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Post by homeschoolmom on May 19, 2021 4:31:57 GMT
I had posted a while ago about my mother's family welcoming my father back into their lives, even though he is a pedophile (I wasn't one of his victims), and asked how to deal with the situation.
I haven't had any reason to go there since I posted, but the family member that I wanted to keep in my life has asked me to visit. They are homebound, elderly, and have been very sick, I don't know how much longer they will be around so I cannot stay away.
They said no one will be there next Monday, so I made plans to visit then. I figured even if I saw my father, I could pretend he wasn't even there. Partially because he matters that little to me, and partially because someone paying no attention to him would be worse than someone beating the shit out of him.
Then, I got a message today from the girlfriend he had when I originally cut him out of my life. She said she was looking for something online, saw my name, and decided to reach out.
She said he did something to her then-teenaged special needs niece.
She said he told her that her daughter was just his style.
She said he threatened her when she kicked him out.
She said she didn't report him because he was tight with the law officials in their town and she had a record and she didn't want to lose custody.
She said he told her that he carried mementos of "his" girls and that he had something of her niece's.
She said so many things that I already knew or had heard rumours about, but the recitation.....it was chilling. She is still terrified of him almost 15 years later and made me swear that I wouldn't let him know that she talked because she now has granddaughters. I think there's at least one more victim and I think if I can find that parent, they may be more willing to press charges. Assuming they didn't already, which would easily explain why my father suddenly moved to where my family lives.
I want to cancel next Monday, but I love this family member and cannot let them down. They barely made it through the past year and I don't want any more time to pass.
I'm worried about next week. After today, I don't know if I can ignore him if he does show up. I don't know if I will be able to refrain from spitting in his face or worse. At the very least, I know I will struggle with not telling my family member about the new information.
I'm not sure why I'm putting this all out there, except that I needed to tell someone. I knew that he wouldn't have stopped doing the things he did to his first victims, but it's so much *more* being told that he didn't stop......
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Post by nlwilkins on May 19, 2021 4:42:02 GMT
Is it possible to pick up your relative and go some where to eat? (I know you said home bound,but can they get in a car and ride somewhere with you? Is there some way you can take them out for day?
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Post by homeschoolmom on May 19, 2021 5:47:52 GMT
Is it possible to pick up your relative and go some where to eat? (I know you said home bound,but can they get in a car and ride somewhere with you? Is there some way you can take them out for day? Unfortunately, no. Her skin is so fragile right now that it tears with too much pressure. 😓 |
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Post by rainangel on May 19, 2021 5:59:54 GMT
I am so sorry. This is just an overwhelmingly amount of information to have in your head when you are going somewhere where you mifht meet him.
I commend you for having a love strong enough for your other relative to put yourself through this meeting.
I hope it goes well for you.
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Post by malibou on May 19, 2021 7:06:13 GMT
Fuuuuck. I am so sorry. I too would go see the relative. However, if he is brought up in any manner, I would spill all I knew, and if he showed up I would calmly tell him just what a piece of shit he is, and then spill everything I knew to anyone present.
My heart hurts for you.
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Post by manda on May 19, 2021 7:36:07 GMT
I’m so sorry.
I was sexually abused by my step-father/adoptive father and have had to be in the same house with him three times as an adult due to significant family events.
I’m excellent at ignoring him and just let it go.
I know that sounds odd but for my sisters (half sisters but they are his daughters with my mother and I grew up with him from the age of 5 since before they were born), it’s been really important that I be there and that has always been my primary purpose in being there and why I can remain silent.
The few times I’ve had to do that (when each sister got married and I traveled to the location from out of state), I gave myself a few days when I returned home to do nothing. No work. No friends. Just decompress. Usually lying on the couch and watching movies.
It’s really hard when abuse has happened in the past and there are still family relationships to maintain. I used to avoid all interactions with my siblings because I didn’t want to be around him (I used to be very resentful about all this too) but have realized that isn’t fair to me or my sisters. In fact, I speak with them more now because of the pandemic than ever before and as such, I’m glad I showed up for their big life events when they wanted me there. It’s been worth the discomfort even though I hated every minute of it.
I’m so sorry you have to be in this place right now.
It is not easy.
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Post by arielsmom on May 19, 2021 12:44:07 GMT
Can you take someone with you? A friend perhaps, that can help buffer you. Maybe to drive you?
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Post by jenjie on May 19, 2021 12:49:22 GMT
I’m so very sorry.
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Post by mollycoddle on May 19, 2021 13:06:25 GMT
Can you take someone with you? A friend perhaps, that can help buffer you. Maybe to drive you? This might be a good idea. You could very well be very upset and some support could be helpful. |
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Post by Really Red on May 19, 2021 13:17:02 GMT
I am really really sorry. I say this very very gently, but your delicate relatives have made a choice. There may be reasons that they had to make that choice, which I cannot imagine, but they made a choice. You have to make a choice for your health and safety.
many hugs
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Post by elaine on May 19, 2021 13:40:21 GMT
I am sorry. I hope that you will be able to stay at a hotel, so that you are able to leave and go someplace without your family when you need to escape/take a break. It would be more costly than staying with family, but important for your mental health.
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Post by scrapmaven on May 19, 2021 15:41:03 GMT
As much as I love certain people if a known pedophile was going to be in the midst I would take a hard pass. I would arrange to visit when the monster wasn't going to be there. You don't have any obligation to interact with a predator. Guilt has no place here, either. Do what is best for yourself. That the beast is your dad makes this situation even more complication. It's all about taking care of yourself.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 18, 2024 19:16:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2021 15:48:56 GMT
Go and take someone with you to ensure he keeps his distance if he’s there. Don’t let this monster rob you of spending what might be your last visit with this loved one.
