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Post by shanniebananie on May 25, 2021 22:49:17 GMT
Background:
For at least 5 years now, all Christmas, birthday and special event gifts I have given have gone absolutely unacknowledged by my brother, sister-in-law and their three kids (2 teenagers and a 10 year old). My sister-in-law used to write thank you's when the kids were very young but no longer does. When I say unacknowledged, I mean I don't even know if the gift arrived let alone if the recipient even liked it. Not a phone call, text or email. Certainly no thank you card.
It is the same situation when my mom and sister send items. It really bothers all of us and we are totally sick of it.
They also barely acknowledge special events in my family, but do send gifts for Christmas and birthdays for which we ALWAYS send a handwritten thank you within a week of receiving the item. However, in the past month my family has had a confirmation, high school graduation and death of my father-in-law. They didn't acknowledge the confirmation or graduation at all (even though they are the godparents of both kids) and my brother only called my husband after I told my mom he hadn't reached out and I assume she shamed him into calling.
A few years ago, my sister and I suggested that we stop sending gifts for holidays just to take the pressure off the holidays, but my brother threw a fit and basically demanded his kids get gifts. So he wants the stuff but doesn't ever show gratitude.
My nephew (his 15 year old son) had a confirmation last month and I sent him a nice Coach wallet and my sister sent money. We agreed if we didn't get any kind of thank you we were DONE with sending gifts. Well, three weeks have passed and no acknowledgement for either of us.
Question:
Would you continue to send gifts to the kids even though we never receive a thank you? The two oldest have taken a cotillion class, so they both have been taught how to send thank you's on their own. To me it is just good manners and common decency to show gratitude when someone does something kind for you. A written thank you is best, but a phone call, text or email would be better than nothing at this point. I always think they will get the hint when my kids send them thank you's but apparently not.
How should I bring this up to my brother without causing a huge fight? He gets extremely defensive when criticized which is probably why no one has confronted him all these years. But, enough truly is enough.
How would you approach this with a family member? Should I even bother? Should I just stop sending anything but a card from now on?
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Post by myshelly on May 25, 2021 22:51:46 GMT
I would have stopped sending gifts after the first year they went unacknowledged.
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Post by AussieMeg on May 25, 2021 22:58:13 GMT
I'm in two minds about this. My initial thought is that I would stop sending gifts and tell them why. But something I've read here a few times comes to mind - are you giving gifts because you love your family members and get something out of the act of giving, or are you giving gifts for the thanks?
But yeah, they are RUDE. And you know that the kids are going to grow up to be just as rude as their parents, if there is no expectation on them now to say thank you.
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Post by Lexica on May 25, 2021 22:59:24 GMT
I would absolutely stop sending gifts. It must be very frustrating, not even knowing if your gift arrived or not. I am willing to bet that when you stop sending something, you will get a response from them. They can't be bothered to acknowledge the things received, but they will darn sure let it be known that nothing arrived.
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Post by maryland on May 25, 2021 22:59:55 GMT
I wouldn't send gifts anymore. It sounds like they don't appreciate them, so why spend the money and time.
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Post by revirdsuba99 on May 25, 2021 23:03:17 GMT
Our grandmother sent us all checks. Two cousins, sisters never acknowledged the. After several years she stopped sending the checks to them.
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finaledition
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,896 
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Post by finaledition on May 25, 2021 23:07:01 GMT
This was similar with my SIL and BIL. All we wanted was some acknowledgement of receipt. It went on for several years and (of which they never sent a gift let alone a card to my kids) and we stopped-no confrontation, just stopped. And that was the end of that. The relationship is pretty well dead, but it was clearly one sided for years.
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Post by catmom on May 25, 2021 23:07:39 GMT
Based on their actions it sounds like they value exchanging Christmas and Birthday gifts and don’t value other special events or thank you’s. Those are similar values to how I was raised so it doesn’t seem that strange to me. In my family if you sent a thank you card, my mother would have wondered what was wrong.
Since they seem to care about Christmas and birthdays and do reciprocate, I would continue to exchange those. And I would stop the other stuff since they don’t seem to care about it and it isn’t reciprocated.
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Post by nightnurse on May 25, 2021 23:17:51 GMT
Have you addressed it directly? “Hey, I never know if you guys got the gifts I sent. A thank you note would mean a lot to me, or even just a quick text to let me know the gift arrived.” Sounds like the kids haven’t been taught the etiquette on thank you notes and if you just stop sending them gifts with no explanation, I imagine they’d feel hurt. I’m a big believer in speaking up. And everyone is busy and stressed and sometimes the mental energy of remembering to write and send thank you notes can be too much. I always tell my gift recipients that part of the gift is that I don’t need a
Thank you, especially for mass gift events like showers and weddings. I watched you open the stupid spice rack I don’t need you to mail me a card two weeks later!
