twinsmomfla99
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,099 
|
Post by twinsmomfla99 on Jul 4, 2021 15:43:50 GMT
Any peas who have made a "wedding or house" offer to their children--how was it received? Did your children choose the wedding or the house?
None of my three daughters (ages 27, 21 and 21) are even dating anyone at this point, so we do not see any weddings in our near future and will not face this dilemma anytime soon. But since DH and I were married a year and a couple of weeks after we first met, and my parents were married six weeks after their first date, I am well aware that anything can happen LOL.
My oldest is considering buying a home when she is transferred to a new location in a year or so. This move would be considered a "permanent" move by her company as they do not have a policy of moving managers from one location to another. She likes her company and the location she is currently being prepared for, so she will probably buy a townhouse a year after she moves. She wants a year in an apartment to get to know the local area/commute before deciding on a more permanent home. She has been saving like crazy to get the down payment set up, but I doubt she will have enough for 20% in this new area because the prices are higher than they are were she is now.
DH and I have already decided we will give her a check when she is ready to buy. She will be told this is her wedding fund to do with as she pleases, and she can use it to help with the down payment or save it for the wedding of her dreams. But whatever she decides to do, this will be all we are contributing toward a future wedding. The check will be substantial enough that it will cover a very nice wedding, assuming the groom's family helps a bit and the happy couple pitches in a bit as well. It will also probably cover the 20% down payment when added to her savings for a home purchase.
This may be a hard choice for DD if she is in a relationship when we make this offer. She has always dreamed of a big "princess" wedding, even though DH and I have been quite clear that there are financial limitations. If she isn't dating anyone at the time, I am sure she will jump at the chance to make her down payment. Whether that leads to regrets later when there is a wedding in the picture--who knows?
My twins will take the down payment in a heart beat. If either one ever does marry, I will find out about it when they come home and show me the signed marriage certificate LOL. One is extremely frugal and would see the wedding expenses as unnecessary. The other is extremely shy and is probably terrified that people will share funny stories from her childhood at the reception. She has performed in musical groups in high school, but she does not want to be front-and-center in a social gathering. She doesn't even like birthday parties where she has to blow out a cake, open presents, and have people sing to her.
|
|
rgibson
Full Member
Posts: 467
Apr 26, 2021 22:49:21 GMT
|
Post by rgibson on Jul 4, 2021 15:55:12 GMT
My three kids have each been with their partners for close to ten years now and I am pretty sure there will not be any weddings - the eldest is my frugal one and sees no reason for that kind of expenditure, the middle one couldn't organize herself out of a wet paper bag and the youngest one is like yours and does not like being the centre of attention for any reason, good or otherwise.
I have a small amount of money set aside for each of them for their weddings, knowing their father wouldn't, and I decided about five years ago I would give it to them when they bought a home, since weddings were unlikely. They are all in their early thirties now and I'm not sure they have any interest in being homeowners either. Two of them live in very expensive locations and the other lives a nomad type exsistence. So now I'm thinking I'll just give it to them at some point and let them go wild, lol.
|
|
leeny
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,780
Location: Northern California
Site Supporter
Jun 27, 2014 1:55:53 GMT
|
Post by leeny on Jul 4, 2021 16:22:51 GMT
We split the cost of DD #1's wedding with her and her now-husband. When they are ready to buy a house I am sure we will help them as best as we can. DD #2 got married spur of the moment at the courthouse so we gave them half of what we would have spent and will give the other half when they are ready to buy their first home, which should be soon.
|
|
|
|
Post by ~summer~ on Jul 4, 2021 16:24:59 GMT
I have 3 kids (age 17-20) so it is a bit off but I plan to help with both wedding and house.
|
|
|
|
Post by lisae on Jul 4, 2021 17:15:38 GMT
This is a little different. DH gave both his daughters money to buy a new car when they graduated from college. Oldest bought her car. The youngest did not buy a car. She wasn't even driving at that point. When she did start driving, she bought a used car and used dad's money toward her house.
Youngest also used part of her wedding money for her honeymoon. This would have been fine had she not tried to do a big wedding on the cheap which embarrassed both of her parents. Her mother went around saying to anyone who would listen "Bless her heart, she wanted to do all the planning by herself." In other words, 'we tried to help her throw a tasteful wedding and she ignored us. It isn't our fault you are eating cold Chinese takeout for the reception meal.'
|
|
|
|
Post by freecharlie on Jul 4, 2021 17:16:36 GMT
If they are actively wedding planning, I think they might lean more toward the wedding than if they were single at the time of the offer.
