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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 18, 2021 16:22:43 GMT
My oldest leaves for college tomorrow. He and my 9 year old are very close, and I am worried that younger DS will have a really hard time with it. He has been very clingy to DS the last few months and older DS has been doing some things one on one with him and snuggling with him when they have a chance. We are giving youngest DS the choice to go along when we take DS to college--I thought that might be helpful to have him see where DS is at, although it could also be more difficult when we leave. Right now DS hasn't said if he wants to go yet because of the drive.
I am sure some pea families have had similar situations, so I am asking if anyone has advice to give, tips for making it easier on the younger child, etc. Hopefully it will go better than I anticipate, but want to be prepared.
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MDscrapaholic
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,386
Location: Down by the bay....
Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Aug 18, 2021 16:31:45 GMT
This is a big thing for the whole family! Leaving the first child at college - I cried the whole way home LOL.
It's good that you're letting him make a choice of going to drop him off at college or not. Perhaps talk with your oldest son and ask him to call or Facetime with youngest once a week or so? Maybe give the youngest permission to use something of his or take care of something of his while he's gone?
I hope it goes smoothly. Hang in there Mama. This is just the first one!
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Post by ntsf on Aug 18, 2021 16:34:06 GMT
I would treat it as matter as fact as possible and try to diminish any drama. there is facetime, and I would acknowledge his feelings but it is just another season of life.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Aug 18, 2021 16:37:42 GMT
iamkristinl16 is he going to the college he originally planned to? I know you asked about paying for college and I was just wondering how that all turned out...
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 18, 2021 16:38:46 GMT
Don't make a huge deal out of it. Take a picture of them together and print it for the younger (and maybe the older one too).
Other than that, the younger one will be sad for a while and then it will become the new normal. The younger one will still get sad now and then, but have him call or facetime his brother (but not more than once a week if that (unless the older initiates).
It is a new chapter and it just is. The less of a big deal you make it for your yds, the better
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Post by Linda on Aug 18, 2021 16:46:13 GMT
my youngest had just turned 9 when my oldest enlisted and left for boot camp - it was tough. He made a point of spending time with her those last few days before he left and encouraged her to write to him. He sent letters specifically for her once letter writing was an option. It was easier once he was out of boot camp and could phone her (and then he went to Japan and that option became super expensive and very rare). She's almost 15 now - he's back stateside and she's still super excited when he facetimes or phones her or plays Minecraft with her.
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Post by melanell on Aug 18, 2021 17:12:20 GMT
My oldest hasn't left yet, but they're here less often, and even that has made a difference on our youngest. So far, I find myself devoting hours upon hours to playing board games, going on walks, baking, playing soccer or badminton, watching TV shows that I hate,  and so on, LOL! I'm grateful it's only time here and there right now, but I definitely look forward to advice from others about how to better handle things in the future. Mind you, I love spending time with the kid, but not entire days of non-stop activities.  I do have work to do, too.  (I do know, that COVID has reared it's ugly head in this situation, as well, since my youngest is too young to be vaccinated so they are home and looking for companionship more than they have since they were a baby! So many things they used to do aren't happening right now. So I hope things will be easier once we finally get back to some sort of normalcy around here. They did go to a 3 day soccer clinic, which made them so happy (and gave me a few hours to really get some work done, myself), but sure enough, by the last day, we heard a child there had tested positive. Ugh.) |
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Post by christine58 on Aug 18, 2021 17:13:12 GMT
iamkristinl16 is he going to the college he originally planned to? I know you asked about paying for college and I was just wondering how that all turned out... I was going to ask the same...she never came back and updated |
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Post by workingclassdog on Aug 18, 2021 17:20:41 GMT
My 18 year old son left for the Air Force when DD was 5. It was one of the most heartbreaking things we went through. 1st because there is no calling/visiting for eight weeks, then he went off to another state and then to another country. He was her buddy. The first time he came home she literally didn't leave his side for 3 days. It totally got better over the years...
Just give them lots of love and hugs. He sent her a few gifts.. or bring home presents for her.. a little Air Force teddy bear was awesome. An 'official' AF hat with her name on it was great. But just him being home on leave was the best.
Edited to add.. we never made a big deal about it.. I wasn't overly emotional about it.. in front of her. We had our one bad day when we walked away from him at the hotel. We found a private place and cried our eyes out.... then after that.. we were fine. She was fine. It was sad.. but (I forgot this originally) but letters were great.
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Post by Laurie on Aug 18, 2021 17:21:11 GMT
I am so glad you posted this thread. I have similar situation…same ages! 9yo dd is becoming more emotional as we get closer to dd leaving (next week). My 9yo starts school tomorrow so I am hoping that helps. I have been wondering if I should give her teacher a heads up or is that unnecessary.
