Update #3: Vent - I'm tired, so very tired
Sept 28, 2021 12:43:57 GMT
mom22grlz, myboysnme, and 22 more like this
Post by jeremysgirl on Sept 28, 2021 12:43:57 GMT
Update #3:
She called me yesterday from the hospital. She was very calm. However, she was very upset that I couldn't get her out of the hospital. She was insistent that it wasn't mental illness that caused this but instead dehydration. She was confused and not remembering the events of the week leading up to the hospitalization. She did not remember her visit to the vet. She remembered arguing with me but didn't remember the details. She had absolutely no memory of anything happening on Saturday. She insisted I contact her dad because her text messages to him last week weren't going through. She was convinced he was dead. I sent a text to him when I got off the phone with her and he said he was fine. I sent another text stating that she was in the hospital and I got no response from him. (He's been a deadbeat for a long time). I was very concerned when I got off the phone with her that she still wasn't believing it was mental illness.
I woke up this morning to a message from the hospital (came in around midnight) that she was being transferred to a psychiatric facility. She is being transferred to what is probably the best one in our state. I am grateful. I am hoping they will begin her on some medicine and be able to convince her that she needs it and feels better on it. I have no further details, but I'm glad to hear they did this. I hope this will be a turning point for her.
Thank you all for the kind words on this thread. I don't have a lot of close people in my real life I can lean on and let's face it, this has been going on so long that even the most patient friend or family member is exhausted by it too. My sister has been dead silent.
And my mother has been going through this too, as my DD has been terrible to her. I am grateful, more grateful than you will ever know that the peas stepped up. This thread, the number of PMs I have received, even some very thoughtful gifts arrived yesterday and it just brings tears to my eyes. Good tears.
My younger DD has been wonderful through this entire tough week. I'm so glad. She has reassured me that right now, I don't have to worry about her. And let's face it, with 3 suicide attempts just this year, of course I'm still worried about her.
But, it is a new week. I'm looking forward to getting my work done at work and being able to rest at night. I know she's safe. I know she's getting help. And I pray that they can show her light. When you have a bunch of objective people saying that you do, in fact, have a mental illness and you need medication, I hope that is stronger than Mom's words.
Update #2:
On Friday afternoon I got a call from the vets office. DD had been there yelling and screaming that her dog was dying and that I had poisoned him. They examined the dog and could find nothing wrong with him. Then she began yelling and screaming that they were poisoning the dog with his seizure medicine. They escorted her out and called me. I explained to them that she is mentally ill and if she came back to call the police.
Friday night she sent me some ugly messages about how me and my family are all part of a cult. That's angels were telling her that we were all going to hell.
Yesterday morning I called the police nonemergency line and talked to a very unfriendly female police officer requesting a well check from them. The officer would not even listen to my story. She cut me off and was very rude. If that's not an advertisement for how we need more social workers and medical personnel to work cooperatively with police I don't know what is.
Her boyfriend called me late last night. The police did come by to check on her but she wasn't there. Well apparently she didn't drink all day and she had a seizure. He called 911 and they came to check her out. Her vitals were good and she refused to go into the hospital. But late evening she had completely unraveled and she accused the boyfriend of being a demon and involved in the same cult as the rest of the family. She told him he was trying to poison her with the seasonings he put in her dinner food. He immediately called the police.
When the police got there she told the police all if this. And they asked her how to spell her last name and she couldn't. They asked her her birthday and she didn't know what it is was. They took her into the hospital. She went willingly. The boyfriend told her he was going to call me and she didn't protest.
He called me around midnight last night and I rushed up to the hospital ER but they wouldn't let me see her. She was incapable of communicating whether she wanted me there or not. So I came home and went to bed. I am grateful that she had a meltdown and is finally in the hospital. I am hoping that they keep her on a psychiatric hold. I am sure (having been through this before myself) they will drug test her and give her a CT scan to make sure she doesn't have something going on with her brain. Anyway, I just wanted to say right now I'm relieved that she is there and will finally get a proper evaluation and hopefully some kind of treatment.