We don't have a wedding fund for our kids. We saved for their college instead. If they don't go to college they can use that money for a wedding or a house (one wants to go into a trade so no college needed at this time)
|
|
|
|
Post by fuji on Jul 4, 2021 17:26:01 GMT
DD's wedding is in 6 weeks. She has mentioned several times she wishes they would have put the money toward a house. We'll see how she feels after it's done and the stress is gone. She might think the wedding was worth it.
|
|
AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,970
|
Post by AnotherPea on Jul 4, 2021 17:57:52 GMT
I’m not a big fan of parents paying for weddings. I told my kids that I’d pay for college but not weddings. If you’re grown enough to get married, you’re grown enough to pay. I ended up shucking out quite a bit for dd’s wedding due to some unplanned circumstances. I honestly don’t know what she would have chosen if I gave her that option. My youngest would put it towards a down payment in a nanosecond.
|
|
|
|
Post by flanz on Jul 4, 2021 18:09:03 GMT
Neither of our "kids" would ever spend big bucks on a wedding.
DS is single, DD is getting married in Sept. They've been together for 10 years, since jr. year of college. Super simple, casual wedding in a beautiful outdoor location.
What we opted to do was to give our kids a sum of $ each year for 4 years starting when they were in their mid-late 20s in lieu of $ for weddings or home purchase. They were old enough, mature enough, to decide how to use the funds. DH and I figured that instead of waiting until our deaths and their inheritance, we wanted to help them now, when they need it most, just starting out in life.
DD's wedding will not be like anything I would have planned.(I would NOT have wanted a formal $$$$ wedding either, but would have spent more on food, etc.) But it is going to be a unique, special event that will be "totally them." Which is what we want, the wedding that THEY want.
|
|
|
|
Post by magellen on Jul 4, 2021 18:12:17 GMT
This is a hard one. My son would spend it all on a wedding and honeymoon just to give his fiancé the memory. She would probably use it on a house. My daughter loves a party, but would only use part of that amount and save the rest.
|
|
|
|
Post by ~summer~ on Jul 4, 2021 18:17:02 GMT
Neither of our "kids" would ever spend big bucks on a wedding. DS is single, DD is getting married in Sept. They've been together for 10 years, since jr. year of college. Super simple, casual wedding in a beautiful outdoor location. What we opted to do was to give our kids a sum of $ each year for 4 years starting when they were in their mid-late 20s in lieu of $ for weddings or home purchase. They were old enough, mature enough, to decide how to use the funds. DH and I figured that instead of waiting until our deaths and their inheritance, we wanted to help them now, when they need it most, just starting out in life. DD's wedding will not be like anything I would have planned.(I would NOT have wanted a formal $$$$ wedding either, but would have spent more on food, etc.) But it is going to be a unique, special event that will be "totally them." Which is what we want, the wedding that THEY want. i bet the wedding will be gorgeous - did you end up picking a location for guest accommodations? |
|
|
|
Post by epeanymous on Jul 4, 2021 18:21:31 GMT
My view here is colored by the fact that I had a large expensive wedding and regret doing it, but while I am happy to help out a bit with a wedding, there is zero chance I would pony tens of thousands of dollars for one.
|
|
|
|
Post by melanieg on Jul 4, 2021 18:28:44 GMT
I took the down payment vs wedding. They helped my sister and brother w their weddings.
|
|
|
|
Post by cadoodlebug on Jul 4, 2021 18:34:45 GMT
M sister married in 1967. In 1981 or so my parents (thinking I would never marry because I was so career-oriented) figured out to the dime what they paid for her wedding, adjusted it for inflation and gave me a check. Said I could do whatever I wanted with it. Several years later, I bought a townhouse. A year later, I met my future husband on a business trip to San Francisco. We paid for our wedding.  |
|
garcia5050
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,773
Location: So. Calif.
|
Post by garcia5050 on Jul 4, 2021 18:43:19 GMT
My parents charged me rent and saved it for me (but I didn’t know this plan). When I got engaged, I was given the option of using $20k for a house. Or, $10k to use towards the wedding. The rent/savings account had about $15k.
We bought the house. And then paid for the wedding ourselves. We had a decent, but not super fancy wedding. No regrets at all.