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Post by homeschoolmom on May 20, 2021 3:11:34 GMT
Thanks, everyone. 24 hours later, and I've gotten past the initial shock.
I talked to the family member I'm going to visit, and have been reassured that no one is scheduled to be there that day. It's only a few hours away so I will be driving there and back in one day, and if something happens and I don't feel like driving home, I have friends that would gladly toss a pillow and blanket on their couch for me. If they knew yesterday's conversation, they'd probably already be planning on how to get him out of the picture permanently.
I've decided for my own mental health, to go back to out of sight, out of mind regarding him. If he knew I had spent any time thinking about him, he would be ecstatic and sure it was a sign I wanted to reconcile. There is no phrase strong enough to show how that will never happen.
At this point, I have no idea how I will react if we come face to face. My best friend says she's got bail money, and my kid wanted to know if I knew how to throw a real punch. They remind me that I have people out there that are always on my side. <3
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Post by homeschoolmom on May 22, 2021 2:39:55 GMT
Update:
The visit went perfectly until my family member started talking about how great my father was being to her, how he told her he had done some things in his past and was trying to make up for it, essentially making her believe he was a changed man (she had no idea what "things" he was talking about).
I stopped her and gently said that his looks, his attitude, his language may change, but the things he had done could not be made up for, and that I truly did not believe that he was remorseful and that I firmly believe if the opportunity presented itself, he would abuse another child.
I'd forgotten that she didn't know the whole back story, so I ended up telling her everything expect the info I had sworn not to repeat. I could tell she was shocked but then she started talking about being a Christian and forgiveness. I told her I wasn't the first and won't do the second and that I prefer to just go back to forgetting him.
There was more conversation but she dropped it after I told her that I would rather die than accept a kidney or other "donation" from him.
She dropped it and then we started talking about the old days until my cousin came home. It's very obvious that they are all enamoured of him, I just hope that he gets pissed at one of them and leaves before he abuses another child.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,734 
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Post by purplebee on May 22, 2021 14:33:16 GMT
Glad you were able to see your relative without encountering the pedophile. Had to be hard to listen to anything regarding him. I think you need to make it plain to your relative that you will leave if he is mentioned again in your presence. Hugs....
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Post by homeschoolmom on May 22, 2021 17:30:00 GMT
Glad you were able to see your relative without encountering the pedophile. Had to be hard to listen to anything regarding him. I think you need to make it plain to your relative that you will leave if he is mentioned again in your presence. Hugs.... I did and she agreed. She is a truly wonderful person and one of the most perfect people I've ever met. She's just been exposed to the charming side, and I hope she never meets his evil side. |
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Post by tentoes on May 22, 2021 22:39:29 GMT
I am so sorry for the predicament you were put in. Glad it turned out ok. I have a person quite like your father in my family also. He is dead now, and did not molest me, but he molested his teen daughter when she was 13. (Her mom had died so he was the sole parent.) He "came on" to me as a young teen, but I guess I was just lucky someone else came in. I made sure after that I was never alone with him. I was too young to even know what was happening other than I felt something was wrong. It is a creepy thing for sure. ((HUGS)) to you!
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Post by jenjie on May 23, 2021 12:10:41 GMT
Glad you were able to see your relative without encountering the pedophile. Had to be hard to listen to anything regarding him. I think you need to make it plain to your relative that you will leave if he is mentioned again in your presence. Hugs.... I did and she agreed. She is a truly wonderful person and one of the most perfect people I've ever met. She's just been exposed to the charming side, and I hope she never meets his evil side. You have shown so much grace while standing your ground when it would be easy to write her off for sticking up for him. As you said, the person she (and all of them) thinks she knows is not the person you know him to be. |
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Post by auntkelly on May 23, 2021 14:22:14 GMT
I think you need to be very careful. It sounds like your relative who is ill is very forgiving and protective of the pedophile. She may tell him what you said, hoping she can reconcile the two of you. It may make him very angry when he hears what you have said about him.
It sounds like the ex girlfriend is terrified of him, and has good reason to feel that way.
I’m really sorry that your family has put you in such a horrible situation by welcoming this man back into their lives.
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Post by homeschoolmom on Jun 9, 2021 4:44:06 GMT
I think you need to be very careful. It sounds like your relative who is ill is very forgiving and protective of the pedophile. She may tell him what you said, hoping she can reconcile the two of you. It may make him very angry when he hears what you have said about him. It sounds like the ex girlfriend is terrified of him, and has good reason to feel that way. I’m really sorry that your family has put you in such a horrible situation by welcoming this man back into their lives. I just got the chance to check back in. She's very religious and a firm believer in "forgive and forget". I told her that will never be an option. He can get as mad as he wants. I'm not afraid of him. I'm able to protect myself and if he approaches me in anger or starts something, I will burn his world down around him. |
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Post by 16joy on Jun 9, 2021 11:54:45 GMT
Are your children/grandchildren(?) aware they need to stay away from him.
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Post by homeschoolmom on Jun 10, 2021 2:26:22 GMT
Are your children/grandchildren(?) aware they need to stay away from him. My son is 18. I told him when he was 11 because there were indications that my father was going to try interact with him. I worry that my father will reach out, but my son says he wants nothing to do with him |
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