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Post by ~summer~ on May 25, 2021 23:19:25 GMT
I would not send gifts. I would have stopped a while ago
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smcast
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,307
Location: MN
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Post by smcast on May 25, 2021 23:21:11 GMT
I would ask them if they've received the gifts since you received a thank you call, text, email, or note. In fact, haven't heard about gift at all.
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Post by christine58 on May 25, 2021 23:22:03 GMT
How should I bring this up to my brother without causing a huge fight? I wouldn't. Just stop with the gifts. It takes little effort to say thank you |
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Post by katlaw on May 25, 2021 23:29:53 GMT
I would send a card with a small cheque in it for birthdays and Christmas to each of the kids and nothing for any other occasions. At least with a cheque you would know they got the gift since they have to cash the cheque.
I would never again send something as nice as a Coach wallet to someone who cannot be bothered to say Thank you.
Once they are 18 I would just send a card, no cheque. Or once they have finished college if you still want to send them some money while they are students.
I would not bother to say something to your brother. Just stop sending gifts for every occasion.
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Post by mnmloveli on May 25, 2021 23:42:36 GMT
I would not bring this up to your brother. I would just stop sending gifts. Period. Nothing. Since you do discuss this with your sister (and possibly your mother) I would let them know my decision. No discussion, just what you’re doing going forward.
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Post by librarylady on May 25, 2021 23:50:32 GMT
Do the teenagers have phones? Do you know the number?
If so, text the teenagers and ask if the gift arrived since you heard nothing.
If that does not jog them into acknowledging the gift, then I would not send anything.
If the lack of gift is brought up, I would then tell them why.
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Post by littlemama on May 25, 2021 23:50:41 GMT
I think they should send a text acknowledging the gifts and thanking you. Other than for showers, weddings, and funerals, I dont know anyone who sends thank you notes.
That being said, are you sending the gifts because you feel obligated (we are in this situation with BILs monster children- never a thank you, even if we are right there when they open gifts). But the bitching from MIL if we stopped was just not worth it. As the years went by with no thank yous, I stopped putting effort into the gifts. At the end, it was just a $10-$15 gift card to Taco Bell or Target.
Last Christmas was the last one we were "obligated"to buy a gift for the youngest one and we just...didnt.
So, if you are buying gifts out of obligation, stop.
If you are buying gifts because you truly love it, continue, but understand that your brother and family are just rude and you will never get a thank you.
If you just want to know that the gifts have arrived, make a phone call the day they should arrive (or the day after), "Hey, I didnt hear from you guys, so Im just calling to see if the gifts arrived?"
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Post by 950nancy on May 25, 2021 23:53:36 GMT
How easy is it to send a text or make a call? I wouldn't expect a handwritten thank you, but acknowledgement of a gift is important. It is a good life lesson for kids to learn. I don't really buy into the reasoning of giving a gift because I love someone and want them to have a gift and that is good enough. Being a good human involves knowing how to say thank you when someone takes the time to think of you. Period.
When I was young, we were told we could not use the gift, play with the gift or spend the gift until we wrote a thank you card. I get that is asking a lot for kids today, but I did the same with my boys and they are in their 20's and always text or call when they receive anything from me.
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Post by peasapie on May 25, 2021 23:57:36 GMT
I don't remember receiving gifts from aunts and uncles for anything unless there was a party involved - I.e. graduation party, etc. - in which case we got a check.
I'd make an announcement that I was making my life easier and ceasing all gift giving, and others should do the same for us.
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Just T
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,544
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Post by Just T on May 26, 2021 0:00:34 GMT
I don't think I would just stop giving the gifts. Mainly because the kids clearly haven't been taught how to acknowledge gifts, and I wouldn't want to harm my relationship with them. (If you have a good relationship, that is). With the older teens, can you text them directly and say, "Hey, I just wanted to make sure you got the gift I sent! The mail can be crazy and I want to make sure it didn't get lost!  " Do that every time, and maybe they will eventually get the hint?? |
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Post by Zee on May 26, 2021 0:04:37 GMT
I wouldn't address it at all, I'd just quit. Send a card if you like but I wouldn't do that either since they can't be bothered.