Update:
My oldest DD, the volatile one, came by today at lunch time. She destroyed two doors in my home on a tirade. She came to get her dog. I refused to give her the dog until she gave me her housekey. She did and she took the dog. I told her she was no longer welcome here. But that her dog was welcome to come back. I have been caring for the dog for the past 4 years. I'm a little worried about him. She was intoxicated when she stopped by. I kept myself calm during the exchange. She then walked out and called someone on the phone and was shouting out front of my house about how I tried to kidnap her dog and assault her. I guess me saying she wasn't welcome to come back wasn't taken very well. I feel at peace with my decision, especially since she broke two doors in my house. I can't have her here destroying things and yes, she's abusive to me.
My younger DD said it was about time I finally put my foot down. She stood guard during the entire incident.
I'm OK with my decision. Am I worried? Yes. But can I help her? No. Today's episode was just the last straw for me. I needed to draw a line.
Original Post: I'm tired of feeling bad all the time. I've gained weight. My body aches from non-movement. I'm sleeping 9-10 hours a night. I'm eating chocolate to cope. I can't get motivated at work and I have a ton of work to do. I ended up taking a vacation day yesterday because I just couldn't sit my ass down and actually work. I wandered the house all day doing nothing. The only thing I accomplished yesterday was loading the dishwasher. I feel like I have a constant headache. My nails are bitten to the quick. I'm smoking more than a pack a day of cigarettes and I keep thinking I should just quit because it's clearly not helping. My oldest is a hot mess. I'm tired of being yelled and screamed at. She goes away for several days and then comes back crying and apologizing, yet she hasn't talked to her psychiatrist about what a mess she is. (Fingers crossed today is the day). I think she is an alcoholic too. My other child is spending her days laying around all day, depressed, which only drags me down further. I keep trying and trying to pick her up in every way I possibly can and none of it is working. I don't know what to do for her either.
I'm tired of reiki, meditation, and prayer. I'm tired of trying to force myself to do things with no motivation. I'm trying so hard to put one foot in front of the other and I'm failing. I'm tired of reading motivational books and podcasts and still not being able to get up the energy to actually put any suggestions into place. I'm tired of reading people's toxic positivity memes on Facebook. I'm bitter when I see brain neutral people trying to pump themselves and everyone else around them up with such absolute bullshit. I'm tired of trying to use my sense of humor to put a smile on my face. I'm tired of watching my bipolar friends (and my brain neutral friends) not work and not raise difficult children and have some semblance of peace in their lives while I am struggling just to manage every.single.fucking.day. I'm tired of being jealous of people whose young adult kids are going off to college and are solid while mine are struggling so badly. I'm tired of everyone saying self-care, self-care, self-care like a day spent scrapbooking or an evening crocheting is going to make this all feel better and it doesn't.
And I know it's not my medicine not working. I was on vacation a week and a half ago and I felt great. Because I was out of this environment. I hiked and walked along the beach and cooked over the fire and enjoyed my time with my husband. It was so low key and so perfect. And then I come back....to this. To all this stress. And it's been stressful for so many years now and none of it has lifted. It's not going to lift any time soon either. Maybe never. Maybe it will get worse. And all these little efforts are like putting a bandaid on a gun shot wound. As if that wasn't bad enough, my therapist retired and I'm not even sure with the way work has been, I have time to find another therapist right now and actually have appointments.
I don't know what I want by posting this here. I'm just caught in this place right now. And I know I have to put one foot in front of the other and just keeping moving forward but every day feels like I'm in survival mode and I've been caught in this limbo for so long, just hoping things don't get worse and trying so hard to look at every little thing I can find in the most joyful way I can. But I just want to have a good scream. Or run away. And it feels just incredibly icky to me to be so angry, irritated with others, jealous, and negative. It definitely doesn't feel like me, ya know? But I just can't shake it off. I feel like I'm ready to rip someone's head off. I'm just wanting to bitch slap everyone lately. And that isn't me. I just don't know what to do with all these negative emotions. And I don't know why my negativity is transferring over to other (innocent) people at this point. I'm almost thinking I just need to take a break from social media before I let loose on someone who most likely doesn't deserve it.
Maybe if you could just say a prayer for my kids. If my kids could take a step in a better direction that would lift some of the weight from my shoulders. I don't even know why I'm sharing this here. It's just so vulnerable. It feels icky too. I honestly don't know what I want from you guys. I just needed to get all this off my chest. Maybe this is my silent scream.
