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Post by refugeepea on May 26, 2021 1:41:55 GMT
Probably not popular, but I don't think a hand written thank you is what you always must do. As long as I got some kind of acknowledgment, I would be fine. Not knowing would be annoying.
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Post by 950nancy on May 26, 2021 1:43:54 GMT
How easy is it to send a text or make a call? I wouldn't expect a handwritten thank you, but acknowledgement of a gift is important. It is a good life lesson for kids to learn. I don't really buy into the reasoning of giving a gift because I love someone and want them to have a gift and that is good enough. Being a good human involves knowing how to say thank you when someone takes the time to think of you. Period. When I was young, we were told we could not use the gift, play with the gift or spend the gift until we wrote a thank you card. I get that is asking a lot for kids today, but I did the same with my boys and they are in their 20's and always text or call when they receive anything from me. But why is it asking a lot from kids today? A text isn't hard. I'd stop sending gifts.
A text isn't hard. Asking a kid to not use the gift or spend it first until they write a thank you might be hard.
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Post by ScrapbookMyLife on May 26, 2021 2:40:07 GMT
I stop sending to the recipient, if they can't be bothered to say thank you.
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tincin
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on May 26, 2021 2:45:38 GMT
He doesn’t acknowledge the gifts, I wouldn’t acknowledge it when I stopped sending them. If he calls, I’d simply say I assumed they weren’t being received since they weren’t being acknowledged so I decided to stop sending them.
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FurryP
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To pea or not to pea...
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Jun 26, 2014 19:58:26 GMT
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Post by FurryP on May 26, 2021 3:07:11 GMT
I would not bring this up to your brother. I would just stop sending gifts. Period. Nothing. Since you do discuss this with your sister (and possibly your mother) I would let them know my decision. No discussion, just what you’re doing going forward. Yeah that. Your brother doesn't get to bully anyone into giving his kids gifts. That whole family is rude. And is it not about you doing it for the "thanks". Forgetting every once in a while, ok no problem. But they are just rude and entitled.
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Post by bc2ca on May 26, 2021 3:47:35 GMT
Background: For at least 5 years now, all Christmas, birthday and special event gifts I have given have gone absolutely unacknowledged by my brother, sister-in-law and their three kids (2 teenagers and a 10 year old). My sister-in-law used to write thank you's when the kids were very young but no longer does. When I say unacknowledged, I mean I don't even know if the gift arrived let alone if the recipient even liked it. Not a phone call, text or email. Certainly no thank you card. It is the same situation when my mom and sister send items. It really bothers all of us and we are totally sick of it.They also barely acknowledge special events in my family, but do send gifts for Christmas and birthdays for which we ALWAYS send a handwritten thank you within a week of receiving the item. However, in the past month my family has had a confirmation, high school graduation and death of my father-in-law. They didn't acknowledge the confirmation or graduation at all (even though they are the godparents of both kids) and my brother only called my husband after I told my mom he hadn't reached out and I assume she shamed him into calling. A few years ago, my sister and I suggested that we stop sending gifts for holidays just to take the pressure off the holidays, but my brother threw a fit and basically demanded his kids get gifts. So he wants the stuff but doesn't ever show gratitude. My nephew (his 15 year old son) had a confirmation last month and I sent him a nice Coach wallet and my sister sent money. We agreed if we didn't get any kind of thank you we were DONE with sending gifts. Well, three weeks have passed and no acknowledgement for either of us. Question: Would you continue to send gifts to the kids even though we never receive a thank you? The two oldest have taken a cotillion class, so they both have been taught how to send thank you's on their own. To me it is just good manners and common decency to show gratitude when someone does something kind for you. A written thank you is best, but a phone call, text or email would be better than nothing at this point. I always think they will get the hint when my kids send them thank you's but apparently not. How should I bring this up to my brother without causing a huge fight? He gets extremely defensive when criticized which is probably why no one has confronted him all these years. But, enough truly is enough. How would you approach this with a family member? Should I even bother? Should I just stop sending anything but a card from now on? I give a gift to someone because I want to give them something. The sentences I bolded really stood out to me. Are your sincerely questioning whether the gifts were received and ready to hear that the recipient didn't like them? There is a whole lot of passive aggressiveness loaded into that sentence. I assume every gift I sent is received and have not gifted nieces and nephews "things" since they were in the toy stage. Cash/gift cards are the most appreciated gifts for this age group IME. Acknowledgement of gifts is your love language. It is not your DB's. You have to decide whether your joy of gift giving trumps your need for acknowledgement. If no, stop gifting. If yes, keep doing what you are doing.