If my kids are able to find semi-decent jobs while going to school, I’d like to do the same.
|
|
ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,775
|
Post by ellen on Jul 4, 2021 20:31:39 GMT
Our daughter recently married. We gave them a generous amount of $ to use toward their wedding. She had a beautiful wedding and it wasn't crazy expensive because they didn't have a huge guest list. It was fun and felt like a true celebration - no regrets or thinking it wasn't worth it. When our second daughter gets married, we'll do the same. If she wants to have a small wedding and keep the cash, that will be up to her. We paid/are paying for our daughters' college educations to set them up to be successful. I'd like to think when they are ready to buy homes they'll be able to do it without us.
|
|
|
|
Post by lisacharlotte on Jul 4, 2021 20:55:53 GMT
When DH and I got married his parents gave us a nice lump sum to use at our discretion. We chose to take the cash and pay down debt. Our wedding was $25 at the JOP.
|
|
|
|
Post by kraft4fun on Jul 4, 2021 21:05:08 GMT
First daughter to have been married now regrets how much they spent out of their combined savings (inlaws paid for day after lunch for all in attendance, I paid for the final caterer bill, total was about $13k and it was a beautiful wedding but now 2 kids and 7 years later they are separated almost a year with no vision of getting back together. 2nd daughter to get married spent about as much, but her in-laws paid for the majority. 3rd daughter, well they paid for it all themselves, had a great little intimate wedding and it was perfect. Cost the least of the 3 and were very happy.
I was able to assist each a little, but neither wanted it as they knew it was hard for us. I'm just happy to have raised 3 girls that were smart enough to save their money to pay for the events they and their fiance wanted at the time. 1st and 2nd to get married both lived with their inlaws while they saved to buy a home, 1st to get married lived there for 3 years prior to marriage and 11 months after. 2nd was with them for 2 years and moved out 2 months before wedding, last had their own apartment for about a year prior to wedding, then moved out of state less than a year later.
I'm happy for all of them and think it made it more special knowing they paid for the bulk on their own.
|
|
|
|
Post by bc2ca on Jul 4, 2021 22:03:12 GMT
I'm positive both my kids will choose house over wedding and, TBH, I'm not sure either will get married at this point. My parents paid for 2 weddings and gave 2 of us the money to do what we wanted. One sis never had a wedding and DH & I used most of the money on a downpayment. We have a niece who has been planning her wedding since she could talk and had a massive binder of ideas and wants by the time she was 12. DH once told her he would give her $10,000 as a wedding present if she eloped in Vegas. She heard he would pay $10,000 toward her wedding.  |
|
ellen
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,775
|
Post by ellen on Jul 4, 2021 22:06:16 GMT
I'm positive both my kids will choose house over wedding and, TBH, I'm not sure either will get married at this point. My parents paid for 2 weddings and gave 2 of us the money to do what we wanted. One sis never had a wedding and DH & I used most of the money on a downpayment. We have a niece who has been planning her wedding since she could talk and had a massive binder of ideas and wants by the time she was 12. DH once told her he would give her $10,000 as a wedding present if she eloped in Vegas. She heard he would pay $10,000 toward her wedding.  Your niece is funny. I hope she has an awesome wedding someday. |
|
|
|
Post by kluski on Jul 5, 2021 3:04:39 GMT
We have one dd. We have told her, we are paying for college and have already bought her a brand new car so we are done. There will not be a wedding contribution from us. We may help her with a house if we are able.
|
|
finaledition
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,896
|
Post by finaledition on Jul 5, 2021 3:43:18 GMT
We have 2 boys and a girl. The two oldest have been dating their significant others awhile, but no marriage talks from either. I think the plan is to give each a generous amount to use however they want. My dd is the most frugal of my kids, but I don’t see her forgoing a wedding.
|
|
|
|
Post by cakediva on Jul 5, 2021 12:22:06 GMT
We don't have wedding funds or down payment funds for our kids....but if we did:
Our oldest would likely take it for house/condo money.
Middle DD is in a serious relationship (ring any time) and has moved from princess for a day to prioritize a house and get married with a destination wedding at a resort. Which, as a wedding cake designer, kinda makes me sad, but I also know it will be less expensive for them. And I can likely co-ordinate with the resort to maybe do the cake flowers and decorate the cake for them at least. Plus it means beach vacation for me! LOL
DS is still in college/buddies/beer mode, so nowhere near wanting money for either.
|
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on Jul 5, 2021 12:24:02 GMT
We gave DS and his fiance a lump sum and said put it towards wedding or a house. They used it for wedding, which was tasteful, but not elaborate.
DD is going to be 40 this year and plans to buy a house in the next couple years. We'll give her what we gave DS for his wedding.
|
|
|
|
Post by Merge on Jul 5, 2021 13:13:00 GMT
I can’t imagine either of our kids choosing a big, expensive wedding. I imagine our oldest will either elope or not marry, and the younger one would be more likely to have a small wedding with family and a few close friends.
