If you divorced because he cheated, did you tell the kids?

Kids aren't stupid. And if they don't know/understand when they are young, they'll likely figure it out later.

While I wouldn't disclose to young kids the reason, I wouldn't lie if directly asked when they were older.

I cannot imagine what it would be like to live in a family that doesn't talk openly about relationships/past experiences/etc.  It wouldn't come up in a conversation with a 10 year old.  But how does it not come up in an honest conversation with a 20 year old?  I guess I don't get that.  My kids know exactly why their parents divorced.  They were 10 & 11 years old when we divorced and it was clear to them then.  I didn't say negative things about their dad to them when they were kids.  But when they started talking negative about him, as they aged and got to see the real impact of his alcoholism, I didn't make excuses for him.  I was open about all the ways his alcoholism caused him to fail us.  Now that they're adults, we can talk openly about these things and they participate in wider family conversations (like with my sister) that talk about relationships, etc. and might mention their dad.  And as kids grow up, they often are looking to their parents for guidance on things like relationships.  Why would you hide it?  Why wouldn't you tell your kids that cheating is such a big deal that it ruined your marriage?  I don't shield my kids from truthful conversations, no matter how difficult they may be.  

Certainly not broadcast from the roof tops! Initially not discussed, but if asked by teenagers yes.

my daughter's husband's parents are divorced. not sure how old he was when they divorced, but maybe a young teen. he doesn't know why they divorced and doesn't want to. he would rather not know so it doesn't taint his relationship with one or the other.

No, I have not told my children. Although I suspect they know. If they directly asked I would not lie though.

There was a point when They were both teens where we got home from whatever event they had and they asked about dinner and I told them whatever they wanted because their father was still at work and they looked at each other and made weird faces and went awkwardly to say something and I shut them down ( because what teen wants to be the one to tell their mom that their dad is lying to her ) and refocused on what they wanted for dinner. They both had their phones out and I realized they had been on find my friends so they knew where their father was when I did not. Neither they nor I brought up the subject ever again. I doubt they ever will. 🤞🏻 That’s not my baggage to tell. ( hopefully )

They did not ask why we were getting divorced - I was there but I made Ex tell them ( since he was the one so hell bent on ending it and not going to counseling and seeing if we could do better as empty nesters ) the kids were more like - about time, than asking for reasons.

I've always been of the belief that kids don't need to know about infidelity in their parents' marriage. And then... I found out at 47 years old that my dad cheated on my mom. My parents divorced when I was a preschooler so I have no recollection of them being together. As far as I know, my dad never cheated on my stepmom who he's still married to 40 years later so it wasn't like he was a serial cheater.

I always blamed my mother for my parents' divorce because it occurred not long after she decided to go back to work and my world kind of exploded. My dad was the main caretaker once she went back to work and because of the time period, she was granted full custody after the divorce. This resulted in my basically being raised by others and moved multiple times as my mom pursued her career. I love my mother, but I definitely always felt like her career came before me and always assumed that my parents' marriage fell apart for the same reason. So to find out that my dad cheated (with my mom's best friend) gave me an entirely different perspective on my life. I still feel like my mom probably would have aggressively chased a career and possibly not even had children if she'd been from a later era, but I can now see that she wasn't the only one to blame in the failure of their marriage.

I'm answering for my sister (I have permission from her and I change things up a bit) because it was a horrible divorce..


Ever? No the kids are all under 21 at this point.

When the divorce happened? 3 years ago.

When they were adults?  She isn't sure but she won't deny it if asked.


If it came up in conversation? She will tell the truth


If they asked directly? Yes


Why or why not?  She has had to keep quiet because of his job.  Because the cheating happened AT his office, in his office among other places including her bed.  If she tells his work and he loses his job, then she will not be able to get her alimony/child support.  It's all rolled together and it's for 10 years.  Then it all stops.  He makes A LOT of money.  So for now she is keeping quiet and laying low.  She feels she can't say the real truth to most people in their group of people (so his family, co-workers all think she left him, which she did but they don't know the exact reason... and it was porn and lots of it.  It was everything you can imagine, except kid stuff.. blech.. it involved a pimp going after her, she didn't know until later, the dark web stuff, Vegas stuff.. you name it) Her direct friends know, his direct friends know because they were there in some of the situations, but she has never said anything to the kids or his family.  But believe me once the 10 years is up and he pulls any of his shenanigans she will blow the whistle... 

Edited to add after reading the responses.. she has never ever said a bad word to the kids about him... she might roll her eyes about him.. but that is it.  All the kids are over 16 and under 21.  They probably figured it out but not the 'real' issue.. cheating yeah, dad addicted to porn, no.  Unless they found something and didn't tell her.

My son asked me on his 21st birthday. I told him the truth.

He was an infant when I found out, so no, I didn't.  He did ask me a few times throughout his childhood.  My typical response was that I was more than willing to discuss anything with him after he turned 18 and was able to think more as an adult.  By the time he was 18, he wasn't asking anymore.