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Post by **GypsyGirl** on May 26, 2021 4:36:30 GMT
I agree with the others who said it is long past time to have given up sending gifts to this family. They have shown you repeatedly that your gifts are not appreciated and are not worth even letting you know they arrived. At what point do you listen to what they are telling you? Rather than going cold turkey on no gifts, you could just send a greeting card for events. Asking a kid to not use the gift or spend it first until they write a thank you might be hard. So? The earlier kids learn that not everything is easy peasy the better off they will be. Besides, you and your sons survived and did well! As did I because my mom had the same rule yours did, as did my daughter.
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Post by JustKim on May 26, 2021 4:43:22 GMT
I would stop. If it ever comes up I would say “it must have been sent to the same address as the thank you so you have sent for the last gifts”. Snarky I know but that’s what I would do. Good luck. It’s hard.
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Post by crazy4scraps on May 26, 2021 4:53:47 GMT
I would just be done with it and stop sending gifts. There’s no need for some big dramatic announcement. I might still send a card just so they knew I didn’t forget the event or occasion (and it would probably be a generic one you can get at the dollar store), but even that is more than they probably deserve since it’s obvious they don’t give you the same consideration that you have been giving them.
Just like that other thread that came up about cutting off a friend that isn’t really a friend, this is kind of the same thing. I don’t have any time in my life anymore for people who have plainly shown me that they really couldn’t care less about me. Life is short and I want to spend mine doing things for the people who actually make time for me, which includes taking the time to say thank you in some way when I have gone out of my way to do something nice.
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Post by mikklynn on May 26, 2021 11:50:16 GMT
I would send a card with a small cheque in it for birthdays and Christmas to each of the kids and nothing for any other occasions. At least with a cheque you would know they got the gift since they have to cash the cheque. I would never again send something as nice as a Coach wallet to someone who cannot be bothered to say Thank you. Once they are 18 I would just send a card, no cheque. Or once they have finished college if you still want to send them some money while they are students. I would not bother to say something to your brother. Just stop sending gifts for every occasion. That is exactly what we started doing with DH's sister and her family. I would even call her to ask if they received the package and get a casual "oh, yes".
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on May 26, 2021 12:50:33 GMT
Acknowledgement of gifts is your love language. It is not your DB's. You have to decide whether your joy of gift giving trumps your need for acknowledgement. If no, stop gifting. If yes, keep doing what you are doing. So I have several thoughts: - You can't control other people's behavior. Only your own. Decide what you want to do given their lack of response. That's all you can control. - I am firmly on the side of thanking people for their gifts and kindnesses. I have always handwritten thank you notes and taught my boys to do the same. But I am coming around to the acceptance of in-person thank yous as well as thank yous by text. The world changes. Sometimes it's just easier to change with it and not be a stiff old curmudgeon about things. - I do have a concern about punishing children for parents' behaviors. It's unfortunate that these children were not taught to be gracious, but until they are of age, I'd still want to gift them in some way.
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rickmer
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Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on May 26, 2021 13:01:34 GMT
stop sending. if your bro says anything, i would say "oh, i am surprised anyone noticed? i got the feeling the gifts weren't appreciated since i never heard anything so i stopped sending".
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Post by myboysnme on May 26, 2021 13:20:04 GMT
My mom still sends gifts to grandchildren she never hears from, because she wants to. In your situation I would either give because I want to with absolutely no expectation of a response, or I would just stop. Sometimes my mom just sends a card to let them know she is thinking of them but no gift where normally she would.
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Post by workingclassdog on May 26, 2021 13:44:33 GMT
I would just stop period, no discussion. If asked tell them why. My sister and I don't do hand written notes but we always call each other or whatever (we long ago decided not to send gifts between all our kids, 3 kids each) Kids don't care really since it never got started in the first place. We do big stuff like graduation or just out of the blue for fun. I wouldn't stress about it either. Get it off your plate and call it good.