She called me yesterday from the hospital. She was very calm. However, she was very upset that I couldn't get her out of the hospital. She was insistent that it wasn't mental illness that caused this but instead dehydration. She was confused and not remembering the events of the week leading up to the hospitalization. She did not remember her visit to the vet. She remembered arguing with me but didn't remember the details. She had absolutely no memory of anything happening on Saturday. She insisted I contact her dad because her text messages to him last week weren't going through. She was convinced he was dead. I sent a text to him when I got off the phone with her and he said he was fine. I sent another text stating that she was in the hospital and I got no response from him. (He's been a deadbeat for a long time). I was very concerned when I got off the phone with her that she still wasn't believing it was mental illness.
I woke up this morning to a message from the hospital (came in around midnight) that she was being transferred to a psychiatric facility. She is being transferred to what is probably the best one in our state. I am grateful. I am hoping they will begin her on some medicine and be able to convince her that she needs it and feels better on it. I have no further details, but I'm glad to hear they did this. I hope this will be a turning point for her.
Thank you all for the kind words on this thread. I don't have a lot of close people in my real life I can lean on and let's face it, this has been going on so long that even the most patient friend or family member is exhausted by it too. My sister has been dead silent.
And my mother has been going through this too, as my DD has been terrible to her. I am grateful, more grateful than you will ever know that the peas stepped up. This thread, the number of PMs I have received, even some very thoughtful gifts arrived yesterday and it just brings tears to my eyes. Good tears. My younger DD has been wonderful through this entire tough week. I'm so glad. She has reassured me that right now, I don't have to worry about her. And let's face it, with 3 suicide attempts just this year, of course I'm still worried about her.
But, it is a new week. I'm looking forward to getting my work done at work and being able to rest at night. I know she's safe. I know she's getting help. And I pray that they can show her light. When you have a bunch of objective people saying that you do, in fact, have a mental illness and you need medication, I hope that is stronger than Mom's words.
Update #2:
On Friday afternoon I got a call from the vets office. DD had been there yelling and screaming that her dog was dying and that I had poisoned him. They examined the dog and could find nothing wrong with him. Then she began yelling and screaming that they were poisoning the dog with his seizure medicine. They escorted her out and called me. I explained to them that she is mentally ill and if she came back to call the police.
Friday night she sent me some ugly messages about how me and my family are all part of a cult. That's angels were telling her that we were all going to hell.
Yesterday morning I called the police nonemergency line and talked to a very unfriendly female police officer requesting a well check from them. The officer would not even listen to my story. She cut me off and was very rude. If that's not an advertisement for how we need more social workers and medical personnel to work cooperatively with police I don't know what is.
Her boyfriend called me late last night. The police did come by to check on her but she wasn't there. Well apparently she didn't drink all day and she had a seizure. He called 911 and they came to check her out. Her vitals were good and she refused to go into the hospital. But late evening she had completely unraveled and she accused the boyfriend of being a demon and involved in the same cult as the rest of the family. She told him he was trying to poison her with the seasonings he put in her dinner food. He immediately called the police.
When the police got there she told the police all if this. And they asked her how to spell her last name and she couldn't. They asked her her birthday and she didn't know what it is was. They took her into the hospital. She went willingly. The boyfriend told her he was going to call me and she didn't protest.
He called me around midnight last night and I rushed up to the hospital ER but they wouldn't let me see her. She was incapable of communicating whether she wanted me there or not. So I came home and went to bed. I am grateful that she had a meltdown and is finally in the hospital. I am hoping that they keep her on a psychiatric hold. I am sure (having been through this before myself) they will drug test her and give her a CT scan to make sure she doesn't have something going on with her brain. Anyway, I just wanted to say right now I'm relieved that she is there and will finally get a proper evaluation and hopefully some kind of treatment.
Update:
My oldest DD, the volatile one, came by today at lunch time. She destroyed two doors in my home on a tirade. She came to get her dog. I refused to give her the dog until she gave me her housekey. She did and she took the dog. I told her she was no longer welcome here. But that her dog was welcome to come back. I have been caring for the dog for the past 4 years. I'm a little worried about him. She was intoxicated when she stopped by. I kept myself calm during the exchange. She then walked out and called someone on the phone and was shouting out front of my house about how I tried to kidnap her dog and assault her. I guess me saying she wasn't welcome to come back wasn't taken very well. I feel at peace with my decision, especially since she broke two doors in my house. I can't have her here destroying things and yes, she's abusive to me.