It wasn't until he was in his early 30s that the subject came up again.  I found out his father told him that he felt guilty for being a horrible husband and father and that he admitted to cheating.  My son asked me about it and I said yes, it happened.  I told him he could ask me any questions, but that the only thing I considered important about the topic of cheating at that point was that HE didn't follow his father's ways and cheat on anyone he was dating. We had lightly discussed how he should treat a woman throughout his entrance into his teens and moreso when he became of dating age.  

I told him that I considered it one of the worst offenses he could do to someone he was supposed to really care about and that a true man leaves the relationship before seeing someone else.  He did admit to kissing another girl one night at a bar while nearing the end of his dating relationship with one particular girl.  He said alcohol influenced his actions and that he felt very guilty about it.  It wasn't an ongoing affair.  He and the girlfriend were broken up within the month.  

Cheating and lying are things that I just cannot tolerate.  Just be an adult and have a conversation with your partner.  I tried to teach him to always leave on good terms for many reasons.  He agreed, but his reason was because he might end up dating a friend of an ex and he didn't want anyone to be able to say bad things about him and ruin his chances.  Males!


***ADDED:  My son's dad is on his 4th or maybe 5th marriage by now.  In addition to telling our son that he cheated on me, he told him that he had cheated on all of his wives over the years.  Way to make a good impression!  He is an alcoholic, so I am guessing that is why he told him all this while drunk one evening.  

My son no longer has any contact with his dad, but that decision was made due to the lies he continually told my son and their history of emotional abuse toward him, not due to his cheating on women.  My son saw all the drinking and lies over the years and grew up continually disappointed by him.

The biggest question my son had for me after learning this from his dad was why did I ever marry him in the first place because we were complete opposites and have zero in common.  Great question!  I am a homebody.  I rarely drank and would not drive him anywhere if I had drank a glass of wine. I enjoy reading books, cooking, and gardening.  Pretty dull stuff.  His father was obviously a party guy who had no problem drinking while he was driving and bragged that he had never read a single book all the way through, and never even finished a magazine article.  He would regale my son with stories of how drunk he would get and various stories such as how he was once driven home from a party down the street in a wheelbarrow and dumped onto the lawn, remaining there until the next morning when the sprinklers came on.  All funny stuff to a preteen kid.

I used to read a chapter from a book to my son every night and sometimes would pick it back up in the morning as he got ready for school if we had left off at a good spot the night before.  I even recorded myself reading books to keep him occupied when we were going on a long car ride.  He loved being read to.  It was when asking his dad to read him to sleep that dad bragged about not reading.  

We really were total opposites.  I explained that we met as 12-year-old kids and started dating in junior high (group dates only until I was 16) and neither of us were fully formed as people yet before we married out of high school.  I told him his dad was not the person he became until I got pregnant with him 10 years later.  This had a big impact on my son and helped him to understand that the teen years are transition times where kids try on various personality components, keeping the ones that fit, and dropping the ones that didn't.  And that making a long-term decision while living in an ever-changing body and brain was not a good idea.  I suggested he wait until at least 25 to really get to know himself before making any big, permanent life-altering decision.  That applied to doing risky things like drinking or drugs that could land him in jail or a hospital while he was still operating on this changing brain.  He wanted to know why my parents didn't warn me about the brain-growth thing like I was warning him.

 

I will ditto what KiwiJo said, pretty much word for word:


I was so happy to read your response Jo, because every time this subject has come up here, I feel that I am in the minority. Most people usually say of course they would tell their kids, they have a right to know etc etc. Like you, I feel that there would be nothing to be gained by telling them. 

I know people who told their kids that the other parent cheated and that's why they separated / divorced, and it sometimes (usually? often?) came from a place of "point scoring". I don't agree with that at all.

I think a lot of people in divorce situations need a bit of humility when talking about the reasons for their divorce. It should never be about point scoring. But even when it is, adult children are not dumb. They know exactly who is aiming to score points. And which parent (s) come at them humbly.

When I said I talk to my kids honestly, it means I talk to them honestly. About myself too. I don't play a your dad is a dirt bag and I am a hero game with them. They know better than that. A kid at 10 might not. But at 20 they know that their parents are humans with flaws. Both of us. And you can't undermine an adult child's relationship with their parent. They have years of experience with that parent. They know what's what.

It depends on the case. I had no intentions of telling my kids what their dad did. I covered and covered and covered for him. One day, my son's therapist said he had to know. I said absolutely not. He convinced me to tell my son (with therapist present). My son was better, but he has no relationship with his dad now and then I had to tell my girls (at that point 17yo??) because I couldn't have one of my kids knowing something like that and not the others.

So personally? I do not believe in it, but I would always make sure a professional therapist helped me make that decision.

I know that my mom cheated on my dad and I'm glad that I know. I'm close to both of my parents. Knowing what they have been through helps me to understand them. I would tell tell my kids if dh cheated on me, not when they were little, but as teenagers or older, if they asked.