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Post by freecharlie on Aug 18, 2021 17:24:28 GMT
I have been wondering if I should give her teacher a heads up or is that unnecessary. As a teacher, I always appreciate a heads-up. |
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Post by quietgirl on Aug 18, 2021 17:31:08 GMT
M daughter is five years younger then her twin brothers (she is 17 now and they are 22). When they left for college, she was going in to the 8th grade. When the boys were in 8th grade, they didn't get cell phones, because at the time the rule was freshman year of high school. But because of the transition to the boys being 6hours away, we gave her her cell phone that summer, so she could keep in touch with them. And it helped a lot. But I know that 9 is a bit young. Its a suggestion. It may help facilitate communication just between them. Best wishes to you all!
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 18, 2021 17:55:50 GMT
iamkristinl16 is he going to the college he originally planned to? I know you asked about paying for college and I was just wondering how that all turned out... Yes. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 18, 2021 17:59:02 GMT
Thanks, everyone. I feel sad as well, given that it will change the family dynamic quite a bit, but I know that this is just part of life and how it is. I was the oldest (with four much younger half siblings, two of whom were born when I was in college or shortly after) and I was always emotional when I left home to go back to college. But obviously you go back to what you are doing and move on. So, looking at it from the younger child's POV is different for me, especially as a parent. When DS has made comments like, "I will be melting in tears" I remind him that DS will come to visit, and we can visit and facetime him as well. Again, hopefully it will go better than I anticipate, but want to be prepared in case it doesn't.
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Post by Laurie on Aug 18, 2021 18:00:30 GMT
I can't remember Kristin how far away he will be? Will they be able to get together for a meal just the two of them? Fortunately my dd will only be about 30 miles away so youngest dd is already planning time when they can hang out.
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used2scrap
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,036 
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Post by used2scrap on Aug 18, 2021 18:21:37 GMT
Each of my oldest when they left, gave their younger brother a bobble head figure that represented some aspect of what they played/watched together etc. so when youngest is missing them especially he brings his Capt America and Ashoka Tono around and it helps; we often text some pics back and forth of what they’re up to. They do face time and play Minecraft or something else online which helps a lot.
It’s hard for sure, the change in family dynamics.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Aug 18, 2021 18:30:28 GMT
iamkristinl16 is he going to the college he originally planned to? I know you asked about paying for college and I was just wondering how that all turned out... Yes. Oh cool. What did you all decide to do? I mean obv he's attending the school, but did you all have a talk or decide to just focus and make plans for the younger kiddos? Not snarky at all - just genuinely curious how that all turned out... |
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,630
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 18, 2021 18:31:03 GMT
I think it made it easier on my younger ones to see where the oldest was living, to meet the roommate etc… so when stories are told on vacations they felt included in the discussions.
But I also agree with everyone else saying while you should acknowledge this is an important passage in life, don’t dwell on it. Plan some fun things and help your younger one process the feelings and move on.
Best of luck! I was prepared for my flood of emotions when my oldest left but I was not at all prepared for HERS. She cried through our whole lunch before the “kiss and bye” and was really just a mess. Broke my heart. (And she of course forgot about me 10 minutes later and had a blast at college.)
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Post by Megan on Aug 18, 2021 18:33:53 GMT
Daniel Tiger has a brand new episode of Prince Wednesday going to college out today. 😅
We just struggled with leaving bonus kids in another state. My 5 year old is going to miss them, they were finally able to really connect in person. We promised video calls and snail mail.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Jun 2, 2024 0:47:53 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 18, 2021 18:41:12 GMT
When DS has made comments like, "I will be melting in tears" Okay, that just broke my heart a bit. I think the hardest is the first couple of days when you pass their empty bedrooms. The only suggestion I have is to not call/text/FaceTime too much. Oldest DS will be trying to get used to his new surroundings and meet new friends, but he might also be a bit homesick, so don’t overwhelm him with too much contact. For your youngest, try to plan some events that he can look forward to. Also keep him busy so he doesn’t have as much downtime to dwell on the fact that oldest DS is away. Good luck tomorrow! |
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Post by ameslou on Aug 18, 2021 18:43:52 GMT
I would encourage both of your kiddos to feel their feelings and not stuff them down.
Maybe regularly scheduled FaceTime calls so that your younger DS has something to look forward to?