Based on their planned career paths, I’d expect the oldest (attorney) to be able to pay for her own wedding and house if she wants one, and the youngest (music teacher) to need financial help. 😂
|
|
zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
|
Post by zella on Jul 5, 2021 15:27:00 GMT
Our situation is a little different. First, hubby's two girls. K, age 32, got married before Covid hit. Utterly casual backyard shindig with just a few friends, and hubby was there. I think K wore shorts, lol! They bought a house (a very small one) in Toronto probably just before the pandemic. Their mom helped with the down payment I think. I should mention that their grandfather is VERY rich, and both girls have trust funds, as does their mother. Status unclear. Then there's S, age 30. She bought out her sister's half of the house they grew up in. She was married in Vegas. Again, money status unclear, but we have only given her small amounts.
Our oldest, Q, age 32, had a wedding we paid for, but it was under $10,000. That marriage was kaput within a few years. She is with a new partner, they bought a house, and are expecting a baby this summer. His parents seem to have a lot of money and help them out in all kinds of ways, but I believe the house was just them. Our youngest, T, age 29, lives with us here in Florida and is in no rush to move out though she does want to move back to WA. However she is on disability, so I don't know how that will happen. Hubby is teaching T trading so she can look after herself. Their grandmother, my mother, is stupidly rich, but has decided to cut her family out of he life completely. So all the promised help is gone. Luckily we were prepared for that.
|
|
|
|
Post by deekaye on Jul 5, 2021 21:36:53 GMT
Oldest DD was all about the wedding. We gladly paid for everything. Five years later when youngest DD was getting married, we told her we would give her the same money that we spent on sister's wedding (actually a bit more for inflation) and she could spend it how she wanted. She and fiance' had a wedding that was simple, elegant and cost less than sister's and they saved the remainder for a down payment. Not suprised, since youngest daughter is an accountant and oldest daughter is in a creative field. |
|
|
|
Post by tentoes on Jul 5, 2021 22:03:02 GMT
We paid for college for all four of our children. We paid for 3 girls weddings. We paid part of my son's wedding. We helped one of the children get a loan for their property when they were ready to build. My husband helped my son build the house. I paid about 1/2 of building the barn when I moved to my son's home a little over a year ago. We've bought several cars when it was time for the kids to go to college. I think my son bought his own, but the three girls, we paid for theirs. We've helped "when needed" a few times over the years. We really try to stay out of financial dealings
|
|
|
|
Post by flanz on Jul 5, 2021 23:55:01 GMT
Neither of our "kids" would ever spend big bucks on a wedding. DS is single, DD is getting married in Sept. They've been together for 10 years, since jr. year of college. Super simple, casual wedding in a beautiful outdoor location. What we opted to do was to give our kids a sum of $ each year for 4 years starting when they were in their mid-late 20s in lieu of $ for weddings or home purchase. They were old enough, mature enough, to decide how to use the funds. DH and I figured that instead of waiting until our deaths and their inheritance, we wanted to help them now, when they need it most, just starting out in life. DD's wedding will not be like anything I would have planned.(I would NOT have wanted a formal $$$$ wedding either, but would have spent more on food, etc.) But it is going to be a unique, special event that will be "totally them." Which is what we want, the wedding that THEY want. i bet the wedding will be gorgeous - did you end up picking a location for guest accommodations? Man, I typed out a reply last night... must not have hit "create post." Thanks for asking summer. We have rented 3 AirBnbs, one in Lafayette and 2 in Walnut Creek. They are 15 and 20 minute drives from DD's place. Fingers crossed that they're legit and will be as good as they appear to be. One is a duplex. We'll be on the ground floor with my 89 yo mom, my sister and our son. Our best friends (coming from Canada) will be upstairs in their own 3 bed unit with one daughter on her own and one daughter with her fiance. Fun! |
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Jul 6, 2021 0:04:19 GMT
i bet the wedding will be gorgeous - did you end up picking a location for guest accommodations? Man, I typed out a reply last night... must not have hit "create post." Thanks for asking summer . We have rented 3 AirBnbs, one in Lafayette and 2 in Walnut Creek. They are 15 and 20 minute drives from DD's place. Fingers crossed that they're legit and will be as good as they appear to be. One is a duplex. We'll be on the ground floor with my 89 yo mom, my sister and our son. Our best friends (coming from Canada) will be upstairs in their own 3 bed unit with one daughter on her own and one daughter with her fiance. Fun! That sounds great. I didn’t get back to you in a timely manner (sorry), but my contact was very much NOT in favor of the neighborhood where the big Oakland house was located. |
|
