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Post by Really Red on Jul 17, 2021 17:14:18 GMT
I need to make scrapbooks for my kids. Two of them have a relationship with their dad but one does not. I back him 100%. But do I just delete his dad out of the entire book? He doesn't remember the good times with his dad and once I told him a story and he swore I made it up. He only remembers when his dad ignored him and left. I won't put too many pictures in, but I'd like him to see his dad was once a good guy. Too much? WWYD?
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Post by Linda on Jul 17, 2021 17:25:49 GMT
how old are your kids? adults? teens? younger? I think that will make a bit of a difference.
With an adult child or older teen, I would probably ask if it was okay to include dad in childhood photos - and respect their opinion. If not including dad will limit the layouts, I would let them know that also (as in I respect your decision not to include him but that may mean skipping some events since he's in all/most of the photos from then). Younger kids? I would probably go ahead and include early pics with dad.
I think I would keep (not toss) photos of kid with Dad in case he changes his mind down the road and wants them if he didn't want in the scrapbooks.
((((Hugs))) You're a good mum to a) ask this question and b) be willing to include your ex in the albums
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jediannie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,855
Jun 30, 2014 3:19:06 GMT
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Post by jediannie on Jul 17, 2021 17:32:36 GMT
Everything linda said! If your son chooses not to have a relationship with his father I would leave those photos out of his scrapbooks and keep the ones you were going to scrap in an envelope for later if he changes his mind. |
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Post by sleepingbooty on Jul 17, 2021 20:08:38 GMT
The abandonment wound hurts but it's important not to force the happier times on him in some sort of attempt to reestablish the historical truth. By forcing the abandoned child (I'm using the concept here in the broader sense; since you mention his father leaving and ignoring him, the psychological trauma definition fits) to confront the image and stories of the parent who left them behind, you're potentially delaying the healing (which takes years, decades, if not a lifetime) by retraumatising them. While the intention is good, the execution, alas, would likely fall short. And it could potentially add a layer of perceived betrayal from the only parent your son has left.
Leave the photos aside. Keep them safe. If he ever wants them, he'll know to come to you.
Source: I was abandoned by my father and did a lot of reading on the topic as well as therapy. Many people's good intentions are not only emotionally hurtful but mentally scarring. I've learnt to set social boundaries but that took years. In the meantime, some people have said and done some shitty stuff (including forcing photos of my father on me by emailing them not as attached files but HTML-embedded images that would automatically load when I opened the email) that have had me spinning for weeks and weeks. Don't do this. Your kid will come to you for those memories if/when he needs them.
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Post by Really Red on Jul 17, 2021 22:04:20 GMT
The abandonment wound hurts but it's important not to force the happier times on him in some sort of attempt to reestablish the historical truth. By forcing the abandoned child (I'm using the concept here in the broader sense; since you mention his father leaving and ignoring him, the psychological trauma definition fits) to confront the image and stories of the parent who left them behind, you're potentially delaying the healing (which takes years, decades, if not a lifetime) by retraumatising them. While the intention is good, the execution, alas, would likely fall short. And it could potentially add a layer of perceived betrayal from the only parent your son has left. Leave the photos aside. Keep them safe. If he ever wants them, he'll know to come to you. Source: I was abandoned by my father and did a lot of reading on the topic as well as therapy. Many people's good intentions are not only emotionally hurtful but mentally scarring. I've learnt to set social boundaries but that took years. In the meantime, some people have said and done some shitty stuff (including forcing photos of my father on me by emailing them not as attached files but HTML-embedded images that would automatically load when I opened the email) that have had me spinning for weeks and weeks. Don't do this. Your kid will come to you for those memories if/when he needs them. Wow. I'm sorry this happened to you. I am going to leave out the pictures. Everything you said makes perfect sense. Thank you for sharing that with me. My son will be 21 soon. I forced him to see his dad once when he was 16 and it was such a bad mistake and I told him how very sorry I didn't respect his wishes. I think he wanted to see him just to be 100% sure he was right and boy-oh-boy was he right. It was a good lesson for both of us and I make sure I respect his choices all the time. He won't accept one dime from his dad (who keeps trying to give him money). I really respect him for that. Thanks again. |
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Post by boymom5 on Jul 17, 2021 22:39:57 GMT
I wouldn’t include them in his personal album like you decided. But I would scrap them elsewhere with the memories recorded for if at any point he changes his mind. I wouldn’t push it on him and perhaps put them in a box labeled so he wouldn’t be surprised by the contents.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 17, 2021 23:34:00 GMT
I just pull those layouts and put them away in a private album. The pages & photos still exist, memories kept, but not in your face, rubbing salt in wounds every time you want to see happy memories.
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Post by peachiceteas on Jul 18, 2021 6:53:43 GMT
I wouldn’t scrap them at all. I like the idea of having them in a clearly labelled envelope so your son can have them in the future, but equally won’t be blindsided by them. He can open the envelope when he’s ready.
If you wanted to document written memories in addition to the photos, I would write a few notes on the back of each photograph, or include some journaling in the envelope.
Not everything has to be dressed up with paper and stickers. Putting them in a safe place for him is definitely enough.
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Post by sleepingbooty on Jul 18, 2021 18:09:31 GMT
Really Red Please don't feel too guilty over the forced encounter when he was a teen. You apologised and learnt from it. That's what matters in keeping your mother-son bond strong and steady. Abandonment's not an easy road to travel and it does have quite a lot of repercussions (didn't realise exactly how far it all ran until my late 20s, to be honest). There are some excellent licensed therapists specialised in this matter if he ever feels the need to talk with someone neutral or to understand the situation from a professional POV. Wishing you two happiness and contentment. 
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