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 18, 2021 18:47:43 GMT
Oh cool. What did you all decide to do? I mean obv he's attending the school, but did you all have a talk or decide to just focus and make plans for the younger kiddos? Not snarky at all - just genuinely curious how that all turned out... We will need to sit down and make a more concrete plan on how to handle this going forward. We took out loans for DS for what we/he didn't have right this moment. But we have also stressed to him that he needs to be working to cover the cost that the federal loans don't. We will also be more aware of any possible scholarships for him (as well as the others as they are in HS--there was a lot we didn't know this time around). We also have talked to DS16 about working and saving as much as possible. But we do need to make a better plan soon. We have just been trying to get by with oldest DS, summer sports, etc. It's been hectic. |
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Post by iamkristinl16 on Aug 18, 2021 18:51:01 GMT
Laurie he will be 2 1/2 hours away, so not close enough for a quick visit, unfortunately.
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finaledition
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,896
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Post by finaledition on Aug 18, 2021 18:57:20 GMT
Oldest ds is 11 years older than younger ds. They continued to game together long distance and even got some new friends to play so he thought that was great.
Middle dd is 8 years old and the two became pretty close because oldest was gone.
The dynamics shift for sure, but it allows new bonds to strengthen.
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Post by Bridget in MD on Aug 18, 2021 19:36:37 GMT
Oh cool. What did you all decide to do? I mean obv he's attending the school, but did you all have a talk or decide to just focus and make plans for the younger kiddos? Not snarky at all - just genuinely curious how that all turned out... We will need to sit down and make a more concrete plan on how to handle this going forward. We took out loans for DS for what we/he didn't have right this moment. But we have also stressed to him that he needs to be working to cover the cost that the federal loans don't. We will also be more aware of any possible scholarships for him (as well as the others as they are in HS--there was a lot we didn't know this time around). We also have talked to DS16 about working and saving as much as possible. But we do need to make a better plan soon. We have just been trying to get by with oldest DS, summer sports, etc. It's been hectic. I completely am with you - my DD is heading to school next week and DS16 is in HS - we are already looking at things he can apply for bc I feel like DD didn't really take advantage of scholarships, etc. |
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styxgirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,878
Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Aug 18, 2021 19:44:17 GMT
I feel your pain! We just took my oldest to college last week.
My younger DD is close to her sister and we really did a good job this summer of cherishing every moment together before things changed!
Ad we were leaving, I was starting to cry. Younger DD put her arm around my waist and said not to cry and not to worry that big sister would be just fine. Sure made me feel better. She is doing so good around the house and showing maturity that before I didn’t expect from her. It’s good development space for her too.
I cried the whole 2.5 hour drive home. But I allowed myself that time and told myself to be strong before and during! LOL
Once we were home, we were all missing big sister and my younger one says to me:
“well, you are the reason she’s not here ... you could have raised her different so she was a high school drop out and she’d still be home” 😂🤣 I just love my youngest DD’s sense of humor!
I agree with a previous poster that says to treat it very matter of fact as a season of life. And technology makes it so easy to keep in touch. Visits home will be very special!
Hugs!
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 18, 2021 19:48:40 GMT
My oldest left for college last year and honestly, I think the anticipation was much worse than the actuality for the younger kids. With FaceTime, it is easier for them to keep in touch.
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Post by Linda on Aug 18, 2021 20:17:55 GMT
I am so glad you posted this thread. I have similar situation…same ages! 9yo dd is becoming more emotional as we get closer to dd leaving (next week). My 9yo starts school tomorrow so I am hoping that helps. I have been wondering if I should give her teacher a heads up or is that unnecessary. I did let my DD's teacher know - when DS left for boot camp, when he left for his new posting in Japan, and 3.5 years later when he left for another new posting after his first leave at home since he went to Japan. I also gave her 6th grade teacher a heads-up that she was struggling a bit with her older sister leaving for college. I'm a believer in letting teachers know if there's stuff happening that might impact their school experience. |
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Post by Basket1lady on Aug 18, 2021 20:18:37 GMT
My kids are only 2 years apart, but we’re a close family. DD wasn’t with us when we dropped DS off that first year. It was actually just me because DD had already started school. We had a weekly FaceTime call with the whole family and the kids would talk during the week. DS tutored DD in calculus, so there was a lot of talking, but with a purpose. So not a lot of “I miss you”, but contact with each other because the calls were focused on calculus.
What do the boys do together now? Video games? Any homework help? Watch sports? Is your oldest playing on a sports team? Do they stream the games? Video games can be played together online and you can do the same with a sporting event. Do you have a game with the middle boys this weekend? Getting out of the house and doing something may help.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 18, 2021 20:33:04 GMT
I can't remember Kristin how far away he will be? Will they be able to get together for a meal just the two of them? Fortunately my dd will only be about 30 miles away so youngest dd is already planning time when they can hang out. Laurie, where is your DD going? |
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and so on, LOL! I'm grateful it's only time here and there right now, but I definitely look forward to advice from others about how to better handle things in the future.
I do have work to do, too. 
