours away. We don't even bother with gifts at Christmas. Only for the grandparents.
I don't think you should feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do. If you want to give cards and presents every year, do so but don't expect anything in return.
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Post by Really Red on Mar 2, 2021 22:46:17 GMT
I agree with you and the others, treat the child as you would have if your SIL were not a selfish cow. And PS. giving money to put towards a college fund is NOT a present for a child IMO. Is that common practice in the US? I agree. I think you’re handling this great. AussieMeg Yes, this is a common practice in the United States, particularly when kids are babies because they don’t know what they’re getting and it’s not so important, but establishing a college fund is. |
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Post by peace on Mar 2, 2021 22:48:03 GMT
see - I am am a firm believer in living by your own code. I have a code of how I treat people. It is not conditional. I have to live true to my code. That's not to say if someone was all crazy -up-in-my-face whacked I wouldn't knee jerk and react differently; however, that is not the whacked situation
Treat the baby how you would want your kids treated. Do and give what you want. Do not worry about her. Perhaps, the greatest gift of all of this is that she will actually see that. (probably not)
You do you. That baby cannot have too much love.
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Post by refugeepea on Mar 2, 2021 22:49:44 GMT
And PS. giving money to put towards a college fund is NOT a present for a child IMO. Is that common practice in the US? No, not common with my family.
We don't give presents to nieces and nephews at all. It really varies by families. I love my nieces and nephews, but I have close to thirty and I became a great aunt before I was forty.  |
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,318 
Location: MN
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Post by smcast on Mar 2, 2021 22:49:55 GMT
I would do what you'd normally do. We don't receive gifts or even cards from dh's side but send cards/money anyways.
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Post by bc2ca on Mar 2, 2021 22:54:35 GMT
And PS. giving money to put towards a college fund is NOT a present for a child IMO. Is that common practice in the US? I agree with this and I don't see it commonly done other than maybe grandparents doing something separate and in addition to gift giving. @treecity, do what you do with your other nieces and nephews without expectations of acknowledgement or reciprocation. I wouldn't send the DVD as a family heirloom gift to the new baby. It sounds like a project you were working on before knowing about the pregnancy, so don't link them. If you want to send a separate congratulations on the new baby, do that. If you want to wait until the little one is here, do that. Families are complicated but I don't think you need to overthink this. |
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Post by epeanymous on Mar 2, 2021 22:59:23 GMT
Don't hold your dislike for her against her child. Be the kind of aunt you want to be. Lots of people don't really enjoy kids except their own. Not everyone is going to be what you want them to be. And as a variation on this, sometimes people don’t think about kids until they have their own. Honestly I am not sure it occurred to me that I was supposed to do things for other people’s kids until I had mine (although I am an only child and BIL didn’t have kids until after we did, so it’s a little different). |
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Post by workingclassdog on Mar 2, 2021 23:06:07 GMT
I agree with you and the others, treat the child as you would have if your SIL were not a selfish cow. And PS. giving money to put towards a college fund is NOT a present for a child IMO. Is that common practice in the US? In a lot of families it is.. not in our family but it just wasn't something that we thought of.. but a lot of kids get A LOT of gifts and I think putting money towards a college fund is a good gift and not another gift in excess. I believe a kiddo should have gifts to open but if they are getting so many things, this won't be missed and appreciated later. |
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Post by workingclassdog on Mar 2, 2021 23:08:39 GMT
I agree with you and the others, treat the child as you would have if your SIL were not a selfish cow. And PS. giving money to put towards a college fund is NOT a present for a child IMO. Is that common practice in the US? In a lot of families it is.. not in our family but it just wasn't something that we thought of.. but a lot of kids get A LOT of gifts and I think putting money towards a college fund is a good gift and not another gift in excess. I believe a kiddo should have gifts to open but if they are getting so many things, this won't be missed and appreciated later. Oh to add.. I don't give my nieces/nephews gifts and my sister doesn't give us gifts as well. It works for us and no hard feelings. We do more surprise off the wall gifts at random times. |
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Post by gar on Mar 2, 2021 23:15:47 GMT
Some people just aren’t particularly children orientated...they’re just not that interested in other people’s children even if it is family. It might be expected but it’s not obligatory so I guess I would say, behave as you would with any other niece or nephew even though you clearly don’t like her.