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Post by mikewozowski on May 26, 2021 14:22:57 GMT
i don't think she is only sending gifts for the validation or thank you. it is just annoying to send gifts and the people not even let you know they got them.
it is just rude on the part of those receivers to never acknowledge the gifts, and after this happening for years, i would stop sending them gifts, too.
my sister is in the same boat, makes sure to send xmas gifts for my brother, his wife and their two sons. idk if the brother and wife say thank you, but i know the boys do not. it is annoying. i think she is going to stop sending now, as this has happened for several years.
i am in the same boat with two of my friend's kids. never a response at all, so i am done worrying about making sure i get them a gift.
i don't think it is unreasonable for you to stop sending gifts. i wouldn't say anything about it, though.
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Post by mellowyellow on May 26, 2021 14:49:50 GMT
I would stop sending anything to them but not to be snarky. I, myself, have really cut back on gift giving just because I am trying to simplify things. I would not tell your brother that you are stopping gifts. If anyone says anything about it, I would just say that you have cut back on gift giving period.
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miyooper2b
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Jun 27, 2014 15:38:05 GMT
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Post by miyooper2b on May 26, 2021 14:52:03 GMT
That is the exact reason that I stopped sending gifts to my niece and nephew. Even when I sent them virtual gift cards via email I wouldn't hear a thing from them (how hard is it to reply to an email??). I stopped and never heard a peep out of them or my brother about it. I vote to stop sending the gifts. I wouldn't bother to address the issue with your brother.
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paigepea
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Jun 26, 2014 4:28:55 GMT
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Post by paigepea on May 26, 2021 15:06:12 GMT
I would bring up the topic before stopping gifts. I would have brought it up years ago since now it’s a bit late. You’ve pretty much showed that they don’t need to say thank you. I’d say to Brother or SIL - did so and so receive our gift. He/she never acknowledged it so I just wanted to make sure. If I did that a couple of times and the thank yous didn’t start coming in their own then I’d stop.
I wouldn’t want a hand written thank you from a family member. In my opinion, a thank you is a good reason to pick up the phone and personally connect with that family member. That is how we treat it in our family.
I would be happy with a text from niece or nephew too. That is their current form of communication. But usually they call or FaceTime.
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Post by cmpeter on May 26, 2021 15:17:32 GMT
The kids are all old enough for you to have a relationship with them independently of their parents. I would text or call and confirmed they received it. If the next gift is not acknowledged by them, I would stop sending gifts.
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tracylynn
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Jun 26, 2014 22:49:09 GMT
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Post by tracylynn on May 26, 2021 15:36:32 GMT
I would stop sending gifts. And would have a long time ago honestly.
I also wouldn't expect a hand written thank you thought either. A text or phone call would suffice for me.
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Post by jenna on May 26, 2021 16:27:15 GMT
I would've already been texting my siblings every time a gift went unnoticed, "hey did so and so get their gift(s)? I hope they loved it!!" with some other over the top positive "I know sometimes things go unnoticed we're all so busy nowadays!! lol emoji emoji emoji" bs. I hate phone calls but if texts went unnoticed I'd do that too. But I'm also severely petty I'd stop sending gifts and if prompted with questions about why so and so didn't get anything I'd mention how I wasn't sure anyone was receiving them because I didn't get anything about it. Do the older kids have cellphones/you have their number? I'd ask them directly, with less passive aggressiveness than I'd send to other family members. "Hey xyz did you get the gift we sent you? Hope you liked it, love you!" or something else equally as nice and to the point. I hate getting birthday wishes, I hate getting compliments, etc.. but you thank people and acknowledge them because it's polite and the very least you can do is send a "thank you for sending whatever to whomever, they appreciate xyz and I hope you guys are doing well!" type of text.
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Post by uksue on May 26, 2021 16:37:15 GMT
That’s a nice attitude your brother has 🙄
If the rest of the family wanted to quit the stress-inducing massive gift giving, why did you let the least worthy recipient decide for the rest of you- sounds like maybe he has been allowed to do as he wants all his life to me?
I only have a small family, but as soon as my sister and I had children we all agreed that we would buy small gifts for children only - it was such a relief! I would send my parents random gifts throughout the year when I saw something I knew they would Iove- usually seasonal stuff not available at Christmas .
As for telling him- I suggest you, your parents and your sister do a joint email . Say it takes the pressure off everyone and it’s non negotiable . If he wants to act like a baby about it- oh well.
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