My younger DD said it was about time I finally put my foot down. She stood guard during the entire incident.
I'm OK with my decision. Am I worried? Yes. But can I help her? No. Today's episode was just the last straw for me. I needed to draw a line.
Original Post: I'm tired of feeling bad all the time. I've gained weight. My body aches from non-movement. I'm sleeping 9-10 hours a night. I'm eating chocolate to cope. I can't get motivated at work and I have a ton of work to do. I ended up taking a vacation day yesterday because I just couldn't sit my ass down and actually work. I wandered the house all day doing nothing. The only thing I accomplished yesterday was loading the dishwasher. I feel like I have a constant headache. My nails are bitten to the quick. I'm smoking more than a pack a day of cigarettes and I keep thinking I should just quit because it's clearly not helping. My oldest is a hot mess. I'm tired of being yelled and screamed at. She goes away for several days and then comes back crying and apologizing, yet she hasn't talked to her psychiatrist about what a mess she is. (Fingers crossed today is the day). I think she is an alcoholic too. My other child is spending her days laying around all day, depressed, which only drags me down further. I keep trying and trying to pick her up in every way I possibly can and none of it is working. I don't know what to do for her either.
I'm tired of reiki, meditation, and prayer. I'm tired of trying to force myself to do things with no motivation. I'm trying so hard to put one foot in front of the other and I'm failing. I'm tired of reading motivational books and podcasts and still not being able to get up the energy to actually put any suggestions into place. I'm tired of reading people's toxic positivity memes on Facebook. I'm bitter when I see brain neutral people trying to pump themselves and everyone else around them up with such absolute bullshit. I'm tired of trying to use my sense of humor to put a smile on my face. I'm tired of watching my bipolar friends (and my brain neutral friends) not work and not raise difficult children and have some semblance of peace in their lives while I am struggling just to manage every.single.fucking.day. I'm tired of being jealous of people whose young adult kids are going off to college and are solid while mine are struggling so badly. I'm tired of everyone saying self-care, self-care, self-care like a day spent scrapbooking or an evening crocheting is going to make this all feel better and it doesn't.
And I know it's not my medicine not working. I was on vacation a week and a half ago and I felt great. Because I was out of this environment. I hiked and walked along the beach and cooked over the fire and enjoyed my time with my husband. It was so low key and so perfect. And then I come back....to this. To all this stress. And it's been stressful for so many years now and none of it has lifted. It's not going to lift any time soon either. Maybe never. Maybe it will get worse. And all these little efforts are like putting a bandaid on a gun shot wound. As if that wasn't bad enough, my therapist retired and I'm not even sure with the way work has been, I have time to find another therapist right now and actually have appointments.
I don't know what I want by posting this here. I'm just caught in this place right now. And I know I have to put one foot in front of the other and just keeping moving forward but every day feels like I'm in survival mode and I've been caught in this limbo for so long, just hoping things don't get worse and trying so hard to look at every little thing I can find in the most joyful way I can. But I just want to have a good scream. Or run away. And it feels just incredibly icky to me to be so angry, irritated with others, jealous, and negative. It definitely doesn't feel like me, ya know? But I just can't shake it off. I feel like I'm ready to rip someone's head off. I'm just wanting to bitch slap everyone lately. And that isn't me. I just don't know what to do with all these negative emotions. And I don't know why my negativity is transferring over to other (innocent) people at this point. I'm almost thinking I just need to take a break from social media before I let loose on someone who most likely doesn't deserve it.
Maybe if you could just say a prayer for my kids. If my kids could take a step in a better direction that would lift some of the weight from my shoulders. I don't even know why I'm sharing this here. It's just so vulnerable. It feels icky too. I honestly don't know what I want from you guys. I just needed to get all this off my chest. Maybe this is my silent scream.
I might have to cut my daughter off for a time. It makes me sad, but she's so difficult to deal with and she has to take control of her mental health herself. 