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Deleted
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May 16, 2024 20:51:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2021 23:34:20 GMT
Some of these responses have me thinking. I 100% plan to do whatever I can to treat this child the way I'd treat any nephew/neice/baby in the family while respecting any boundaries placed by SIL and her husband and/or recognizing she may want nothing to do with us even after the baby is born. And SIL lives on the other side of the country. We can't just go and see them, regardless of covid. It would be easier if they were closer cuz I think MIL would force SIL to invite me to a shower. It would be a way to break the ice. My issue is how to get my kids to understand that, just because THEY want to know this baby, their aunt may not want the same thing. Money for college: I had absolutely no idea this would such a "controversial" issue!  lol. Maybe I'm thinking about the college fund because DH's grandpa would mail a check that said "College fund" on the memo line and Grandma would include a $10 bill--she'd literally tape it to the card lol--with a note that said "For fun." They did this for the grandkids and the greatgrands--my two and DH's cousin's two. Grandpa died last year, so this baby didn't get to recieve a "college fund" check from his great grandpa. So when I say I'm kind of "carrying on that tradition," there really was a tradition, and I'm pretty sure the college fund will be started asap. This guy had our kids' college fund account numbers and would randomly add money. Anyway, if we gave money for college, we'd also get something useful as an actual gift. (My SIL gave me my 3 niece's college savings' "direct donation link" codes--IDK what they're called, but that's what I'm going with lol. They're for family to donate money. I asked what they wanted for the girls, and that's what she said. I still get the girls a little gift, now that they're a bit older and can remember it. But SIL re-wrapped stuff her mom had given the girls and gave it BACK to her kids. She is so sick of "Stuff" that she seemed relieved when I asked "What can we do? College fund?" And I TOTALLY get what some of you had said: the film isn't a "baby gift." It isn't what I'd get the baby, but rather it's for my SIL. And I'll definitely stick to the registry for any actual baby gifts. |
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Post by gar on Mar 2, 2021 23:37:55 GMT
@treecity, when is her baby due?
I’m inclined to say you’re overthinking it a bit to be honest. Your kids will adjust and stop thinking about this cousin when it’s not talked about much and isn’t close by.
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Deleted
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May 16, 2024 20:51:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2021 23:52:52 GMT
@treecity , when is her baby due? I’m inclined to say you’re overthinking it a bit to be honest. Your kids will adjust and stop thinking about this cousin when it’s not talked about much and isn’t close by. That's very true. The have talked about this baby and asked questions, but maybe that's because we've been FaceTiming their 3 cousins on my side (my brother's girls). Covid has made seeing family tough, of course, and so maybe it's like wishful thinking to see this new cousin, whose on the other side of the country. |
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Post by Belia on Mar 2, 2021 23:55:07 GMT
My issue is how to get my kids to understand that, just because THEY want to know this baby, their aunt may not want the same thing. It was easier when they didn't even really know they had an aunt and uncle on that side of the family. Not knowing they existed was easier than knowing they just don't care. And like I said, she hasn't spoken to me in 10 years. Even if she didn't care about my kids, if she and I were speaking, I'd at least have a foundation on which to build this new nephew and aunt/uncle relationship. I'm at a loss as to how to do that now, after 10 years of her not speaking to me. But I have to try. I want to try. How old are your kids? I mean this kindly, but I think you might be underestimating all kids' capacity for self-absorbtion. Your SIL lives across the country and has ignored your kids for most of, if not their entire, lives. I don't think they're going to give this new cousin much of a thought. And that might be just fine! I'm a firm believer that the family you choose is most often a more powerful bond than the family that you may be connected to just due to blood. And for whatever reason, this person hasn't chosen you. It is her loss. I also noticed that you wrote your options as "Send the biggest thing on the registry" or "Send nothing." There's a third option- send a card. Send a modest gift. Send a token. Send just one thing, not something now for the announcement, then something else for the shower, then something else for the birth. |
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inkedup
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 26, 2014 5:00:26 GMT
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Post by inkedup on Mar 3, 2021 0:01:19 GMT
If I hoped to have a relationship with the child, I'd be the best far away auntie I could be. Gifts, cards, letters, phone calls.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
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Post by kibblesandbits on Mar 3, 2021 0:01:49 GMT
Sounds like you're already gearing up for a "quid pro quo" response, to be honest. If you're going to go into this either doing only what she did, or going overboard to try to show her up, then just don't bother. You're not going to teach her a "lesson" with either response.