If your brother complains, tell him the truth and too bad for him if he gets upset. Why do his feelings get to come first?
If I give a gift, it's because I really want to, not because I want a thank you. But no acknowledgment at all means to me that they don't care that much. Time to cut them loose.
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Post by disneypal on May 26, 2021 0:12:09 GMT
That is tough...I would probably continue to give gifts to the kids and if I didn’t receive acknowledgment, then I would call - speak to the kid and asked if the received & liked the gift. After they respond, I would say, in the future, please let me know you received my gifts, so I won’t be wondering if they were lost or not,
I would ask your brother directly as to why he never lets y’all know that the gifts were received
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Post by sunnyd on May 26, 2021 0:27:36 GMT
BTDT & I started sending checks instead of shopping for gifts, wrapping them, mailing them & wondering it they were lost in the mail or stolen off their porch. My acknowledgement of receipt came when I saw that the check had cleared my bank account.  I've since stopped gifts all together for that group of family members. |
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Post by ~summer~ on May 26, 2021 0:43:07 GMT
Since you just sent gifts 3 weeks ago I would follow up with a text and ask if he even received them. I’d even say something like “I want to be sure you’re getting the gifts I send since I never hear from you guys I’m not even sure if you get them”.
And then stop sending anything. If he asks why or mentions it just repeat that it’s frustrating to send gifts without even an acknowledgement- you don’t even know if they get them.
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,870
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on May 26, 2021 0:52:00 GMT
For the next year, everyone gets a box of thank you notes and a pen set with stamps for their gifts!
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Post by Skellinton on May 26, 2021 0:57:26 GMT
Since you just sent gifts 3 weeks ago I would follow up with a text and ask if he even received them. I’d even say something like “I want to be sure you’re getting the gifts I send since I never hear from you guys I’m not even sure if you get them”. And then stop sending anything. If he asks why or mentions it just repeat that it’s frustrating to send gifts without even an acknowledgement- you don’t even know if they get them. I agree with this. 3 weeks is the perfect time to check in. If you need to send things for you, I would make it just birthday and Christmas gifts and make it gc or checks. Heck, send them an unactivated gift card, I bet you hear from them! (Just kidding, don’t do that ) |
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Post by drummergirl65 on May 26, 2021 0:57:50 GMT
How easy is it to send a text or make a call? I wouldn't expect a handwritten thank you, but acknowledgement of a gift is important. It is a good life lesson for kids to learn. I don't really buy into the reasoning of giving a gift because I love someone and want them to have a gift and that is good enough. Being a good human involves knowing how to say thank you when someone takes the time to think of you. Period. When I was young, we were told we could not use the gift, play with the gift or spend the gift until we wrote a thank you card. I get that is asking a lot for kids today, but I did the same with my boys and they are in their 20's and always text or call when they receive anything from me. But why is it asking a lot from kids today? A text isn't hard. I'd stop sending gifts.
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Post by mollycoddle on May 26, 2021 1:01:36 GMT
When I go to the trouble of picking out a gift and sending it, I expect some version of a thank you. It can be a text, email, letter, or phone call-and it doesn’t need to be long. They are being rude. Why waste your time and money on people who are so unappreciative that they can’t be bothered to text a thank you?
It is about the gift AND it is about appreciating the relative who bought it for you.
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seaexplore
Prolific Pea
Posts: 8,411
Apr 25, 2015 23:57:30 GMT
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Post by seaexplore on May 26, 2021 1:12:09 GMT
My brother and I agreed to not do gifts anymore (I'm TOTALLY fine with it since I never knew if they got there and we were to the point of gift cards- lame). My sisters and I say we aren't doing gifts but sometimes it just happens that one ends up being sent/received. They're ALWAYS acknowledged by all parties.
My mom sends stuff to my brother and then will call once she knows it should be delivered. Usually she get a reply of "Oh, yeah, it's probably in the mailbox still." Sigh.
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tia2eleven
Shy Member
Posts: 30
Oct 24, 2014 6:06:43 GMT
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Post by tia2eleven on May 26, 2021 1:14:58 GMT
I would just stop sending gifts.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,729
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Post by purplebee on May 26, 2021 1:38:42 GMT
Everyone, kids and adults, text nonstop all day long. No reason for unacknowledged gifts other than ungratefulness and just plain rudeness. Stop sending gifts that they do not appear to want and certainly do not appreciate. This is not new behavior. They have shown you how they feel. Stop.
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" Do that every time, and maybe they will eventually get the hint?? 
I've since stopped gifts all together for that group of family members.