"And I'm also happy for this child. I don't want to treat him as poorly as his mother has treated my own children. I want to do whatever is right for my kids but how do I manage their expectations?" I'm trying to figure out what your kids have to do with this at all?
Sounds like a lot of drama.
Let your husband deal. Quit winding up your kids, or rather using them as your excuse to justify whatever it is you do.
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kibblesandbits
Pearl Clutcher
At the corner of Awesome and Bombdiggity
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Post by kibblesandbits on Mar 3, 2021 0:02:43 GMT
@treecity , when is her baby due? I’m inclined to say you’re overthinking it a bit to be honest. Your kids will adjust and stop thinking about this cousin when it’s not talked about much and isn’t close by. That's very true. The have talked about this baby and asked questions, but maybe that's because we've been FaceTiming their 3 cousins on my side (my brother's girls). Covid has made seeing family tough, of course, and so maybe it's like wishful thinking to see this new cousin, whose on the other side of the country. oh, lord. You are definitely over thinking this. Chill. |
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 3, 2021 0:06:03 GMT
I agree with you and the others, treat the child as you would have if your SIL were not a selfish cow. And PS. giving money to put towards a college fund is NOT a present for a child IMO. Is that common practice in the US? I think it depends on the family. My family was good about getting one thing for Christmas or birthdays and then also giving them a savings bond. They really helped my kids when it came time to buy books and other college necessities. They were definitely presents to the parents! |
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 3, 2021 0:09:04 GMT
Do what you’re going to do, but know that it likely isn’t going to make a bit of difference in how she deals with you and your family especially since you are on the other side of the country from them. You won’t be a big part of this kid’s life because you aren’t physically close by. I think my SIL was about the same age yours was when I met my DH. The two of them were never very close because they have nothing in common at all and are completely different people. She had her kids first, we bought those kids gifts or gave them gift cards or money for every birthday and every Christmas until the older one was about 12. Most of the time they were rude and ungrateful. Her kids were well into grade school when we had our kid. His sister would ask us what our kid would like, we’d give her a specific list and then she would go out and get DD something totally different that she had zero interest in. For example, when DD was about four and huge into Disney princess stuff, they gave her a set of Hex Bugs.  Seriously? I didn’t even want DD to open it because I was going to just return it, but then SIL insisted on opening it all up and taking all the pieces out so we couldn’t exchange it. Or they would try to give her their kids’ old stuffed animals that were dirty or ripped, toys that were missing pieces or books with pages that were scribbled on or torn out. Thanks but no thanks, I didn’t need her trash. We finally got to the point where we just told SIL to skip getting our kid gifts and buy for her own kids and we would do the same. It was better for us to just get our kid the things we knew she would like and would actually use, and not waste our money on her two ungrateful kids who didn’t seem to appreciate anything we gave them anyway. (Not to mention we would end up spending twice as much on them as she would spend on our kid, and screw that noise.) |
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CeeScraps
Pearl Clutcher
~~occupied entertaining my brain~~
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Post by CeeScraps on Mar 3, 2021 0:22:25 GMT
I haven't read everything. I would NOT give her the DVD you're making. She is going to lose it. Hold onto it until either she grows up or the child is older.
A shower.....if you're the only one ok, then give her a shower, otherwise just loosely participate.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Mar 3, 2021 0:29:05 GMT
I agree with you and the others, treat the child as you would have if your SIL were not a selfish cow. And PS. giving money to put towards a college fund is NOT a present for a child IMO. Is that common practice in the US? I think that's an awesome gift! |
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Post by Merge on Mar 3, 2021 0:32:56 GMT
I didn’t grow up exchanging gifts with cousins, and we don’t do it now with my nieces and nephews. My sister tried to start that up, but it ended up being each of us telling the other what to buy their kids. Silly IMO. Gifts do not a relationship make.
I’m also a big believer in the family you choose. Focus on people who have shown they want a relationship with you. Blood doesn’t automatically equal a close bond.
And not sending gifts doesn’t make her a “selfish cow” IMO. It makes her a person who doesn’t send gifts as a matter of course to children she doesn’t often see. Everyone is different.
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Gennifer
Drama Llama
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Post by Gennifer on Mar 3, 2021 0:59:49 GMT
I have forty nieces and nephews. FORTY. Plus various partners and now we are getting into great-nieces and -nephews... four so far. There’s no way I’m sending out that many gifts... they get a graduation present (or mission) and a wedding gift. And I’m definitely not a “selfish cow” that ignores them.
But, you know what? They’re not my kids. They’re my nieces and nephews. If I see them on their birthday, or they’re old enough to have a phone, I will tell (or text) them Happy Birthday. And I certainly don’t think any of my family are dicks for doing the same... I’m always appreciative that they remembered at all, in the chaos of day-to-day life.
I suggest you treat your new niece/nephew the way you want to treat them, and leave any anger toward your sister-in-law out of it. Because, frankly, the more people that love my kids, the better, but it’s not an obligation or requirement.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 3, 2021 1:37:22 GMT
I didn't read all the responses, but I have something very similar in DH's family (I'm an only, so no aunts/uncles/cousins on my side). I held out for a few years and did more than they did and eventually gave up. I don't regret that and matching their low energy because I didn't want my kids to see what I did for their cousins that was never reciprocated to them. Personally, it was really, really disappointing to me as I was so excited to be an aunt and have what I thought would be sisters and it just wasn't to be. We were closer to one of DH's brothers and those cousins, which I used to feel bad about but let that go since the other SIL was such a brat (not the actual word I would use for her).
My advice is do what you want, but if you will have ongoing resentment about it or if you think it will come back on your kids that they see what you do yet they aren't acknowledged, I would suggest adjusting your expectations and maybe keep things low-key.
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Not everyone is interested in being a hands on aunt/uncle or even grandparent. That is their decision. You can't make people be and act the way you want them to, and you can't make them be an interested and involved aunt or grandparent. Be a fantastic aunt if you are given the opportunity, but based on past experience don't expect it to happen. BTDT with DH's sister. 
lol. Maybe I'm thinking about the college fund because DH's grandpa would mail a check that said "College fund" on the memo line and Grandma would include a $10 bill--she'd literally tape it to the card lol--with a note that said "For fun." They did this for the grandkids and the greatgrands--my two and DH's cousin's two. Grandpa died last year, so this baby didn't get to recieve a "college fund" check from his great grandpa. So when I say I'm kind of "carrying on that tradition," there really was a tradition, and I'm pretty sure the college fund will be started asap. This guy had our kids' college fund account numbers and would randomly add money. Anyway, if we gave money for college, we'd also get something useful as an actual gift. (My SIL gave me my 3 niece's college savings' "direct donation link" codes--IDK what they're called, but that's what I'm going with lol. They're for family to donate money. I asked what they wanted for the girls, and that's what she said. I still get the girls a little gift, now that they're a bit older and can remember it. But SIL re-wrapped stuff her mom had given the girls and gave it BACK to her kids. She is so sick of "Stuff" that she seemed relieved when I asked "What can we do? College fund?"
Seriously? I didn’t even want DD to open it because I was going to just return it, but then SIL insisted on opening it all up and taking all the pieces out so we couldn’t exchange it. Or they would try to give her their kids’ old stuffed animals that were dirty or ripped, toys that were missing pieces or books with pages that were scribbled on or torn out. Thanks but no thanks, I didn’t need her trash. 
